Feeling underwhelmed by my first relationship

[cactussmack]

My boyfriend and I have been together since January after initially matching on Tinder. Our relationship is still in the early getting to know each other stages and this is my first “adult” relationship, but I can’t help feel naive when I say I anticipated more?

We travelled abroad and went to two concerts during our time together, things I enjoy doing and feel excited by but felt really underwhelmed while with him. I envisioned cute couple pictures and fancy dates but received neither. I love taking photographs of things and people but I am rather shy when it comes to asking people for photographs together. I guess I felt disheartened because he has pictures with his exes that he would have taken.

I brought him to one of my favourite cities and he didn’t enjoy it because he felt there was too many rules and it was too expensive to get drunk in. The issue was there was no rules but an informal request that tourists be respectful, and the price of alcohol is no different to any bar in our own city. I’m not frugal with money especially abroad and believe if you have it to spend, then spend it. He’s significantly more well off than me and has it to spend. I always feel grateful to be abroad and hate people complaining.

Neither of us are perfect, no human is. Throughout our relationship, there has been very simple things I’ve asked him to do that he hasn’t like bring out the bins. I guess I just felt fed up of not being listened too by my boyfriend, and it might have been brewing subconsciously, but I woke up mid sleep beside him at the weekend and had to sleep on the couch because I just felt off.

The next morning I told him exactly how I felt, stating that who he is right now is not the person I want to be with or could see myself living with. I told him that I don’t feel the same way as I did and highlighted why. He asked for a chance to prove himself and to show he is capable of doing the things I ask and he set a deadline on it himself (two week window). He said if I still felt the same by the end, then I would be within every right to breakup with him.

So far, he has kept his word and I am impressed. I’m also frustrated and annoyed it took him this long to do simple things that benefit him more than me, but I’m also happy he is finally doing these things. It’s weird and I feel weird.

I spoke with my own mum about it and she pointed out that he is trying and does deserve a chance. My sister agreed and said I need to think about things before making it any decisions and whatever decision I do make, I need to be really sure of. I also don’t want to feel like I am just settling for convenience but I’m also scared to make the wrong decision.

I just needed to get this off my chest in a place that wouldn’t be biased.

Maybe he’s not the right man or maybe it’s not the right time for you to ‘settle down.’ Tolerating another person’s foibles is part of any relationship, but you get to choose which ones and moaniness and negativity is quite off putting! If you’re very picky in general but do want to be in a relationship then maybe think/talk through that separately.

Although, honestly, just the fact you have something in your head that you don’t feel you should put on the thread to not ‘bias’ it is really all the information that you need. If you don’t want to tell anonymous internet strangers something because you think it makes him look bad then that’s probably a sign to get rid. Have you told your family about whatever it is?

I find "feeling underwhelmed" in a relationship means the shine has worn off and I'm starting to see the cracks of incompatibility that are beginning to show.

It's normal to realise you're not really compatible after 6 months and it's absolutely fine for a first "adult" relationship to be the first of several before you find the one that feels right and not at all underwhelming.

Thank you to everyone who commented on the thread offering advice.

I wanted to address a few things.

1. I had a short-term relationship when I was 17. It lasted a very brief and forceful 3 months until I found the willpower to leave without being manipulated to stay. My then boyfriend threatened suicide but once I finally found the courage to leave, he decided to share explicit photos I sent with his classmates. His classmates were the ones who reached out to me to let me know what was going on and as soon as I found out, I went to the police. Unfortunately at that time, revenge porn wasn’t an illegal offence but because I was a minor and he was 18 at the time, it could legally be considered child pornography and if I pursued charges he would’ve been a registered sex offender. Before anyone suggests counselling (as MN loves that) I have already been!
2. Someone suggested maybe I am not a relationship person and should stick to casual dating and friends with benefit situations, which is a very roundabout way of saying I should be alone indefinitely and not very appreciated.
3. Up until May 2022, I was in university Monday to Friday and worked every Saturday and Sunday. My first year of college I was a live-in nanny for my sister while balancing my studies and part-time work for “pocket money” as she provided accomdation in exchange for nannying. Covid happened and my love life went into lockdown along with everyone else’s. By the time I returned to campus, I was a final year student and up to my eyes with assignments and a big thesis, on top of working part-time. Throughout my university years, my studies were my main priority and any spare time I had was spent with my friends socialising. During this time, I had casual flings and friends with benefit situations because they suited my schedule and needs best. I, like many of my friends, are all of the opinion that relationships aren’t necessary during university years.
4. When I met my boyfriend, I was the one who deleted Tinder first and started the initial ‘what are we’ conversation because I knew I wanted more with him and by that I meant a relationship. I didn’t feel any obligation to settle and I still don’t because I am in my early twenties and have my whole life ahead of me for love. Up until my boyfriend, I never felt a connection or desire to be with the person I was seeing and that’s why I acted on it and pursued a relationship with my boyfriend.
5. I wanted pictures for our memories not for social media. I am aware there is going to be people before me and maybe even people after (that’s the cycle of life). I’m also fully aware that relationships portrayed on social media and movies are not realistic. What I meant by stating he had pictures with his exes that he had taken was to merely emphasis the fact he took the pictures of them together but we had none of our first holiday together. As mentioned, I feel shy asking people for photographs so this could (most likely) be an entirely me issue as his exes might have asked.
6. Throughout our relationship, I’ve asked very few things of my boyfriend and he would always say I am very low maintenance. I have very sensitive skin and can’t used fragranced products which my boyfriend knows. For Valentines, he bought me a bath set with fragranced products and bath bombs. He said he bought it because he knew I loved baths (he tried) but obviously forgot I had sensitive skin and couldn’t use any of it. He didn’t write me a Valentine’s day card either (my favourite things) and I felt slightly disappointed. I decided to ask him if he could buy cards in future and he said he would. I said nothing about the bath set because his reasoning for buying it was quite sweet, I do love baths! For my birthday, he kept asking my shoe size (UK5) and he asked at least 10 times, when I opened my gift the shoes were a size UK6. He said he could try and return them but I told him it was fine and I can just wear an extra pair of socks! However, there was no birthday card and now I did feel upset. I asked why and he said he doesn’t believe in cards because they’re a waste of trees.
7. I brought him to one of my favourite cities because he said he wanted to go repeatedly since we first stated dating. I was happy to revisit and share some of my favourite places with my boyfriend while trying new ones too. Unfortunately, he didn’t like it as much as either of us thought he would, but the constant complaining was a little too much and brought down the holiday vibe a little. And just incase anyone thinks I don’t know, I know it’s entirely okay for people not to like the same things and places as I do!

I hope this touched on a few points and might make things a little clearer. I do appreciate everyone’s advice and the fact you’ve all taken time to comment. I’m in my early twenties and still navigating my way through life and relationships. I’ve never had a “model relationship” in my life to look up to or aspire too, and my one previous experience with relationships wasn’t positive either. This post was to get my own feelings about my relationship off my chest rather be told I’m hard work. You hear it all the time that you just know when you’ve met the one, the honeymoon phase, and how it won’t be hard work but I’ve never known that to happen to anyone I know personally in all my life. I anticipated that with my first “adult” relationship but felt slightly underwhelmed when I realised it wasn’t actually that simple.

This whole thing sound too much hard work.

Also, if you want someone to take a photo with you, JUST ASK.

Sometimes relationships just run it's course and it sounds like this for you

I think you are getring too hard time on these comments.

I totally understand what you mean. I don’t think you are in the wrong. Or ’hard work’, this MN though, any woman who wants some romance from a man is unreasonable 🙄.

But it does sound like that this dude isin’t for you.
The whole: wants to get drunk would have been my exit.

Isn't that exactly the time when people are "loved up"?!

"Loved up" to me equates to those intense feelings of passion and longing that grow as the start of a relationship almost invariably wane as a relationship progresses.

It's not the same as the profound and abiding "love" that characterises strong and committed relationships that have withstood time and challenges, and is more deep than intense.

Ah, OP, it's all still early in your life. You're right that university life doesn't make relationships necessary, and I applaud thr way you are prioritising your youth and fun, while also now going into love and caring for yourself.

But there's an early 20s stage of having more playful less freighted relationships too- i think you're in that bit. Some people will.try and make you settle down and work on it, as if you're married or have kids, but you really shouldn't yet.

I understand you want him to care and do the things you feel are your "love language". You're both just getting more skilful at stating your needs, knowing when something is a "you problem" rather than something the other person needs to change or sort out... and knowing how to respond to the other person bidding for love and attention in their own way.

In 20 year's time you'll be able to interpret the "cards are a waste of trees" as either very cold and thoughtless, or just a genuine variation of how someone looks at the world, as you will have more experience of the wider context and his wider behaviour. But this is training wheels time - you're both just having a go at trying to please each other get your own emotional needs met in a fair way.

If it's not fun doing this bin him off! There are SO MANY NICE MEN.

And while you're knocking the corners off each other, you are both learning. Learning through dumping and being dumped, getting your hearts broken, making bad calls, treating people well or badly, having not enough boundaries and putting up with shit, or being too judgemental...

And right now, somewhere out there, the man you can settle down with in 10 years is learning all the same life lessons in his own early relationships!

So when you finally meet each other... you will both be ready. :)

I don't think you are hard work, OP! From everything you've said, I don't think you need to work any more in this relationship, he's just not what you are looking for and you don't need to keep trying to make it work just because you think you should.

As EthicalNonMahogany says, there are lots of nice men out there. When you get a good one for you, you will feel the difference!

I'm not saying that you don't have to work at relationships, but in my experience, that doesn't mean squashing down your own desires, it's generally more to do with dealing with life's challenges together.

Their is no hint in your posts that he is the right person for you - why are you persisting with this?