Uncomfortable when gf is out having fun

[trkgmssy]

Hey everyone, I have a healthy relationship but our having fun understanding doesn't match. I moved to Germany a few years ago and she is a native, therefore she has plenty of friends family, relatives, she had a whole life hanging out with them or going out, I was just included in her life.
When it comes to me, I am new to country and therefore have no friends or anyone to hangout but her, as my self I was never a going out and having parties person, I dont drink by choice so the parties doesn't suit me so much, I need to sit or stand somewhere with a full open mind while they dont think about anything and just party.
I attempted to some of these just to be there with her, and wasn't the best experience for me but got through for her
My gf's complain is, she can't have as much as fun when im there because needs to check on me and hang with me. So I shouldnt come with her to these events.

If I have nothing else to do that day and she is out having all her fun, I am just waiting home for her texts or at worst feel bad being alone and get sad.

And the last stroke for this thread was, she said I shouldn't come to her grandmas wedding because she can't have fun completely when im there, which I was invited by her grandma and I have a good connection with her. Actually wanted to join but after her response I feel left out of her life.

The question is; this gatherings for her happens 2 3 times a week, at first I decided not to join so would be good for both of us, after a while i started feeling bad because I am not having fun during the week without her or wanting to chat with her.
I feel like im the who needs to change how i think or should we find a middle way to get me included ?

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

This relationship is doomed. Do yourself a massive favour and end it. You two are not suited for each other.

Totally unsuited. You need to develop a life for yourself not just hang around waiting for her. Or find someone who is like you and wants to spend most of their time with you.

You've had a few years to find yourself a social circle that suits you, that's a big part of relocating. You cannot rely on her for everything, that is unhealthy.

You are mismatched socially, and the fact that she has asked you not to attend a family wedding because she will have a better time if you are not there tells you all you need to know.

But as a standart in europe i can't think any other person not having these events, In every single relationship I will need to go through this step.
As far as I see she is having less than other options I could even think of.
I will never enjoy loud music parties or concerts in my life I know that much, I thought she could have a few days of the week for her self and i would be okay. The point which gets to me is that, If there is an event for her to join and I willingy drive to her an hour to hangout i will always be the second option and those events wont be missed instead of hanging with me. She states that she is her own person and i should fill the blank moments in my life myself by finding some excitment. I told her that her was the only exciting thing in the state of my life. My Uni hasn't started so can't make friends to do something.

She never seen this situation from other side, I never went to hang out with my friends leaving her behind, it was always me waiting for her, and I think she can't understand how it feels needing someone attentions sometimes.

As others have said, you're clearly not suited.

I know our problem comes from me not having a social life right now, first years of my life was just struggling to settle in, so had no other time for friends or social activity, finally i got into an Uni but it hasn't started so till I also get into a social circle I don't have any other option.

Your girlfriend is not responsible for your happiness. The only person responsible is you. You've lived in Germany for "a few years" and yet you haven't found a single club, activity, sport, neighbour etc. to occupy your time. A relationship should enhance your life, not BE your life. The poor girl must feel suffocated. And when she does include you it seems that you make no effort to join in/get to know people.

If you are not willing to change then your relationship is doomed. Your wants and needs are incompatible.

She states that she is her own person and i should fill the blank moments in my life myself by finding some excitment.

She's telling you clearly that she isn't interested in being your entertainment. There are many ways to meet people other than Uni, and if you've been there a few years you've had time to make an effort. Being told that you're the only exciting thing in someones life is suffocating, and not attractive, and your choice to sit in and feel sad and wait for her texts is exactly that, your choice.

Time to make a life for yourself, it may be that you don't have as much in common as you thought.

We are each others first relationship and we enjoyed our time together so much, we both didnt want or need something else, she would also make plans with me instead of parties, you know how butterflies months are, but then we proceeded she wanted to do other things and chose those over our things (totally understandable) she was completely ready for the transition she had other friends family, I was so busy with her i didnt want any other friends or activities, thats why i never put the effort to find something else, now she wants other activities. Meanwhile I got caught empty handed because i didnt think i was going to need something else.
My dumbass
I really dont want to give up and put whatever it takes to make it work.
Might be rough a few months for me but would it be the answer for us me finding those things i missed all that time ?

It sounds like you need to occupy your time better so you’re not bored and waiting for her; or break up- you’re not compatible really

This. I’m not unsympathetic to loneliness, but you need to take responsibility for integrating socially, and, if you don’t like or suit the social life accessible through your girlfriend, then it’s your responsibility to make your own circle. I think this relationship is doomed anyway, as you’re so mismatched, but if you don’t have your own friends and social circle, the problem will follow you into subsequent relationships unless you find someone equally friendless.

And, OP, no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who says ‘You’re my only friend and the only exciting thing in my life, and if we’re not hanging out, I just go into hibernation until you come home again.’ People want to be with someone who also has their own life and brings some of that richness and different stuff into the relationship to enrich it.

Can I ask how long exactly you’ve been in Germany, and why you say it took you several years to initially settle in, during which time you didn’t make any friends, or join anything? Did you speak no German? Did you move to Germany for your relationship, and if so, was it better in whoever country you originally got together in?

I am not willing to breakup and she is also putting so much effort into my problem to keep this, this might be big difference between us but other aspects of our life matches alot. When I say partying she doesnt go out drinking every night, she has mostly family meetings and they are cool people sitting and talking, to get used to culture more i would love to attend to these and it wouldn't bother me so much being there. As stated above, is she also doesnt want me in these then end is obvious. Before I even think about ending it I really would like to try if it will help if i am able to occupy my self. I am a big car guy and working on my car for hours during weekend, I am not even reminded she is doing something and I am just bored because I am not there. Reason comes from me not being occupied enough. Realizing this makes me wanna try finding something before we get to that point.

It sounds like you've come to the end of your journey with her. Fundamentally you're in the wrong place with the wrong person in the long term.

You need to make some kind of social life for yourself independent of her.

She's not responsible for your happiness or social life. How old are you? You sound very young.

You've been in Germany for a few years, time to be a grown up and take some responsibility for yourself.

It sounds like she doesn't want you but can't be bothered to break up with you.

The relationship is doomed.

I came to Germany 2 years ago for a visit and stayed for 4 months, I really loved it here, how everything is chill and slow, fits my personality perfect. Then had to go back for visa stuff and to be exact a for few months more than a year I can say I am settled. I attended language course in another city for 6 months and during that every month you get new people or lose a few. So I couldn't find someone during that time, and after it was done I was back at my origin city. For half of the time I was in Germany I didnt have opportunity, we have a relationship for about a year now, that first six months I didnt have opportunity, and last 6 as I said I was with her, even though I was doing language course still I had her and she is being my first love I was amazed, knowing that everyone from the language course will go to their ways and to other parts of the country I stacked to her which was permeant. In a week I am done with the language courses and will start to University finally, thats the place I think I can finally say I have a life, so will try my best to fit in. I met her here and she is from here, even though I didnt speak her own language she was so open minded, she was so much help to get used to here and still Is. It might be difficult for others to understand but Iam someone stranger in the country, I can barely speak their language, when I found her she made me forget all of my concerns and I felt safe, and she became my everything, I really didnt think about other friends because never felt I needed something else but her, we were doing and telling everything to eachothers, when the relationship got serious she started having her own things more and as I said I just caught not prepared for this. It wasn't a slow process. We had long talks about this and we both know I need to get a "life" else it wouldn't work.

I have my opportunity in a few months and I will try everythingg to make a life hoping with my everything that will fix it or at least make it better, she says its enough to see even a tiny bit of progress.

Because I had her and we both did everything together I didnt think I would need new friends soon. I am 22 yo. when she started having other life things, I wasn't prepared. The reply above explains why I couldn't make a friend circle detailed

Let her do her things which you don't enjoy. Do some things together which you both enjoy. Build your own hobbies and groups and you should be ok and not be so dependent on her.

You are an introvert in a foreign country. I get it, been there (not Germany).
You are also very young. No disrespect, just a fact: you haven't had the time to fully develop your personality yet, that is a work in progress until we die! And for you, that project is in phase 1.

I am in Europe and no, it's not standard to go out multiple times a week. Staying in is very popular, believe me.
Try to find activities you enjoy on your own. Hobbies, the library, walking around, taking photographs. Whatever suits. Doing quiet stuff and enjoying it = getting a life.

Do not rely on your girlfriend for entertainment.

Do you speak German at a good level?

I am in a binational marriage. I’m bilingual. After more than 20 years. DH still doesn’t speak my mother tongue. It’s a pain in the arsed if I want to see my friends because I would then need to translate, concentrate in him all the time. And it means I can’t enjoy seeing my friends. This was true with family too (I’m talking about my own parents and at the time my Nan)
The result that I’m going back home on my own now. It was just too hard (for both of us).

You also need to find your own friends and your own hobbies. You can’t rely in her and just her to keep you company.

What feels like a real incompatibility is her enjoying going out and partying and you not at all.
So I’m wondering you are actually suited to each other to start with,

@Rec0veringAcademic , I’d say that going out several times a week as a 22yo, still at Uni (I imagine she is the same position than you @trkgmssy ) is pretty normal.

Depending which circles you are in, pretty normal to carry in going out Friday abd Saturday nights too.

It changed fir some of us when all got children.

I also think If i can fill the fun part of myself with the stuff I like, mostly quite and peaceful things, It wouldn't bother me she does her loud outside things once a while, during the winter we didnt have this problem at all because going out wasn't something people did, thats why its new and a struggle for us to get over. when we are together she also really enjoys hanging out at a park or just watching movies on a couch.
I feel like i just need a few more months till i get my life together, I am at the top of the mountain and just need to get over it.

The good part is I am at B2-C1 level and progressing every day so when I am with her family I can easily join to conversations and communicate, her family also knows English and sometimes reply in English to joke around. When they meet for a grill or something its also really fun for me to be included into their culture and practice my german. They adore how much I try to speak with them in their own language. But the reason she has concerns me hanging out with them is during the party times, firstly I dont drink and dont like parties. As you know its not easy to communicate with drunk people in that situation so I be left out a bit.

Having friends part was something i didnt notice before it happened, and I am just in the void with not so many people around me, to put effort and try something, I invited a friend from Netherlands for the weekend saying i would cover his costs.
With the uni and uni friends, it can be alot often and wouldnt need to bother her to have fun.