Help with breaking off short abusive(?) relationship

[NeedPerspective1234]

Hi all, I have NCed for this as this post might be identifying if pieced together with the rest of my posting history. It dawned on me yesterday night that my new relationship is quickly heading to a dark place and I need help with deciding how to end things. Long post ahead!

I started dating a guy 2.5 months ago. He was incredibly intense and needy from the get-go, which I put down to him being a little immature and overly eager. In a matter of weeks, he started pushing for us to be in an official relationship, telling me he was falling in love with me and constantly asking me how I felt about him. Even though I tried multiple times to slow things down, it now feels like we are in a long-term committed partnership since he has been so intense from day one.

After about a month he started being extremely jealous for absolutely no reason. For example, he made a scene in the middle of the street because I mentioned the name of an ex-boyfriend in passing. When he is upset he becomes super aggressive but also icy, dismissive, and condescending. He constantly pushes my boundaries to have things his way. He won't take no for an answer, ever.

Yesterday night we crossed a line though. We were at my place and had a small disagreement that quickly escalated into an aggressive argument. I asked him to leave my place multiple times, he kept saying that if he left then we would be over, and just refused to go. When he realized I was serious and ready to end the relationship, he immediately changed his tune and became super calm, affectionate, and logical and insisted that we talk things out even though I said multiple times that I needed some time to decompress before we talk. At that point, I think I had some sort of fawning reaction because I was scared of him, and given that he wouldn't leave my place, I agreed to make peace and let him spend the night here because I guess I thought it was safer. I am so disappointed with myself for being such a coward and not standing my ground, again!! This morning I cried on my way to work. Wtf is wrong with me?

I have always been a calm, patient, grounded person and have never been the type to lose her temper or shout. Never had a confrontational or volatile relationship. However, in a short few months with him, I am turning into a crazy person who loses her mind at the slightest disagreement. I don't know what to do. I tried to break things off with him FOUR TIMES but he always talks me out of it and I end up agreeing to continue the relationship. I am normally a very strong-willed, resolute person so I genuinely can't recognize myself.

I know I must end things with him but I am scared of his reaction and don't know how to do it. We live in a small-ish city and have mutual friends, so he will always be able to find me. Does anyone have advice on how to handle this type of situation?

Every time I read a thread like this, I hope to god that it's not my ex...

I remember being in a similar situation. If you let this continue you will be sucked in further and further. It will be even harder to break things off. You've recognised things aren't right and now it's just the logistical sorting out of things.

As pp have said, get a chain fitted, get his stuff out and then send a text saying it's no longer working. Block if you need to and phone the police if he turns up.

Op if you don’t want to find yourself posting here in a couple of years, with bruises maybe, and your life in tatters, still asking how to break up with him… do it now. Don’t wait. Don’t get sucked in again. It’s all a game to him. You are a game to him. Please believe it.

I feel exactly the same.

I could have written OPs first post, word for word, based on my experience with my ex.

I wish I'd had the awareness to post here. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

. He won't take no for an answer, ever.

How someone responds when you say no to them is a very revealing indicator of the sort of human being they are.

Throw this one back.

Op also tell someone in real
life

You let him stay because you knew that he would hit you if you didn't. That was your survival instinct kicking in.

Remember that feeling when you feel yourself weakening. End things with this man, by text. Block him. Do not engage with him at all.

It's very telling that you even put a question mark after the word 'abusive" in your title.
Believe in your assessment of him. He certainly is abusive.

This.

Tell the police you had to allow him to stay after repeatedly asking him to leave because you were so scared of him.

He is dangerous.

Never allow him into your home again.

This IS a police matter.

He wouldn't leave your home and you allowed him to remain there as you genuinely feared for your safety.

This is VERY serious.

I'm so sorry.

You did the best you could in the moment to stay safe, but NOW you need to ring 101 and tell them what happened.

Tell someone.

Ring Women's aid for a chat.

Contact a friend or family.

Tell work if you are very upset.

If he has stuff at your house, ask the police for advice.

Text him it is over and NOT to contact you again.

How are you, OP?

I DID IT!!!!

He tried to manipulate me into staying, turned on the charm, and took the whole thing really calmly and maturely. A total act!!! I even discovered that last weekend he invented a ton of lies about a mutual friend with the goal of isolating me. He told me that this mutual friend of ours had talked about me in disgusting sexual terms and that I should break off my friendship with this friend otherwise he would lose all respect for me. Turns out it was a total lie, I spoke to several people who were present and they all denied any comments being made about me. The guy is seriously crazy.

But the important thing is that I am shot of him🤗

Congratulations @NeedPerspective1234 and very well done.

Woop! Well done OP! Definitely dodged a bullet. Thank goodness you realised now rather than years down the line.

Oh god what a relief. My top break up tip is always make it about you, not them. Any reason you attribute to them, they can argue with. Stuff is just stuff, and the postal service exists.

I wish I had known when I was younger that I don't need permission to end a relationship!

Onwards and upwards OP, you can breathe freely now.

Well done, you!

I had a similar situation this year. I'm really proud of myself for having strong boundaries and not getting sucked into the love bombing/nastiness cycles. You should be too!

When I ended it, he was initially very insulting towards me, then attempted a love bombing phase. He ended up sending flowers to which I stupidly unblocked him to say thanks for apologising. He then turned up on my doorstep and it turned into an attempt to lure me back in with promises to change.

My position on it was, if it was within his power to change, why did he behave like that in the first place?

Anyway, didn't mean to make this about me. I just wanted to say block and keep him blocked! He's clearly an absolute wrongun and no good can come of ever speaking to him again. He'll likely try all kinds of manipulation so close all avenues to contact.

Good luck and good on you! 🌺

Well done you! Woo hoo!

however…

be on your guard, he might regroup and try again

block him, make sure all your mates know it’s over and why and that you don’t ever want to see or hear from him again.

again, well done to you!!

Well done. Maybe HQ needs a TIPS section to assist people in Ltb... I honestly believe if I had been on MN many years ago my life would be quite different now...

Well done!! Must feel like a huge load off. Remember this is who he is. If he comes back, the grovelling, sweetness and promises to change are temporary

Thank goodness.
Well done you.

Don't do this, ffs 🤦‍♀️

Don't let him in your house again, you can't expect a friend to be able to keep you safe in this situation.

Thank god OP. I'm happy for you!!

I really related when you said you let him stay because it felt like the safer option. I've done things I didn't want to do because I felt that saying no was more dangerous for my personal safety. It's a shit thing to go through. I'm glad you're out of it.

Thank you everyone for your support! I feel like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I feel free again!

I think he assumes that he can stick around as a "friend" and lure his way back into my good graces. That is why he completely shifted gears and pretended to take it so maturely. He realized he pushed too far with his anger and manipulations and is now trying a different approach.

Thank God I saw who he really is and there is no way I will allow his mind games to suck me back into that world of chaos. Some people are profoundly damaged.

Tell all you friends he is toxic and dangerous and you want NOTHING further to do with him.

Tell them to NEVER give out ANY information about you to him.

If he in any any way contacts you again.

Send him a clear short text.

"I told you we are finished.
Do NOT contact me in ANY way again.
If you do, I will contact the police and report you for harassment.
You are NOT a friend.
I want NOTHING further to do with you"

The above is crystal clear.
Call the police should he not follow your instruction.

Tell you friends that you have send the above.

Tell them that he is deeply scary.

Don't protect him.
Blacken his name completely.

I would consider reporting him to the police anyway.
Just so they have him on their radar.

He wouldn't leave your home and you were scared for your safety.
That is serious shit.

If you were my daughter I would be helping you report him.

That's brilliant, OP!

But be careful. He'll definitely try to get back with you somehow. They always do!
They hate having the power taken away from them.

But you've done very well to get rid of him. Keep posting here if you need more advice or support.