Feeling like dp doesn’t ‘care’ about me

[Julesit]

Backstory: I have been with my dp for 8 years. We have triplets together and he works full-time with his own business whereas I have been a stay at home mom this entire time as I didn’t have any help and couldn’t afford the childcare costs. I raised them basically completely myself and they’re now school age and in full time.

I have been out of work for 5 years and I’m now looking to get back to work, which is also slightly tough finding something that works around school hours/mom life too. Although im extremely greatful to have been with my children this entire time, it has been very challenging being so alone all the time. I didn’t get any time to myself at all until recently, I don’t have anyone to talk to etc.

my dp has been on my case for a while now telling me I need to reskill and do a course that will get me a good job. I have just started a tech-based course this past week which is only a few months long and will give me the certifications I need to go into tech hopefully.

a few days ago we had an argument as he wasn’t happy about me doing the course. I couldn’t understand why as I was doing exactly what he suggested and in the sector he advised me to go into. He proceeded to tell me I’m ‘just trying to look busy and act professional’, that I should be focusing on something else, that knowing me I won’t even use these skills etc . he made such a huge fuss about it that I actually didn’t attend the course the past few days and have mentally given up from his negative comments as they have put me off.

this evening he has come back home and I feel frustrated as I have been inside all day long. I live in a small place and there’s only so much cleaning, cooking etc I can do. The kids were not well so we have been up since 4am and I’m just constantly by myself. I tried to communicate with him and tell him how I feel. That I’d just like to be able to go outside and get fresh air for 5 minutes, or have some sort of adult human interaction.

he just can’t seem to understand how I feel (probably as he lives a different lifestyle. He gets to go work with a career he enjoys, colleagues, clients and friends to see and talk to everyday, a car he can drive in and do anything he wants even just going to the shop etc). I can’t even pop to the shop by myself unless I wait until school time.

he started to tell me how I’m prioritising the wrong thing, I should ‘reskill and do a course’. I instantly got annoyed at this point as I was confused considering I just started a course and he had a problem with it? I’ve just given up on a course because of his negativity and now he’s telling me to do a course again?? Also, I don’t think it’s unfair or too much for me to ask for the bare necessities such as stepping outside for 5 minutes of fresh air.

at this stage I feel like he doesn’t truly care for me. I want my partner to come home occasionally and say ‘go take a 5 minute walk outside and clear your head’. That would mean so much to me and help me so much. I’m not asking to go out for hours! I just don’t know how to communicate my feelings with him anymore and it upsets me that he doesn’t try to help understand my feelings or help support me mentally

Looking after triplets must be absolutely and utterly knackering and he should have been parenting (around work) LOADS when they were babies/toddlers.

But I'm not really getting how you're not getting any air now? It's June. So they've been in school since last September? And preschool before that? I would have been out in the fresh air every day doing my hobbies/seeing my friends. Which I don't begrudge you at all, that's not what I mean, triplets must ne hard...I just don't get the no air bit.

Don't give up on your course@Julesit . Do it for yourself.

If your DP is serious about you working, he will have to step up with the parenting and be prepared to take time off when the DC are ill.

I think it will do wonders for you.

Sorry I know it’s very complicated to understand.

When they’re at school I’m still not able to do that much. He has this expectation like I am supposed to be at home cleaning/housework the entire time (which I do, the home is always taken care of). I do get fresh air when I do the school runs and I try to go to an exercise class I like a few times a week in the morning after school drop off. This seems to bother him too as he will tell me my priorities are off and I am prioritising the class over my home… even when I do attend the class I will be back by 11am.

I also don’t have any friends so don’t have much else to do in that time. I am also one of those people that just doesn’t like being indoors all the time. I spend 80% of my time at home yet he still asked me yesterday ‘can you spend 1 whole week completely at home just doing cleaning’

What are the good parts of your relationship OP? Are there times when he is a wonderful partner?

I hope you are ok! It all sounds very unfair and I’m not surprised you are exhausted. If you like the course I think you should keep doing it.

Thank you!

i am regretting missing the past few days of the course and I think I’ll try and catch up over this weekend!

I knew I shouldn’t have given up, but the negative comments ruined my motivation.

unfortunately I don’t think he will step up and help physically. He mentioned that he would financially support me to do a uni course etc. when it comes to the children though and looking after the home it’s all on me :(

So he wants you to sit inside all day pointlessly? And you've been doing that?

Isn't that abuse - controlling?

He doesn't get to choose what you do with your time. You do. As long as you contribute fairly to the partnership. Which you do a thousand times over with triplets and a house.

Do not give up this course!! It is very clear following your second post that he is trying to control you and has realised he doesn't actually want you getting a job as you will start speaking to people and find out he's horrible. He just wants to pretend you need to get a job, but push you down so you don't get one, so that he has a stick to beat you with.

Do the course, get a job, leave him.

This is all wrong. Working parents parent when they’re not actually at work so why does he think he doesn’t need to do any parenting? They’re his children, too. And why was it on you to pay for the childcare costs? Again, they’re his children, too.

Stop listening to what he has to say about what you’re doing, OP. You’ve been an SAHM to triplets - you have more than earned your trips to the gym. And it’s a great idea to get back on with your course. Clearly it’s suited him to have you stuck at home all the time but that’s got to change.

Sorry OP, he sounds dreadful. I couldnt live with someone so controlling.

Pull yourself together, do the course, get a job, and tell him to get a cleaner if he wants a cleaner or do it himself.

This really concerns me OP, if sounds like controlling behaviour. It’s not right you’re expected to sit at home all day doing what he expects. Is he controlling in other aspects of your life?

I’ve just given up on a course because of his negativity and now he’s telling me

He has this expectation like I am supposed to be at home cleaning/housework the entire time

This seems to bother him too as he will tell me my priorities are off and I am prioritising the class over my home…

I don't know how you are managing to be such a super mum bringing up triplets!

Yet you have someone, not in your corner, not having your back but undermining you every which way you turn.

You REALLY need to find your inner strength and not let him undermine your BASIC HUMAN CHOICE to decide what you need to do in your life (that course for instance). It's your life and he doesn't rule it. You are an autonomous person.

Remember, your kids will be picking up on this dynamic as a template for their life.

He sounds like an arsehole, sorry. Wishing you all strength.

Do not give up this course!! It is very clear following your second post that he is trying to control you and has realised he doesn't actually want you getting a job as you will start speaking to people and find out he's horrible. He just wants to pretend you need to get a job, but push you down so you don't get one, so that he has a stick to beat you with

This exactly

Thank you everyone for the replies.

I’ve decided I will stay doing the course, I will have to catch up over this weekend and in the evenings!

I do see that this behaviour is not right which is why I’m getting bothered. I feel like I can’t progress at all. He wants me to get a good career, but doesn’t support me in the smallest ways to move forward and do something with myself, but then constantly criticises that I’m not doing anything. It seems like a circle I keep going around in.

one of my other children has now become unwell last night so I have been up since 3am looking after them, he didn’t get up to check and has just gone off to work. So I’m stuck here alone all day again.

it just bothers me that he doesn’t have the basic understanding of my feelings

I doesn't sound like he has much respect for you nor does he sound like he likes you that much.

Deciding to continue with he course is the best thing you can do, but don't expect him to be positive. His view of you is already negative ("knowing you...") and trying to impress him will always leave you disappointed.

It sounds more like he wants you to be a different person while he has no patience or warm feeling for the real you - and the real you deserves to get out of the house and get a career. Fuck his expectations, it doesn't sound like he has done much around the house in the recent years and if he thinks your priorities are wrong tell him you will have to agree to disagree on the matter.

If you do B, he criticises you for doing B and says you should do A instead. If you do A, he criticises you for doing A and says you should do B instead. What's the common factor? He uses criticism as a way to undermine your confidence, control you, make you feel "less than" him, and thus justify with-holding family resources from you: time, rest, even fresh air. You didn't get the house clean enough so you don't deserve to go outside for five minutes. Do you not see how toxic his behavior is? This man is a controlling bully.

I bet you aren't married and have no legal right to any of the money he's earned while he's had you as a free nanny, housekeeper, and bottle-washer.

Prioritise the training course, not the housecleaning. If he criticises you for not cleaning enough, make sympathetic sounds and keep working on your training course. Once you have your qualification, get a job. Then, make sure you save enough for an escape fund and escape from this awful man.

Hi everyone, thanks again for your replies. You are all very right.

I will be continuing with my course and trying to get a job after. I do expect this to cause issues as he’ll probably not like me trying to do something for myself. It’s little things for example, yesterday he told me to stay home all day for his delivery that was due 8am-5pm. I originally had plans (although ended up having to stay home as one kid was unwell) but besides that point, I would’ve had to miss out on whatever my plan was to wait all day for his delivery. The delivery never ended up arriving and is now due for Monday and now I’m expected to stay home all day long again. I’m on day 4 of being indoors all day by myself practically with the kids and I’m going insane (my other child was unwell today).

he has just arrived home at 7:30pm, brought back some shopping for himself (wish I could go shopping by myself). He called me to go speak with him and tells me ‘I don’t deserve the stress you give me’. This has annoyed me a lot as I am probably the least stressful partner a guy could have! He told me I’m ‘entitled and privileged’. That really bothered me as I literally don’t ask for ANYTHING. I am not high maintenance at all!

as I told him I wanted to try and communicate with him and was trying to tell him how I feel he started talking over me telling me how he’s going to buy himself a new car. A bigger car. Going to buy it next week. Baring in mind he already has a brand new £20,000 car, I have had my license for 6 years and yet I have to take the bus every day with our kids. I find it very patronising how he’s trying to brag to me, when I’m only asking for something as simple as going for a 5 minute walk. Something that’s FREE.

I tried to ask him why he doesn’t support me mentally, he told me I’m his ‘best friend’ yet me trying to communicate with him he called it nagging and told me to F off.

at this stage I see no point in trying to communicate or get him to hear my feelings. I think the only way to get through to someone like him is to just live for myself and continue with this course.

It’s now 10:20pm, after spending the day pending to unwell kids, cleaning the entire home and doing multiple wash loads and dishes, he has come home with more dishes from his lunch and created more dishes from eating. I haven’t done this lot of dishes (tbf it’s only 5 containers & 2 plates) but I am tired and will do them in the morning.

I’ve just managed to get the kids to bed (in which I asked for his help and he ignored me) now he’s telling me I have to do the dishes before bed… I’m frustrated that he has the audacity to TELL me to do chores like I’m a kid. That he can come home and just sit in bed on his phone and hand out orders. He will be at work in the morning and he’ll come home to a spotless home, as usual, so I really don’t see why this harms him for me to wash them in the morning?

I would tell him to wash his own bloody dishes! Who the hell does he think he is? I would leave him tbh he sounds horrible and controlling and like he adds nothing to your lives. What do you think?

This sounds awful. You can't go to bed until you've washed the dishes he dumped by the sink? And...

can you spend 1 whole week completely at home just doing cleaning

He's controlling you in various ways OP, take steps to gain as much independence as possible, as soon as possible.

I was married to a pratt like him for 23 years. had 3 kids ,i left with my kids and went to womens refuge. after that my life started to begin without him and even my kids were glad that i left! Think about yourself x

He's being abusive. Tell him to do his own dishes your not his mother and stop acting like a spoilt brat.

You need to leave him.

He’s controlling and abusive. He doesn’t want you to do the course, he wants to tell you you should so you defer to him and feel inadequate. His reaction when you actually did start the course is very telling - maybe he wasn’t expecting you to actually do it so put you in your place and then back to criticising you for not retraining. It’s all a control thing - why don’t you have your own car, while he basically laughs at you by saying he will buy a new one? Why does he bark orders at you and demand you stay in all day? Control, pure and simple.

You’re spot on in your gut feeling and title of your post - he doesn’t care about you, in fact his behaviour would align very much with a person who hates someone and is on a mission to destroy their self esteem.

Are you scared of him, OP?

I would laugh at DH if he said this (not that he would). And just say ‘do your own dishes!’

Is there any reason why you don’t just say that to him?

He’s just a man.

He’s not your boss.

He doesn’t get to tell you what to do.

You know this. Right?

@Julesit

This man is treating you like his slave. Unpaid, unsupported, unappreciated. He's keeping you emotionally destabilised so he can continue to abuse and control your every move. Please don't believe he will fund you through university - after all, if he did, who would he get to stay in for parcels which don't arrive, do extra chores he instructs you to do, who would clean the house throughout each day every day or do absolutely everything for your shared children, even when you are sick?

What's your housing situation - is your home rented with your name on the lease? Is it mortgaged with your name on the Deeds? You are in a vulnerable financial situation if you are not married.

I would contact Women's Aid or Citizens Advice to get some advice on what your options are long term in order to protect yourself and plan for a more secure future for yourself and your children. Also do a little discreet research on www.entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits you might be entitled to.

Ensure you are claiming Child Benefit into your OWN bank account. If you don't have a bank account to yourself then open one online - it's increasingly easy to do this and keep your login info private.

www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/benefits/benefits-if-you-have-children/protecting-your-state-pension-when-you-have-a-baby

DON'T let your partner know you're doing any of this and clear down your browsing history so he can't get this information by spying on your research. Change the pin on your phone. Good luck. 🌹

He sounds like he’s under a shit load of pressure and getting desperate for you to be more practical support

When they’re at school I’m still not able to do that much.

why?