I ruined my marriage with a best husband, help

[Donutsandtears]

I am feeling utterly sad and helpless. I married the man of my dreams and we have been together now for 12 years, 10 years married. We had the absolutely best relationship - much to his credit in helping us establish secure communication as I dealt with a lot of abandonment issues in the past and it was hard for me. We were happy. Very happy. All was missing was a baby. No matter how much we tried I just wasn’t getting pregnant.

Then, since about 6 years ago I started having anxiety and depression after the death of my father, I developed bad OCD about germs (I was raped in my teen ages and it stemmed from there), and then terrible health anxiety along with the struggles with conceiving. Then pandemic hit and it has taken a toll on my already fragile mental health. We got pregnant after 2 years of ivf and I had a difficult pregnancy with concerns over baby and my anxiety got even worse.

my husband was there for all of it for me patiently. He was giving me his all when I was completely lost to depression and anxiety for so many years. I was never rude to him directly but I offended him often by comments of washing his hands etc.

Our long awaited baby was born and I was happiest I have ever been. Then, I started having problems with my health with a suspected cancer (but was cleared after a few long months of investigations) and postnatal anxiety. I was worried about everything about baby. About not holding him correctly, about him having a fever etc. We fought many times as I always thought we need to see a doctor and my husband would say that the baby is absolutely fine.

From about when my baby was 6 weeks I realised he was different from other babies in our antenatal group. I did not know what was wrong but I always had a gnawing feeling that something was amiss. He was late to hold his head and had strange movements. I went into a Google rabbit hole and diagnosed him with pretty much everything. I was wrong about the diagnoses I picked but I could still see that things are not right with the baby. By this point my husbands patients and resources to support me ran out….

I had counselling, medication but nothing is helping. Our sweet baby is 9 months old now and I can see he is not developing as he should and has autistics traits. He is late in his gross motor skills, has problems
with eye contact and babbling and doing a lot of arm flapping and odd repetitive movements, not smiling much and hard to engage in games. He constantly grunts and winged saying ‘mmmmmmmm’ or ‘uuuugh’.

i know I am the boy who cried the wolf too many times but I just can see that he has a developmental issue - he only just started crawling army style and still needs support sitting up. A couple of other friends commented on it too so I know it’s not entirely in my head.

My husband hasn’t been to the baby meet ups and it’s a first child for both of us and he completely denies any of my worries.

it got to a point that our marriage is breaking down. My husband wants me to stop worrying about the baby and just be a happy normal family. He can no longer tolerate discussions about my concerns. I want to stop worrying to but I just know that something is off… and I feel so lonely in this as well as scared of having a child with complex special needs. I hope I won’t offend anyone by saying that, I hate myself for not being strong and struggling so much. I know that my husbands love is gone but I love him (although selflishly at this point) and I want to save our relationship but I don’t think I have the strength in me as I am completely devastated over what the future for my baby could hold.

what would you do? I don’t know where to turn for help…

The way you are able to get some distance and describe what is happening shows you do have the wisdom and strength to deal with your anxiety, with the help that you are seeking out. It’s hard work but honestly it’s less hard work than letting the obsessive thoughts run your life. And it gets easier with practice. You deserve to be able to relax and enjoy your life and family. All the best with finding the help and strategies you need to get out of your head and back into rewarding relationships.

I hate myself for that… and I wish I was a strong person or learn how to be one just a bit.
You're not well OP: you can't learn to be well and it's pointless kicking yourself for not being well. It's just another manifestation of your anxiety.

OP - my second child is autistic.

He could crawl at six months and walked at nine months.

He got a university degree and works full time.

My fourth child is also autistic. He could crawl at eight months and walked at eleven months.

He has PDA as well as autism and although he is now an adult he is unable to work.

I have two daughters as well. The oldest one is probably autistic but has not been assessed (her choice). She works and is in a relationship.
The other one seems to be NT.

The thing is - autism is such a huge spectrum. You are catastrophising it, as though it always means a massive disability. It doesn't. And in any case, your little boy is far too young to be assessed definitively.

I found out a couple of years ago that I am also autistic. This was a surprise to me at first, but it has helped me to understand how my life challenged me at times. However, I had a long, good career as a midwife and nurse, and am happily married.

Autism is not a death sentence. If your child is autistic, so what, really? It is not the end of the world.

And one other thing, OP.

If your little boy is autistic, it is possible that you are, too, because autism is genetic. Autistic people do often suffer from a lot of anxiety (I did, at times) and we are very, very good at catastrophising.

It may be worth getting an autism assessment for yourself. Just a thought.

@Donutsandtears

I agree with others that you need MH help and counseling. But I also think that it would be very helpful if your DH would consent to see a counselor also, on his own. I think if he could seek help in generally understanding depression, anxiety, and extreme health anxiety. And perhaps learn tools to help as well as tools for himself to help him cope as you heal.

I don't think joint counseling would benefit either of you right now. Perhaps later, when both of you are stronger and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The baby’s doctor said he is in the grey area, I think you said? I would go to the baby’s doctor for each of your concerns, write them down as you have here, about the baby and trust what the dr says. Take baby to a second dr if you must but trust their professional opinions and rest in the peace that professionals have assessed your baby.

Anxiety is a horrible thing. It’s tough on both you and your husband. I’ve been an anxious worrier and my mother said something to me years ago about a very serious situation, ‘If it is, then we will deal with it.’ It somehow gave me comfort and still does.

"Crying wolf" - who said that? Is that your words or his? "ruined your marriage" ditto.

Your baby is only 9 months old, 9 months in no time at all in a marriage or after a birth. If your husband can't help you through this postnatal period where you have clearly developed a postnatal mental health disorder (which is very common) and have some concerns about the baby (which may or may not turn out to be real issues but it's your job as Mum to have them), it's quite rubbish of him to not be supportive.

Yes it is exhausting to live with someone with anxiety for years upon year but it's not been that long in this case and treatment is being sought which in the NHS takes time and doesn't work instantaneously. Having a baby can be a very tough time for a woman and is hard on couples too. Your husband sounds a bit dismissive, selfish, and premature to me.

I agree with the PPs who have gone into detail about postnatal anxiety and OCD and getting yourself the proper support though, and less with the negative self-talk such as "crying wolf" and "ruined my marriage" in the meantime.

Agree also that both you and your baby might be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, but could well not be also. First things first.

Wanted to add, Op, anxiety is like battling with your own mind. When I was anxious with my baby, I would try to think instead about the joy and fun activities and bonding I and my baby could be missing out on because my mind was given over to an all consuming anxiety about so many things and often laser focused on one thing, then the next etc. That would jolt me into a healthier more accurate reality and I could gradually begin living in the present and enjoy.

^this is an excellent point.

Autism in women very often manifests as anxiety and it's hard to stop thoughts spiralling.

I didn't get diagnosed until my DC were diagnosed. And then it made a whole lifetime of struggling suddenly more obvious!

Also, in the kindest possible way - none of us thought "great, a child with complex and challenging needs - that will be easy, no problem!" But you step up because it's your child, you love them, and it's instinctive.

When you're a parent, your child could encounter all sorts of problems during their lifetime which affects their development and wellbeing and means they need more support - eg/illnesses, accidents etc. If the worst happens, you step up - because that's what's needed.

I'm sure lots of us who have DC with complex/profound/significant disabilities never imagined we'd have this life. But here we are.

You're catastrophising and thinking the very worst. Only a small number of autistic people fall into this category. Even IF your DC is actually autistic, there's only a very small chance that their disability will be severe. The fact that your DS is only in a "grey area" in terms of his development suggests that it's unlikely to be a profound disability.

Try and keep things in perspective. SEN parenting isn't the end of the world. And being an autistic person isn't the end of the world either. I happen to think I'm pretty cool 😅

You need to get help because it doesn't stop. My friend's mum was like this, diagnosing every two seconds. You'll make your child have an anxious life thinking that every little thing needs a big reaction.

My friend's mum is still diagnosing herself and others now and is severely anxious. My friend doesn't let her DC around her mum much as she kept diagnosing her GCs and creating panic and doubt in my friend.

My friend's mum has no healthcare experience.

I agree that some aspects of this thread are "reassurance seeking" (unfortunately tends to feed a cycle of anxiety) and I'm glad you recognise that OP.

Just to say that if you try CBT and it doesn't work for you, don't give up. You have trauma in your past and sometimes that means CBT is less effective, because it's not just illogical thoughts - at it's root the terror may be coming from unprocessed traumatic memories, but is then morphing into health anxiety. CBT can be good, but if it doesn't work for you, look into trauma-focused therapies.

Go to couples counselling together.

You're likely right about baby having additional needs- lucky him or her having a mum that will help support him to get early intervention.

Your husband will be on his own path to accepting that and it might be kind to allow him to be in denial as long as it doesn't harm your baby's progress xx

In the nicest way possible I think you're expecting too much of your 9 month old

The signs of autism you're focusing on can just be totally normal things that a lot of babies do

I agree with this.
All the things you're worrying about seem to be normal in nine month old babies.

@Donutsandtears - as PPs have said, please act fast to address your extreme anxiety. CBT will help and, given how long you have been wrestling with anxiety, it may also be worth taking medication, at least initially, to kick start healthier thinking.

You have got way too much in your head about this. Nothing you’ve referred to sounds unusual. And anyway, my younger daughter is autistic and I know a number of autistic children and adults. They’re great people living full lives. The world is becoming better adapted to neuro-diversity at great speed.

Your anxiety is ruining your enjoyment of motherhood, it’s ruining your husband’s enjoyment of fatherhood and it will start casting a shadow over your child. It’s too big for you to handle alone. You wouldn’t leave a broken leg untreated would you? You’d get the help you need to fix it. You must do the same here. Get the help you need to fix your mental health issues.

My daughter did the twirling wrists and feet… grew out of it as soon as she could walk. Please don’t get fixated on this, with her (and another child in the not-immediate family) it was just a thing they did. Perhaps getting rid of excess energy due to taking a little longer to get moving, whether it be crawling or walking?

Op I had postnatal anxiety after a childhood of trauma and a son that was diagnosed with global development delay at 2.5. He waa diagnosed with this because he had lots of development stuff that was in Grey area and wasn't speaking. He is now 8.

His early years up until then, he was around my extreme anxiety, intense energy and my dysregulated emotions. Like you, I 'knew' something wasn't right and then his speech delay and what I thought were stimming confirmed my gut feeling and I would spiral badly.

he got intensive occupational therapy and speech therapy and does not qualify for any devlopmental diagnosis now.

what I now know though is that his development was delayed because he was being cared for in a way that was extremely stressful, his little developing brain had to use the resources needed to develop on surviving because his caregiver was giving the message that it was an unsafe world. I could not regulate my emotions and therefore co-regulation wasn't happening and he could not self-soothe so he did activities like flapping, spinning etc to self regulate - these were all seen as 'proof' of autism by me.

this is not made to make you feel bad and I'm sorry if it is, I really recognise myself in your comments.

whether your son has a profound disability, a benign delay or anxiety what he needs is caregivers who can regulate and who he feels safe with. There will be professionals who can help with anything else. Babies need to feel safe to develop, it's their number 1 developmental need.

im so sorry you're having a tough time, I felt so lonely and guilty - please forgive yourself, help yourself. Your recovery and ability to feel safe and calm will be what helps your son the most, best of luck

That is an incredibly insightful and brave post. You’re amazing.

Thanks @Cubsandmiel

i dont think I made it clear in my post - my son does not qualify for any diagnosis now because he is developmentally like his peers and caught up but it took work.

I truly believe that the most valuable thing a baby can have is a caregiver who they feel safe and can regulate with - I know it's not as easy as that and for lots of people life events mean that there will always be an element of seeing the world as a place that they can be hurt in so they are always on guard and looking for threats.

OP I hope your GP is good and you find some peace.

I really recommend a book called 'what mothers do...when it looks like they're not doing anything'

This might sound harsh, but if you really love your child and your husband, you need to get urgent help for your anxiety, obsessions and intrusive thoughts. I mean immediately. Write down all the things that whirl around in your head about the baby, show them to your doctor, tell your doctor how often (ie, how much of the day) you spend on catastrophising. Be honest and don't downplay it. If you don't get help you will ruin what's left of your marriage, and you will pass on to your child all your fears and anxieties. This isn't about being a strong person or not, you are in the grip of a mental health issue which needs to be addressed first.
I won't go into whether your baby has problems or not, they are probably fine. And even if they're not - your obsessive behaviour will not help the baby, quite the opposite.
You have had some awful experiences in your life and it would be strange if they did not have some effect on how you relate and how you parent. But how things go forward is up to you. Please get help asap.