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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Let's talk dating apps...

74 replies

forfortiessake · 18/06/2023 22:58

So I'm a professional forty year old and a single parent. I've also just signed up to a couple of dating apps in the hope I might make a couple of good connections. I'm pretty content with life, but would be nice to meet someone to share my kid free time with. I used dating apps in my 30s but things have moved on since then. Now people voice note pretty regularly and it all feels so hot and cold... a couple of instances I've been voice noting back and forth over a day with someone and then don't hear back. Is this normal? I just didn't expect this from men in their mid/late 40s - early 50s. It seems impossible to actually make any meaningful connections that make it worth while making the effort to meet. Be great to hear other people's experiences xxx

OP posts:
Yupiknowhowthatfeels · 18/06/2023 23:37

Awful. You won't meet any decent guys on there. It's a cesspit
I've given up. Mid 40s F.

JerkintheMerkin · 19/06/2023 00:01

I'm 50 and have found that the dating pool is full of 10 day old piss with lumps of 💩 floating around in it. Best left alone these days.

Original poster
forfortiessake · 19/06/2023 06:30

Oh dear! The responses are as bleak as I assumed!

OP posts:
Meepme · 19/06/2023 06:48

@forfortiessake join the dating thread on mumsnet, somewhere on the relationship forum.

Personally I'm a similar age as you and I found men to have a lot of issues/not yet over exes and very unavailable. The trouble now is any tom/dick/Harry seems pretty deluded that they can get anyone so it's like a candy shop for men. You get a lot with baggage. Its not quite the same for both sexes as I believe a lot of women actually do the work on themselves before dating though I do know quite a few who are also a bit deluded and want their tall, handsome,rich man without bringing much themselves.

The only people I know who met decent partners are one woman (no kids) who did it for 5 years, 3 dates a week. The rest are men who also have their issues (ie they cheated early on) but met women reasonably easily.

Ladyofthelake53 · 19/06/2023 07:12

I found it soul destroying personally i wouldnt bother again. Too many oddballs and players

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/06/2023 07:47

It’s not that bad !!! But ive come off and and pausing after two years and one ‘situationship’ and a few flings

i don’t agree that they are all bad , but it’s hard work to needle out the good ones

IF I go back I’m going to have to have boundaries of steel , which isn’t my strong suit

I also agree with Personally I'm a similar age as you and I found men to have a lot of issues/not yet over exes and very unavailable

Rainydays777 · 19/06/2023 07:48

tried Hinge again recently, only to find it’s awash with low effort men who are only concerned with what’s in it for them, and how conveniently you’ll slot into their life…

Original poster
forfortiessake · 19/06/2023 08:24

@Meepme yes, this is definitely the feeling I get! The demands men put on their profile 'no filters, must work out, no drama etc etc' I never swipe on those guys! It is also hard to judge when someone is being a player and someone is being rude. In normal life I wouldn't think anything of someone not replying for 24 hrs. But on a dating app, you think 'has he just ghosted me or will be start speaking again in 24 hrs.'. Saying that my boundaries are MUCH stronger this time around. Minimal effort from them, then unmatch.

I've not actually been on any dates yet, so not sure the dating thread is for me? I need a pre dating dating thread haha xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
forfortiessake · 19/06/2023 08:24

@Rainydays777 I had high hopes for hinge but find it the worst of the lot!

OP posts:
Meepme · 19/06/2023 09:26

@forfortiessake the dating thread is for people just venturing into the world of online dating rather than in relationships. I think if you can use online dating as an option rather than the be all and end all, then thats perfect.

Every time i go on, i despair. I see less of the fish holding people and more reasonable looking blokes saying :

'only here from this date to that date - lets have fun'
ENM
frequent drinker
married - lets have fun/discreet fun

Sigh.

Nelly10 · 19/06/2023 11:36

I’ve dabbled not seriously though. It is abit depressing and funny at the same time. I don’t think I’ve come across one profile I’ve actually thought yeah they look/sound great. Most of these men think they can get models totally deluded without any effort of any message they want you to message them first all the time!

And don’t get me started on the bio’s Jesus don’t want much so they? I read one guys ‘I don’t want any fat chicks!’ Another saying ‘I want a woman who has her hair done, nails done full glamour look’ these men were looks wise well below par delusional as I said !

Meepme · 19/06/2023 11:44

@Nelly10 totally agree - plus actually if i think about it, i dont know a single super hot, decent bloke. Plus when im out, the women all seem well turned out but the men dont. So im always surprised that some men think they are all that!

Catzlife · 19/06/2023 12:49

I was single pretty much, apart from a flings, from 2004 up until this time last year. I’ve never logged into a dating site in my life. Just the thought of it makes me cringe. Maybe if enough women abandon online dating the blokes will stop fishing on them, the world can get back to normal again and people can start meeting eachother in real life situations once more.

Nelly10 · 19/06/2023 20:41

Also sorry but what’s going on with the poses with the massive fishes!???! Im
so confused 😂

who is advising these guys to do this 🙈

EBearhug · 19/06/2023 21:03

i don’t agree that they are all bad , but it’s hard work to needle out the good ones

This.

JenniferBooth · 19/06/2023 21:23

"Another saying ‘I want a woman who has her hair done, nails done full glamour look’"

Which costs money and yet i bet hes the type of man who also would expect the woman to go halves on the date

Jane881 · 19/06/2023 21:56

I'm 36 and have a daughter age 6. I was single 3 years. Went on and off Tinder. Was about to give up and matched with my partner. I've never been happier. We've been together 16 months. There's definitely alot of bad eggs on these site but not all! x

SpringCalling · 19/06/2023 22:07

I went on it at 52. The first man i chatted with and met I'm still with now. you never know!.

Nelly10 · 19/06/2023 22:12

It’s definitely a numbers game!

I just think more than half of these guys are asking for a lot, 2023 dating it is funny though.

sushiandsauvignon · 19/06/2023 22:17

I've been on and off the apps for about a year, have had boyfriends/situationships and regular dates in between from them. Yes there's some weirdos out there, but maybe I am good at filtering them out, and genuinely I've mostly had a lot of fun and met some lovely guys. It's worth a shot! Just obviously be sure you stay safe, early meets always in public and so on.

Although I do think the quality of men has taken a dive since I first started looking, I still like the apps as they fit in to my life. I don't generally meet single men in my day to day and don't have much free time as a single mum. Have tried speed dating but that was rubbish, and Meetup groups near me seem to be for a much younger crowd. So the apps are my best bet at meeting someone.

Livelifelaughter · 20/06/2023 11:03

Meepme · 19/06/2023 06:48

@forfortiessake join the dating thread on mumsnet, somewhere on the relationship forum.

Personally I'm a similar age as you and I found men to have a lot of issues/not yet over exes and very unavailable. The trouble now is any tom/dick/Harry seems pretty deluded that they can get anyone so it's like a candy shop for men. You get a lot with baggage. Its not quite the same for both sexes as I believe a lot of women actually do the work on themselves before dating though I do know quite a few who are also a bit deluded and want their tall, handsome,rich man without bringing much themselves.

The only people I know who met decent partners are one woman (no kids) who did it for 5 years, 3 dates a week. The rest are men who also have their issues (ie they cheated early on) but met women reasonably easily.

Completely agree. But unfortunately I don't think it's confined to dating apps. Lots of men in this age group - late 40s -50s have come out of long relationships which didn't function and either don't want commitment or can't function in a healthy relationship because for the last 25 years they haven't so you might get flowers and dinners and then are compartmentalised in their life. I really do think there's been a shift but I can't understand why or when it happened.

Meepme · 20/06/2023 12:50

@Livelifelaughter agree - also with the women who found partners, their new men had not had many partners previously plus no kids so no bad history there. With the men i noted, they are quite introverted in their own way and spent a small fortune on the apps hoping to meet someone. Eventually someone said yes. Perhaps it's this age group!

cassiatwenty · 20/06/2023 12:58

I found it easier to focus on a couple of people I met IRL than to deal with malicious playing games and dodgy people.

I don't like the apps because if you win, they lose a customer. Most of them are designed so you get addicted to them but don't have enough time to meet someone properly.

If you're in the process of healing, I'd focus on that. If you're ready for them, thick skin is a must I'm afraid.

Livelifelaughter · 20/06/2023 15:14

Meepme · 20/06/2023 12:50

@Livelifelaughter agree - also with the women who found partners, their new men had not had many partners previously plus no kids so no bad history there. With the men i noted, they are quite introverted in their own way and spent a small fortune on the apps hoping to meet someone. Eventually someone said yes. Perhaps it's this age group!

I think it's the age group. I met a guy IRL all flowers, dinners and intimacy until he felt everything was too much too fast...we are talking about booking a holiday after 8 months dating. Turned out in a 25 year marriage he only went on holidays with his friends so thought it was completely normal to do that... sorry I just find a lot of men want something a bit casual but don't want to say that because they don't think it's particularly classy....

Heytheredeliah · 20/06/2023 15:25

I found online dating to be absolutely dire. It's basically like shopping in a clearance section. There are very very few nice normal men on there.