Should I be worried?

[Zigzaggy1]

Bit of back story …
Married over 10 years, 2DC. Husband had an affair yrs ago. We worked through it, identified the problems and have worked hard to fix them. It was tough but I honestly got over and have felt no need to check his behaviour, nor have I worried about him doing it again.

And then …

He has a work colleague. He kept mentioning her name in conversation which rattled me a bit. This is how the original affair was eventually found out. I get it they work together and have to communicate. I let it go. We then get invited to her wedding. Great she’s getting married, I don’t need to worry.
Then I saw messages on his works phone. I didn’t open them, so only saw her messages and not his responses. Talking about his home life. Confronted him, lots of reassurances and thought he’d be an idiot to do it again. But I’ve had this gut feeling for months. Her name is always there, on social media, at work etc. I’ve done something stupid and snooped. I know I shouldn’t have but I’ve felt so anxious.
They have been messaging for a while and I’m not sure how to take it. I feel hurt, humiliated and lied to. It seems like banter, but flirty banter. Lots of miss yous. A few messages being mean about me. Jokes about marrying each other and putting a smile on each others faces and selfies.
I don’t want to confront as I feel I need concrete proof something has happened. I’m just so lost.

What you've seen is enough proof for me to end the marriage.
Texts being mean about you? He has no respect for you and clearly would love something to happen with this other woman.
Would you be happy to stay in your marriage knowing that he's only with you because he can't have her?
Throw him out.

How long has it been since the last affair OP?

sounds like he’s at it again, because he’s a cheater, and cheaters cheat.

I don’t want to confront as I feel I need concrete proof something has happened.

Something has happened. Hugely. He is having an emotionally inappropriate relationship with another woman which can very, very easily turn physical.

He is cheating. Again.

I would confront the fuck out of him and show him the door.

2015 so quite a while a go. I know what you’re saying. I’m an idiot.

Yeah, that would be it for me even without the history.

That would be crossing a boundary for me personally. I never flirt with colleagues and would never entertain the idea of having flirty banter with a married one. How awful.

Doing this terrifies me. How would I cope on my own? I’ve never been on my own and no family close by.
Im just at a loss. Why is he such a twat to throw everything away.

You trusted someone who wasn’t worthy of your trust. Don’t berate yourself for it, but really really think about whether this is the relationship you want and deserve. You don’t need any more information from him. Only what you want, feel, and desire.

concrete ‘proof’ is irrelevant. What difference will it make? I think you’ve seen enough.

It’s stupid little things that have been wearing me down. Always liking his posts on social media, but if I’m tagged she doesn’t. It seems they lunch together. She leaves him little gifts in his post box.
In one message she says she’s trying to butter him up to have her wicked way with him. I feel so sick. I haven’t eaten. I’ve got to see him later and try to act normal but I’m so angry and I’m not good at hiding my emotions.

Slagging you off and talking about marrying each other? No way, and I'd be sending her fiance the messages, too.

No way as in kick him out.

He's a twat for treating you like this but he doesn't think he'll be throwing anything away because he knows he can do what he wants and you'll forgive him.

Why would you bother to act normal? Don't be a doormat for this man to wipe his feet on. He should be able to tell from one look that it's all over.

It seems to me OP as though you’ve got more than enough to confront him. Jokes about getting married and I miss you, coupled with messages being mean about you? I’d be well miffed as well as feeling hurt, betrayed about his embarrassing behavior. I’ve never ever flirted with a colleague, nor have I seen anything like thay go on between other colleagues. It’s a dodgy area and unless there’s a mutual understanding of how they feel about one another they wouldn’t be doing it: makes it all very suspicious. Shame on him for allowing a woman in like this. It does sound like there’s something more going on. Her poor fiancé. I know you’re worried about being on your own and how you’d cope but honestly, if the alternative is your partner being flirty with other women and having affairs…. I’d take my chances alone.

Trigger warning
He’s depressed. I know that much and he’s talked of suicide if we ever break up. So his behaviour is just shocking to me.
when I say being mean, I need to clarify. He’s said he was annoyed about me nagging him and she said something along the lines who would want a wife and he said not me. And another where it’s being implied I’m being compared to a dog.

Sorry, I think that you should cut him loose.

Don’t be manipulated by his talk of suicide OP. That’s his business now. You can’t stay with someone who is betraying and undermining you because they’re threatening suicide. That is called emotional abuse - ie he is emotionally abusing you. It’s control. By all means suggest he seeks therapy and sees his GP for support with his mental health when you tell him you’re over.

Threatening suicide is often a classic tactic used in narcissistic abuse. I’d recommend looking into it and seeing if any of his other behaviour matches up. Cheating is classic. Not all cheaters are narcissists but often goes with the territory.

my exH threatened suicide all the time. I left and he’s still alive as far as I know!

I could put so much other stuff but I feel like it would potentially make it too identifiable. But there is other stuff at play.
I do tend to be overly sensitive but I’m glad of the opinions on here. So thank you. I’m not just some crazy person clutching at straws. Something is/has/will happen I’m sure.

The threat of suicide is classic manipulation tactics. He’s pulling on your heartstrings. He’s doing this so he can continue his crappy behavior. He hopefully is getting proper help if he is depressed. I feel for any soul who’s tormented by depression but it shouldn’t be used as a card to whip out when you don’t want your wife to leave you.

I'm sorry, he compared you to a dog in a conversation with another woman, and you're unsure whether you should leave him? He should already be under the fecking patio.

If you stay on here long enough you'll hear about the script. He's following it to the letter:

Deny
Deny
Deny
Admit a tiny bit
Says it was the other woman's fault - she pursued him
Deny and proclaim love for the OP
At this point the poster usually finds out a bit more from outside sources
Deny
Deny
Admit a bit more
Says it was the other woman's fault - ramps that up
Then starts to blame the OP - if she hadn't been XYZ he wouldn't have been tempted (which sort of contradicts the pursual, but hey ho)
Anger usually kicks in
Threats of suicide
Denial of any harm done at all
More anger
Threatens to not pay child support
Leaves home - usually to stay with his mother
Turns out he's now living with the OW
Turns out his mum knew about it all along
He is still livid with the OP - thinks she spends his pitiful child support money on nail varnish

On the rare occasion he doesn't go straight to the OW, he has found a new girlfriend within three days and her children are calling him Dad.

I have a part time job. We share a house car and all that. Mortgage and everything. He earns the money. How would all of that work?

You’re not crazy.

And he has broken your trust AGAIN

Dont fall for the suicide threats. Either he is suicidal now and should be going to see his GP etc…. But then why having a (emotional/physical?) affair??
Or he isn’t and saying he would be suicidal is just a threat. Not your responsibility. If you know something as a marriage is so important to you, you don’t do the one thing that will blow it apart.

He’s depressed. I know that much and he’s talked of suicide if we ever break up.

He wants you to think he's depressed and suicidal. It keeps your mouth shut.

He's manipulating you, op.