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Original poster

20 year old and 40 year old

90 replies

giraffeleg · 20/06/2023 14:43

Can I ask people's opinion on a 20 year old female with a 40 year old male?
Opinions seem very divided here

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 12/08/2024 09:18

There’s a huge variation in maturity between a 20 year old and a 40 year old. I wouldn’t gave been interested in a 40 year old when I was 20.

My late (second) DH was 14 years older than me - but we both met in later life, so it worked wonderfully.

But, many people do make it work - so I guess it depends on the people.🙂

PotatoLeopard · 12/08/2024 09:30

I’m 41 DH is 50. We’ve been together 23 years - I’ll let you do the maths.
The power imbalance comment always absolutely cracks me up. We have always been equal as long as I’m getting my own way.
And interestingly we are the only couple still on our first marriage in our/either friendship group.
20 and 40 wouldn’t be for me, I wouldn’t want a partner old enough to be my dad but each to their own.

PotatoLeopard · 12/08/2024 09:31

Gerrataere · 20/06/2023 17:50

Nope it’s gross sorry. As others say, huge power imbalance, totally different places in life. One just starting out as an adult (and a 20 year olds brain is not fully matured no matter how people try and convince themselves that this one is ‘different’). My personal view is that once people reach 35/40, they usually have a very firm idea of life, if they want kids (or more), some semblance of a career or on the pathway, have had plenty of life experiences to relate to others whilst still being young enough not to be totally set in one’s way. To date someone under 35 who is several (or many several) years younger than you makes me think that person is either desperate (either for sex or for attention), highly immature or looking for a power trip. Whatever the case, it’s not good.

Goodness me people know if they want kids by 35/40?
That, in my opinion, is well past the age you should have finished with babies let alone be thinking about them.

BCBird · 12/08/2024 09:34

Nooooo

AuntieEstablishment · 12/08/2024 09:39

TheInterceptor · 20/06/2023 14:45

When I was 20 - absolutely yes. Now I'm 40 - absolutely no.

This, and I was this age and we had this age gap in my marriage. Spent years thinking it was okay, until I realised that our dynamic was actually pretty fucked up. Also, now that I'm older, I wouldn't think much of a 40-year-old who wanted to be with a 20-year-old. Even if the younger is very mature and has their head screwed on, as a 40-year-old I'd feel creepy and weird.

tiascreamingcat · 12/08/2024 09:45

I met my partner at 30 and he was 46.... we have now been together 5 years he has 2 children all good. But I was 30 - already had a house/mortgage from 19 years old, been married and then divorced I had a bit of life experience that at 20 I would not have had and would not have brought the right level of experience to a relationship.

Weirdly now DP's older brother 51 has met and fallen in love with a 21 year old and my age gap is now being compare to their age gap. If it works for us apparently it should work for them... I have kept my thoughts to myself but 30 year age gap when she is 21, has literally moved out of mum and dads and into his (he has 2 children) is different to a 16 year age gap for mature 30 year old.

What I am trying to say is that all factors in age gap relationships have to be considered I think if you are 20 and moving from parents into a older mans house the power dynamic is very different than wait 10 years get a bit of life experience.

farfromideal · 12/08/2024 14:00

I'm 54 and I would not like to be with a 74 year old man. That's almost my dad's age!

Pinkbonbon · 12/08/2024 14:05

Thoughts are somewhere in the region of 'yuck'.

SamW98 · 12/08/2024 14:06

farfromideal · 12/08/2024 14:00

I'm 54 and I would not like to be with a 74 year old man. That's almost my dad's age!

Ditto. I’m 55 and even the thought of a 65 year old let alone 75 fills me with horror.

CrotchetyQuaver · 12/08/2024 14:20

That's a big gap when one of you is only 20. The older you get, the less difference there is as you've collected life experience on the way. But at 20, frankly you're barely an adult. I would not have been happy if this was one of my DD's. Aged 40 and 60, I would have no problem with this other than pointing out the possibility of you ending up as his carer sometime in your 50's...

AntoinetteCurtain · 12/08/2024 14:30

AuntieEstablishment · 12/08/2024 09:39

This, and I was this age and we had this age gap in my marriage. Spent years thinking it was okay, until I realised that our dynamic was actually pretty fucked up. Also, now that I'm older, I wouldn't think much of a 40-year-old who wanted to be with a 20-year-old. Even if the younger is very mature and has their head screwed on, as a 40-year-old I'd feel creepy and weird.

Show quote history

I'm the same, met around those ages with a similar age gap.

20 years in, we're at the 40 and 60 and it just doesn't feel the same.

I'm leaving, for many of the reasons covered in this thread, Victor Meldrewism and not fancying being a carer in my 50s and 60s. It's selfish and I will need to explain it to my children in years to come. But it's the right thing for me

If anyone had advised me not to proceed because of the age gap, I wouldn't have listened, I know that. But facts are facts, I'm in my prime and he's not. I wouldn't do it again.

Bobbotgegrinch · 12/08/2024 15:02

As a 40 year old male - god its grim.

A one night stand I can just about envisage, but actually having a relationship with someone that much younger? Hell no.

I work with a bunch of people in their early 20s, and I have absolutely nothing in common with them. They're so naive about men and relationships, it would just be predatory.

NCmybloodyfather · 12/08/2024 16:17

Absolutely not. Power differential

Thurien · 12/08/2024 16:26

Rightnowstraightaway · 20/06/2023 15:22

Not popular on MN. However, I know a man who was 45 and met a woman of 25. They were married within a year and had four children and were extremely happy together until he died in his late 80s.

I think it's like any relationship. It depends so much on the individuals and circumstances.

I know some similar age gaps, though it is rare. I don't believe any of the women are gold diggers, but there are no financial pressures in any of these relationships so that must do something.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2024 20:27

No huge red flag

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