Boyfriend keeping me a secret

[Pollypocketed]

Just that really. He lives in my area. He's bought a house here. He works here. He's about an hour away from his family and friends where he grew up. He had a ten-year relationship which finished around four years ago. She's since moved on and has a baby. I know he was upset when that relationship ended. He's had a one-year relationship since then and a series of flings. And then me. It's been about 8 months with me.
He hasn't told anyone in his family about me.
He's met my friends and more recently my DD.
It's as if he has two separate lives.
I have the key to his house. I leave my stuff there. We talk a lot on the phone/text and see each other a lot.
But he also goes home every couple of weeks to see his parents and his sister and her family. And his mates. They never come here.
I've asked him about it and his excuses have been: "I've been hurt", "I can't introduce my parents to another girlfriend yet because I've done it too many times", "I want to do things slowly and properly with you". We've talked about it a couple of times, but there doesn't seem to be a change.
I said the other day that we should just drop it if he's not up for investing. I can't be arsed with a "situationship" at my age... and it just makes me feel like he's somehow embarrassed about me or something.
We get on well. My friends say I should just see how things go and to stop stressing about it and enjoy it for what it is, but I'm not very good at that. I like to know someone is fully "into" me. He says he adores me. But why wouldn't he want to tell people about me?

Hmmmm. It’s hard to tell without knowing him of course. But to offer another perspective… My partner was very badly hurt almost 10 years ago and before meeting me last year he hadn’t had any relationship that lasted longer than 9 months and had never introduced anyone to his friends or family. He wanted to take things very slowly which actually suited me too as I have a young daughter. I didn’t meet his friends until maybe 8 months in and more like 10 months for his family. Some of them knew I existed but I didn’t actually know that until I met them. But there was nothing sinister there – he was up front about wanting to take things slowly but once he was ready, we took the next step. Now our lives are a lot more intertwined – he spends every weekend with me and my daughter who he loves dearly, we hang out with friends and family, we’re starting to talk about what a shared future would look like etc. It just took him a while to get here and he had to do it at his own pace because he didn’t want to get hurt again.

Sorry, to be clear he hadn’t had a relationship longer than 9 months or introduced anyone to his friends and family since he broke up with his fiancée 10 years ago.

Not wanting to go to your DD’s birthday just makes him seem like he’s not keen to be seriously involved with your family. It’s up to you whether you think it’s worth waiting to see if he changes his mind

Sorry. He was with someone for 10 years. They split up 3 or 4 years ago and he's had a string of flings/relationships since. One of whom he moved in with. But I'm the first with a child.

I've not responded to his cat comment. I think I'll just leave it until tomorrow. I need some time to think. I'm really upset. I've had such bad luck with men. I'm not even sure it's worth it. I have these dreams about just living something simple and easy and then it never seems to work out for me.

just see how things go and to stop stressing about it

This ^

The way you get better at doing that is through practise. I would tend to avoid letting your daughter bond with him until you, and he, are both sure where this is heading.

Take it slowly, there is no rush. Observe what sort of person he is. See how you fit together. Not what he says but how he acts. All the best

I know you said you’re six years older, but what ages are you both?

I think that could be relevant. If he’s 28 and you’re 34, or he’s 34 and you’re 40, you may find your lives at slightly different stages.

Can you force the narrative slightly? Mention you’d love to go out with his friends or maybe a bbq at his house for example?

The older I get, the more I think the only relationship advice I would ever give is "Don't invest in a fixer-upper."

OP- don't invest in a fixer-upper.

Can you further elaborate please?

@cassiatwenty "Can you further elaborate please?"

Sorry-I thought I was pretty clear! Don't invest time or emotional energy (and it often means money too) in a person who needs to change before they become capable of sustaining a grown up, equal, mutually beneficial relationship.

Don’t find a sub-par broken man and try to fix him and make him better and happier, in an attempt to engineer some happiness for yourself. It’s a fool’s errand.

But he also goes home every couple of weeks to see his parents and his sister and her family. And his mates. They never come here.

Where does he stay when he goes home? How long and how often?

I cant be the only one thinking another family??

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom We should write a self help book....!

Thank you, it was clear, I just wanted to learn more

Thank you xx

The one and only time I was a secret, it went on a year... until I found out his other life was that he lived with his daughters mum..(I suspect they were married and still together but no proof) also he had two other ladies on the go. 😭😭 I was devastated!! Anyone that treats me a secret now and I am out!

Did they know you existed before the engagement?

Your daughter has met him but you've still not met any of his family or friends?

Absolutely not! I would not be letting a guy into my life who is so obviously keeping me separate from his.

Move on and find a man who can actually act like an adult.

The visits home are to probably see his other family or girlfriend.

He's paying you for a mug. Don't let him do it for a second longer.

The comments up to his excuse for DDs party were reasonable but having read that cat excuse….he’s just not into you. You sound amazing & will go onto find someone who deserves you.

Your daughter doesn't need this boyfriend at her party.
If he doesn't want to come it will be fine, particularly if he is not long term committed.
I would set a time line in your own mind.
What is reasonable - 10 months? If not by one year I would give him the quick flick.

You've been together 8 months and he is coming to your daughters birthday party? That's quite soon 😶

Yeah, no. It's not you, it's him! You're not doing anything wrong but please respect yourself more. You deserve better than this. The cat thing is just a lie, and a weak one.

When he goes home, he stays with his mum, sister, or friends.
At his house, there is no sign of any other women, and some of my things are there - toiletries/slippers/romantic gifts I've given him. He'd have to explain that stuff. If he is married, it would be odd that his wife had never seen his house. He's bought this house. His parents and sister and her family have been to the house. I've seen photos. This was at the beginning of our relationship.
The cat thing isn't unusual. We're both into cats. Big time. It's still a bit of a weak excuse though, I agree.
I don't need him in my daughter's life. This is true. But the three of us have been out together a handful of times for walks in the country. I thought it might be nice for him to be at the party. But it's true, I'm going to have to go very slowly on this point. If he's not all in, there's no point. I only mentioned the birthday party because there'll be a lot of people there - adults as well. So, it might be a pleasant thing to do together.
I'm 44 and he's 38. He doesn't have kids.
I think he COULD be "on the pull" when he goes home. If they don't know he has a girlfriend, they wouldn't say anything. His BIL might even encourage it. I think some of his friends are a bit wild. A lot of concerts and bars.
He does make time for me and is in touch a lot during the day, but this doesn't mean anything, I suppose. I feel quite separate. I'm in a little compartment.