20 year old and 40 year old

[giraffeleg]

Can I ask people's opinion on a 20 year old female with a 40 year old male?
Opinions seem very divided here

If two consenting adults love eachother and want to be together the age gap is irrelevant, the only people that should be concerned with it is the couple.

Anything else and any other opinions are just your own prejudice showing. Power imbalances indeed.... gosh people as if that doesn't happen in relationships of any age gap

Nope it’s gross sorry. As others say, huge power imbalance, totally different places in life. One just starting out as an adult (and a 20 year olds brain is not fully matured no matter how people try and convince themselves that this one is ‘different’). My personal view is that once people reach 35/40, they usually have a very firm idea of life, if they want kids (or more), some semblance of a career or on the pathway, have had plenty of life experiences to relate to others whilst still being young enough not to be totally set in one’s way. To date someone under 35 who is several (or many several) years younger than you makes me think that person is either desperate (either for sex or for attention), highly immature or looking for a power trip. Whatever the case, it’s not good.

Not for me. A Forty year old man who's got a taste for twenty year old women is as odd as a forty year old woman who's into twenty year old men.

There's just something a bit ew about it.

The age of consent is 16. Are you saying that an 17/18/19 year old is not vulnerable with someone 10/20+ years older than them? Because they’re technically ‘consenting adults’? Come on, there’s obviously nuances in age gap relationships.

I have a similar age gap marriage, I was mid twenties when we got together though, living alone working etc, totally independent. We get on really well, my friends like him, his friends like me, I’m well aware things may crop up in the future but we’ve both known couples who divorced (my age and his age) for various reasons and we’ve also both known people who’ve died younger and older so although we did both think are we insane initially… we both had the attitude that life doesn’t always pan out how you plan it and it seemed a shame to throw away what we felt because of a number.
It depends on circumstances. 20 is quite young but if the 20 year old has some experience of life (living independently, working, paying bills, generally being an adult) it could be ok.

I would say live and let live. If they are happy then let them get on with it.

I think it depends upon the individuals and what they each get from the relationship. I do agree that at 20 years old that is a big age difference but my best friend married her husband when she was 35 and he was 60 and 17 years later they are still incredibly happy together so it can work.

There is 13 years between me and DH….he is going to be 60….falls asleep on sofa by 6.30pm, hasn’t cared about his weight and I’m still in 40’s going out and partying all weekend….one of my friends said to me she wished she knew me better before I got married because she would have warned me it wasn’t such a good idea and think about it in older years like she had been through with her mum & dad.

@Sasha46 i think napping on a sofa is a personality trait :P

im 30 and i love my naps

@EllaRaines my husband is working hard on turning into Victor Meldrew at 43. He acknowledges this.

When we moved into our house my ND were 28 and 48, been together since 22 and 42, only SHE was the older one with two teenagers.

They were such a fab couple and happily lived next door to us for over 20 years, they absolutely adored each other, but she then sadly died at 70 from a horrible degenerative disease.

They were very much an exception though, and he looked and acted much older and her younger.

I think it can work sometimes, but most of the time it’s just ick.

Generally speaking... different life stages.

Also depends when they met... getting with your best friends dad or old teacher is completely different to meeting someone at work.

I was 24 and my now DH was 51 when we got together.

We married several years later. 20 years on we are still very happily married. We have a 6 year old DS together.

DH is very 'young' for his age. He was a professional cyclist. He remains incredibly fit and has done so throughout our relationship. He could smash most men my age to bits on a bike! Outlook wise - I'm not sure if this would be described as young. We share an outlook on life, we enjoy 'fun' which for us is a lot of travel, lots of cycling, walking, gigs, festivals and spending time socialising with our friends. Politically we think the same - gender critical, socialists.

DH retired (after stopping professional racing he took up a different career, but kept racing at an amateur level) as soon as DS was born. He does the majority of care. We share household tasks.

I wouldn't change that man for the world!

To be clear. I have a fantastic relationship with my family including my parents. No 'dad issues.'

I would describe myself as a very strong, outspoken kickass woman. I have a good career and lots of interests outside of work. I share friends with DH, but also have my own group of friends - he's the same. He has a fab relationship with his ex/ mother of his adult kids.

I don't see myself as the stereotype of the young wife. Our relationship, how it's evolved and remained wonderful is testament to the fact age is merely a number.

The only fly in the ointment is that I know I won't get to retire and spend time with DH. However the way we have lived our lives to date more than makes up for it. Like me DH is full of beans, vitality and energy. He's had some fairly serious health issues, but these were related to his endurance athlete status, he's always bounced back. I don't think he's anymore likely to develop health issues than a male my age. In fact he's significantly healthier than most I know (outside of the cycling community).

I think the one thing in common for all successful couples with large age gaps is that they meet / start dating when they're both adults.

We have an age gap of 14 years, but I was in my late 20s when we started dating and we were at a similar stage in life. If I was even couple of years younger then I don't think it would have worked as well

I don’t think you should judge anybodies relationship if you aren’t personally in it. My husband is 17 years older than me but if you didn’t know us you wouldn’t know there was an age gap, he looks young and gets on with all my friends like a house on fire and my family love him. I am now 34 and he is 51 in September.
I personally wouldn’t have been ready to settle down at the age of 20 but some people are much more mature at 20 than I was.

My parents were 24/50 and together 35 years. She was very definitely the matriarch.
I met my DP late in life and he’s 24 years older than me…he truly is the man of my dreams and I finally found what love is. People make such horrible generalisations, each relationship is unique.

Who decides what is right or wrong! ??
If it works, it works!!! It might last a year or a life time! Like any relationship! 🤷‍♂️
My first wife was 5 years younger! 20 years!
Second wife 26 years younger! 10 years!
Current partner 38 years younger! 3 years and still going!
You get attached to someone because you 'click' for whatever reason! Does it matter!?
Colour, creed, race, religion, sex, age!
Hells bells! You can't help loving who you love!

3 years on your third marriage.....that's not the resounding endorsement of age-gap relationships you seem to think it is.

I suggest ignoring the bloke who cranked up a 9 month old thread just to post that.

Each to there own it can work but think it will run into trouble when they get to 45/65 completely different stages of there life

and the younger on is going to have a lonely retirement possibly left on there own , carer it’s unlikely an 80 year old can keep up with a 60 year old my in-laws when they retired in there early 60’s they were never in holidays travelling renovated there house I don’t think they could of done any of this if one of them were in there 80’s

20 and 40 absolute no no .

60 and 80 not for me but each to their own .

A 20 yr old has no life experience and I think any 40 yrs man interested in a 20 yrs girl has serious issues , very ick

20 years is too big of an age gap, in my opinion.
It’s also weird to me when someone who is halfway towards retirement is sniffing around the college campus for freshman recruits. I mean, the girl just graduated high school two years ago and you’re a middle-aged man.

I have a rule of thumb. If you are old enough to be her father, you’re too old to be her husband. Let her experience and enjoy her youth while dating people close to her age.

My sister’s close friend was married at 21 to a man with this gap, until his death in his late 70’s. The last 15 of which he had terrible health and she was his carer.

Now that she is out of it- she realizes it absolutely was grooming. He picked her because of her vulnerability with regards her family and perhaps a stubborn streak.
She would have said … up until their oldest child was 20… that she had picked him.

The worst thing for her is seeing how it has made their daughters vulnerable to the same abuse. How to warn them without sullying their fathers memory?

Well I'm 46yrs, having met men my age I cannot imagine my 20yr old self being with one let alone all the baggage that most of them come with.