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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mum bought me flowers when I’m life threateningly allergic to pollen

90 replies

AllergicToPollenBadly · 22/06/2023 17:59

As the title says. I have a life threatening pollen allergy, I carry an epipen because of it and have had to use it more than once this year and then ended up being admitted to hospital because of it. My 9yo has also been taught to use the epipen on me my allergy is that bad and I’m a single parent.

It’s not a new allergy, I’ve had it since I was a toddler.

I’m pretty sure my mum resents me for it because she loves the summer and the heat and I just can’t. I spend most of the summer months dosed up on antihistamines and hiding away – I even try and go to work and leave work when pollen is at it’s lowest and I’m still often triggered and using my inhaler.

So mum bought me flowers. When I pointed out my allergy she just said “Oh you still have that, I have enough of working round that when you were a kid, oh well” and handed me the flowers.

If I weren’t a single parent and so desperately in need of the childcare help as ASC closes at 5.30pm everyday and I finish work at 5.30pm so have a half hour short fall – no CMs with space that open later, many close earlier and I just can’t afford a nanny – then I’d have cut her off for it.

How do I recover from this mentally? Because I have got to have a civil relationship with my mum for DDs sake due to childcare options being limited.

OP posts:
nobodysdaughternow · 23/06/2023 05:31

OP, your Mother is not a safe person to look after your dd.

She knew what she was doing and that puts her in the category of unsuitable childcare.

Please put in aa flexible working request based on your health needs and being a single parent.

You could flex hours, leave early and finish up in the evening. If your job isn't the type where you can do this, then find one which is.

Then wave goodbye to this spiteful woman. She is no Mother.

autieawesome · 23/06/2023 05:36

This is tough. I assume you have exhausted every possibility? Other family, child's dad, changing you hours of work?

If there's nothing you can do I would look for another job and be civil. But yes it would be reasonable to kept contact to a minimum with a view to potentially cutting contact later down the line.

Bigminnie1 · 23/06/2023 08:45

CrazyArmadilloLady · 23/06/2023 03:22

I’m amazed at the number of people who obviously have awful mothers, and so think that what happened to the OP is in any way normal….? Sorry, you guys.

Or possibly - more likely? - are absolutely terrible mothers themselves.

I find it quite boggling that even though this is an anonymous forum, people still seem to be so willing to put their hand up on here and say, “over here, I’m a total arsehole!!!”. 😳

OP - YANBU. I was going to post a flower emoji, but realised how inappropriate that would be, so here you go Cake

Absolutely this. There are some complete and utter arseholes on this thread who are either trolls or vile people in real life.

OP- I am so sorry that you have to deal with a mother like this. She's truly awful.

Darkmodus · 23/06/2023 08:49

Wow she sounds awful OP. Sorry I don’t know how you handle the childcare but I would also be reeling from that.

cathyandclare · 23/06/2023 08:57

Off topic - but with that severe an allergy have you looked at immunotherapy for hay fever? I interviewed a specialist about it and it sounds like it can be life changing, not a cure but can reduce symptoms enormously.

StopStartStop · 23/06/2023 09:03

OP, give up work so you don't need the childcare. This is about staying alive. Your little one will appreciate what you do to stay alive, later in life. Really, this isn't a situation where you should be taking risks.

Your mother - I can't account for her, but it's not safe for you to know her.

shropshirewitch · 23/06/2023 10:32

StopStartStop · 23/06/2023 09:03

OP, give up work so you don't need the childcare. This is about staying alive. Your little one will appreciate what you do to stay alive, later in life. Really, this isn't a situation where you should be taking risks.

Your mother - I can't account for her, but it's not safe for you to know her.

Are you going to fund the OP's lifestyle then? What a stupid suggestion.

cracktheshutters · 23/06/2023 17:28

Apricotflanday · 22/06/2023 22:32

I think a lot if abusive people have been drawn to this thread in order to stand up for a fellow abuser.
I hope you're able to ignore their cruel comments, OP.
I understand what it's like to have to rely on an abusive parent for childcare, torn between protecting yourself by setting boundaries, knowing that means possibly losing your job and home and being unable to look after your child, or putting up with the emotional turmoil that comes with having a parent you desperately wish was different — motherly — towards you.

My dad repeatedly forgets I can get anaphylactic shock from eating peas, offers them to me every visit. He has narcissistic tendencies. However, he does genuinely forget and doesn't mean any harm, so I can cope with the irritation.

As someone else said, you know your mother and whether she intended harm or not. It sounds as if she just dismissed the issue, which is of course hurtful too.

I hope you can find more childcare in time, perhaps among local families like someone suggested.

@Apricotflanday

I think a lot if abusive people have been drawn to this thread in order to stand up for a fellow abuser.
I hope you're able to ignore their cruel comments, OP.

spot on with this ^ I’d love to understand the joy they get out of it!

StopStartStop · 24/06/2023 10:46

shropshirewitch · 23/06/2023 10:32

Are you going to fund the OP's lifestyle then? What a stupid suggestion.

Show quote history

Not stupid at all. Associating with someone who will act to bring on your life-threatening condition would be 'stupid', or more likely 'desperate'.

OP, you matter. Your life. If you have to think radically to save yourself, do it.

Opentooffers · 24/06/2023 10:56

I think it's time to look for a new job. WFH if you can't, or retrain so you can. Life would be much simpler then.

roarrfeckingroar · 24/06/2023 11:48

Christ OP, that sucks. You poor thing.

Nooneknowswhatgoesonbehindcloseddoors · 24/06/2023 11:48

AllergicToPollenBadly · 22/06/2023 17:59

As the title says. I have a life threatening pollen allergy, I carry an epipen because of it and have had to use it more than once this year and then ended up being admitted to hospital because of it. My 9yo has also been taught to use the epipen on me my allergy is that bad and I’m a single parent.

It’s not a new allergy, I’ve had it since I was a toddler.

I’m pretty sure my mum resents me for it because she loves the summer and the heat and I just can’t. I spend most of the summer months dosed up on antihistamines and hiding away – I even try and go to work and leave work when pollen is at it’s lowest and I’m still often triggered and using my inhaler.

So mum bought me flowers. When I pointed out my allergy she just said “Oh you still have that, I have enough of working round that when you were a kid, oh well” and handed me the flowers.

If I weren’t a single parent and so desperately in need of the childcare help as ASC closes at 5.30pm everyday and I finish work at 5.30pm so have a half hour short fall – no CMs with space that open later, many close earlier and I just can’t afford a nanny – then I’d have cut her off for it.

How do I recover from this mentally? Because I have got to have a civil relationship with my mum for DDs sake due to childcare options being limited.

I wouldn’t risk her looking after my child. Isn’t there an alternative?

Nooneknowswhatgoesonbehindcloseddoors · 24/06/2023 11:58

MMMarmite · 22/06/2023 18:49

I think the people who are minimising this have no experience of abusive parents. You know her best OP, you can tell whether it's a one-off mistake or part of a pattern of neglect or manipulative nastiness.

I saw a friend’s child hospitalised for allergy (I misread a food label so it was my fault). I have never been so afraid in my life. I was mortified. The docs said we had brought. Hold in at the right time. They administered the adrenaline and the child was up and running around within a few hours. Both mum and child forgave me. My friend was very kind and I continued to look after her child.

Mine was a big mistake. I had checked the label. I would never have willingly exposed the child to an allergen.

I understand why op wants to go NC.

ChristmasFluff · 24/06/2023 12:05

OP, if you haven't already, read 'People of the Lie' by M Scott Peck. You will recognise your mother in there.

I agree with those who urge you to keep your children away from her.

itsgettingweird · 24/06/2023 12:55

AnyaMarx · 22/06/2023 18:46

So you would cut her off for buying you some flowers but you can't because you rely on her for childcare ?

Lots of people do grow hot of allergies- is it possible she thought that might be the case ?

It's a bit dramatic to cut her off for it and a bit entitled to think this way and still happily use her for childcare.

Considering the OP has been hospitalised numerous times in a few months due to this allergy - it's not really conceivable her mum believed she'd grown out of it!

OP is there another option to look at your working hours? Speak to a childminder rather than use websites and see if any will take your dd for longer hours?

Perhaps look at a nanny for an hour a day? If there's a local family with a nanny then nanny share may be an option?

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