Have you ever ended a friendship?

Trainsplanesandfeet · 2023-06-19T11:01:47+00:00

And if so why? Have you ever been the friend who this was done to and how did you feel/did you think it was a reasonable response by the person who ended contact with you? I need to create some boundaries for myself around friendships that are only one way/not bringing me joy but I feel so guilty about it.

JauntyJinty · 19/06/2023 12:07

I don’t think there needs to be any kind of confrontation or official “end”. Just always be busy/unavailable when they want to see you (or if I'm reading your post right want something from you!) and let it fizzle out. From your brief post I'm guessing they're a user so if you stop being useful to them they’ll soon disappear

Sunnydaysareuponus · 19/06/2023 12:09

2 friends in a short space of time.. Ghosted 1 and emailed precisely why to the other.. Both appropriate methods and no regrets to either...

Watchkeys · 19/06/2023 12:18

Just spend less time with them. Your boundaries are already in place; that's how you know which friendships you want to pull back from.

It doesn't have to be a 'thing'. Just slide quietly out of their lives. Unless you are the most important thing in their lives, they won't think anything more than 'Probably just busy'. Why do you feel guilty? Do you think they need you?

frootie · 19/06/2023 12:20

Yes I have. 2 friends in the last 3 years. I felt really guilty in the early days but increasing confidence and peace as time went on. I was as kind as possible and faded out rather than ghosted. I sent it's not you it's me messages too.

But truthfully their values were at odds with mine. Both drained me. And for different reasons I had started to dislike them and dread seeing them.

SummerVino · 19/06/2023 12:21

I haven’t been this friend because I am a solo player and enjoy my own time!

However, I’ve had to do this. What you can do is just simply step away from it for a while. Eg, take no calls after 9pm. You have a new day to be fresh for in the morning. Don’t answer calls if you don’t want to; it’s your phone you answer when you want. If they begin talking to the point of exhausting you, make your excuses and leave. If you are leaving meetings drained and exhausted, shouldering all their problems; then for your own sake , don’t feel guilty about it.

ThisHeatIsKillingMeOff · 19/06/2023 12:22

Yes, last year. I still see them and I'm civil but that's as far as it goes.
Stopped being friends with them as they wouldn't speak to me if there new partner was with them but would happily chat to me if they weren't together. Also brought a lot of needless drama to my life trying to drag me into things that had nothing to do with me and used me for freebies. Never again!

Tidsleytiddy · 19/06/2023 12:27

I’ve had to ghost a toxic former ‘friend’ Feel bad but my own mental health comes first. Drained every last drop out of me as an unpaid counsellor. I want peace and quiet and now, after a struggle with the constant texting, I’ve got it

Mary46 · 19/06/2023 12:29

Yes one was slow fade. Messages phased out. Think it ran its course. She never committed to meetups. So I leave it at that now.

Eyesopenwideawake · 19/06/2023 12:33

Yes. I thought about ghosting her but it wasn't fair and I wouldn't do that to someone I cared about. Her lifestyle was heading in a direction I was really uncomfortable and there was one incident (among many) that broke the proverbial camel's back. I mailed her, she was upset and it was awkward meeting socially for a while but we speak on the odd occasion we bump into each other now.

AllThatTwitters · 19/06/2023 13:13

Yep I’ve also been unpaid counsellor to a friend who I am currently keeping my distance from. I worry about what signals I put out, because people like this seem to make a beeline towards me!

I think do what is most comfortable for you, if that is the slower creating distance thing then that’s okay.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 19/06/2023 13:18

Me.

I have been on both sides.

I was 7 months pregnant with my first DC and I was in a group chat with a few of my closest friends (one of 30 years). I decided to distance myself and left the group chat as it became quite toxic. A few weren't happy with this and decided to block me out of there lives. Rather dramatic but that was just the vibe of the friendship over the years. I was just done at this point. And tbh, I was happy to see the back of a few of those friends.

Me and friend of 30 years remained close but it all kicked off last year after a night out. A few things where said and I basically walked away from the friendship.

I can't begin to tell you hard that was. I was heartbroken it ended the way it did but I knew it was for the best for the sake of my mental health. I was a new mum and I just felt so abandoned, unsupported and let down.

I have just started to come to terms with it recently and have finally moved on. I'm really happy and in such a good place in my life. About to welcome second DC.

We didn't speak at all until recently. They reached out and want to meet this week for brunch.

I have absolutely zero expectations from this meet up. It will be nice to clear the air if anything. If we can salvage the friendship then great. It will take a lot for me to trust them again. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to. But I think I owe it to the friendship to at least try.

starrynight21 · 19/06/2023 13:27

Yes, I've ended one this year. We'd been friends for many decades , and I would have bet that the friendship would have lasted forever. But last year she married a really odd man who lives and breathes conspiracy theories - and these horrible things have rubbed off on her. She constantly tries to make me understand that these things are genuine , and I can't argue with her.

I've had enough, so I've more or less ghosted her. Nothing dramatic, I just stopped returning her messages and emails. She doesn't live near me, so there is no question of running into her. It's such a relief not to have to talk to her !

justanothermanicmonday1 · 19/06/2023 13:29

starrynight21 · 19/06/2023 13:27

Yes, I've ended one this year. We'd been friends for many decades , and I would have bet that the friendship would have lasted forever. But last year she married a really odd man who lives and breathes conspiracy theories - and these horrible things have rubbed off on her. She constantly tries to make me understand that these things are genuine , and I can't argue with her.

I've had enough, so I've more or less ghosted her. Nothing dramatic, I just stopped returning her messages and emails. She doesn't live near me, so there is no question of running into her. It's such a relief not to have to talk to her !

Has she tried to message you to ask if you're ok etc? Xx

NBLarsen · 19/06/2023 13:45

I have both ended friendships and I have been friend-dumped, but on no occasions (on either side) has it been the result of a big blow up or anything dramatic.
On my part, I actively chose to stop investing time and effort into friendships that had become a negative experience for me. Once you make the choice to do it, it's surprising easy to follow through.
What is it that you feel guilty about? Is your friend(s) reliant on you for support, something else?

OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 13:49

I did. He was a toxic person and we had an unhealthy relationship for years which if he'd been my partner, I think most people would have said it was an abusive relationship.

I don't doubt that he thinks I was unreasonable, oversensitive and being a 'bit mental' since that was his gas-lighting style and exactly what he suggested when I ended the friendship.

Tidsleytiddy · 19/06/2023 14:32

AllThatTwitters · 19/06/2023 13:13

Yep I’ve also been unpaid counsellor to a friend who I am currently keeping my distance from. I worry about what signals I put out, because people like this seem to make a beeline towards me!

I think do what is most comfortable for you, if that is the slower creating distance thing then that’s okay.

Yep. Self centred, self centric. Was trapped for over 10 years in this constantly thinking of the right answers to give. Didn’t give a shit about me and my life, just wanted a sounding board. Didn’t know how to conduct a friendship. Just assumed you pestered the person to death and fuck what they might be doing. It was honestly relentless.

AllThatTwitters · 19/06/2023 14:49

Tidsleytiddy · 19/06/2023 14:32

Yep. Self centred, self centric. Was trapped for over 10 years in this constantly thinking of the right answers to give. Didn’t give a shit about me and my life, just wanted a sounding board. Didn’t know how to conduct a friendship. Just assumed you pestered the person to death and fuck what they might be doing. It was honestly relentless.

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What do you think kept you in the friendship, was it hope that it would improve? For me it’s the inner pressure to be making new friends, even if they are the wrong friends. It’s silly….but I’m working on it.

OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 14:56

AllThatTwitters · 19/06/2023 14:49

What do you think kept you in the friendship, was it hope that it would improve? For me it’s the inner pressure to be making new friends, even if they are the wrong friends. It’s silly….but I’m working on it.

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I'm not that poster obviously but the reason I stayed in the toxic friendship I was in was fear of loneliness.

I knew they were no use at all if I really needed anything but they were a 'fairweather friend' that I could count on most of the time (on their terms) for nights out, laughs, daily texts and a holiday companion.

But there was always some price to pay for that, particularly on holiday. So I stopped being scared about being on my own and decided being on my own 100% of the time was better than having a companion for some events who also really detrimentally effected my MH most of the time.

And that was a 20 year, very enmeshed friendship and 3 years on from ending it, I can honestly say my life is so much better without them. Even if I don't have someone to go on holiday with.

Tidsleytiddy · 19/06/2023 14:59

I was trapped because I had to work at the same place for years. I needed the job. My time there was made an utter misery. Def not the need for friends. Very much a loner. This person was incredibly needy so it was a real clash and I found it too draining to have someone like that in my life. I’m one of a long list of people who had enough and cut contact.

ofcourseitispet · 19/06/2023 15:00

I don’t think there needs to be any kind of confrontation or official “end”. Just always be busy/unavailable when they want to see you (or if I'm reading your post right want something from you!) and let it fizzle out

I tried this, but it was with a 40 year friendship. It was cowardly of me. So I did eventually address it.

I ended the friendship as I realised I didn't like the friend anymore. She validated herself to others through our friendship and treated other people awfully. I reflected on our dynamic down the years and realised I couldn't relate to her anymore. I offered to help her if there was anything driving the poor treatment of others, but it was essentially just her personality. Have never regretted it

Tidsleytiddy · 19/06/2023 15:02

Best thing I’ve done for me in a long time. Daresay there’ll be more texts because a reply is expected but I’m standing firm and I’m loving the freedom

OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 15:03

OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 14:56

I'm not that poster obviously but the reason I stayed in the toxic friendship I was in was fear of loneliness.

I knew they were no use at all if I really needed anything but they were a 'fairweather friend' that I could count on most of the time (on their terms) for nights out, laughs, daily texts and a holiday companion.

But there was always some price to pay for that, particularly on holiday. So I stopped being scared about being on my own and decided being on my own 100% of the time was better than having a companion for some events who also really detrimentally effected my MH most of the time.

And that was a 20 year, very enmeshed friendship and 3 years on from ending it, I can honestly say my life is so much better without them. Even if I don't have someone to go on holiday with.

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And to add to this: it wasn’t that I didn't have other friends. I did. Just not other friends that didn't have DC and could go on holidays etc and have regular and also unplanned nights out.

AllThatTwitters · 19/06/2023 15:03

OrcasFree · 19/06/2023 14:56

I'm not that poster obviously but the reason I stayed in the toxic friendship I was in was fear of loneliness.

I knew they were no use at all if I really needed anything but they were a 'fairweather friend' that I could count on most of the time (on their terms) for nights out, laughs, daily texts and a holiday companion.

But there was always some price to pay for that, particularly on holiday. So I stopped being scared about being on my own and decided being on my own 100% of the time was better than having a companion for some events who also really detrimentally effected my MH most of the time.

And that was a 20 year, very enmeshed friendship and 3 years on from ending it, I can honestly say my life is so much better without them. Even if I don't have someone to go on holiday with.

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Fear really is a bad advisor isn’t it. The fear of loneliness has/is a factor for me too. But the friendship where you’re not “seen” is, as you say, much more lonely.

I have a friend who huffs with me if I don’t stay in enough contact (note that we are in our late 40s!) and I often get a rush of anxiety when I see a message from her, feels like I’m a child in trouble. It really can affect your MH.

Missedmytoe · 19/06/2023 15:08

Yes, quite a long time ago. It was a George who lived overseas that I had for to know via a penpal agency and we'd been in contact for 8 or so years. Over time she got more and more odd, telling me she wasn't happy at work, but couldn't tell me why. Then the same thing with her local friends, then issues with her family, but every time I asked, she'd say she didn't want to talk about it. She used to finish conversations with, " I will understand if you want to cut contact with me", and in the end I did. I did write to her (life usual means of contact) and say why.
I hope she's since resolved whatever it was but I found it too draining.

Sugarfree23 · 19/06/2023 15:13

I have twice, both times just stepped back and stopped putting in any effort. Waited for them to contact me.
One pissed me of by arranging to go out on a Saturday night, and she tried to fill that obligation by meeting for a walk in a park at 6pm - not exactly what I'd call a Saturday night out. I'd accidentally left some jewellery at hers, a few weeks earlier I made arrangements to collect and I knew I'd never see her again when I walked back out the door.