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Relationships

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Original poster

Feeling underwhelmed by my first relationship

60 replies

cactussmack · 21/06/2023 22:58

My boyfriend and I have been together since January after initially matching on Tinder. Our relationship is still in the early getting to know each other stages and this is my first “adult” relationship, but I can’t help feel naive when I say I anticipated more?

We travelled abroad and went to two concerts during our time together, things I enjoy doing and feel excited by but felt really underwhelmed while with him. I envisioned cute couple pictures and fancy dates but received neither. I love taking photographs of things and people but I am rather shy when it comes to asking people for photographs together. I guess I felt disheartened because he has pictures with his exes that he would have taken.

I brought him to one of my favourite cities and he didn’t enjoy it because he felt there was too many rules and it was too expensive to get drunk in. The issue was there was no rules but an informal request that tourists be respectful, and the price of alcohol is no different to any bar in our own city. I’m not frugal with money especially abroad and believe if you have it to spend, then spend it. He’s significantly more well off than me and has it to spend. I always feel grateful to be abroad and hate people complaining.

Neither of us are perfect, no human is. Throughout our relationship, there has been very simple things I’ve asked him to do that he hasn’t like bring out the bins. I guess I just felt fed up of not being listened too by my boyfriend, and it might have been brewing subconsciously, but I woke up mid sleep beside him at the weekend and had to sleep on the couch because I just felt off.

The next morning I told him exactly how I felt, stating that who he is right now is not the person I want to be with or could see myself living with. I told him that I don’t feel the same way as I did and highlighted why. He asked for a chance to prove himself and to show he is capable of doing the things I ask and he set a deadline on it himself (two week window). He said if I still felt the same by the end, then I would be within every right to breakup with him.

So far, he has kept his word and I am impressed. I’m also frustrated and annoyed it took him this long to do simple things that benefit him more than me, but I’m also happy he is finally doing these things. It’s weird and I feel weird.

I spoke with my own mum about it and she pointed out that he is trying and does deserve a chance. My sister agreed and said I need to think about things before making it any decisions and whatever decision I do make, I need to be really sure of. I also don’t want to feel like I am just settling for convenience but I’m also scared to make the wrong decision.

I just needed to get this off my chest in a place that wouldn’t be biased.

OP posts:

inloveandmarried · 21/06/2023 23:49

You haven't met the right one just yet.

When you do it's easy. It's as if you've always been together in easy companionship. If you have to ask is this right? Then it's not.

momtoboys · 21/06/2023 23:52

imagiantwitch · 21/06/2023 23:19

It's not meant to be this hard- he's not the one for you.

This.

guineacup · 22/06/2023 08:01

mayorofcasterbridge · 21/06/2023 23:42

Do you love him and enjoy his company? Is the sex good?

It's completely obvious from what the OP has written that she doesn't love him!

And even if the sex is good, there seems to be too much incompatibility here. It's a completely bogus reason for staying in an otherwise bad relationship.

guineacup · 22/06/2023 08:06

Ok, apologies I missed the update where the OP says she does love him.

OP - You say you love him, but this is your first relationship and your posts aren't consistent with that. You feel a connection to him which is probably more to do with the sex than anything...

Alargeoneplease89 · 22/06/2023 08:07

Maybe its because you are so used to being independent that you have set your standards. When in reality you do need to make compromises (not on the bin bags though that sounds minging and constant moaning on holiday is depressing).

Whataretheodds · 22/06/2023 08:09

I agree with most of the PP!

You don't need him to grant you the right to end it. If you want photos, take photos that's not a commitment. Also, adult relationships involve accepting that the person you are with had a pasr with, and may have a future with other people. Including photos. That's not something to feel embarrassed about.

It does sound as though you're not quite well enough suited to each other, and that's fine. It's not a competition. One of you didn't lose and the other win. If you're not right for each other it's the combination that didn't work. Statistically most romantic relationships end.

By all means carry on a bit longer if you like, keep doing stuff you enjoy and he enjoys and see if you can have a nice time together. If not, then knock it on the head.

snitzelvoncrumb · 22/06/2023 08:09

I would move on. You don’t owe him a chance.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 22/06/2023 08:37

Off topic, but ai have to ask!
How can people be ’loved up’ in the first months, when they don’t even know each other?

EmmaEmerald · 22/06/2023 08:49

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 22/06/2023 08:37

Off topic, but ai have to ask!
How can people be ’loved up’ in the first months, when they don’t even know each other?

isn't that exactly why they're loved up?

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 22/06/2023 08:52

EmmaEmerald · 22/06/2023 08:49

isn't that exactly why they're loved up?

Show quote history

I don’t know/understand.
I thought love is once you know them, accept them and want to be with them and choose them out of all the other options.

Newyearnewmeow · 22/06/2023 08:53

I would dump him just for the manky bin bags. This is who he is OP. It’s really not worth all the hand wringing, just get rid.

JorisBonson · 22/06/2023 09:00

Jesus wept this is exhausting. Just end this "relationship".

sureigot20 · 22/06/2023 09:13

Poor lad! You sound very intense

pickledandpuzzled · 22/06/2023 09:34

This is a practice relationship, you're working out how things work.

It's not working out, he could have done the right things before but chose not to. Once he has you committed and unable to leave he will stop doing those things and you'll be trapped.

So bins will be an issue forever. And other things as well.

Babdoc · 22/06/2023 09:44

OP, I think you are not the type who wants a long term relationship, and you are now actively looking for a way out, irritated by your partner’s every little action, or failure to live up to your checklist.
You say even your own mother was surprised you are in a relationship, that you are independent minded, that you have always preferred a “friends with benefits” arrangement. I think that’s who you are, and maybe you should stick to that.

teadi · 22/06/2023 09:46

It sounds like he's not right for you and so smaller things are amplified and annoying you more than they should.

For example, towards the end of my last relationship certain small things my (now ex DP) was doing was getting on my nerves, my current DP can now do they exact same things and it's more of a shrug/eye-roll feeling as I'm so happy overall.

In my last relationship I was getting frustrated at the lack of effort for dates, nice meals out together etc. With my current partner I couldn't care less what we do/where we go as we always have fun and I feel loved and cared for in general regardless of effort to book fancy restaurants.

It may not be that you're hard to please, or may just be that you're not "feeling it" or the lack of spark is getting you done but it's coming out in other ways.

It doesn't need to be like this.

todaloomf · 22/06/2023 09:46

Northernparent68 · 21/06/2023 23:12

You sound hard to please

She doesnt, none of that is asking much. She just seems to not bounce off this person

Abouttimemum · 22/06/2023 09:56

It doesn’t sounds like you’re right for each other.

Not a chance i’d waste money on overpriced alcohol but neither would my husband 🤷‍♀️

Also not fussed about cute photos for social media but again, neither is my husband.

Plenty of fellas out there who you might be better matched with.

Abouttimemum · 22/06/2023 09:57

teadi · 22/06/2023 09:46

It sounds like he's not right for you and so smaller things are amplified and annoying you more than they should.

It may not be that you're hard to please, or may just be that you're not "feeling it" or the lack of spark is getting you done but it's coming out in other ways.

It doesn't need to be like this.

These are good points!

MaxTalk · 22/06/2023 10:38

Dump him. Most relationships get boring and hard work.

Be single, explore the world and push your career forward. Have a dull relationship with a loser isn't worth it at your age.

The world has lots to offer - go and enjoy it.

StopFeckingFaffing · 22/06/2023 10:43

Just end it

If the relationship isn't making you happy for whatever reason then you don't need his (or your Mum's) permission to end it

FunkyBuddha85 · 22/06/2023 10:51

How old are you OP? I was like you in my first adult relationship at 23. Full of anticipation and expectations- not unreasonable ones, just the norm as you are describing. We did loads of activities/attractions together which on the surface would be ideal couple activities but I always came away disappointed and frustrated as he would ruin it with little remarks and wouldn't want to go to bars or for drinks after work as drinking during the week wasn't the done thing to do 🙄.
It was exhausting but I stayed for 2 years because I thought I loved him and sex was pretty good. But I just felt more and more annoyed and had to end it.
I felt so free afterwards and realised just how incompatible we were.
I think if you feel like this after after six you should move on. Find someone who matches your sparkle 💖 although, I'm still yet to find mine at 38! C'est La Vie.. I'd still rather be single and know he's out there someone than being stuck with a guy who's just 'meh'.

Stratocumulus · 22/06/2023 10:52

MaxTalk · 22/06/2023 10:38

Dump him. Most relationships get boring and hard work.

Be single, explore the world and push your career forward. Have a dull relationship with a loser isn't worth it at your age.

The world has lots to offer - go and enjoy it.

As soon as I read your first post I was thinking “dump him!”
I later read the bit about dirty bin bags in his kitchen. Dump him!
Then I read the above post from @MaxTalk and really she’s said it all. Dump him.

SkaterBrained · 22/06/2023 10:59

Do you want a relationship? It isn't clear that you felt anything was missing before you met him.

I also think you have an almost abstract, yet fixed, idea of what a relationship should be though. You wanted to share your favourite city and have him respond a particular way, you want to document it with pictures and making memories.

I'd split up with this guy as it's clearly not working, but if you do feel you want a relationship (you don't need to) I would maybe try to expand your ideas of how things can be, dropping how things "should" be, if that makes sense. More books and less social media might help shift your perspective.

Wishimaywishimight · 22/06/2023 12:43

This all sounds very strange. It's more like a test, for him, with you as the grand prize, than a relationship. It doesn't sound remotely pleasurable or enjoyable for either of you.

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