Would you want to know

[Sadtoday123]

DH has a friend. This friend has been caught cheating twice over the years by his wife. They are still together and she monitors his phone and is suspicious of him all the time. He boasted to DH that he is cheating again. If you were the wife would you want to know. I'm not friends with her

Cool. My only concern was that the cheater's your DH's friend, while you don't really know the wife, so the person standing to lose the most is your DH.

As he rightly doesn't care if he loses this friendship, there's no good reason not to tell. DH could do it, you could tell her together, you could stage a couples intervention, whatever works for you two.

I'm so confused. Some say tell some don't she must suspect or not trust to be checking

There’s a habit on these threads of believing that a betrayed woman can always think straight and pragmatically. The idea that ‘she knows and is just pretending not to’ that’s often so far from the truth.

When someone has been cheated on their brain reacts very similarly to those with PTSD. They simply can’t get out of mind movies, obsessive thoughts, hypervigilance (phone checking/ sm checking), they simply can’t think straight, and they cling so hard to who they believe their loved one is, they are traumatised and that can take 2-5 years to heal from IF they get away from the source of the trauma OR the cheat is 100% fixated on healing them and themselves. This woman is stuck with an unremorseful cheat who will be gaslighting her, blameshifting and sneaking around her anxiety will be through the roof. She is a VICTIM here, not a fool who just doesn’t want to see what’s in front of her or who knows deep down. Yes you could argue she should have left but she’s at the end of a highly manipulative man by all accounts.

Yes she’s probably checking because she doesn’t trust him but the layers underneath that are far more complex than some are saying on here. Trauma does terrible things to our brains.

I would expect my husband to ask his friend not to share such things with him, But what you'd expect friend's wife to do (even if she wanted, which I doubt after staying with him twice previously) - her husband could say he was joking, and she will be left gaslighted by him as she doesn't have any prove, and yes, she probably will be upset with you, not him. Can you personally be sure he cheated except taking his word for it? If not, I would stay out of it

I wouldn't go out of my way to tell someone who'd stayed with her husband despite catching him cheating twice. You can't help people who won't help themselves. If she's a good friend, maybe, but in that case I'd have already given her some plain-talking advice on the previous occasions.

In this case the OP's husband wants to tell, and doesn't care what happens to the friendship, so - let him! Not sure why the OP needs to be involved at all aside from to advise and support her husband while he does the telling.

I wouldn't go out of my way to tell someone who'd stayed with her husband despite catching him cheating twice. You can't help people who won't help themselves. If she's a good friend, maybe, but in that case I'd have already given her some plain-talking advice on the previous occasions

I agree. She's fully aware of his previous patterns of behaviour and its not my job to police anyone's relationship or interfere. I might feel differently if it was the first time he'd cheated and I knew it was an absolute deal breaker for my friend but in this scenario I doubt this knowledge would change anything anyway. He's cheated twice and she's forgiven him. I dont see the point of telling her- she's already aware that this is his "pattern".

Sometimes we think we want to know, I thought I would but when actually confronted with the complete implosion of your family, your world and your children’s world shattering, not having any support or family the reality is completely different.

Stay out of other people's relationships unless you're close to them, and even then tread with extreme caution.

When someone has been cheated on their brain reacts very similarly to those with PTSD. ... This woman is stuck with an unremorseful cheat who will be gaslighting her, blameshifting and sneaking around her anxiety will be through the roof. She is a VICTIM here, not a fool. ... Trauma does terrible things to our brains.

Very well said, @Susieb2023

Tough one, years ago I worked in a supermarket alongside my bf, he was cheating on me and turns out everyone we worked with knew, including two of my best friends, once we split it came out my friends knew and I left the job and faded away from those friends, I was so hurt that no one in the whole place told me

One of dhs friends has cheated on his wife multiple times, I know of 3 for definite and rumours of others. She knows about two of them and I think if I knew he was cheating again I wouldn't tell her, she's stayed at least twice and I don't see her leaving so what's the point

I would want to know because I have zero tolerance for cheating and would get rid