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Original poster

Should I be worried?

58 replies

Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 13:16

Bit of back story …
Married over 10 years, 2DC. Husband had an affair yrs ago. We worked through it, identified the problems and have worked hard to fix them. It was tough but I honestly got over and have felt no need to check his behaviour, nor have I worried about him doing it again.

And then …

He has a work colleague. He kept mentioning her name in conversation which rattled me a bit. This is how the original affair was eventually found out. I get it they work together and have to communicate. I let it go. We then get invited to her wedding. Great she’s getting married, I don’t need to worry.
Then I saw messages on his works phone. I didn’t open them, so only saw her messages and not his responses. Talking about his home life. Confronted him, lots of reassurances and thought he’d be an idiot to do it again. But I’ve had this gut feeling for months. Her name is always there, on social media, at work etc. I’ve done something stupid and snooped. I know I shouldn’t have but I’ve felt so anxious.
They have been messaging for a while and I’m not sure how to take it. I feel hurt, humiliated and lied to. It seems like banter, but flirty banter. Lots of miss yous. A few messages being mean about me. Jokes about marrying each other and putting a smile on each others faces and selfies.
I don’t want to confront as I feel I need concrete proof something has happened. I’m just so lost.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 13:52

I’m sorry but I laughed at this… you described his first time to a tee! Except the mother part as she didn’t know and I stayed there so he couldn’t find me. She’s a good one.

I know how it goes. I’ll struggle to get any ounce of truth. Or at least trickle truth until he realises he’s backed into a corner.

OP posts:
MagicBullet · 21/06/2023 13:54

Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 13:50

I have a part time job. We share a house car and all that. Mortgage and everything. He earns the money. How would all of that work?

You start by looking at

  • how could you work full time?
  • what is available childcare wise if you were working full yime
  • benefits available in the mean time
  • remember he will have to pay CM
  • mortgage etc… it will depends a lot if what sort if agreement you can find. But a lawyer to give you clue as to what you are entitled to, what you should expect re staying in the house etc…might be a good start.
Original poster
Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 13:54

He’s been on tablets for over a year and is under the care of our GP. He tried coming off them but it didn’t work and he was straight back on them. So I know he is really depressed. That’s besides the point though. It’s not an excuse to be an arsehole.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 13:56

Can’t work full time. At uni and I’ve worked bloody hard to get onto the course and I won’t give that up for no man!

OP posts:
MagicBullet · 21/06/2023 13:56

Nope it isn’t.

And being depressed is NOT the same as being suicidal…..
Lots of people are depressed.

HalloweenOnChristmas · 21/06/2023 13:56

For me, that's a fundamental breakdown of trust. Even if he hasn't physically cheated yet, he wants to. He wants her. I would not be able to come back from that.

MagicBullet · 21/06/2023 13:57

Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 13:56

Can’t work full time. At uni and I’ve worked bloody hard to get onto the course and I won’t give that up for no man!

The contact your Uni and see if they have any support they can direct you towards.
From students grants, help with childcare (?) etc….

Original poster
Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 13:59

Never thought of that. I’ll get on it. Thank you x

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 21/06/2023 14:04

OhComeOnFFS · 21/06/2023 13:31

Slagging you off and talking about marrying each other? No way, and I'd be sending her fiance the messages, too.

FUCK YEAH!!!
I'm so sorry OP, what a total shite he is.
You haven't been an idiot, at all.
Thank god you found out now!
It's awful right now, but things will get better.
Good luck with your studies and good for you, sticking with them.
You'll go far without this twat in your life. Flowers

Softoprider · 21/06/2023 14:04

This is the way I see things. He does not care about your feelings. He uses you as 'home'. He does not love you because he is too immersed in himself, but he also does not love this other woman either. He is fully prepared to be unfaithful to you and does not give a damn if her marriage is wrecked in the process because it is all about him.
You have to decide what you are prepared to put up with since he will always have you to lean on with his mental health but he will also always have a diversion with some other woman who really does not have a fucking clue as to what he is really like which is a user.

MsDogLady · 21/06/2023 14:11

He’s done it again, @Zigzaggy1. He’s acting like a single guy with this OW and is addicted to her adoration.

This is absolutely an emotional affair: the mentionitis, flirting, ‘miss yous,’ confiding, slagging you, in-jokes about marrying, lunch dates, gifts, innuendo, and shining you on when you questioned him.

He’s taken his 2nd chance and your restored trust and thrown them back in your face.

Confront him and get him out. Don’t listen to his manipulations. You’re gutted, but giving him another chance would be madness.

solice84 · 21/06/2023 14:16

So is she already married ?

Original poster
Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 14:17

Getting married in a few months… which we’ve been invited to. Strange.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 14:19

You’ve hit the nail on the head.
Im too soft at the best of times. Need to be strong now.
ive been happy and now feel such a fool for even putting myself in the position for it to happen again. Emotional or physical makes no difference. When I confronted him last time and mentioned the name drops, that’s stopped now. You wouldn’t even know she works there. Complete silence. Yet the messages are continuing.

OP posts:
solice84 · 21/06/2023 14:23

Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 14:17

Getting married in a few months… which we’ve been invited to. Strange.

Well I feel sorry for her poor future husband as well as yourself
They're having an emotional affair at the very least

WonkyPicture · 21/06/2023 14:32

16 years ago my husband had a sexual affair, from the moment I found out and confronted him he 100% said that his affair was over and I was the one he wanted to be with. He ended it with her and put everything in to making it up to me. We had couples counselling. They gave him tools to be able to recognise his actions in the future, help in how to stop himself from any further negative behaviour etc etc. The effort he put in was intoxicating. We were great for 16 years but then... yes, he's done it again, this time it was an emotional affair. This one was worse, it was emotional, he'd fallen in love. So 10 weeks ago I ended our marriage.

I realise that all the tools in the world only work if that person actually wants them to work. He recognised his own behaviour, of course he did, he knew his actions would lead to his marriage being over, but he did them anyway as they were exciting and distracting to his bad mental health. He now lives with his OW, I hear he's miserable but he's made his choices. I'm devastated and I struggle through every day, but I'm getting stronger every day too.

WonkyPicture · 21/06/2023 14:35

Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 13:39

Trigger warning
He’s depressed. I know that much and he’s talked of suicide if we ever break up. So his behaviour is just shocking to me.
when I say being mean, I need to clarify. He’s said he was annoyed about me nagging him and she said something along the lines who would want a wife and he said not me. And another where it’s being implied I’m being compared to a dog.

My husband is depressed and I think he may have some undiagnosed condition. He's been deeply in love with me for 24 years, less the 2 affairs. But he is who he is, he can't stop himself being distracted when his MH gets bad. Love simply isn't enough for him, bizarre isn't it.

Original poster
Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 14:38

I’m so sorry to read this. Sending you a virtual hug.
The grass is never greener and I hope he spends the rest of his life miserable and living the consequences of his poor decision.
mine sounds so similar. He put everything in to win me back over. Made a bunch of promises, wanted to renew vows, all sorts. He even changed his job as it was a work related affair. Sexual also.
why don’t our partners realise if they want green grass they have to water their own lawn to make it flourish? Not jump over the fence.
im just hurt. And angry. But I’ll be ok. I always am. Can never keep me down for long x

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 21/06/2023 14:40

Being depressed and being an arsehole aren't mutually exclusive

The threats of suicide are to keep you in your place. How dare you even think of leaving him when you know he'll try and kill himself. If he threatens suicide call the police and tell them he needs a welfare check - he won't do it again.

He's cheated on you once, it might have been 8 years ago, but that doesn't mean it's ok for him to have, at best an emotional affair every 8 years.

The old saying 'fool you once, shame on him, fool you twice, shame on you' he's had his chance back in 2015, if not give him another one.

Eviebeans · 21/06/2023 14:41

Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 13:39

Trigger warning
He’s depressed. I know that much and he’s talked of suicide if we ever break up. So his behaviour is just shocking to me.
when I say being mean, I need to clarify. He’s said he was annoyed about me nagging him and she said something along the lines who would want a wife and he said not me. And another where it’s being implied I’m being compared to a dog.

Don’t be manipulated by his threats into making a choice that isn’t good for you
what he does is his responsibility- not yours

SpringleDingle · 21/06/2023 14:42

He’s having an emotional affair and I’d end the relationship for this.

Speak to a solicitor about what you may be entitled to in a settlement. Honestly it likely means selling the house and a reduced individual income for you both. He will need to pay child support if he has any kids less than 50%. You may get a hit over half of assets as your earning power is less and if you have kids and they will live primarily with you that may bump your share up a little but you will likely need to work full time. It’s shit but better then being with a dick who has no respect for you.

He won’t kill himself, that’s just to keep you in line. However even if he did HE caused all this mess by cheating and not you by reacting to his cheating!

Ihaveated · 21/06/2023 14:53

Just wanted to share my experience with you in the hope it helps you see that there is a happy ending for you.

My exH did similar- workplace affair, forgave him etc. New job, big holiday, said he loved me etc. A year later he did it again! New workplace, new affair! I kicked him out and began to built a new life. I was working but it was a struggle. Then I got a great job. Bought him out the house. Met someone else. Now happily married to my second husband. Kids are really happy. Wish I'd called time much earlier.

Being at uni is tough but actually you may find you get lots more support. When I was at uni I got 90% of my childcare fees paid plus a good bursary/loan (I was doing a healthcare course). Once qualified I worked my shifts around the kids.

My advice- kick him out. Get legal advice re the house. Keep your head down at uni and make the absolute best life for you and the kids. It'll be tough at times but most of the time you will be amazed and how much better life is and how much relief you get from not having to worry about him cheating/trying to hold the family together/worrying he will throw it all away.

Wishing you so much happiness for the future.

Original poster
Zigzaggy1 · 21/06/2023 15:03

I’m meeting a good friend for coffee in the morning. To cry scream etc. so for today, I’m going to hold it together and pretend everything is ok.
my grandma told me to never react straightaway and especially not when angry. So tonight it’s happy faces 🤣

and thank you, I like a good happy outcome. Just struggle to see that for myself. My student finance is based off his income and all sorts. I’m also doing a healthcare degree, think 5 year course 😫

OP posts:
Ihaveated · 21/06/2023 15:15

Once you split it won't be based on him anymore. Have a look at the calculator and see what you could be entitled too.

It's good to wait and take stock before you make your move.

TheCrocodileBird · 21/06/2023 15:24

Don't choose to forgive him again in the hope of an easier life, he will respect you even less. You can do a lot better than this loser.