Daughter arrested

[Alwaystoblame]

Some might recognise my username from my long thread about Dd. She's 16 and been arrested for theft. There's cctv. 4am ffs. She lives with her feckless father. I'm so angry with him. I'm at the police station waiting to see the custody sergeant and see what's what. She's been arrested with a group of others and will be bailed or charged and wait for a court date. She's been failed by so many professionals to date and SS have only just closed her file. I knew something like this would happen but nobody would listen. She's vulnerable and naive and making poor choice after poor choice and I'm scared for her. She must be terrified. I'm not downplaying what she's done in any way before anyone says that. I'm shocked and upset and she must be too. Here for a handhold really and to vent. Her dad says he didn't know she was out all night. The police couldn't get hold of him at all. He's a disgrace to fatherhood.

With regards to social services, when it happened to me I was referred to Youth Offenders Team, who did a home visit, made a report which went to the police advising a police caution. Both myself and my parents cooperated 101% and there was no further input from either Youth Offenders or Social Services. I'm not sure if the Youth Offenders Team came under police or SS. However this was a long time ago, and neither myself nor anyone in the family had been known to services before, and I think it was clear we did not meet their remit.

Happy Birthday @Alwaystoblame . I hope you manage to have at least a bit of something nice today. You deserve a break.

Thank you. I've just spoken to an officer who has given me lots more information about the process now and what the possible outcomes might be. It was all rather whirlwind on Monday morning at the station. I'm not sure Dd understands and seemed so blasé about it. I wonder if school will let her do all her year 11 special events? She's behaved so badly it was a possibility she wouldn't get to attend prom etc.

Well engaging with the youth offending team is optional. If she doesn't want to then nothing happens. What kind of sister is this where you commit a crime and it's not an issue? Madness. She'll just think she can do it again and it won't matter.

Is she back living with you? Can you punish her? Really try to hammer home she has been left off lightly due to being her 1st time/ age and it wouldn't be like that a 2nd time (not sure if that is true but sure)

Bit cheeky calling her dad a list of names when you clearly can't manage her either......the reality is she's heading towards adulthood. You can both guide her but ultimately the.decisions she makes are up to her. She needs to be allowed to make mistakes and to learn from them and any consequences they bring with them are down to her.

I think it's a bit unfair to blame her dad for bring unable to do something you were also unable to do! Or social services come to think of it.
I don't know what the answer is but surely you should be working together not against each other.

I also believe that some people are just hard work and even the most competent and and dedicated parent can't always 'control' a child. Instead of looking for blame what solution do you suggest. What does your daughter believe is the problem?

I don't understand this thread. Honestly if you were waiting to see a custody sergeant about your DD and theft - who's first thought is 'must post on MN now' and in these circumstances who is worried about same DD missing out on Year 11 end of term stuff - I guess prom? - crazy.

Hi OP. First of all handhold. Regrettably I have been where you are now. Practically I would strongly recommend getting good legal advice as soon as is practical. The Police may well suggest that your daughter should come clean on everything fully and as quickly as possible. A solicitor will often advise differently. In terms of behaviour it can be very hard and exasperating and there may be some more difficult days to come. In my case I am not sure what worked. I got the best help I could- talking therapy and counselling was I think the most effective- understanding why DC was behaving was useful. Although at times uncomfortable as some of it discussed things we had done as parents. Keep trying. Keep working and do not give up. My DC just graduated and is about to start work in a professional job. They have grown up over the last few years substantially. This is not in anyway your fault OP. My DC had a good upbringing and on the whole I think we were good parents. Some kids just need more time and support. Please ignore those judgemental parents (there are many), who will point the finger at you or suggest your kid is just bad. All children have their moments.

I've seen far more serious threads being posted when you would have thought MN would be the last thing on anyone's mind (I still feel bad about one I reported, nothing came of it obviously because the poster was genuine but I honestly could not believe someone would be posting on MN in those circumstances... but I guess sometimes people need the support the forum can give because they are not directly involved).

And sorry but I also disagree about end of year stuff. I have issues with one of my sons and all I wanted was for him to have a normal life. Stick in at school, do normal things like go to prom. Think it's because you feel like if they just have that normality they would be happy and realise getting into trouble doesn't make them happy.

I've probably not explained it properly, sorry!

@Alwaystoblame my heart goes out to you. It is so hard when they reach an age where you can't actually make them do anything like work with support services. If it gives you any kind of hope, a woman I am friendly with had an absolute awful time with her son for years. And I mean she exhausted every avenue trying to help him and absolutely nothing worked, poor woman was on the edge of breakdown. For him, the change seemed to come when he left school. He got a job working as a landscaper and flourished. He'd been in trouble numerous times with the police, in fights, disappearing for days on end and now seems to have (mostly) got himself together (now 18).

Is school an issue? It's so hard for some teens. I absolutely hated school because I was bullied and I ended up making friends with the people who skipped it because I didn't want to go in, which then resulted in me starting drinking and smoking with them because I thought they were the only people who understood me and I wanted to fit in.

Out of curiosity, what is it your DD is actually blaming you for? What does she mean when she said it was all your fault?

@Aaaaandbreathe - point taken. I am still not sure about the 'posting in real time thing' but happy to be wrong. Hope things have improved for your son.

I remember your earlier thread OP and have no good or original advice to offer. You are already an amazing mother to her because you refuse to give up on her. She and DS are very lucky. One day your daughter will know it too.

I think if you've followed OP's other long-running thread about the last 2 years of this girl's behaviour and choices , etc, you're realise that OP has zero power over her when dad lets her do what she wants. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4557571-permanent-exclusion-how-do-i-find-a-new-school-that-will-take-an-excluded-child

Yes, he is much better (not perfect by any stretch but he's still a teen) and has been offered his first job so fingers crossed he continues to progress.

And thank you!