Let's talk dating apps...

[forfortiessake]

So I'm a professional forty year old and a single parent. I've also just signed up to a couple of dating apps in the hope I might make a couple of good connections. I'm pretty content with life, but would be nice to meet someone to share my kid free time with. I used dating apps in my 30s but things have moved on since then. Now people voice note pretty regularly and it all feels so hot and cold... a couple of instances I've been voice noting back and forth over a day with someone and then don't hear back. Is this normal? I just didn't expect this from men in their mid/late 40s - early 50s. It seems impossible to actually make any meaningful connections that make it worth while making the effort to meet. Be great to hear other people's experiences xxx

Do they really think if they only show themselves from the neck down that their wives wont find out God men are thick

Problem is, they are also shit at sex.

This made me laugh out loud! (although you are 100% correct!)

OP, about 8 months ago I deleted all my OLD accounts after a couple of years realising that the OLD experience was actually skewing my perception of men, meaning I was staring to think all men were as shit as the average one you find on OLD. You know, it is actually not true. It is only that the worst of the worst of male humanity end up entrenched in OLD.

I am late 40s, very independent, professional, with my own money, my own career, my own house, fit and healthy and reasonably attractive. I have never met such a sorry bunch of humans as the ones I met OLDing. Yes, there were a small number of "normal" guys there, but the sheer amount of shit you need to trawl through to get to them means that, for me, it was simply not worth it. I am a person who is happy single and love my own company. Having to decide if I fancy someone I have just met does not work for me. Even when the good guys i met, the pressure of the artificial environment of OLD meant ther was no spark, and personally I am unable to "fabricate" a spark just because a guy ticks some boxes and seems not to be a deadbeat loser. So I left it all behind and I have never been happier.

Recently I met a man through my favourite activity (hiking) and massively enjoyed the process of "traditionally" meeting and getting to know someone without the artificial pressure of OLD. There was no obligation to decide straight away if we were interested, no need to see him again in 3 days time, no anxious wait for messages. As much time as we wanted to develop a friendship first. No boring endless dates over a beer. I so enjoyed the process of guessing whether or not we were friends or more. Both of us had to take the plunge and risk it, I had forgotten how exciting the "chase process" is when it happens organically,.

We have just started seeing each other romantically and I couldn't be happier with how everything is going, No idea how it will go in the future of if it will work out, but what this experience has shown me unequivocally is that I have zero desire to ever delve into the stinky abyss of OLD, ever again.

I fully understand this is not everyone's experience of OLD, and that I am very lucky I don't want to have children, so I have no "ticking clock" that makes having a relationship a priority for me. However, this is my experience, and I am sharing it in case it is of any help to you. Good luck whatever happens!

@aurynne great post, that's what i'm aiming to do. i find meeting people offline much more natural and organic. i believe how you meet and start chatting sets the tone for the rest of it. also offline you instantly know whether there's chemistry or not, less pressure. online (recently) just felt jarring in a way offline doesn't have to be

I appreciate everyone is allowed to want what they want but come on, use apps like Feeld or Fab! Where are those looking for something vaguely traditional!?

Well, mine was on Feeld, though neither of us was looking for an actual relationship.

@EBearhug it sounds like you were one of the exceptions here. I think my issue was just the huge numbers looking for casual within 'traditional sites' though I agree with pp, at least people are being honest. I wonder how many women on Bumble etc are actually specifying casual.

@aurynne I absolutely loved your post, it really struck a chord with me, especially about how it skews one's view of men. I find i generalise a lot about men from the experiences I've had with OLD however in real life, there are nicer men out there.

I used to hate it when they ask that question since I had it clearly on my profile I’m looking for a LTR / life partner.

I was extremely picky about dates. Very few men got one from me. I’m not someone who enjoys dates so I really vet men properly before meeting and most fail. Just takes a week or so for their true colours to come through. I have an old/second phone I use for OLD so none of them have my real number.

I had one who commented on what job I did (which is listed on my profile ) in the first conversation, then told me he was “in between jobs”. He usually worked in the same field as me. I suspect he was either trying to use me to get a job or even worse he was going to sponge off me.

I tried to keep an open mind but he then texted me at 1am once and when I didn’t reply until the next morning I could see he seemed moody about it so I unmatched. This kind of man was likely going to be a total drain on my life. Because he doesn’t have to get up to work he thinks it’s ok to strike up a conversation with someone he barely knows who does at 1am. also being on dating apps instead of focusing on finding a new job seemed irresponsible to me unless he can still afford to go out on dates. And no I’m not going 50/50 on first dates when as a woman I’ve put in more effort and expense to get ready.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too harsh but then I think of all the women on Mumsnet with terrible financially
abusive, lazy or deceitful partners who clearly ignored red flags and I continue holding my standards.

@aurynne ah this is a lovely story ! All the best with this and I hope it works out.

I agree it’s much better to meet men organically and if you are super young or don’t have any time pressure to meet one it makes far sense to do it in this way. It’s a shame that most men give little effort outside OLD nowadays. I still occasionally get approached but I think from it’s much less of a thing now. Even women much younger than me won’t get the experience I had of meeting men organically in my 20s . Partly because the way men are but also sometimes to be fair partly because of lifestyle. So many people WFH nowadays and are less likely to be stopping by a bar or restaurant for work drinks on a weeknight. more people shop online so less likely to meet a guy at the local bakers or supermarkets etc.

@aurynne great story and really happy for you! I was an avid hiker before my daughter came along and hope to get back into it at some point. @SoccerStars I agree, nobody bothers to strike up conversation when they're out anymore. As a single mother, who doesn't have time to go out much (I have my daughter 80% of the time) OLD is like window shopping for me at the moment. Annoyingly the people who I've spoken to on the phone a few times, where I think I can be bothered to go on a date then ghost me (I must have shit chat haha)! Have struck up a fun conversation with a handsome welsh man, which is ridiculous as I live in London! I think that probably shows my dedication to the cause...!

I think that's great, but.... honestly I have met IRL and I don't feel it's much better because they have done OLD and therefore seem to have picked up the characteristics associated with it. Also they are in the belief that it's an option which frankly it is.

The man I met has never been OLDing, he is not on Facebook (in fact he hates social media, and I find it so refreshing!). If I had been focusing only on OLD and finding dates I would never have met him. But I was happily by myself, not looking for anyone, and for my holiday I decided to organise a 2 week solo tramping trip to do some of the NZ Great Walks. Yes, we met by chance, but sometimes you have to let chances happen or directly engineer them. And by meeting how and where we met, I already knew he was a fit guy who loved multiday tramps and was not scared of travelling by himself... just like me. Which is much more reassuring than reading in a profile that someone "loves hiking" but then finding out that the last hike he did was walking 300 metres up the hill at the back of his house with his mum and dad for a picnic in 1984.

This sounds really good, and a great foundation for a relationship.

Ive dabbled three times.

First - ended up long term boyfriend (POF)
Second - short term fling with a singer in a band, total narcissist but my was he fine
Three - just met someone from Hinge who is lovely so far. Weirdly I bumped into him in person just after matching st the same concert...turns out we have lots in common!

I think there are very few rare gems. Sometimes you have to try then take a break if you don't meet anyone. I feel for you, it's tough out there.

I allow men a max of one phone call before they then need to ask me out or it ends right there. Multiple calls looks like wasting my time.

Wales? Ha - That’s nothing compared to how far I cast my net - was travelling in America once so I got lots of Hinge matches from there and even had phone chats with some of them 😂

I'm 48 and I met my partner on Tinder. I feel so lucky I agree there aren't many decent to choose from but when I gave up and decided I'd use it just to chat to different people and build my confidence he came along. I am grateful to dating apps because I'd never have met him otherwise. My sister met her boyfriend the same way...have faith if you can. Good luck.

Shit Weasel has made my day 😂

Interestingly, or maybe not so, I thought Tinder was a bit of a "casual" dating site but actually lots of people seem to meet there.

Interestingly, or maybe not so, I thought Tinder was a bit of a "casual" dating site but actually lots of people seem to meet there.

95%+ of women in their 40s use Tinder to find a relationship, not a shag. I know because I'm a 47 yo man on Tinder... For that demographic at least, it's not a hook-up site.

Controversially I find the more decent chat comes from men on Tinder or Bumble! Hinge was awful...!

Sorry to use this thread as a frustration station! But have realised how frustrating app dating is... have been chatting to a guy (actually chatted not just DM) all week! The chat was great and he messaged afterwards saying how nice it was etc etc! Now I just get weird 'morning beautiful' messages and nothing else. If I respond with a question I get very little back! If I don't respond he sends another ambiguous message later in the day 'thinking of you' but with no real substance! It's such a turn off and I can't be bothered anymore!

@forfortiessake hes trying to keep you interested while he looks at other options

Sorry but every time i see Hinge typed here i think of Hinge and Brackett You have to be of a certain vintage to get that one

@JenniferBooth I'll let him find the other options! So boring hahah! Every time I think of Hinge I think it should be called Unhinged!

Yes, this is one of the things that's so brutal about dating apps. The whole thing is geared towards multiple interactions,
most of which will lead down blind alleys ultimately even if they seem promising at first. I've experienced that myself, and I'm afraid been guilty of it too.