I ruined my marriage with a best husband, help

[Donutsandtears]

I am feeling utterly sad and helpless. I married the man of my dreams and we have been together now for 12 years, 10 years married. We had the absolutely best relationship - much to his credit in helping us establish secure communication as I dealt with a lot of abandonment issues in the past and it was hard for me. We were happy. Very happy. All was missing was a baby. No matter how much we tried I just wasn’t getting pregnant.

Then, since about 6 years ago I started having anxiety and depression after the death of my father, I developed bad OCD about germs (I was raped in my teen ages and it stemmed from there), and then terrible health anxiety along with the struggles with conceiving. Then pandemic hit and it has taken a toll on my already fragile mental health. We got pregnant after 2 years of ivf and I had a difficult pregnancy with concerns over baby and my anxiety got even worse.

my husband was there for all of it for me patiently. He was giving me his all when I was completely lost to depression and anxiety for so many years. I was never rude to him directly but I offended him often by comments of washing his hands etc.

Our long awaited baby was born and I was happiest I have ever been. Then, I started having problems with my health with a suspected cancer (but was cleared after a few long months of investigations) and postnatal anxiety. I was worried about everything about baby. About not holding him correctly, about him having a fever etc. We fought many times as I always thought we need to see a doctor and my husband would say that the baby is absolutely fine.

From about when my baby was 6 weeks I realised he was different from other babies in our antenatal group. I did not know what was wrong but I always had a gnawing feeling that something was amiss. He was late to hold his head and had strange movements. I went into a Google rabbit hole and diagnosed him with pretty much everything. I was wrong about the diagnoses I picked but I could still see that things are not right with the baby. By this point my husbands patients and resources to support me ran out….

I had counselling, medication but nothing is helping. Our sweet baby is 9 months old now and I can see he is not developing as he should and has autistics traits. He is late in his gross motor skills, has problems
with eye contact and babbling and doing a lot of arm flapping and odd repetitive movements, not smiling much and hard to engage in games. He constantly grunts and winged saying ‘mmmmmmmm’ or ‘uuuugh’.

i know I am the boy who cried the wolf too many times but I just can see that he has a developmental issue - he only just started crawling army style and still needs support sitting up. A couple of other friends commented on it too so I know it’s not entirely in my head.

My husband hasn’t been to the baby meet ups and it’s a first child for both of us and he completely denies any of my worries.

it got to a point that our marriage is breaking down. My husband wants me to stop worrying about the baby and just be a happy normal family. He can no longer tolerate discussions about my concerns. I want to stop worrying to but I just know that something is off… and I feel so lonely in this as well as scared of having a child with complex special needs. I hope I won’t offend anyone by saying that, I hate myself for not being strong and struggling so much. I know that my husbands love is gone but I love him (although selflishly at this point) and I want to save our relationship but I don’t think I have the strength in me as I am completely devastated over what the future for my baby could hold.

what would you do? I don’t know where to turn for help…

It’s his odd twirling of hands and feet all the time, squealing and rubbing his head and his communication delays - couple of my friends who have children said they found it strange and that their kids never did it. Then I admit I googled and again came to a conclusion that if this is what they call ‘stimming’ and he is showing symptoms already it means that he would be severely affected.

This sounds exhausting. For everybody. I think you know you need to reach out for proper, professional help OP. Yes for your husband, yes for your marriage, yes for yourself but mainly for your child. Your baby gets 1 childhood and your anxiety will either rub off onto them or they’ll end up full of resentment and anger

FWIW - your baby sounds normal. But honestly, I think you could have a professional check your child every day and I still don’t think you’d be satisfied or convinced.
no two babies on this earth are the same, it is not a one size fits all, how on earth have we got to the point where we are mentally diagnosing a BABY as having autism?

Not necessarily. My eldest did a few things that suggested ASD, major speech delay (didn’t say a word until 2), crawled strangely, had absent moments, didn’t wave, point, make much eye contact, hand stimming. He’s now fully verbal and has understanding (he’s got social and emotional delays with difficulty making substantial communication, but you’d not notice quickly if you met him). If your child has ASD then eventually you’ll see exactly what delays come with it and how much support he will need. But it can’t be predicted.

The saddest part for me is that you think that you are horrified by the idea of your child being autistic.

Do you know any autistic adults? Do you know any autistic children?

It's such a vast array of characteristics, and no two people have the same combination to the same extent, at the same time.

If your child is autistic, you will deal with it. You will find so much that is somewhere between ok, to good, to amazing.

I am relieved I didn't know the signs when my son was this age, as I know I would've been so worried. Unlike the others, I think from what you say, this may be something that is eventually diagnosed, but from what you're saying your absolutely cannot say her will be non verbal, or anything else.

My son didn't walk until 18 months. Never crawled. Can't remember when he started talking but it was late. Couldn't read when he went to school.

He is the most articulate young adult I've ever met. He is extremely bright, and at 9 had a reading age off the charts. So do I wish he didn't have to deal with some of the things he does? Of course. I would say, though, in our case, there's nothing wrong with him when he's in familiar territory, but finds the world hard work and sometimes inexplicable. Yes, you have to mourn some expectations, and what YOU want for a child of yours. But that's your issue, not theirs. When it gets hard it's sometimes helpful to look at the person. Because you will see a whole person, not a set of atypical character traits. If it gets too tough, it's usually because I'm trying to make something work to my preconceived idea about something. If I really listen, really observe, I usually see that there is a way through that day's problem, if only because, with time, most things change/pass.

Please do get the help, get different medicine. Just because one isn't right, doesn't mean another won't be. There is one that's relatively unusual that is amazing - I've seen it used for OCD, and meanwhile the catastrophising and deep anxiety really lifted. I think it was clomipramine? The only time I heard of someone having something that wasn't an SSRI.

Anyway, therapy, medicine, reframing your fright, will all help. Remember, when you're walking through the reality of your life one day at a time, it is never awful every day. I've definitely had some of my darkest days over this very thing, but have dealt with far more difficult issues.

Whether your son is autistic or not, it will gradually become your new normal, and what worries me is that as your concerns are replaced with love, and skills, and just plain knowledge, something ELSE will take its place in running your mental health, and ruining your life. It doesn't sound as if having an autistic child would ruin your life, so much as the fear of the unknown.

Good luck.

I referred my son at 18 months and he was diagnosed as high functioning autistic at age 8

You know what, he is absolutely amazing. Have we had difficulties along the way - yes but he is an incredible boy and amazes me every day

9 months is far too early to worry so I would put it to the back of your mind for now and enjoy your son. If he is diagnosed there is nothing you can do about it apart from roll with the punches and make him the best he can be.

OP, I suspect that your Google research is suffering from "confirmation bias", i.e. "the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one's prior beliefs or values". Otherwise you'd have found and considered sites such as this one I found instantly: https://earlyimpactlearning.com/baby-stimming-at-nine-months-explained/

Experienced medical staff aren't able to diagnose autism in babies that young, so yes: he may or may not be autistic. If he does have such a severe condition, it will be diagnosed. You constantly worrying yourself sick about it can only have a negative effect. Your worrying will not be helpful or useful in any way at all, and you know the negative effects it is having. Make sure you get help ASAP.

My DP has OCD also. By posting on Mumsnet are you seeking reassurance? If you are, it’s similar to the Google rabbit hole and seeking reassurance from your DH, friends and doctors. It’s not good for you and will just reinforce the need to get more reassurance from another source. Your DH is doing the loving thing by not engaging further, even though I know it probably feels horrible. The reality is you won’t get a definite answer now so it will just make you feel better briefly before it makes you feel much worse.

It’s great that you’ve gone to your GP. The type of therapy can be instrumental in how well it works, if you tried something more general like CBT maybe seek therapy geared towards OCD like MCT and ERP. Do this privately if you need to. As long as you’re engaging with treatment, you’re doing your best by your DH and son.

I could have written this. I KNEW my baby was going to be abnormal and developmentally delayed because I was 40 when she was born and because I'd been exposed (briefly) to solvents when pregnant. I'd also had a stomach upset so obviously I KNEW that was toxoplasmosis and she'd be affected mentally.

When she was your baby's age, she did the wrist twirly thing and flapped her arms up and down when she got annoyed so obviously I knew she was autistic. She smiled but didn't wave or clap her hands like other babies her age did. She certainly didn't hold pretend conversations!

She's now 18 months and (even allowing for bias) is one of the smartest little cookies I've ever seen. I completely and totally get your anxiety. My brother is autistic and I know how difficult it is for neurodiverse people in this world. But you've had so many people on here telling you that every baby's development is different-please listen. Even if he's autistic-which is by no means a given-you will love him so much your heart will hurt. There's so much supportive therapy that can be given to help children adapt and integrate. But what's really important is that he has a stable home where mummy and daddy love each other and him. It's great your GP is being supportive, take all the help you can get. But also try and see it from your husband's point of view and prioritize getting your marriage back on track.

Wishing you all the best.

The fact that everyone on this thread is talking about you and your mental health, OP, and all you’re commenting on is your worries for your baby is just more proof that your main issue is your anxiety/OCD. You must seek help as a priority. Sending you all the best.

You’ve not written much about wanting to save your marriage. You’ve written about your mental health.

He is 9 months old. Even if it was stimming, it doesn’t mean he will be severally impacted.

You are missing out on so much and causing your husband to miss out on so much because your Google searches are confirmation bias, as above.

You have admitted that Google led you to lots of other diagnosis’s that were wrong. But even though you know you were wrong in all those cases you are convinced you must be right.

I don’t even think this thread is helping you. You are using it to further discuss your conviction that you are right. Likely because you know you need to give your husband a few days break. But that’s not helping. It’s not helping the anxiety. It’s just diverting it from your husband and in a few days you will go back to putting it on your husband.

You need to improve the anxiety. Not indulge it elsewhere

As others have said, kindly, your anxiety is readying to explode your life here and you need help. CBT can work wonders. Before anything else, this is the thing to get help for. As a freind remarked to me in the first year of my DDs birth 'If you're ok, they will be ok'. My DD is autistic, I knew something was wrong within a few weeks of her birth. She was never like her peers, but she is fabulous, just wonderful (now 9 yrs old). Despite her early issues no intervention was needed until she reached school where she had intervention for social skills. Obvs noone here knows whether your DC has longer term issues, but all you need to deal with is the here and now. Anxiety can make it feel like the house is on fire and there's an emergency going on - but the only priorities are, are they fed? Are they happy? Are you ok? And bring up any concerns during the check ups x

I was going to say similar.

None of my three were sitting unaided or crawling by 9 months. In fact, only one of them ever crawled at all. That was DD1 and she walked at 14 months. DD2 and DD3 were both bum-shufflers and didn't walk until 23 months and 21 months respectively. All are in their twenties now and are normal and healthy.

So to me much of what you are saying about your 9 month old does sound to be within the bounds of normality.

I think you should listen to your DH and get help for your anxiety before you completely wreck your marriage unnecessarily.

You and your Health Visitor will keep an eye on your child's development at the milestone checks. I am not dismissing your concerns, but those checks are really the forum to raise your questions with a health care professional, not Doctor Google who will present you with the worst case scenario straight away and possibly have you seeing things that may not be there.

Nine months is usually much too early to be sure of anything.

Everything you are describing is how my baby was at that age. Now she is a totally normal six year old. I remember the hand twirling stage particularly fondly, she used to do it if she was excited or pleased about something, it was lovely.

You are right but this is because my mental health is the only thing that is ruining my marriage, we were happy in all other aspects. I have tried many times to control myself etc and the fear of everything completely takes over and I just have a feeling like I am drowning and I go to my husband for reassurance only for us to fall out. I know all that but I failed to get out of this vicious circle so many times and with each new manifestation it becomes worse. I hate myself for that… and I wish I was a strong person or learn how to be one just a bit.

CBT would change your life. You are not your thoughts.

And the reason I asked earlier about what would happen if you were right, and he did have difficulties, was so you can look at them and know that whatever happens you would cope.

By the way I was the absolute queen of rumination. I still am, unless I catch myself and do my CBT stuff.

Thank you again for everyone who commented. I think you are all right - and I appreciate comments of both reassurance and support. I truly do. I also agree that others were spot on about coming to mn as a reassurance seeking. I think I need to own up to that. I did start this thread with a pure intention of crowdsourcing advice on how to mend my marriage, because I feel so exhausted and truly lost and I can’t seem to have any sort of internal
strength or wisdom anymore. I completely disappeared as a person eaten by worries and anxiety and sadness. This was my original intention but I can see how I turned it into a reassurance thread so I will need to stop this. However, I do find it helpful to have several perspectives as my mind only dishes out one and now I can rely on a several.

If you are anxious and paranoid you won’t see things as they are.
Nothing in your post indicates your baby is abnormal. Okay most sit
independently but some need support still. And as for crawling..loads don’t even crawl at 9 months. Mine were nearer a year! Lot oF children are quieter and don’t go in for babbling quite so much.
I think you should have some counselling and try and enjoy some
fun times with your family.

In the kindest possible way, you need to take ownership of your own thoughts and actions. I would find your current mentality impossible to live with. Let your poor husband have a pause to what he will perceive as imaginary worst case scenarios.

Additional suggestion: Look around you, people with real disabilities still work and have fun and have lives. Things will work out.

I know it’s so hard OP. Don’t be mean to yourself. You’ve acknowledged it and you’ve gone to the GP for help. There are so many people who will not do that. Just remember OCD is highly treatable. Hard but highly treatable. You will get there.

If you are struggling not to seek reassurance, try and couple it with something that will help. For example, you can pause reassurance seeking and read a self help specialist book. It might help you to feel more in control in a way that is more healthy.

Handhold for you OP, anxiety is life-ruining. Been there, done that. Once you address it with therapy, meds, a combo of both or another method, it will feel like a black cloak has been taken off your shoulders. Start witha GP appointment.

OP when it comes to stimming you should know ALL humans stim. Leg jiggling, foot tapping, nail biting, the little happy dance when food comes - those are all stims.

Yes autistic people can have more stims. But a nine month old expressing pleasure or excitement through twirling isn't indicative of autism yet.

We all stim. Most babies babble. Plenty can't have a 'conversation' (my nephew can't talk and he's 15 months).

And yes. You need intense CBT.