I ruined my marriage with a best husband, help

[Donutsandtears]

I am feeling utterly sad and helpless. I married the man of my dreams and we have been together now for 12 years, 10 years married. We had the absolutely best relationship - much to his credit in helping us establish secure communication as I dealt with a lot of abandonment issues in the past and it was hard for me. We were happy. Very happy. All was missing was a baby. No matter how much we tried I just wasn’t getting pregnant.

Then, since about 6 years ago I started having anxiety and depression after the death of my father, I developed bad OCD about germs (I was raped in my teen ages and it stemmed from there), and then terrible health anxiety along with the struggles with conceiving. Then pandemic hit and it has taken a toll on my already fragile mental health. We got pregnant after 2 years of ivf and I had a difficult pregnancy with concerns over baby and my anxiety got even worse.

my husband was there for all of it for me patiently. He was giving me his all when I was completely lost to depression and anxiety for so many years. I was never rude to him directly but I offended him often by comments of washing his hands etc.

Our long awaited baby was born and I was happiest I have ever been. Then, I started having problems with my health with a suspected cancer (but was cleared after a few long months of investigations) and postnatal anxiety. I was worried about everything about baby. About not holding him correctly, about him having a fever etc. We fought many times as I always thought we need to see a doctor and my husband would say that the baby is absolutely fine.

From about when my baby was 6 weeks I realised he was different from other babies in our antenatal group. I did not know what was wrong but I always had a gnawing feeling that something was amiss. He was late to hold his head and had strange movements. I went into a Google rabbit hole and diagnosed him with pretty much everything. I was wrong about the diagnoses I picked but I could still see that things are not right with the baby. By this point my husbands patients and resources to support me ran out….

I had counselling, medication but nothing is helping. Our sweet baby is 9 months old now and I can see he is not developing as he should and has autistics traits. He is late in his gross motor skills, has problems
with eye contact and babbling and doing a lot of arm flapping and odd repetitive movements, not smiling much and hard to engage in games. He constantly grunts and winged saying ‘mmmmmmmm’ or ‘uuuugh’.

i know I am the boy who cried the wolf too many times but I just can see that he has a developmental issue - he only just started crawling army style and still needs support sitting up. A couple of other friends commented on it too so I know it’s not entirely in my head.

My husband hasn’t been to the baby meet ups and it’s a first child for both of us and he completely denies any of my worries.

it got to a point that our marriage is breaking down. My husband wants me to stop worrying about the baby and just be a happy normal family. He can no longer tolerate discussions about my concerns. I want to stop worrying to but I just know that something is off… and I feel so lonely in this as well as scared of having a child with complex special needs. I hope I won’t offend anyone by saying that, I hate myself for not being strong and struggling so much. I know that my husbands love is gone but I love him (although selflishly at this point) and I want to save our relationship but I don’t think I have the strength in me as I am completely devastated over what the future for my baby could hold.

what would you do? I don’t know where to turn for help…

Agree with the above posters that you need to stop catastrophising, it doesn’t help anyone and takes up all your brain space.

This all so complex. I know you feel certain something is going on with your child. But all the other diagnosis you were certain of also are not true. There’s every chance you are incorrect here as well. This is a case of confirmation bias. You think all these things, ignore the many time you are wrong and hang on to the couple of time you are right.

You are also working on the assumption that of your child is diagnosed that it must mean he will have extreme complex needs. Ds has an autism diagnosis, but we are lucky that with a few simple coping mechanisms that we have made part of our everyday life, his needs feel far from complex. A diagnosis doesn’t always mean extremely complex needs.

The high levels of anxiety you are feeling and the stress in the household can not be good for your child. Even at the age he is.

You need and deserve help. But, as you have seen, it’s exhausting for a partner to constantly have to provided support, logical thinking, be the stable one, be the rational one. Your husband is probably feeling there’s a huge cloud over a time that he should be enjoying his child and fatherhood, but it’s become all about you and the diagnosis that you are certain are real and certain mean the worst case situation. Who supports him?

I would get really angry if someone kept insisting my son had various different illness and potential issues.

But the only person who can fix it is you. We can support. But it really is down to you. Even when we love someone we can’t provide endless support. You can’t keep expecting your husband to solve this. I wish you all the luck on the world. But you need to see that you can’t keep expecting others to solve this.

I did misread what you said. The point remains that telling parents who are worried about their children’s development under the age of one is rude and it’s simply not true that flags cannot be seen under that age. Telling the op she’s doing things such as she’s over thinking things about her own child is not helpful. Her mental health and noticing certain delays or simply ignoring mothers instinct are separate issues.

From one extreme health anxious person to another, I know how exhausted and down and worried you feel. It really is awful trying to cope with this level of worry.

I got CBT. They kinda told me that the worst case usually never happens, it’s all in my head and if it does happen, there’s nothing worrying can do to stop it. Just live your life in the now really is what the message was. It helped me some. But there’s times I do still get extreme panic about health, if I get a pain that lasts longer than a few hours I’m asking my husband do I need the doctor. I would fall into despair thinking I’d never be able to work again, my life was over I was dying, I wouldn’t get to live my life with my husband or my friends and I’d be taken too soon. It’s actually so draining but can’t help it :( I’m a bit better than I was, thankfully. I still sometimes go down the rabbit hole but hubby pulls me back. I know he finds it terribly tough to listen to me sometimes he does snap, but he will turn around then and say he feels sorry for me with how I feel. I try not to heap all my worries on him but I don’t have anyone else who’s understand. I think the CBT could help you as you’ll have someone to talk to about this and it’ll mean you need to talk less about it with your husband.

Can you get further tests done for your baby? Avoid google like the plague, it’ll tell you every single worst case. Get proper medical advice and stick with that. You don’t know at the moment that your baby could have these things that google told you they may have had. And If they do have something that needs treatment or help, you’ll get them that treatment or help and support them.

Wishing you all the best :)

I always say that mums know best. If you are correct in your asd assumptions there is nothing you can do for your baby by way of diagnosis yet anyway, except to keep calmly but firmly mentioning your concerns to your health visitor and to your own GP when you see him for your anxiety. I’m sure you are already doing this.
Nine months is just too young for an asd diagnosis, private or otherwise.
I don’t want to negate your impressions of your own child OP, but honestly, babies do come on in their development at different times. Some much later than others. A baby I was close to, was showing concerning signs to me and I became anxious about it for several months only for her to leap forward suddenly and start to engage happily in play and communication. Mobility and motor skill development can also be very erratic before suddenly springing forward much later than the average.

I know it’s hard not to be panicky about this but given it’s unlikely you will get help with a diagnosis for a good time yet, could you try to keep a little bit of a lid on your asd anxieties about your baby for the next couple of months or so. Give yourself a little break from the fear if you can. Give baby a bit more time to reveal himself. You have nothing to lose by doing this. What will be will be, but use this valuable time to play with him, read to him, sing to him, take him out and show him as much of your world as you can. Allow him to absorb your calmer mood and to get to grips with his environment. Smiling, encouraging, singing and happily chatting away to him all the time about anything and everything is the best thing for all babies of nine months.
Maybe your DH will recognise this tremendous effort and input from you to stay calm and not panic and he will really value it. I really hope you can become close again.
And I hope your GP can find more appropriate meds and support for your depression and anxiety.
Wishing you all the very best.

But I didn't say that. I said that she's over thinking it yes. But I also said she should raise concerns and that she should enjoy things with her DC. And that she can start doing things like improving tummy time to help him sit/crawl and helping him to meet his developmental milestones. Like other posters, I also pointed out that a developmental delay does not necessarily mean it's worst case scenario - it can just be that, a delay, or it could be that he will need additional support or that certain things will be challenging but she is catastrophising and that's not helpful.

What I DID say is that it's too early for a proper diagnosis or major interventions. And I wasn't rude.

The reality is that parents with massive health anxiety, for themselves or their children, ARE at risk of actually harming those children and their loved ones as a result. OP needs to seek support for herself so that she can do the best she can for her child and for her relationship.

My little one didn't crawl until 14 months or walk until 18 months. I know you mention other possible symptoms but as others have said, he's only 9 months old!

I'd allow some space between you and husband, maybe spend a few nights a week apart. Get some counselling so that things will be different if you reconcile.

idnalso say gently you need to throw to yourself into recovery
psychotherapy , medication and self care

even if your son IS autistic it doesn’t matter when they are 9 months old
a diagnosis is helpful but not critical

your mental health is however more critical and it sounds like you have been in a bad way for quite some time

i wish you the very best

OP, could your idea that your marriage is ruined be an instance of the jumping to the worst case scenario that you identify as a pattern with your baby?

From someone who has been where you are, in a somewhat different way: the poster who spoke of the treachery of that sense of 'just knowing' is spot on. One thing I have learned is that enaixty clouds and confuses 'instinct'. Reserving judgement is the best thing you can do here, for yourself, your child and your husband. 'Grey zones', and all quantifying measures really (bitter experience of perfectly healthy children falling off centiles...), are blunt tools that can only partially account for the infinite variations of human development. They don't mean 'there is something wrong with this baby', but (something like) 'a certain percentage of babies who have not done this by this stage/weigh this much at this age (etc) may have an underlying issue'. There may and there may not be something going on here, but at this stage, the full picture has yet to emerge.

It seems to me that your brain is stuck in a loop of hypervigilance and hyperinterpretation, connected to your real experience of the world as unsafe. I agree that you could potentially benefit very much from some decent therapy.

My son never crawled properly, did a commando style from about 9/10 months. He didn't walk until 15 months, however, I wasn't bothered as I was 18 months old according to my mother. I don't have any physical issues, neither does he, in fact he is brilliant at sport and very dextrous. The upshot being that babies develop at different times. You need to stop googling, wait for professionals to assess, and go from there. You have a spiralling doom approach and are constantly looking for worst case scenarios, so the answer is help for your MH.
Be kind to your DH, he has put up with a lot for years, make sure he knows that you are doing all you can to access help. It's when partners lose all hope of MH improvement that they check out. From his pov, it's going to look like as one problem is resolved you are hell bent on manifesting another, so the first few problems he supported you as there was an end in sight each time. Now it looks like he's lost faith as you have amassed quite a list of problems following on from each other, so expects more of the same.
He might be right, history shows this to have been true. It's likely you've got used to being in a heightened anxious state for a large part of your life, so it's become the norm for you. That's hard to get out of without help, otherwise you will continue to plug gaps where you could just be happy and nothing is wrong, with new manifestations.

FFS, my typing. *Anxiety clouds instinct.

Thank you all, I guess I am just so scared of my baby having a severe disability- e.g. non-verbal, completely asocial etc. I am in my later 30s and with fertility and health issues so won’t be able to have another child and it scares me that I won’t be a good carer if need be. My heart also bleeds from the thought that my baby might not experience life fully and be uncomfortable in this world. So this fear completely overshadows everything. I will be speaking with gp today to set me on a course of action to fight this.

(One of mine also never crawled - he got around on his knees until he walked at 17/18 months. He's a 15yo fitness freak and gym nut now. I also had a crawler + 14-month walker and a crawler + 18-month walker. I got a lot of 'not walking yet?' from people - walking seems to be some kind of touchstone of development and anxiety. Try not to put too much store into crawling etc at this stage)

@ShoesoftheWorld no, my husband says that if I continue to be how I am we will have to split up because he can’t take it anymore

It’s so hard living with unknowns, but we always are. I’m also a health worrier so I fully empathise, and know first hand that too much anxiously seeking reassurance can take a toll on a partner, without ever bringing you peace either as it’s always temporary relief (which also will apply to comments on mumsnet). I think it’s almost like a spiritual adjustment that is needed, if that doesn’t sound too woo - like submitting to the fact that the universe is unpredictable and uncontrollable and you sometimes just have to take a rest without everything being resolved.

Whatever is the case, the best thing for you and your baby and your relationship right now would be to find as many fun and rewarding ways to interact with your baby as you can, with all your worries pushed firmly to the side. A diagnosis would change nothing, there isn’t a miracle drug that stops a child from developing one way or another. But responsive communication helps any child develop to their full potential. I’m NOT suggesting that you are in any way not doing a wonderful job as a mother, but that it might be a helpful change of focus for you to just think about that instead and then know that whatever happens you are doing the best thing right now.

From the sound of it there’s nothing really to worry about too much. But if there was anything going on then for children who do have delays in joint attention using ‘responsive’ rather than ‘directive’ approaches to interacting can be really helpful, and immersing yourself in the baby’s world and communication is much more pleasant for you than having a mental checklist and monitoring. And then you can tell your partner about the cute or wonderful thing that the baby did rather than another worry, and you have a virtuous circle. You can still note and bring up any concerns, all parents do! Just keep that limited, literally maybe just agree that you will talk about it once a week for half an hour.

OK, he sounds at the end of his tether - but he's giving you a clear message that he needs and wants change. It doesn't sound as if he wants to split up. He's talking about 'having' to split up. So things are damaged, that's true, but not yet ruined. There are two things you can do immediately - initiate the process of getting help (which you have done - that's great) and try not to engage him in talk about your fears. Preferably with support you can learn techniques to manage them on your own. It may sound impossible, but just sitting with anxiety and letting it reach and pass its peak (which inevitably comes) can be very powerful.

Fantastic post from BatildaB.

thank you, it’s not the crawling that worries me but his inability to do a pretend conversation with me, constants twirling of hands and feet (others commented on it), tantrums, rubbing his face and burying it in me / items etc/ throwing himswlf in tantrums / pushing me off when I hold him…. There is more to this and I see it everyday as I am his main caregiver. I know there could be a wide range of spectrum and I think I could deal with many things (he already has a condition for which he is awaiting surgery) but I don’t think I could deal with a nonverbal severely affected adult…. That thought completely terrifies me….

The saddest part of this is that your worry about who your son might be in the future is stopping you from enjoying who he is today. You'll never get this precious time back.

Please be completely honest with the GP.

I can also assure you that, whatever your child's future does look like, children are negatively impacted by extreme anxiety in their parents. I see it every day at work.

And you won't know how to deal with anything until it happens. That's just parenting!

I'm sorry OP, I have also suffered similar.

The typical anxiety thought patterns are clear just from your posts.

You absolutely need to make fighting the anxiety your number one priority. Otherwise it will damage your marriage and your parenting. The anxiety is telling you you need to worry about autism, but this is the wrong priority, the wrong danger to be focusing on.

Make sure to state clearly that you have suffered trauma as a young person. Sometimes trauma makes anxiety more complex to treat, and you may need a more specialist therapist.

Why do you even think he may end up as a severely impacted non verbal adult?

What evidence do you have that, that’s even a possibility? How is it helping you to sit and think about a situation that you believe you couldn’t cope with?

The saddest part of this is that your worry about who your son might be in the future is stopping you from enjoying who he is today. You'll never get this precious time back.

This. I fully appreciate that your anxiety is irrational and something you are going to be trying to seek help for, but think about this please. For most people, the first thought on worries about developmental delays isn't to assume a child will be a non-verbal adult.

Living with someone who every minute of their life is dictated by worries of what if is utterly exhausting in every way.

The reality is that your baby MIGHT suffer from a significant disability but whether he does or not is not something you can control. You cannot change it if he does. If he dies though, you will cope. You will because it will be your reality when it comes to it.

What is primordial though is that you and your husband are working together, supporting each other if it happens.

And if you are wrong? If your baby is just developing slower, then what? You potentially would have lost your husband for nothing.

This is anxiety about you and being able to cope. You will. You really will.

I'd suggest trying mindfulness. It takes a lot of regular practice, like physio for a broken leg, but with time and efforts, it really allows you to learn to live in the present rather than in the what might be.

Good luck OP xx

I don’t know much about ASD in young children but I do know my stepdad didn’t speak until he was 4!

He’s fine now.

Mindfulness and CBT would be good for you.