I ruined my marriage with a best husband, help

[Donutsandtears]

I am feeling utterly sad and helpless. I married the man of my dreams and we have been together now for 12 years, 10 years married. We had the absolutely best relationship - much to his credit in helping us establish secure communication as I dealt with a lot of abandonment issues in the past and it was hard for me. We were happy. Very happy. All was missing was a baby. No matter how much we tried I just wasn’t getting pregnant.

Then, since about 6 years ago I started having anxiety and depression after the death of my father, I developed bad OCD about germs (I was raped in my teen ages and it stemmed from there), and then terrible health anxiety along with the struggles with conceiving. Then pandemic hit and it has taken a toll on my already fragile mental health. We got pregnant after 2 years of ivf and I had a difficult pregnancy with concerns over baby and my anxiety got even worse.

my husband was there for all of it for me patiently. He was giving me his all when I was completely lost to depression and anxiety for so many years. I was never rude to him directly but I offended him often by comments of washing his hands etc.

Our long awaited baby was born and I was happiest I have ever been. Then, I started having problems with my health with a suspected cancer (but was cleared after a few long months of investigations) and postnatal anxiety. I was worried about everything about baby. About not holding him correctly, about him having a fever etc. We fought many times as I always thought we need to see a doctor and my husband would say that the baby is absolutely fine.

From about when my baby was 6 weeks I realised he was different from other babies in our antenatal group. I did not know what was wrong but I always had a gnawing feeling that something was amiss. He was late to hold his head and had strange movements. I went into a Google rabbit hole and diagnosed him with pretty much everything. I was wrong about the diagnoses I picked but I could still see that things are not right with the baby. By this point my husbands patients and resources to support me ran out….

I had counselling, medication but nothing is helping. Our sweet baby is 9 months old now and I can see he is not developing as he should and has autistics traits. He is late in his gross motor skills, has problems
with eye contact and babbling and doing a lot of arm flapping and odd repetitive movements, not smiling much and hard to engage in games. He constantly grunts and winged saying ‘mmmmmmmm’ or ‘uuuugh’.

i know I am the boy who cried the wolf too many times but I just can see that he has a developmental issue - he only just started crawling army style and still needs support sitting up. A couple of other friends commented on it too so I know it’s not entirely in my head.

My husband hasn’t been to the baby meet ups and it’s a first child for both of us and he completely denies any of my worries.

it got to a point that our marriage is breaking down. My husband wants me to stop worrying about the baby and just be a happy normal family. He can no longer tolerate discussions about my concerns. I want to stop worrying to but I just know that something is off… and I feel so lonely in this as well as scared of having a child with complex special needs. I hope I won’t offend anyone by saying that, I hate myself for not being strong and struggling so much. I know that my husbands love is gone but I love him (although selflishly at this point) and I want to save our relationship but I don’t think I have the strength in me as I am completely devastated over what the future for my baby could hold.

what would you do? I don’t know where to turn for help…

I think you need to address your anxiety and obsessive thoughts first. CBT can be really effective. I don’t want to be dismissive but from your husband’s point of view it’s probably beyond frustrating to have to have the same ruminating conversation over and over. And suppose your child DOES have some sort of issue? Then what might happen? Seriously, answer that particular question; what might happen?

Sorry to hear you are struggling OP, it sounds like you're trying to be proactive in getting support which is great, it's a shame it's not working- it's worth going back to the GP although sadly there's no magical cure.

I say this gently and recognising it's not really your fault, but it does sound exhausting for him too. Your baby is only 9 months, development does vary a lot at that age and I can see how doom spiralling when a) there's nothing to indicate he is ND and b) it absolutely isn't the end of the world anyway is hard to deal with. It's probably upsetting for him to see you struggle too, although appreciate this isn't all about him.

If you have genuine concerns speak to the HV, and please speak to the GP to see if anything else is available to you.

Trying to say this gently, but you have not recovered from your postnatal anxiety. Everything you have described is someone in the grip of mental health problems and you really, really need help. I'm sure you have not ruined your marriage but you very much need help.
Until your child is a year old, you should be fast tracked for mental health support - I would talk to your health visitor or GP as soon as you can.
I say this because I was where you are - I was certain my small baby had various diseases, developmental issues, autism etc and it was all a manifestation of my mental health. My child is developmentally normal.

Also, what you are describing sounds like a lot of the 9 month old babies I have met.

There is a 10 month check developmental check, share your concerns with the HV and a doctor. Try not to meet trouble halfway. I had a baby that didn’t make eye contact, didn’t talk until they were 3 (severe speech disorder). Completely typical 4 year old now. It can change very quickly. My other baby didn’t move properly and was suspected cerebral palsy. Is now a completely typical 3 year old.

you and your DH need to have couples counselling. Having a 9 month old is hard enough on a relationship, let alone after all the trauma you have been through. Even if the relationship cannot be saved you need to find a way to communicate and be ok.

I would suggest you need to be in reasonably intensive psychotherapy, if you can afford it. You need the support. Having a child is the perfect place for anxieties to take hold.

I agree OP that you need to get proper help for yourself. You know how on an aircraft they always tell you to put your own lifebelt/oxygen mask on first, before trying to help anyone else? That's what you need to do now. Look after your child by looking after yourself.

I agree with the above.

You need to speak to someone about your anxiety around this.

My son didn't speak until he was 2 - just occasional sounds. He's just graduated from university with a degree in English and has a career where he speaks to people all day long!

My daughter was premature and we were led to believe she'd be lucky to go to mainstream school. But then she started putting 3 words together before she turned one. Yet by 6 she had hearing aids because she had mild/moderate deafness at some frequencies! She's now doing her A levels.

There is such a range of 'normal' development. You're not exactly the same in your abilities as every other woman your age are you? So why would you child be? Maybe there is something amiss but worrying and armchair diagnosing by 9 months isn't going to help.

Speak to your HV.

There are two issues here. Firstly you need to prioritise yourself, especially your mental Heath and wellbeing.

Secondly, it is often difficult to tell under the age of 1 if a child is developmentally delayed, but that doesn’t always mean your gut instinct is wrong. I had the exact same feeling with my second son, from the early days something was telling me he was autistic. And I was dismissed constantly by my partner which made me feel even worse, like I was being horribly negative about my boy who I love so dearly. This went on for 2 and a half years until I had an amazing HV who actually listened and pushed for all the referrals and support going. I finally felt like I wasn’t going crazy or being undermined for what I knew was true.

OP, it really sounds like you're still struggling with pnd. Your babies development at 9 months won't be exactly the same as others around you, and yes not meeting certain milestones at certain times CAN be an indicator of something, but it can also and most likely be your baby developing at their own pace. Try to stay away from Google, as you will be searching for things that validate and then heighten your concerns. At the end of the day, if your baby does have any sort of learning difficulties or is in the autistic spectrum, worrying about it and looking into it will not make any difference now, as these things rarely get assessed and looked into before the age of 4 anyway. Just try to enjoy your baby for what he is, and things will probably end up turning out okay anyway. I don't think his development sounds delayed at all, it may just be that the other babies you spend time with have been wicker meeting those milestones, which is certainly not an indicator for intelligence or intellectual abilities.

OP I hate to say this, because I feel like I've been where you are, but the things you are convinced you know now, you can't actually know.

I knew I was having a miscarriage. I wasn't.
I knew my baby was going to die as he was born prem (34 weeks). He didn't.
I knew there would be lasting damage from being so prem and having breathing difficulties. There isn't.
I knew something was very, very wrong with him when he didn't meet his development milestones. There wasn't.

This list goes on and on. The things I knew, I had convinced myself were true but they weren't. There of course were things I knew which turned out to be true, and because that happened with one or two things, I became convinced that I knew more than I did.

I suffered from postnatal anxiety which I only sought help for in 2020 by which time my son was 3.

OP, you are clearly self aware enough to realise that you "crying wolf" means you are not being listened to now. I would ask you this... if your baby really does have some challenges, what do you think will happen at 9 months? The reality is that it is simply too early. absolutely - flag any concerns to a health visitor at routine checks and continue to monitor - but a child with significant delays is not necessarily a child who will then be unable to function longer term. It may be that your child has additional needs. it may be that he's just a bit slow to develop in certain ways. But right now, there is little to nothing that can be done so it's far more important to focus on the positive - playing with your baby, enjoying time together etc.

Eye contact is, in my opinion, massively over rated as a developmental milestone. Crawling at 9 months is about average - lots of babies don't crawl until way later. "babbling" has always seemed to me to be one of those terribly vague statements. If he needs support sitting up - more tummy time is the answer to build up his core muscles. Make sitting up a game or put him on cushions etc and let him try and fall.

In the meantime, you need to continue to do the work to deal with your own anxiety. It's hard and it's not something that is fixed overnight. But anxiety can lead to very controlling and manipulative behaviour which, frankly, is abusive, and you need to get on top of this.

Thanks everyone for responding, I appreciate everyone’s input and grateful that mumsnet exists!

Just wanted to add that my baby has been assessed by HV and he is in the ‘grey zone’ for his communication and gross development skills. This in part makes me worried. And his movements are more like twirling wrists / feet which I am worried could be autistic stimming.

I’ve just had a long call with HV as well and reached out to my GP to review my mental health.

@OhBling I asked for an early development assessment for my 18 month old as I was concerned and he’s been referred to paeds and speech therapy. So yes in 9 months things can be done if you’re still concerned. No one is dismissed as much as a parent who suspects autism, it’s there from birth just because most people can’t see it until 2.

The thing to remember is that if he's developmentally delayed, it's not a death sentence and the variety of reasons and long-term impacts for a child with developmental delays is HUGE. DS was definitely delayed in speech and language and gross and fine motor skills. These things have impacted him long term, but he's currently playing in multiple sports teams (including being promoted up a team in his preferred sport) and is doing okay at school (mostly).

9 months is way too early to be panicking about any sort of delay. Now is the time to focus on the fundementals - weaning, sitting, crawling etc - and just pay attention.

18 months is literally DOUBLE the age that OP's child is. There's a huge difference between a 9 month old and an 18 month old.

Such great advice.

So IF your child has Autism there’s no magic cure to change him to be normal.

My son is now 5 and is under assessment. I love him just the same as my other kids. Why stress yourself out with the what ifs. He is who he is. Perfect in every way. A baby doesn’t need to be labelled the only reason to do so is to help them through life and education. Right now he needs his Mummy and Daddy to be happy.

You are ruining your life and marriage. So what if he has autism, there is nothing you can do about it, just adjust how you interact with him. The diagnosis is only necessary for school so just enjoy your child and husband.

he only just started crawling army style and still needs support sitting up.

Perfectly normal then !

At 9 months, my son couldn't sit up unsupported, couldn't crawl at all. He was very "late" to crawl, walk, didn't talk to over 2. He's a Dr now; and also very athletic and articulate.

Listen to your husband.

Even if you are right about his developmental delay or autism, what good is your hyper focus on it doing?

What would you do differently with him while he is so little?

You may be right, you may not but for now all you can do is keep a watching brief and mention it at assessments.

You need counselling to deal with your issues.

At this stage you'd better to focus on improving your own mental health because there's absolutely nothing you can do even if your baby is autistic. Get yourself to a place you can support him if and when the time comes. What you are doing now is self destructive, even if your reasons for concern are valid.

I second listening to your husband and getting some help for yourself.

If you continue down this road you risk damaging your marriage and also negativity impacting your child with your anxiety. You do really need to get hold of it before it gets hold of you.

With regards to your baby being in the grey area - well autism is a spectrum so maybe they will have some traits, maybe they won’t. It’s too early but keep talking to your HV and doing all the tummy time etc.

One of my DDs never crawled, bum shuffled, didn’t walk till almost 2, had and still has poor fine Motor skills. She hasn’t had a diagnosis but I would say is in that grey area - she has a very full and (I hate this word) normal life. Try not to stress too much

"I’ve just had a long call with HV as well and reached out to my GP to review my mental health".

Good. Being completely honest with these people will help you.

Have you ever talked to anyone about you being raped as a teen?. If you have not to date I would suggest you start to do so by contacting Rape Crisis no matter how long ago this happened as they could help you as well. The rape was not your fault in any way; that is all on the perpetrater.

Apparently I didnt speak until I was 3, Cant shut me up now! Have A levels and GCSEs ,A good job in Insurance .Maybe see if he gets to One ,or so and see what you feel then? Children can vary enormously in their development ,its such a wide spectrum

omg this could almost have been me. Please please don’t end up like me. I had severe health anxiety (mostly about me) for years, but again had similar concerns when the kids came along, particularly about autism - which again did get supported when one started primary.
Now ex DH supported me as best he could - until he no longer could. It’s far from the only reason our marriage ended, but I know it was a definite factor. He was told by a counsellor in the end that by trying to assuage my fears, he was actually feeding the anxiety.

How it turned out for me:

1. DS1 whom I suspected had autism is now Yr10 almost top of year academically, rugby As, handsome, popular. Yes reserved, yes not great with expressing emotions. But so far removed from the challenging toddler he was.
2. 20mg citalopram daily transformed my life during the worst of times. Nothing else had worked on the anxiety - not other drugs, therapies. My health anxiety is so far from what it was, it’s unbelievable
3. And yes, I’m divorced. Which is something I’ll never get over. I loved and still love my husband three years later. Part of me will never forgive myself for not getting to the bottom of my anxiety sooner. Although like I said, he also had his own issues.

please, I beg you - get some help. You can and will get there, but not without action. And remember, just because you believe something, doesn’t mean it’s true. I wish you all the luck and every happiness

What you are doing has a name - catastrophising. You take a small incident or situation and immediately turn to the worst case scenario, which then becomes fact in your mind. Its very very common and CBT can be really good at breaking the cycle.
I used to be terrible for it, regarding a chronic health condition. If I woke up feeling unwell, that was it. I was never going to get better, it was this for the rest of my life, I'd faily my degree, never get a job etc. I was certain of all of those things. None of them ended up true. I had CBT and was taught some brain exercises to fall back on my caught in the cycle. It has really helped. Now sometimes my DH will say "hey you're catastrophising" and it catches me - but I'm also able to see it in myself fairly often.

The best thing to ask yourself is "whay can I do about it now?" The answer is usually very little. If your little one is stimming, there's nothing you can do about that. They might have severe autism, be mildly ND or absolutely NT and just like flexing their new found muscles and arms. You can't know for now - there's no test etc - so whay are you achieving by worrying about it? All you can do is love your baby for what they are NOW.

Hi OP,
I’m sorry you’ve had so much stress. I also think your child’s development is probably normal, as there is always some variability.

However I would suggest not repeating the same concerns excessively to your husband as that seems both unhelpful and potentially irritating.

I don’t imagine your marriage is ruined. Hope you feel calmer soon.