Feeling underwhelmed by my first relationship

[cactussmack]

My boyfriend and I have been together since January after initially matching on Tinder. Our relationship is still in the early getting to know each other stages and this is my first “adult” relationship, but I can’t help feel naive when I say I anticipated more?

We travelled abroad and went to two concerts during our time together, things I enjoy doing and feel excited by but felt really underwhelmed while with him. I envisioned cute couple pictures and fancy dates but received neither. I love taking photographs of things and people but I am rather shy when it comes to asking people for photographs together. I guess I felt disheartened because he has pictures with his exes that he would have taken.

I brought him to one of my favourite cities and he didn’t enjoy it because he felt there was too many rules and it was too expensive to get drunk in. The issue was there was no rules but an informal request that tourists be respectful, and the price of alcohol is no different to any bar in our own city. I’m not frugal with money especially abroad and believe if you have it to spend, then spend it. He’s significantly more well off than me and has it to spend. I always feel grateful to be abroad and hate people complaining.

Neither of us are perfect, no human is. Throughout our relationship, there has been very simple things I’ve asked him to do that he hasn’t like bring out the bins. I guess I just felt fed up of not being listened too by my boyfriend, and it might have been brewing subconsciously, but I woke up mid sleep beside him at the weekend and had to sleep on the couch because I just felt off.

The next morning I told him exactly how I felt, stating that who he is right now is not the person I want to be with or could see myself living with. I told him that I don’t feel the same way as I did and highlighted why. He asked for a chance to prove himself and to show he is capable of doing the things I ask and he set a deadline on it himself (two week window). He said if I still felt the same by the end, then I would be within every right to breakup with him.

So far, he has kept his word and I am impressed. I’m also frustrated and annoyed it took him this long to do simple things that benefit him more than me, but I’m also happy he is finally doing these things. It’s weird and I feel weird.

I spoke with my own mum about it and she pointed out that he is trying and does deserve a chance. My sister agreed and said I need to think about things before making it any decisions and whatever decision I do make, I need to be really sure of. I also don’t want to feel like I am just settling for convenience but I’m also scared to make the wrong decision.

I just needed to get this off my chest in a place that wouldn’t be biased.

You sound hard to please

Time to move on. He's clearly not the one for you. Sorry you're disappointed

It's not meant to be this hard- he's not the one for you.

Move on - more fish in the sea

Yikes, it definitely wasn’t my intention to come off that way, I just wanted to get some feelings off my chest.

I’m really not hard to please (though you might find that hard to believe), and my boyfriend would often say I’m very low maintenance!

There’s things my boyfriend has done that aren’t acceptable but if I was to flag them in this post then I know people would be very quick to say breakup. I was trying to get it unbiased for both our sakes.

You presumably don't live together, so why are you asking him to put out your bins?
Anyway, like everyone else said, move on.

There is no harm in not feeling it...means he isn't the one. So just move on, no hard feelings..goodbye.
I think as you only met him in January it's a lot to go abroad so early since you hardly knew him at that stage. Maybe slow down the next time, enjoy doing your own stuff and stop having too many fantasies about the ideal guy.

Not my bins, his! His bins overflow and attract flies. He also ties up a bin bag and leaves it in the corner of his kitchen instead of taking it out to a big bin. There could be 5 bin bags sitting there!

PPs are right, it's not complicated. You're not right for each other.

You don't owe him a relationship. You're not feeling right, so end it.

It sounds to me a bit like you're cosplaying a relationship rather than actually being present in it.

Fancy dates and cute photos do not a relationship make.

You sound quite incompatible as well. You've only been together 5 or 6 months you should still be head over heels at this stage. I'd cut him loose.

Going downstairs because you don't want to be near him?
He is not the one for you.
Let it go.

OP "We travelled abroad and went to two concerts during our time together, things I enjoy doing and feel excited by but felt really underwhelmed while with him."

Do you mean his presence actually reduced your enjoyment? He's not right for you then, I think.

Of course they don’t make a relationship! I just figured as it was our first holiday together, we’d at least manage to take one couple snap for our memeories ☺️

Very well put.
Sorry OP, but I got the same vibe.

You can break up with as many boyfriends as you like, when you like. You do not need a reason or to give them a reason.

You hint at other unsavoury things and should never do or be made to do anything you don’t want to. Any boyfriend who breaks your boundaries doesn’t deserve a second chance ever. Set you boundaries high. You are young, have fun but stay safe.

The first months you should be really loved up. You aren’t and he’s not right for you. Don’t settle. There are plenty of other fishes in the sea.

I think, rather than blaming it all on him or trying to find things he has done or hasn't, it's okay to admit to yourself that you wanted more for your first proper relationship.

This is that situation where two people get together and then bicker about things whilst in reality they are not suited that well.

You want more, and that's okay. As helpful your family members try to be, they don't have to spend their time with him.

I feel like you're trying to convince yourself that you didn't settle for less.

Honestly, I felt underwhelmed by his complaining i.e. the queues are too long, “all I can hear is screaming girls” (fans at a concert), beer is too expensive, activity was shite, etc., it’s hard not to feel slightly disappointed when the person you’re with just complains.

When it was good, it was good! He got involved in a mosh pit and was like an excited child Christmas morning and my heart swelled with love. It just wasn’t always consistently like this.

Yes, your first relationship can be a learning curve when you've nothing to compare it to. But this doesn't sound right, I'd cut him loose.

I think your sister is being a bit over the top in her advice - it's your first relationship and it's six month's long, deciding that it's not working for you really isn't a massive decision that you need to agonise over - why is she setting so much store by it?

If he has to make an effort to behave decently, then it's not going to stick. Throw him back and try another one, try a few!

If it feels weird, it is. You know, sometimes relationships or friendships just don't work out, and it's nobody's fault.

Do you love him and enjoy his company? Is the sex good?

There's very little evidence of any emotion in your posts. It sounds like you're just not that into him and that's fine- move on. Not many people stay in their first relationship for ever.

Hazarding a guess here but I’ve always been independent and not interested in relationships up until I met my boyfriend. My studies and friends were my priorities during my university days and I was happy with casual dates and friend with benefit situations. I think I surprised both sister and mum when I told them I was in a relationship along with many friends too. I think they think that my boyfriend must be great (and he is) because he changed my mindset and they’re happy to see me settled rather casually dating. Old fashioned mindset!

They also have a mindset that relationships take time and work and won’t always be sunshine and rainbows, and feel this could be just a blip in the road so don’t want me to make any irrational decisions incase I regret it. Maybe they feel this way because of their past relationships but again it may be because they think my boyfriend must shite gold as he changed my mindset on relationships!

I do love him and have always enjoyed his company until recently where there has been times I felt I didn’t enjoy it. Again, not consistent but important I mention there has been times I haven’t enjoyed his company, but for the most part I do. Our sex is really great and we are very sexually compatible.