Uncomfortable when gf is out having fun

[trkgmssy]

Hey everyone, I have a healthy relationship but our having fun understanding doesn't match. I moved to Germany a few years ago and she is a native, therefore she has plenty of friends family, relatives, she had a whole life hanging out with them or going out, I was just included in her life.
When it comes to me, I am new to country and therefore have no friends or anyone to hangout but her, as my self I was never a going out and having parties person, I dont drink by choice so the parties doesn't suit me so much, I need to sit or stand somewhere with a full open mind while they dont think about anything and just party.
I attempted to some of these just to be there with her, and wasn't the best experience for me but got through for her
My gf's complain is, she can't have as much as fun when im there because needs to check on me and hang with me. So I shouldnt come with her to these events.

If I have nothing else to do that day and she is out having all her fun, I am just waiting home for her texts or at worst feel bad being alone and get sad.

And the last stroke for this thread was, she said I shouldn't come to her grandmas wedding because she can't have fun completely when im there, which I was invited by her grandma and I have a good connection with her. Actually wanted to join but after her response I feel left out of her life.

The question is; this gatherings for her happens 2 3 times a week, at first I decided not to join so would be good for both of us, after a while i started feeling bad because I am not having fun during the week without her or wanting to chat with her.
I feel like im the who needs to change how i think or should we find a middle way to get me included ?

Do you work? Go to a gym? Join a club where you can meet other blokes?

Yeah she is also at my age and lets say hangs out with people twice a week. It sometimes happens during weekend which is the only time I can create free time for both of us

I am happy that the events aren't like going to club till mornings, mostly friends birthday or graduation stuff so I know she is safe and just having fun.

Currently, studying University and because I have a language barrier, I need to study more than others, I also go to gym but thats something to keep my self busy, as a side effect of not having so much friends, I dont get to talk and open up, I find that only in her right now. Doing other things like reading or working on my car helps but the main issue is I am missing the friends' thing, which you socialize, I have a few hobbys I keep my self busy with but they are all me doing something alone, only time i get to interact with others when I am with her talking about my week or life.

Why are you sat at home waiting for her ?

You sound uncomfortable and unsuited
Not a healthy relationship at all
Disinvited from a family event is a big hunt , take that hint and leave

She said she would join to her friends graduation, because we havent seen eachothers for a week, I said I can wait for you and pick u up when your done, because I had nothing else good to do (again comes to me not having my own friend circle) the event took a lot longer than I thought, I was just sitting and waiting for her to text that she is done whole night,
What makes me feel bad about that situation is, doesnt she think that someone at home waits for her so she will at least try to leave.
When I opened up the topic she said it was one in life time thing for her friend and why she cant have fun as much as she wants.

Probably it was wrong for me to accept to wait for her instead should have gone home that day.
I still cant find who is in wrong here.

You're not even slightly compatible.

I have absolutely no idea why you would go out with someone whose idea of fun doesn't match yours.

You're not compatible.

What makes me feel bad about that situation is, doesnt she think that someone at home waits for her so she will at least try to leave.
When I opened up the topic she said it was one in life time thing for her friend and why she cant have fun as much as she wants

She's a young adult, she shouldn't have to leave early because her boyfriend is waiting at home for her. You're not compatible. You're probably making her feel guilty for leading a normal life- it sounds really controlling.

You need to split up or you'll end up making her feel guilty to see her friends and family and you'll end up alienating her from her support network.

OP highly likely to be a young woman

The more you post, the more I think you’re just not compatible.

The reality is that you’ll have to slot into her life to start with. She has her friends, she goes to birthdays and graduation parties. There is REALLY nothing wrong about any of that!! And she shouldn’t have to curtail that because you are in your own and lonely.

You mention that weekend is tte only time you can have together. Why is that?

She is not your entertainer and shouldn’t have to be. It’s really hard work when you are a person’s sole interest and entertainment and I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to drag you to events where you sit awkwardly alone unless she’s talking to you. You’re not a party person - that’s fine - but have you made the effort to get to know any of her friends? Have you learned the language? Joined clubs or societies in areas where you do have interests? I’m quite surprised she hasn’t dumped you already - you don’t sound as though you have anything interesting to talk about. I agree you should split up - you’re not compatible.

@Dumbphone I assumed it was a male from being 'a big car guy' in one of the posts.

Btw the waiting for her at the party was YOUR choice, you proposed the arrangement, not her.
You can’t then be resentful because she stayed longer etc…l

If you propose something, it has to be something you are genuinely happy with. Not an offer that comes with strings - and the way you look at it atm is about expecting her to feel guilty she made you wait fir so long and that she didn’t out your well-being first and before her own..

I was studying in another city for my language exam so we could only meet during the weekends, I had to drive 3hours go 3 hours back to meet.
We were excited to meet that week and planned it, but Thursday she mentioned tomorrow she has a friends event to attend, because during the week we both were excited I offered to wait while she was gone both agreed. Saturday morning I had to leave early for family stuff so only had Friday night to spend together,
When I asked she couldnt give an exact time when it would end but we thought around 8 so after a long day of school I drove 3 hours on Friday and waited at her place. I never pressured her in any way, from the reasons we cant control event ended close to midnight. As a human I just felt sad and told her that its sad we couldn't get enough time together.
And I totally agreed afterwards i shouldnt even feel because it was my responsibility to wait.

I am trying my best to talk with her friends or family whenever I see them and we communicate alot. I am learning her mother language more than a year and being able to talk to her or her family in their own language so they can express themselves a lot better is my biggest initiative. Even though I didnt reallyy enjoy the loud party type events I never showed that, I was always trying to dance or join to conversations they had, whenever she asked if i wanted to leave because I knew she was having fun I always refused and endured till the end. Thats why after all of these efforts when she didnt want me to come to her event made me feel like its all for nothing.

I know its weird but probably because of my missing social life, I am the one who seeks for more attention because she has enough people to communicate with and I dont, thats something im deeply trying to change and fill the social life.

Then I assume you’re right. I had assumed it was a woman as this dynamic is something I’ve seen in lots of female same-sex relationships (particularly in early-twenties).

"What makes me feel bad about that situation is, doesnt she think that someone at home waits for her so she will at least try to leave."

Why should she? You're choosing to hang about waiting. God I'd get so fed up with you.

I know it's already been said but I'm going to say it again because it's not going in. You are not compatible.
I heard a good saying once...
“Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
You want completely different things. It's not going to work out.

I think you need some therapy to discover why you are so reliant on your partner to provide all your fulfilment . This codependent behaviour always has some sort of root to it, you need to manage this or you will suffocate any partner you ever have

That was the exact thing i told her, even if we break up there is no chance i wont have these same problems again in my other relationships, It lays in me and I am the one who needs to fix it, because she is more familiar with the country she is already searching for a therapy, I also really wanna know which underlying reason makes me feel this way all the time and get over it, I hate feeling like this as much as maybe more than her, and we both decided we are not giving up so Its up to me working on it with everything i got to fix it. Else I wont be able to be happy and keep my partner happy in my life.

Just find somebody you’re compatible with.

You're not compatible with this person. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

You’re forcing a square peg into a round hole. You can keep trying to force it. But it’s not going to fit.

And stop saying you’re just going to keep encountering the same problem in each relationship you go into. That’s simply not true.

Seriously. ‘Compatibility’ is one of the cornerstones of a happy, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.

Do you have friends in your home country, or wherever it was you were living before you went to Germany?

I had really good 4 5 friends in my home country and that was all and was happy with that. Quality over quantity. One of my best friends also in Germany but because of different cities we are able meet once a month maybe for a few days.
He is the only person I can share my feelings actually.

I disagree with this.
If you aren't content in yourself and need someone to meet your needs in terms of entertainment and can't rely on yourself or occupy your time these things will keep happening