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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband a cheat I knew it!

53 replies

Myusername4321 · 17/06/2023 08:40

Didn't know where to post my head in spinning feel all weak.

My husband works away in a foreign country at the minute, he's been gone 6 weeks. He has worked all over the world and when ever he was away always said he missed us (me and 2dcs) how much he can't wait to get home. This time was different and I just knew. When he last came home he was sketchy with his phone and distant.

Any way role on 6am this morning he sends me a photo of him in the lift kissing some women. Obviously pissed up! I don't know if this was an accident or an attempt to tell me. He deleted it quickly but it was too late..I bombarded him with text but no reply. There is a time difference there so would of been about 2 in the morning there. He's due in a work at 6 but he hasn't answered.

Honestly I can't believe it I feel numb and shaky. I lost my mam 3 month ago he held me breaking my heart knowing what he was. We are due to down size in a few weeks to a better area closer to family and kids friends/schools. We will get about 60k from that.

But what do I do now. I mean obviously it's over he makes me feel sick. I'm thinking money wise do we move and I get him to pay the mortgage. I work part time 18 hours on a low wage he is a high earner but does his taxes slight dodgey so I'm worried about getting money. I don't think he will do his children wrong though.

I can't believe this is happening we have always had a good marriage still young 32 I'm a good looking women keep myslelf fit. Beofre this is I thought he was my sole mate. Then on top of loosing my Mam...I really need to find some inner strength and advice . Especially on the money front!

Sorry if I rambles my heart it going like the clappers 😢

OP posts:
Fuckthatguy · 17/06/2023 09:02

What does he ‘does his taxes slightly dodgey’ entail?

Sorry for the loss of your mother.

antwacky · 17/06/2023 09:02

Really sorry to read this, you must be feeling heartbroken. I'm sure some of the wise women will be along with good advice for you very soon. In the meantime sending hugs🌷

Namechange666 · 17/06/2023 09:05

Dob him in for his dodgy tax evasion. Hate people like that.

But in all seriousness, maybe it's time for some legal advice. Don't stay with this rat. You only found out because he was careless. You and your family deserve more.

Flocider · 17/06/2023 09:07

Get some legal advice, now he knows you know I suspect he's working on doing what he can to hide certain assets- if he has no qualms about 'doing his taxes dodgy' then I'm sure he won't be above this. Sorry you're going through this.

MrsMoastyToasty · 17/06/2023 09:12

While he is still away gather up all his important documents and take copies. Get yourself a solicitor who deals with divorce and get some advice.

Susieb2023 · 17/06/2023 09:15

Self care first, eat, keep hydrated and exercise you have a long road ahead of you and I suspect a lot more will come out of the woodwork!

If he’s dodging taxes he was already a sneaky a’hole.

You need to seek legal advice immediately if you plan to leave him, as he’s got clear form for bettering himself and HIS situation.

Get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ so you don’t even begin to start apportioning blame to yourself or allowing him to get away with blame shifting (which is a real problem for recently betrayed), and you may need an STD check.

What a creep! I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

Justcallmebebes · 17/06/2023 09:16

So sorry you found out this way. It must be a terrible shock. It probably doesn't matter in the scheme of things, but do you think the OW sent it to you deliberately?

You obviously need to talk to him first and then get legal advice. He's a cowardly shit for ignoring your calls but he can't avoid you for ever. So sorry you lost your mum too. Good luck OP Flowers

Original poster
Myusername4321 · 17/06/2023 09:18

Thank you so much for the replies..I haven't even cried yet but feel I'm wheeling up now. My daughter is 13 and not here but my son is 8 he is here I keep feeling my heart break when I look at him..I've read so many threads like this on here can't believe it's actually me going through it now. We actually were the perfect couple in many ways people used to call us the power couple for god sake 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Myusername4321 · 17/06/2023 09:20

Sorry posted too soon...tax wise I'm not sure he sometimes doesn't declare when he working abroad and sometimes if he stays abroad for so long he doesn't have to pay taxes. I know he has an accountant who is quite expensive.

Also on the house move do you think I should go ahead we live in quite a big house in an expensive area but we are moving to be closer to family and the kids school (we will get money out of this, which of course will also be his unfortunately) but I'm desperate to move this place is in a village out the way! X

OP posts:
solice84 · 17/06/2023 09:23

Aw op. I'm so sorry
Try and get evidence of all funds and assets etc etc before he starts draining accounts and the like
Also don't just trust him to do the right thing by his kids . It's amazing how people turn into someone you barely know in these situations .

Reallybadidea · 17/06/2023 09:26

First thing on Monday I would make an appointment with a divorce lawyer to try and find out where you stand financially. Knowledge is power and if you can do this before he gets back then you will be one step ahead of him.

Susieb2023 · 17/06/2023 09:29

None of us have the ins and outs of your financial situation to be able to guide you. He knows you know, he’s ignored your texts, your priority right now is to get legal advice and not let him know anything going on in your head. I know that sounds ridiculous but men having affairs turn into a very different entity to the husband you think you know.

Sausagedogmum · 17/06/2023 09:40

Get copies of all financial documents…..so all bank details and statements, pensions, shares, mortgage. Get your passports, birth certificate for the children as well, and speak to your solicitor as soon as you can.

I cannot stress enough how quickly you should get copies of all the financials.

redheadcurl · 17/06/2023 09:47

No advice sorry. Take care of yourself and your children. You will get through this.

Original poster
Myusername4321 · 17/06/2023 09:58

He's messaged this morning, he's at work. Says he wasn't meant to send the picture he's so sorry but obviously we both no it's over. He's back next week and we are going to discuss what to do next with the house etc.

My legs are like jelly. He said he was going to tell me when he got home. I can't believe he's actually having a realtionship with this women my heart is really broken. I've been with him since I was 15 all these years of miss spent loyalty. Can't believe I haven't got my mam to speak to 😪I've lost the 2 biggest people in my life in the same of 3 month. Going to really have to stay strong for this one.

I've got work on Monday I'm going to have to tell them.

We have joint bank accounts where his wages get paid into so I can evidence his wages.

OP posts:
GracePalmer33 · 17/06/2023 10:02

I'm sorry OP. This must be so hard.

When you say "I knew it" it, what did you mean? You suspected it?

jsku · 17/06/2023 10:04

What are the family finances - do you own/rent? Do you have savings or pensions on either name?

Generally, in England: In divorce - family home (irrespective of whose name or who pays mortgage) is a joint asset, and together with all other assets is divided 50/50, in most cases.
At 32 - you’ll be expected to increase your hours and go full time by the time your youngest starts secondary.
H may have to pay maintenance to you until then - depending on his income.
He will have to pay child maintenance.

For now - take a breath and try to keep calm. And try to keep it together in front of kids.

Do move house if you are moving to the area with more support for you.
Whatever money you get out of the move - put into a joint account. Open it if you don’t have it. Insist on it.

And of course - find a solicitor to understand your situation and figure out best way to go forward. Depending on your situation - divorce does not have to cost huge amounts.

But most importantly - I know it feels like the end of the world. It isn’t.
You will be OK. And kids will as well.

Original poster
Myusername4321 · 17/06/2023 10:41

We both own our home, due to complete on new house in a few weeks! That will realise funds.

I work part time on a low wage. I love my job and the people and it fits in with the kids.

I have a small pension with work.

He has a private pension and it self employed.

OP posts:
dickheed · 17/06/2023 10:44

Go to a solicitor first thing on Monday to get as much information as you can about how to proceed.
He is a complete asshole and dodgy as fuck so do not agree to any kind of financial agreement him without it going through lawyers. He will try to screw you over so you need a good lawyer on your side.

DancingLights · 17/06/2023 10:52

Reiterate what people have said. Mumsnet gave me good advice recently. I went to see a good solicitor with all details that I could find.

So sorry for the loss of your mum.

Your husband did not have your back when you needed him.

As for the way he’s told you, well, it’s a disgrace. You deserve so much more than this.

Sending you love.

Nofreshstarthere22 · 17/06/2023 10:57

Sorry for your loss. Sorry hes had an affair.
The dodgey tax thing, I’m afraid you may loose out there but you benefited from it so far.

whynotwhatknot · 17/06/2023 11:34

if he doesnt pay all his tax now trust me hewont give you what hes supposed to inmaintenance

InBedBy10 · 17/06/2023 11:53

Can you trust him not to empty the joint account? I think you should get as much money out of there as possible ASAP. Maybe he'll be reasonable about the split but speaking from experience, they really do turn into different people. Better to air on the side of caution.

I think the house move is a good idea as you will be to family and a smaller house will be easier for you to manage on your own.

Obviously seek legal advice as soon as possible.

GCWorkNightmare · 17/06/2023 11:56

Is he self employed or does he have a ltd company? Accountant suggests the latter which may mean it’s near impossible to get money from him.

Zarataralara · 17/06/2023 13:13

He’s in the wrong. Be angry with him, tell him what is happening with the house, how much he’s going to pay etc.. If he refuses then you dangle the taxman over him. Even if it’s all legally tax managed by his accountant he won’t want the taxman looking into his business.