Have you ever ended a friendship?

[Trainsplanesandfeet]

And if so why?

Have you ever been the friend who this was done to and how did you feel/did you think it was a reasonable response by the person who ended contact with you?

I need to create some boundaries for myself around friendships that are only one way/not bringing me joy but I feel so guilty about it.

*a friend, not a George
No idea wtf is wrong with autocorrect

Been on both ends - all just fizzling out, never a scene or a final confrontation.

People change over time (I'm 59) - they get worse and they get better. With a fizzle, maybe in the future the friendship can be restored if people improve.

I do reflect on the ones where they walked away from me. I know what I did. I learn from it.

100%. We both had no DC and had been so close for years, he was a gay man and me a straight woman but in the friendship group we started in, it was lots of couples and me and him were considered another couple in a way.

And all those single person with no DC fears of dying alone were mitigated by thinking we'd always be in each others lives so they would always be someone to care.

And it was immense fun for over a decade when we were part of a big group going on holidays, to festivals and nights out and then when the couples got married and had kids and all the holidays and festivals etc didn't happen anymore we still had each other and that was great for a few years.

But funny, attention-seeking, outrageous, bitchy, possessive gay man seems cool in your 20s. When you're in your 40s, he just seems like a nasty controlling bitter man.

By the end it was like every clichéd abusive relationship where we didn't like each other anymore but were clinging on because of the past good memories, because it was familiar and because I was scared to be on my own.

The last time I saw him was my birthday and he slapped me in the face twice. And that wasn't the 1st or 2nd time but it had got so toxic for so long, that was the last straw among many other nasty, abusive occurrences. For context, he did it in a drag-queen 'how dare you say that?' pseudo jokey way so he could say it was just a joke/banter so I STILL sometimes think did I overreact? Typical for abusive relationships and also, that was just the physical abuse stuff, there was lots of emotional abuse and gaslighting for the last few years too.

Long post but...TLDR is my life is so much better without him and if fear of being alone or upsetting someone or being alone is the only thing keeping you in a friendship, then it's already not a real friendship ❤️

Yes, ended two.

first one she pursued someone I was getting into a relationship with. First time I followed the ‘girls code’ and blamed him. Second time I dumped her. I gave no explanation.

second one we were drifting and I was changing. I’ve later realised she was like Peggy in Normal People- close and kind to my face. Bitchy and manipulative when I wasn’t there, for years before.

she left the country which made it easy to fade her out. A few months later I sent a ‘you need things from me I can’t give and vice versa’ email.

before either of those I was dumped by a close friend. It was brutal. Never got an explanation though I realised several years later it was a combination of things: envy from her, her feeling I’d let her down. Second maybe was true.

But I also realised a long time after that in the period just after we graduated she was still living rent free in her parents well located Town house. I was struggling to make ends meet renting (parents lived miles away and were in no position to support). In that privilege way I don’t think she considered at all how thought things were for me during that time and how maybe that contributed to some of my disorganisation and letting her down occasionally.

She moved away and we’re still in the same big loose group of friends. A decade one she seems pissed off others are still close to me but that’s her problem

Both .

A former friend ghosted me because she couldn't stand my partner - she was right but she kept pressing me to leave and I wasn't ready . I did leave him but on my terms , friend always a bossy type and had no time for nonsense , I was sad but got over it .

Another friend I ended the friendship- she was extremely wealthy and her husband divorced her due to some addiction issues- she leant very heavily on me , which was fine but I was rapidly becoming her carer and personal assistant. The crunch came when she asked me to move in with her but the houses she was looking to buy were well out of my budget with swimming pools etc . She basically wanted to buy something and use my wage to run it since she had no income . I said no because I genuinely felt it was a disaster waiting to happen and she went ape shit at me , he also had caused a rift with another of my friends whom I had introduced her to and had become friends with independently of me , she lied to that friend saying I'd bitched about her when I truly had t .

That did it for me . I just went no contact and left her to it . I ost my mutual friend due to her . I couldn't stand the toxicity any more and she showed her true colours when I refused to do something she wanted - she actually told me she couldn't speak to me for a while and would let me know when she felt she could tolerate my presence in her life again !

I was like on yer bike mrs ! Now I'm much more choosy with friendships.

Yep, was flaked on one too many times.
They didn’t come to my wedding before that or even ask about it.
Figured out it was all one-sided, had enough, just blocked them on everything. That was 10 years ago, was friends for 17 years before that.

Yes - a few years back I had a really 'full on' friend who never got the hint about boundaries I tried to set. She accused me of shutting her out, but I just needed space. I feel a bit bad about it because she was essentially harmless, but I had actually confronted her about respecting my wishes and not pushing things and she still didn't listen, just laughed in my face and repeated the behaviour. So in the end, I decided to cut ties. I do hope she is ok nowadays.

Wow, thanks for sharing that story. Physically assaulting you in a manner that you can be told that it was all just humour/irony and you’ve no right to be upset about it - that seems to me the essence of narc abuse. Glad you are away from that situation.

Yes, earlier this year. She had started a new business and I had given her some work. She contracted out to a person who was rude and obnoxious to me in my home, so I told him to mind his manners. He walked off the job and she told me I had been massively unreasonable, and that I needed therapy to look into why I had a problem with men.
I told her to suck it.

I have done this recently. A very good friend we used to see each other almost every day. He became very unwell mentally. I was the one that visited him everyday (at a huge financial cost as I couldn't work ) when he was allowed out I and another friend cleaned his house ( we had no idea how I'll he had been nothing jas been touched for months)

Fast forward to now. He become an alcoholic. Being really abusive to me and about me to everyone that sees him.

I needed to protect myself mentally.

I had backed off but was still friendly with him meeting only as a group etc.

Last week he was abusive and made a massive scene in a bar I go to

He's now blocked on every medium. He's saying awful things about me to everyone we know. I'm at peace with it. He's toxic I have nothing left to give

I'm happier now

Several years ago I had a bit of a purge of my contacts list removing several people who were increasingly adding very little to my life, if not being actively negative. I used to be terribly nostalgic and held onto a number of 'friendships' due to the fact I had known these people a very long time. For the best part they had become emotional drains, did not really give a shit about me, only got in touch when they needed favours (as opposed to contacting me to arrange a catch up meeting). As others have alluded to I just let things slide rather then make some big statement. Stopped making the effort that was largely one way anyway and focused my energies on those people who were genuine friends. The acid test for me was 'if I met this person today would I actually want to be friends with them' and sadly quite a few failed the test. Just because you went to school or uni with someone a long time ago does not mean they can't become twats later in life.

I had a friend of over 25 years just say she didn’t want to be friends anymore.
we had all been away on weekends together she came to my daughter’s wedding. Then that was that. I hadn’t heard from her for a while and I popped round to see if she was ok. I was met with rudeness and spiteful mess no real explanation.
I was so upset I came home and sobbed.
fast forward … 6 months! I recently had to get a repeat prescription from my doctors (friend works there) whilst I was on the phone to my GP I asked what was in my notes from previous appointment. I had been told by the friend who worked at the Gp dome confidential information and I told my GP. I wouldn’t give her name but asked if the staff could be more careful regarding this type of situation. This was written on my notes and the audit trail led to my so called friend reading my notes!

I never said her name but evidently the Gp did their internal investigation and obviously must have spoken to her.
She cannot talk to me about it because she shouldn’t have done it! I don’t need a friend like that!

Twice. Once I texted to say I couldn't do it any more, it was very toxic and chipping away at my mental health.
The other time I just stepped back. It broke my heart but I couldn't forget what she did. We exchanged a couple of messages but it faded away quite quickly.

Thanks all.

Mostly these describe why people left friendships and some are very extreme so entirely understandable.

Less are saying how they felt as the friend that was dropped for want of a better term.

Yes I worry about this friend who relies on me quite a lot (emotionally but also practically) but also I hate the thought of hurting her.
On the other hand she is very selfish and I am realising I get very little from the friendship yet seem to give an awful lot and am becoming resentful.

Yes I've walked away from 2 friendships both in the last 3 years. One was one I ended up being friends with as part of a bigger group and she just ended up taking over. Some days, I would hear from her more than anyone else in my life and we weren't even close. I tried to distance but didn't work so left the group. Still friendly if we bump into each other but rarely do. No regrets at all , was finding it time consuming and draining.

The second we just fell out of touch, she didn't make much effort so when I stopped, it just fizzled out.

I've lost 2 former friends, and I'm sad about both in different ways.

The first we started drifting apart when she got with her now-husband. I have nothing against him but we didn't really click and I felt she was very focussed on fitting in with his friends/family/lifestyle which I wasn't part of. When it was just us it was lovely but when any of his friends/family were there she ignored me. In hindsight I'm sure this wasn't intentional but at the time it was hurtful. She then got pregnant on honeymoon while I had been trying for years and I found it hard. I regret not being there for her when she had the baby and I'm sad that our friendship ended. It coincided with me moving away and I'd like to think if I'd stayed in the same town we would have made up, but it won't happen now. She was my bridesmaid and my best friend and I miss what we had, but we're different people now.

The 2nd totally blindsided me. I thought we were close and then one day she accidentally texted me a really nasty message slagging me off, clearly intended for someone else. When I called her out on it, instead of apologising she went off on a rant of things I'd done to upset her in previous years that she'd never once mentioned. I'm sad at the loss of this friendship too but have no desire to ever speak to her again. She lives in Australia so I'm pretty sure I never will!

I was dumped by a friend of 30 years. She called me out on something I’d neglected to do with her. This was so anxiety provoking and I was so sorry I’d hurt her. In calling me out she sent me a nasty message which shocked me, I was appalled at my actions but also felt ashamed and humiliated. Her message made me feel very small like she’d knocked me down by a million pegs.

She then blocked me on everything, phone, FB, Insta and email. It was surreal I felt sick realising the platforms of communication she’d blocked me on.

I was very upset and tearful for a few days and felt very low. I felt terribly guilty as I’d always sought her approval during our friendship. It was weird when other people were nice to me, I would look at them askance because I thought I was a terrible person. I couldn’t accept that other friends or colleagues couldn’t see right through me, that I was rotten to the core. I went down a really weird route mentally, not suicidal but that I was not worthy of being alive.

To my utter shame I reached out to one of her friends who was usually effusively pleasant when I’ve met her. She sent me a blunt message stating I’d really upset my friend and that I’d had the same treatment from another friend in the past which I was really upset at. I just slunk off to lick my wounds at this point!

Theres not much risk of me bumping into this ex friend which is a relief because I have a feeling she’d dash off laughing like a hyena. She used to get the giggles with nerves.

Over the intervening months I’ve had the odd nightmare about her. I was fortunate to change jobs which allowed me time to analyse my actions. A few months after I found my anger and this has been my saving grace. Never again will anyone make me feel unworthy of being alive and walking this earth.

I can now look back on the laughs we had with pleasure. I don’t wince when I catch myself thinking she’d like something I’ve seen. I’m investing in other, less dramatic friendships now. And I pity her regarding the friend she’s close to now, who sent me the message claiming to know how I felt about a ‘similar’ incident in my past.

I’m still embarrassed as she will have been truly vile about me to others. Luckily we don’t have many friends in common.

A bewildering aspect of this is that she still has a lot of my family on her FB and will pass comment on things they post!!

Anyway that’s how I reacted, however I was called out with a passive aggressive message on a Sunday night when I was getting into bed so this may have something to do with my extreme reaction.

I know I’ll get over it because I’ve been through other difficult times in my life and I’m here to tell the tale.

I hope you are okay, I’m sorry I don’t have any advice on how to extricate yourself from a friendship without potential volcanic fallout 🙈

I was ghosted by a relatively new friend about 18 months ago, met her on here actually, ironically from a thread about having no friends!

We met up 2-3 times per year, didn't regularly speak or text though. I then met a fella, and shortly after that she blocked me! I'm assuming it was because I'd met someone, as I've no idea what I could possibly have done to receive such treatment.

I thought many times of trying to make contact, but I'm at the age (old) now that I cannot be arsed with this kind of shit, I didn't deserve the way it was done, so that's that!

@Trainsplanesandfeet

yes with everyone that voted brexit as it showed any friendship we had was superficial and we had nothing in common.

I have a few friendships that have ended, that were very close and we now see each other either rarely or never that I don't feel there was a deliberate end to - they just fizzled out. To be fair it could have been the other party(s) pulling away form the friendship deliberatly and I don't know it! I think that's what you need to aim for here.

It doesn't seem that this person cares about your feelings, so try to keep that in mind if they put pressure on!

Friends can have different viewpoints to you otherwise you are acting like a dictator.

Your issue is you have very little sense of your own self worth and value.

You are being used by a selfish person, but worried about them.

That is sad.

It sounds like you are a doormat and that is not good.

Get some counselling to help you find some self respect.

It is not a good characteristic to not love and value yourself.

If you want good healthy relationships with both sexes, you need to love and value yourself first.

This friend is a cockroach, they always survive.

She will find another person to use.

My best friend of nearly 30 years ghosted me for 8 years because I fell pregnant when she was struggling with IVF (she already had one child as did I).

I lost my babies (twins) at 12 weeks.

Absolutely destroyed me losing her friendship.

Unknown god thats difficult so sorry. Finding my friendships weird nobody commits now. I gave up suggesting dates. Feel people got pure flakey. So it drifts eventually