20 year old and 40 year old

[giraffeleg]

Can I ask people's opinion on a 20 year old female with a 40 year old male?
Opinions seem very divided here

no.

the same age difference in 5 years is fine, now - not so much

Weirdly I think it depends on who pursued who... I have friends with a 25 year age gap - she was 26 and he was 51 when they met. She pursued him relentlessly and wore down his resistance. They're a fantastic couple and have been together around 15 years now, married with a daughter. As others say, it's very much based on the individuals concerned.

20 and 40, definitely not!

I think age gaps are less noticeable when you age though - 40 and 60 wouldn’t be too bad.

There’s 19 years between me and DH, still happily married, been together 23 years. However, I was almost 30 when we got together, had my own house and had travelled the world alone and for work (which is how we met). I think that I would have been a very different, possibly more vulnerable, person at age 20 and I doubt that would have been a good basis for a relationship.

There's 20 years between brother and wife...met at 25/45. Now 75/55

My friend is now 60 but when she was 19 she met and then married a man who was 34 to begin with. She is beyond angry that her parents, brother and friends didn't question his motives for wanting such a young, inexperienced in life, naive, barely an adult (her words, not mine) woman. I would question it, I think there is a huge disparity and would see it as one way to get onto the property ladder from the woman's point of view.

I would also worry about if they wanted to have children as in they separately want that in life and how they would make that work given the age gap. I think there is a power imbalance when they are still a teen with a man who has lived another whole of the woman's life.

No it’s a terrible idea. Power imbalance, peter pan syndrome, madonna/whore complex, just generally narcissistic entitlement of a 40yr old thinking they would make a good life partner for a 20yr old. Plus then at the other end things can go wrong when the older partner becomes elderly. Nope. Not a fan of age gaps over about 10yrs, especially when one partner is only just an adult when the relationship begins.

If you are old enough to have had sexual relationships and even marriage and children before your partner was even born.. Ugh!

You could have known them as a baby in your own child's nursery 🤢

No

there’s only one reason why a 40 year old man would be interested in a 20 year old girl and that’s for what’s between her legs. They’ll have absolutely nothing in common, will think entirely different and the age gap will feel bigger and bigger the older he gets, not to mention when the women wants a baby he be dangerously too old to produce quality sperm with an increased risk in genetic defeats.

I know a 25yo with a 57yo.

They met when she was 20. They're very happy.

Why not?

Depends on the people involved. They're both adults.

Nah 😬

Only if he's a billionaire.

The age gap isn't a problem, but the life gap is. A 20-year-old has so much growing and learning to do. They will not be the same person in 20 years' time, unlike the 40-year-old who will likely just be a slower less fit/healthy version of who they are now.

From a female point of view, maybe it works if you've known the guy when he was youngish.
( i.e 40) but as you both age, it's going to become a stark difference.
To me, a guy in his late 60s or early 70s is an old man if I'm late 40s. I just can't see how you'd have any sexual attraction to them.

The thing is that in his forties he can still be quite lively and youthful.

Once he turns fifty it's the slow decline into turning into Victor Meldrew.

I think finding the right friendship group that suits both of them would be difficult, and the gap is likely to seem bigger as they get older. Eg the difference between 40 and 60 or 60 and 80 is much bigger that the 40/60 gap.

No. Just no.

Ain't that the truth with bells on

I think the vast majority of relationships with massive age gaps are just a big no no, however in some (rare) circumstances I do think it can work out. Personally I would never and have experience of being 20 and involved somewhat with a 45 year old (he could have been older but I took his word that he was 45) who knew exactly what to say to charm me and other women. Luckily it wasn't a relationship and I didn't sleep with him but it was so wrong! He clearly took advantage of me looking back.

It’s legal and perfectly fine IMO. Each to their own. I have friends who actively seek out older men, there’s no power imbalance only their preference for stable men and not the immature ones around their age.

Once you're an adult, it's entirely down to preference and personal taste, isn't it?

How long have you been together? Do you have kids?

It's the totally different life stages going forward for me I would worry about. Its a hard no from me.

I have a friend like that too and that’s clearly what is working for her.

Her current partner is 55yo, she is 40yo.

There has never been a real power imbalance that I can see BUT she is not taking shit and any guy who would have treated with respect/equality has been shown the door VERY quickly (which includes the father if her dd too)

@Butterwouldmelt Over a decade, 1 DC. I appreciate things might change in the future but many marriages even without the age difference end in divorce for all sorts of reasons.