Help with breaking off short abusive(?) relationship

[NeedPerspective1234]

Hi all, I have NCed for this as this post might be identifying if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. It dawned on me yesterday night that my new relationship is quickly heading to a dark place and I need help with deciding how to end things. Long post ahead!

I started dating a guy 2.5 months ago. He was incredibly intense and needy from the get-go, which I put down to him being a little immature and overly eager. In a matter of weeks, he started pushing for us to be in an official relationship, telling me he was falling in love with me and constantly asking me how I felt about him. Even though I tried multiple times to slow things down, it now feels like we are in a long-term committed partnership since he has been so intense from day one.

After about a month he started being extremely jealous for absolutely no reason. For example, he made a scene in the middle of the street because I mentioned the name of an ex-boyfriend in passing. When he is upset he becomes super aggressive but also icy, dismissive, and condescending. He constantly pushes my boundaries to have things his way. He won't take no for an answer, ever.

Yesterday night we crossed a line though. We were at my place and had a small disagreement that quickly escalated into an aggressive argument. I asked him to leave my place multiple times, he kept saying that if he left then we would be over, and just refused to go. When he realized I was serious and ready to end the relationship, he immediately changed his tune and became super calm, affectionate, and logical and insisted that we talk things out even though I said multiple times that I needed some time to decompress before we talk. At that point, I think I had some sort of fawning reaction because I was scared of him, and given that he wouldn't leave my place, I agreed to make peace and let him spend the night here because I guess I thought it was safer. I am so disappointed with myself for being such a coward and not standing my ground, again!! This morning I cried on my way to work. Wtf is wrong with me?

I have always been a calm, patient, grounded person and have never been the type to lose her temper or shout. Never had a confrontational or volatile relationship. However, in a short few months with him, I am turning into a crazy person who loses her mind at the slightest disagreement. I don't know what to do. I tried to break things off with him FOUR TIMES but he always talks me out of it and I end up agreeing to continue the relationship. I am normally a very strong-willed, resolute person so I genuinely can't recognize myself.

I know I must end things with him but I am scared of his reaction and don't know how to do it. We live in a small-ish city and have mutual friends, so he will always be able to find me. Does anyone have advice on how to handle this type of situation?

If he has any personal items at your home have a friend there and ask him to collect them. If he hasn't just text him the It Isn't Working For Me text.. Then block him. You owe him nothing further.. If he gets shitty ring the police.

I ended up in a relationship last year with a man I met online. It was so intense, he would shout and get angry and constantly snapped at me but could not see his failings. It also made me into a person ai did not recognise and if I told him this he told me I clearly was argumentative etc. I stuck it out for 6 months and the last straw was when he ruined a holiday. Get out now. Don’t wait it out as it won’t get better. It’s not meant to be so hard this early. Delete his number/block if you need to.

Get a chain fitted to your door, and use it all the time. Don't let this person into your home and if he turns up and won't leave, call the police. In fact, I'd call the police non-emergency number anyway and tell them that you are scared stiff of him, just so they are already aware.

There's nothing wrong with you except that you think something is wrong with you.

Stay away from anybody who makes you feel like you're not yourself. We can all be pushed to d out of character things. You're not unusual or faulty.

Send him a message to say it's over. Call the police if he makes trouble.

Have a think about where you learned that when things get volatile, it's best to stay. What did your parents show you when you were a child, about how to run a relationship? Were they respectful of each other, and respectful to you? Did they encourage you to put your feelings first? Were your feelings prioritised by them? Something in you is telling you to put your negative feelings on the backburner and put 'staying in the relationship' higher on your priority list. Where has that come from?

This happened to me several years ago. The guy love bombed me and pushed me into an exclusive relationship after about 4 dates. His behaviour was exactly as you described. Jealous, possessive, moody, suspicious and, looking back, controlling. I remember the turning point for me was when he told me I was useless.

I broke up with him after 5 months and he showed his true colours in full. He harassed me so much that when an opportunity came up to move away came up through work, I took it. I met my now husband in the new place so it all turned out well but I'm not sure how I would have handled his abusive phonecalls and texts if I had to see him all the time. I do think that he would have moved onto someone else soon enough.

What I would suggest, is to have a soundbite up your sleeve. A catch-all statement that you trot out describing why you finished it, and stonewall him with that every time he tries to talk you out of it. I'd also say that if you give an inch, he will take a mile. Keep your break-up water tight. Don't show any signs of indecision or that you're open to it. Understand that he will go through about 19 layers of fury and will try every kind of desperate attempt to get you back.

@Watchkeys has it spot on!
There's nothing wrong with you except that you think something is wrong with you.

You need to bite the bullet and finish it.
What exactly are you worried about, is it your safety?
Do you think he'll get physical?
Do it over the phone, think about what you're going to say, write it down if necessary "this relationship is not working for me, I'm ending now and I'd like for you to respect my wishes and not contact me again"
He replies with some drivel.
You "I've made my decision, I wish you well for the future"
Put the phone down and block.
Tell your friends and family.
Have someone sleep over if you're really concerned or sleep at a friend's for a couple of nights.
If he turns up at your home don't open the door, call the police.
You need to protect yourself, finish it now.
He'll hopefully lose interest when he realises it isn't getting him anywhere.

he always talks me out of it

Then you need to not give him the opportunity. Send a final message then immediately block him on everything. If he comes to your place, call the police.

@Watchkeys gives excellent advice, as always.

You simply get a chain on your door, then block him.
If he harasses you on your doorstep then call the police.
All this sweet talk is highly manipulative.

End it.
Block him.
Call the police if he persists.

I'm surprised he hasn't tried to move in with you by now. If he says he's going to kill himself ignore him, he's trying to manipulate you.

This.

Bag his shit and bin him.

If he's physically abusive, a chain on the door won't stop him. What do people think those things are made of, or attached to?!

I would not be surprised if you told me you're dating my ex. Request Claire's Law.

In terms of getting rid of him, I think you send him a message stating you do not want to continue the relationship because of x y z and then block him on everything!!! If he comes to your house, immediately call the police

This.

A friend was in a similar situation (she also lives in a small city). She finished with him and asked him not to contact her. He emailed, called, she ignored. He then went round 'to drop something off' (she was out but a neighbour told her). She told the police who advised they considered that to be escalation, and it turned out he already had a record. She was v glad she'd laid a clear boundary and contacted the police when he crossed it.

I agree with this. Don’t let him draw you in to a conversation.

I let a man like this drag me back, again and again for four years, into a relationship I wanted to end after a few months.

But to my amazement, after the final time when I said it was over and refused to let him return, literally refused to unbolt the front door — he gave up quite easily. I wish I’d been strong sooner. The whole thing nearly destroyed me.

You can - and should - literally just text him right now telling him it's over. Then block him. Post his shit, if any.

You don't have to make him accept the breakup. You don't have to speak to him at all. You owe him nothing.

You don't have to make him accept the breakup. You don't have to speak to him at all. You owe him nothing.

This

You can unilaterally break up with him. He doesn't need to be in agreement. This rings a bell with me, something that seemed promising turning very sour alarmingly quickly. Don't ring or meet in person. Text. Maybe 'I want to leave this here. All the best but please do not contact me again'. Youve done him the courtesy of letting him know its over and if he bothers you you have told him you don't want contact so can report him for harassment straight away. Then block everywhere.

If you have his belongings post them or leave with a mutual friend. Don't keep lines of contact open just for stuff. It's 10 weeks. Perfectly fine to break up by text. He has just made this artificially intense. Getting a door chain and ring doorbell will help you feel more secure. Refuse any conversation and call the police if he shows up.

Have a line ready if he tries to feed your mutual friends bullshit such as 'Jim turned out to be quite different to how I expected. I don't want to talk about him'.

Answer honestly to yourself op does he also talk you into sex? ...

Text him now and end it. Say As I tried to make clear to you last night I no longer want to continue in a relationship with you. I repeatedly asked you to leave my house and you refused. I am blocking you and request that you make no further attempt to contact me as I will consider it harassment.

Then block him. And as others have said, get a chain on the door and don't open it without the chain on.

Be glad you've spotted it now. You will never be able to reason with him, and he highly manipulative, so the only way forward is to:

Message and say that you've decided to end it
Block him
Grey rock if he does attempt to contact you
Police if he harasses, or stalks

No conversation, Full stop. Expect victim mode, and a nasty stuff being said to any mutual friends.

You let him stay because your gut instinct was telling you that was the safer option.
As pp have said, if there’s anything of his at your place bag it up and put outside . One message telling him to collect then block. If he comes to your house tell him you’re calling the police and do it. Be mega, mega, mega firm and definite.

Don’t open your door, don’t agree to any chatting, talking it over, being just friends. He has an agenda very different to how you want a relationship.

This nails it!

Gave me a shiver reading how he stayed all night "to keep the peace" then you cried on your way to work.

Fuck that! No one deserves that shite.

Grey rock!!!

He'll probably be mortified when the emotional manipulation doesn't work.

Keep your head held high!