Husband a cheat I knew it!

[Myusername4321]

Didn't know where to post my head in spinning feel all weak.

My husband works away in a foreign country at the minute, he's been gone 6 weeks. He has worked all over the world and when ever he was away always said he missed us (me and 2dcs) how much he can't wait to get home. This time was different and I just knew. When he last came home he was sketchy with his phone and distant.

Any way role on 6am this morning he sends me a photo of him in the lift kissing some women. Obviously pissed up! I don't know if this was an accident or an attempt to tell me. He deleted it quickly but it was too late..I bombarded him with text but no reply. There is a time difference there so would of been about 2 in the morning there. He's due in a work at 6 but he hasn't answered.

Honestly I can't believe it I feel numb and shaky. I lost my mam 3 month ago he held me breaking my heart knowing what he was. We are due to down size in a few weeks to a better area closer to family and kids friends/schools. We will get about 60k from that.

But what do I do now. I mean obviously it's over he makes me feel sick. I'm thinking money wise do we move and I get him to pay the mortgage. I work part time 18 hours on a low wage he is a high earner but does his taxes slight dodgey so I'm worried about getting money. I don't think he will do his children wrong though.

I can't believe this is happening we have always had a good marriage still young 32 I'm a good looking women keep myslelf fit. Beofre this is I thought he was my sole mate. Then on top of loosing my Mam...I really need to find some inner strength and advice . Especially on the money front!

Sorry if I rambles my heart it going like the clappers 😢

Hope you ok op. Ive been there it does get better

This is all very good advice. So sorry OP, and also for the loss of your mum.
You will be fine. Now is the time to focus on you. He doesn't deserve you.

Thank you everyone.. I've been with mother in law today we are close and I told her she absolutely disgusted in him and shocked, she will stick by me. Husband is self employed and has to do his tax return (is it every year) I think that's why he has an accountant. No limited company.

I haven't eaten all day mother in-law forced water into me. I am very angry I'm going between anger and fuck him to heart broken at loosing what we had. He just keeps texting saying how sorry he is.and how he really is blah blah blah.

He isn't the same person to me anymore,.I feel like I don't know him. It wasn't even a one night stand it was a full affair by the looks of it going out having a nice time, while I've been struggling with grief. He's a monster there is no going back from this.

I'm thinking of how to tell the children, which will be less distressing for them. Should I get him to tell them - I honestly think my daughter will go for him. Or should I tell them alone? I really don't want to do this to her while she's just gone through lossing her nan, not sure I can hide my pain till work sort his flights.

Go into practical mode what do u want to do and what u need to do

as for the tax thing i would hazard a guess more tax avoidance rather than illegal if it’s done by an accountant so wouldn’t get hung up in that

I'm just worried he will be able the wingle out of paying what I'm owed in maintenance but as I have the wages going into our joint account I don't see how he could lie.

My sister in law had a nightmare with her ex as he had a limited company and was declaring only minimum wage, so I panicked. Anyway it seems to be a different situation..unless he fucks off abroad to live with her.

He moves all over with work, this job will finish soon hope it was all worth it the creep.

You don't need to tell the children yet.

Don't think so he was drunk talking to me before hand said morning and he was a it tipsy after going out for drinks.and food (time difference is 5 hours there)..I said I was going back to sleep. Then I just happend to have the phone in my hand to check the time when it popped up I clicked on it just before he deleted it.

If you have sold your house then try and see that as a silver lining. You will probably need to pull out of the new house but get advice and you can use your share to find somewhere new. Can you move in with family when you exchange on your house?

If you think he might try to shaft you on maintenance (move abroad/not declare true earning) could you potentially agree a settlement out of the money released from your house move?

Will you still have a mortgage on the new house? Can you afford that without him?

Give yourself a few days to let it sink in, as it'll be a blur looking back so no point making decisions. But book a solicitor and get some legal advice. Gather evidence. Screen shots of anything you think he might delete (the confession).

What a horrible shitty thing he's done to you. It doesn't feel like it now, but you will get through it.

OP - do NOT discuss anything with him and certainly DO NOT agree to anything.
From now on - you can’t trust him and have to think of protecting yourself and your kids.
Fist step is solicitor and understanding what you are entitled to. And don’t agree to anything else when he (later) tries to put you down; diminish your role as a mother; crying poverty, etc. They all (most anyway) do it.
His mother will eventually change too - and will accept the other woman with time. If he stays with her. Or whoever else comes around. He will tell her he was unhappy for a long time; you should have married young; had children bc you wanted; etc.

But as I said - you are young and you will rebuild your life!!!!

People who meet at 15 rarely still fit well together at 40 yos. So this was going to happen sooner or later.

As to the kids - your instinct is to tell them all as you are angry. Don’t.

They will see you struggling and you of course can’t avoid saying something. But try to keep it age appropriate and do not show your anger, if you can.

Thanks everyone I haven't told the children I'm putting a smiley face on. They are actually a welcome distraction. As for mother in law I definitely don't think she will side with him their relationship isn't great anyway.

Other women is national of where he is working . The job will move on soon so unless he's planning on moving there or her here.....

I'm going to chat with a solicitor on Monday and I'll give him what will be happening when he's back face to face. I've done a quick maintenance search which is a good amount, so if push comes to it I would go down that route.
Hope I get some sleep tonight..thank you all for your encouraging words I know I can get through this.

You need a SHL now.

Prepare yourself and know your rights before he comes back.

Oh dear I could have written this 5 years ago. H working overseas.. turned out he's was actually living a double life and it was quite the norm for locals to be with these men. Like you I was blindsided and became very consumed by it all, trust me there will be much more to come. Get the support of friends and be very careful of MIL (mine was my support).. it backfired. Get the paperwork in order, agree to nothing and don't let him back into the family home. Get legal advice and use work and children as a distraction. I could never have imagined the stuff I uncovered and I hope to god you don't experience the same. If you want to talk via private message please feel free to reach out. It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with what happened and I will never trust another living soul again. Sending love and strength your way xx

I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially as you are still grieving your mum, how cruel of him.

If I were you I would clear that joint account so he is not tempted to, into a solo account in your name.

So often men do a complete personality switch.

You need to protect yourself.

He is no longer your friend.

I am so sorry.

Definitely not your sole mate, clearly.

OP - few legal things as you are getting some less than legal advice.
You can’t really clear the joint account. You can move half. But can’t take all.

You also can’t prevent him from coming back to the marital house. It’s a joint property.

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP, must be even harder as he’s not in the country and you can’t speak face to face. How stressful for you considering the house situation too, you must feel in complete limbo.

4 days in and the shock is starting to wear off I managed some sleep and food. He has been apologizing, begging to do anything to make it work. He's back next week, I'm dreading the talk but to be honest the anger in me is keeping me strong. He isn't who I thought he was he feels like a stranger to me now.

Thank you for the advice to not tell the children, you were all right I was too angry to be making ant decisions like that and I was not doing it for the right reasons.

I'm young and have a lot going for me. I was naive to think working away for this amount of time he does would work. If you are reading this and are in the same situation don't do it the money isn't worth it. Although saying that he should of been able to be away and not do it but men are arse holes.

Keep that strength. Reread your post when you need to. Incredible lady. What a fool he has been. Onwards and upwards now. You can do this.

Pleased to hear you've got some sleep and have managed to eat something. Little steps day by day. Of course he's all apologetic, he's wrecked his family and the home comforts he has. Meanwhile lying and cheating his sorry arse off. You're right, the money potentially gained from a partner working away just isn't worth it. I look back sometimes and think about how much he blew of whining and dining these girls and it makes me feel sick. Takes a special sort of person to lead that kind of life! Keep your cool, let him come home and tell his side of the story but remember you'll only get a small snippet of the true story. It will be totally minimised and the line 'it meant nothing' will undoubtedly come out. He did this to your family, nothing you did wrong so take no blame for his sorry mess. Whatever you do don't let him back into the bed!! Hysterical bonding is very real and speaking from experience - very damaging to your mental state. Hugs xx

My father did this to my mother - it's a long long story that I've posted on here many many times, but the difference is she stayed with him...until he finally left her for another woman a decade later, when I was 21 .... and his youngest child had just turned 18.

Please, for the love of all that is holy, don't be my mother! She became a 'trailing spouse' because she couldn't trust my father to keep it in his pants for more than 5 minutes...dragging myself and my two brothers all over the world (mainly what were then called 3rd world countries) for nearly 7 years. Our childhoods were ruined, as well as our health and education. That was nearly 40 years ago and we are all still dealing with the consequences.

My father always used the excuse that he was working abroad for the high money 'for our futures'- the reality was that both my parents spent the money as fast as it earned and in the end they both ended up with next to nothing. My mother now lives in social housing on a government disability pension (not UK).

Just wanted to add that my father never stopped being unfaithful...in fact my mother ended up being one of the first people in the UK to be tested for Aids back in the 80s, as he was shagging prostitutes in a part of the world where it first became a serious problem.

It may not be legal, but IMO better to have it all and be safe and return his half down the road, rather than HIM clear it and be stuck.