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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you want to know

85 replies

Sadtoday123 · 19/06/2023 06:54

DH has a friend. This friend has been caught cheating twice over the years by his wife. They are still together and she monitors his phone and is suspicious of him all the time. He boasted to DH that he is cheating again. If you were the wife would you want to know. I'm not friends with her

OP posts:
ripplingwater · 19/06/2023 08:14

Hiddenvoice · 19/06/2023 07:38

I had a friend who had cheated on his fiancée twice. We thought she knew but turns out she only knew about one of the times. I caught him cheating again. He was also very flirty and overfamiliar with me which my dh and I didn’t like.
My dh called him out on everything and I met with his fiancée to gently tell her. She was rightfully hurt and angry.
The next day we were blocked and deleted. Turns out she blames me for ruining her happiness and claims I was jealous and trying to steal him for myself.
I’m glad I told her and she has all the facts but also sad about losing a friend.

Sadly, this has been my experience too. Its text book cognitive dissonance. Its far easier to believe women are chasing after your partner than to admit to yourself he's a cheating lying bellend who cant keep it in his pants. I feel so sad for these women, they cant live in denial forever and they'll only end up in the same situation over and over again.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 19/06/2023 08:16

I'd be genuinely interested to know how many of the ones saying not to tell her have actually ever been cheated on themselves? Not a criticism in any way, I just wonder if that's the split here? Having been on the receiving end of a cheating lying bastard, for me having others know but feel quietly sorry for me and keep out of it just added piles to the massive humiliation I already felt. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't want to know, but is that just because of my perspective?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/06/2023 08:20

Everyone always says they would want to know.

But the messenger always, always, get shot.

ThisIsACoolUserName · 19/06/2023 08:20

Yes I'd want to know.
But there's no way I'd ever tell anyone that their partner was cheating.
It's nothing to do with me and doesn't impact my life, so I'd always keep my nose out.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/06/2023 08:21

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 19/06/2023 08:16

I'd be genuinely interested to know how many of the ones saying not to tell her have actually ever been cheated on themselves? Not a criticism in any way, I just wonder if that's the split here? Having been on the receiving end of a cheating lying bastard, for me having others know but feel quietly sorry for me and keep out of it just added piles to the massive humiliation I already felt. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't want to know, but is that just because of my perspective?

Well, several people on this thread have shared stories of the the cheatee being told, and it ending the friendship, making them suicidal, etc. So….

ripplingwater · 19/06/2023 08:21

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 19/06/2023 08:16

I'd be genuinely interested to know how many of the ones saying not to tell her have actually ever been cheated on themselves? Not a criticism in any way, I just wonder if that's the split here? Having been on the receiving end of a cheating lying bastard, for me having others know but feel quietly sorry for me and keep out of it just added piles to the massive humiliation I already felt. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't want to know, but is that just because of my perspective?

I agree with you, I would want to know too. But, having told someone this, I got criticised for it and then blocked, so I guess some people dont appreciate it. When this happens, it makes you feel quite wary of doing it again.

Alcemeg · 19/06/2023 08:28

I'm always in favour of people knowing the truth. Whether they can handle it or not is down to them.

TheAverageJoanne · 19/06/2023 08:31

My friend told me they knew my ex had cheated on me years before but only after I'd dumped him. I was furious. I don't understand the ostrich mindset of women who don't want to know. It's delusional.

TheAverageJoanne · 19/06/2023 08:35

Hiddenvoice · 19/06/2023 07:38

I had a friend who had cheated on his fiancée twice. We thought she knew but turns out she only knew about one of the times. I caught him cheating again. He was also very flirty and overfamiliar with me which my dh and I didn’t like.
My dh called him out on everything and I met with his fiancée to gently tell her. She was rightfully hurt and angry.
The next day we were blocked and deleted. Turns out she blames me for ruining her happiness and claims I was jealous and trying to steal him for myself.
I’m glad I told her and she has all the facts but also sad about losing a friend.

I think you're better off without them both. She's flaky/controlled/delusional/weak (delete as appropriate) not qualities I'd want in my friends. They're gaslighting themselves.

Dery · 19/06/2023 09:00

The truth is there is no single right answer to this. Some people would want to be told. Some wouldn’t. But your DH is in favour of telling her and he’s the one who might lose a friend as a result. Could he be the one to tell her, perhaps? Or make clear to his friend that he will tell her?

Original poster
Sadtoday123 · 19/06/2023 09:16

That's a very good idea I'll ask him later

OP posts:
philautia · 19/06/2023 09:26

Why? So she can "forgive" him again yet increase the monitoring? What is the point of telling her? She knows what he is and is still suspicious otherwise she wouldn't be checking his phone. Also, you have no evidence, just hearsay.

retinolalcohol · 19/06/2023 11:54

In my experience the messenger is always shot in these situations. I told someone who I had considered a close friend what I knew about her partner. She stopped speaking to me and stayed with him.

If she's aware he's cheated before and has stayed with him, in all likelihood she'll stay with him yet again. The only thing that will have changed is that you're the bad guy and it's awkward for your partner.
With all things considered, as she's not your close friend, I would stay out of it

BigPussyEnergy · 19/06/2023 11:54

i know two women whose husbands have cheated and they were told by anonymous letter/message. It was horrific as they were unable to check any facts, or get any other info, just presented with this half-info and left to deal with it alone.

if you’re going to tell her please at least have the courage and decency to let her know how you know and allow her an opportunity to fact check with you to make sure it’s not some sick prank.

You only have to search previous threads on here to see that an anonymous message can be passed off as revenge or a prank and in desperation not to split up the woman accepts that bullshit as she has no way of knowing any more. But she’ll be driven crazy wondering who it was, and how many other people know etc

Shes not your friend so you don’t even need to worry about losing her, and if your H is happy to lose his friend too then just be open and honest with her. Then at least she can decide what she wants to do.

Puppers · 19/06/2023 12:02

If this was the first infidelity that you and DH knew about then I'd say tell her. But she already knows he's a cheat so I'm not sure what is to be gained from getting involved. She knows she can't trust him, she knows he's not faithful, she knows his marriage vows mean sod all to him. What can you tell her that she doesn't honestly already know? You're just going to plonk yourself right in the middle of the drama. If she's not chucked him out after 2 affairs, she's not realistically going to do it now.

I'd be waaaay more concerned about why my husband was keeping company like this. It's very immature, laddish, deeply sexist behaviour to be routinely cheating on your wife and bragging about it. Why would he think your husband would be impressed by that? Why is your husband friends with men like this?

rainbowstardrops · 19/06/2023 12:07

I'd want to know. I'd be pretty pissed off if others knew and didn't tell me. How humiliating!

Bookworm20 · 19/06/2023 12:09

I would tell her. he is boasting about it. Likely because he has gotten away with it before.

And you don;'t know the ins and outs of the first 2 times. Maybe she stayed because he managed to talk his way out of it - how it won't happen again, how he was tricked, how he was so drunk and he doesn't remember, or how he was setup. We really don't know what crap he has fed her that she has stayed. He likely planted enough doubt snd she didn't have enough evidence so gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe this time, she'll realise and get rid of him. Or she may forgive again.

Either way, she deserves to make that choice. I couldn't hold onto information that could potentially alter the course of someones life, or take away their choices of what to do (as her delightful husband is doing - robbing her of potentially years of happiness with someone else by lying to her).

Alcemeg · 19/06/2023 12:17

To be honest, if I told someone and they "shot the messenger" I wouldn't be sorry that they were no longer in my life.

uhOhOP · 19/06/2023 12:24

I'm surprised we haven't had "not my circus not my monkeys" yet from all of these people so convinced they'd stay out of it.

I, too, am interested to know how many of the people who say this have experienced the humiliation of other people knowing your partner is cheating on you and nobody at all feeling like maybe they should actually tell you.

MMmomDD · 19/06/2023 12:26

thing is - she didn’t leave before. She won’t leave now. She won’t completely believe it - he’ll make sure of it. Especially if its anonymous. Or - she’ll want proof which you don’t have.
He may have been boasting because He is an idiot and wanted a macho ego boost.

Nothing good will come out of it - only she’ll he more hurt.

And your H will be angry at you too.

If she were a friend - different story.

2bazookas · 19/06/2023 12:38

I'd get DH to tell his friend " it turns out our wives know each other and mine is going to tell yours".

It's a lie, but the creep deserves it.

Daffodil18 · 19/06/2023 14:56

Even though I’ve been through being cheated on, I’m not sure I would tell in this situation because her DH will just say it was a joke. There are no facts to report. If you find out more then tell her. She deserves to know the truth whether she stays with him or not but right now you don’t have anything to really tell her.

Turfwars · 19/06/2023 16:24

I actually wouldn't bother.
She's forgiven him twice before and will forgive him again when she finds out this time around.

You'll only bring grief on yourself and it'll be for nothing.

Gracewithoutend · 19/06/2023 16:47

Sadtoday123 · 19/06/2023 07:49

DH has just read these and thinks we should tell. He doesn't care about loosing the friend

Shouldn't that be, "he should tell"? Why are you being included?

Epidote · 19/06/2023 17:52

TheAverageJoanne · 19/06/2023 07:12

Why would you resent the person who told you @Epidote ?

Show quote history

Because there is a sentence that says "don't kill the messenger". Usually the one who gives the news that doesn't want to be heard take the worst part on it.
In may case I wouldn't take it wrong if the person who tell my is in my inner circle but if the news come from someone that I barely knows I wouldn't be able to take it.

It is very difficult to hear what you don't want to know even if is true.