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Original poster

Boyfriend keeping me a secret

56 replies

Pollypocketed · 18/06/2023 18:41

Just that really. He lives in my area. He's bought a house here. He works here. He's about an hour away from his family and friends where he grew up. He had a ten-year relationship which finished around four years ago. She's since moved on and has a baby. I know he was upset when that relationship ended. He's had a one-year relationship since then and a series of flings. And then me. It's been about 8 months with me.
He hasn't told anyone in his family about me.
He's met my friends and more recently my DD.
It's as if he has two separate lives.
I have the key to his house. I leave my stuff there. We talk a lot on the phone/text and see each other a lot.
But he also goes home every couple of weeks to see his parents and his sister and her family. And his mates. They never come here.
I've asked him about it and his excuses have been: "I've been hurt", "I can't introduce my parents to another girlfriend yet because I've done it too many times", "I want to do things slowly and properly with you". We've talked about it a couple of times, but there doesn't seem to be a change.
I said the other day that we should just drop it if he's not up for investing. I can't be arsed with a "situationship" at my age... and it just makes me feel like he's somehow embarrassed about me or something.
We get on well. My friends say I should just see how things go and to stop stressing about it and enjoy it for what it is, but I'm not very good at that. I like to know someone is fully "into" me. He says he adores me. But why wouldn't he want to tell people about me?

OP posts:
Drummend01 · 18/06/2023 19:01

I do understand to an extent why he might be holding back, perhaps his family are quite full on and would start asking about marriage/babies, telling him ‘don’t mess this one up’ etc (I speak from experience). However if it is affecting you then you need to have a proper conversation about it, he wants to ‘do things properly’ but you need clarification of what that means. I’d ask him for a timeline, does he see introducing you to his family in the near future. Or does he have a specific milestone, like one year, before he wants to do that?

if he can’t have a open and honest conversation about that where he is clear with you, then I’m afraid you probably need to cut your losses and move on because he either isn’t committed to you like you are to him or he’s got quite deep issues stemming from his last relationships which he needs to work on first.

GreyCarpet · 19/06/2023 00:11

Drummend01 · 18/06/2023 19:01

I do understand to an extent why he might be holding back, perhaps his family are quite full on and would start asking about marriage/babies, telling him ‘don’t mess this one up’ etc (I speak from experience). However if it is affecting you then you need to have a proper conversation about it, he wants to ‘do things properly’ but you need clarification of what that means. I’d ask him for a timeline, does he see introducing you to his family in the near future. Or does he have a specific milestone, like one year, before he wants to do that?

if he can’t have a open and honest conversation about that where he is clear with you, then I’m afraid you probably need to cut your losses and move on because he either isn’t committed to you like you are to him or he’s got quite deep issues stemming from his last relationships which he needs to work on first.

Agree with all of this.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2023 00:15

Stop wasting your time and find a man who is emotionally available and capable of a mature relationship.

He isn't.

JogOn123 · 19/06/2023 00:18

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CrazyArmadilloLady · 19/06/2023 00:21

First reply nails it.

Zuyi · 19/06/2023 00:22

Hell no. His family I could understand maybe, but mates as well is totally sus.,

Frogmila · 19/06/2023 00:29

Agree with first reply and PP saying they can understand re family but not so much friends. I wouldn't be happy being kept apart from someone's entire social life for 8 months. Maybe try one further conversation re timelines and if no action sod it. We have all been hurt. It's not fair to make you feel like a guilty secret because he has moved on without dealing with his feelings in full.

Opentooffers · 19/06/2023 00:36

Maybe people are missing the fact that his excuse is that he has introduced many others in the past, so I doubt they are particularly overbearing. There's a difference between meeting and knowing about you. It's a concern that he's not even up for mentioning you to anyone he knows. I don't think giving time cuts it or gives it the attention it needs.
It's odd behaviour, and it should be addressed. A total secret for 8 months is not on and I doubt most would put up with that. Are you sure he isn't seeing someone else back home too,? It would explain the regular 2 weekly visits.
I think take a step back, see if he steps up as his actions are those of someone who does not see you in his future.

supercali77 · 19/06/2023 00:37

Hard to saying? Otoh could be hes emotionally unavailable but it reminds me of a good male friend of mine who has had so many gfs that it hasn't worked out with for the last 5 or so years that he's told me he feels like an idiot for taking each new one to meet family and friends and then there's a break up. It happens both ways, they breakup or he does. He said he feels like a failure as an adult....

supercali77 · 19/06/2023 00:40

Theres one way to test whether he's telling the truth. If it's all because he wants this to last and it's different etc, just say...its becoming a dealbreaker for you. Either you meet them or you don't want to continue

NewNameNigel · 19/06/2023 00:43

I don't think his reasons why matter. He's making you feel bad and that's enough reason to end it. So often women make excuses for why men don't want to commit or move forward in relationship and end up wasting years. My ex was like this and 6 years later was still emotionally unavailable. I wish I'd heeded the early warning signs.

Original poster
Pollypocketed · 19/06/2023 08:15

We've bumped into people he knows around here and he's introduced me as his girlfriend. But I know he hasn't mentioned me to his family. I get a bit upset because through FB "stalking", I've seen that his family all went to his ex-girlfriend's house for Christmas two years ago - his parents, sister, and nephews. And they can only have been going out for around six months at that point. I'll just leave it for a while. I have a lot of emotional turmoil in other areas of my life at the moment and it's my DD's birthday this week. I want things to be nice for her. But I think I'm going to have to have a timeline in my head. If he doesn't want them to know about me, I'll have to leave it because I am finding it too upsetting and my self-esteem is taking a massive hit.

OP posts:
HonestHolly · 19/06/2023 08:18

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Original poster
Pollypocketed · 19/06/2023 12:21

Yeah. I just did a little test on him. It's DD's bday party this coming weekend. I said there'd be a few people there and did he want to come to the party... or do something quiet when everyone had gone. He said he'd let me know at the end of the week, but he thinks he just feels like being on his own with his cats. It's not the "yeah, of course! I really want to be involved in your lives" kind of response I was maybe hoping for. Oh, well. Back to the drawing board, I think. Or, I'll just leave it a while and realise that I can actually cope very well on my own. I'm sad though. Jesus, it's hard work.

OP posts:
Neverinamonthofsundays · 19/06/2023 12:23

Do you think he is embarassed of you somehow? Is there a massive age gap or anything? Are you friends on social media?

Original poster
Pollypocketed · 19/06/2023 12:29

We're friends on social media. But I don't tag him in photos or anything. My friends know. His don't. There are no photos of me on his page. There are a couple of him on mine, which he's liked. He comments on my page. If I comment on his posts, he'll put a heart emoji or something. But he never gives the game away. I'm six years older than him. I'm overweight. I'm a single mother. But I'm pretty - or so I'm told. And funny. And bright. And kind. I have a successful business. I know a lot of people in the community and I'm always doing stuff. Maybe he is embarrassed. It could be. That makes me feel pretty bad.

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 19/06/2023 12:35

I think it's not so much being embarrassed of you but embarrassed that he is the guy who has one gf after another... it's absolutely not fair on you. Another possibility is that he compartmentalises his life; frankly I hate that. I wouldn't be so worried about his family but there's no reason that you shouldn't meet his friends. Honestly, I have been there, it gets to a ridiculous situation where you're hearing all about a life that you don't exist in and frankly that's exhausting...

Original poster
Pollypocketed · 19/06/2023 12:58

Yeah. It seems like that's the way this is going. I've invited him into my life and he's keeping me out of his. I don't suspect that he's married or has another girlfriend... because bits of my stuff are at his house. But he could have one-night stands when he's out with his mates and I'd be none the wiser. They wouldn't bollock him because they don't know about me. He's a free man when he's back in his hometown. He goes to a lot of parties and concerts. I think I'll cool off a bit. Maybe that's my first step.

OP posts:
Careerdilemma · 19/06/2023 13:06

Do you think it might be the fact that you have all daughter so he feels it would be better to be sure it's for the longterm before introducing them to her etc?

Original poster
Pollypocketed · 19/06/2023 13:13

It could be that. He's only met her a handful of times because I wanted to be very careful about that. But we discussed it before and he said he was ready to go about meeting her and spending time with her slowly. I don't think he's dated other women with children. But, he knew I had my DD when we met. I just get the feeling he wants everything kept separate. And I'm not sure I can live my life like that. At the same time, I know it's early days.

OP posts:
GettingStuffed · 19/06/2023 13:16

I didn't meet my in-laws until we were engaged. They were lovely people but I can well imagine them constantly asking to meet me, whether we had plans to get married, have children etc.

Perhaps his are similar.

cassiatwenty · 19/06/2023 13:24

Perhaps his parents are ghastly and would meddle and ruin things for you. If he wants to take things slowly and properly with you, he might be sincere.

GoldDuster · 19/06/2023 13:33

It's DD's bday party this coming weekend. I said there'd be a few people there and did he want to come to the party... or do something quiet when everyone had gone. He said he'd let me know at the end of the week, but he thinks he just feels like being on his own with his cats

I don't think trying to persuade your noncommital boyfriend of eight months to come to your DDs birthday party is a wise move OP.

Let him hang out at home with his cats. Back away from the cat man slowly, he's not fussed about you OP, if he was you'd know about it. Don't try to shoehorn him into your life, most importantly that of your DD. The fact that you can't communicate efficiently enough to know what's going on here isn't a good sign.

cassiatwenty · 19/06/2023 13:37

Yeah, communucation is very important. It's not such a massive problem in the beginning, but as you go along, it could make or break your thing.

larkstar · 19/06/2023 13:49

Sometimes you have to grow, take on a new way of looking at or dealing with your feelings, thoughts, situation and other people - doesn't sound like he is ready to do that. Of he's continuing to thing and act as though he is single instead of thinking as though he is part of a couple - he's not where you would like him to be or where you are. It's immature or a sign of a lack of life experience to lock down his pattern of thinking and acting - you can't control a lot of things in life, sh!t happens - you can't always make perfect decisions, etc - it's better, IMHO, to learn to roll with the punches, to be flexible, to adapt, to accept the uncertainties of life, work, relationships, health, etc - and get on with life, move on, instead of concreting yourself into a spot in the past. If you can't talk to him and get on the same page... you ought to think about turning over a new one: life is short. He seems wrapped up in his own feelings and isn't seeing things from yours. I'd say there seems to be a huge mismatch in emotional intelligence - I don't think gaps like that are easy to close quickly. It's pointless trying to talk sometime round or educate them in getting out thinking differently - he is where he is and you are where you are.