Feeling like dp doesn’t ‘care’ about me

[Julesit]

Backstory: I have been with my dp for 8 years. We have triplets together and he works full-time with his own business whereas I have been a stay at home mom this entire time as I didn’t have any help and couldn’t afford the childcare costs. I raised them basically completely myself and they’re now school age and in full time.

I have been out of work for 5 years and I’m now looking to get back to work, which is also slightly tough finding something that works around school hours/mom life too. Although im extremely greatful to have been with my children this entire time, it has been very challenging being so alone all the time. I didn’t get any time to myself at all until recently, I don’t have anyone to talk to etc.

my dp has been on my case for a while now telling me I need to reskill and do a course that will get me a good job. I have just started a tech-based course this past week which is only a few months long and will give me the certifications I need to go into tech hopefully.

a few days ago we had an argument as he wasn’t happy about me doing the course. I couldn’t understand why as I was doing exactly what he suggested and in the sector he advised me to go into. He proceeded to tell me I’m ‘just trying to look busy and act professional’, that I should be focusing on something else, that knowing me I won’t even use these skills etc . he made such a huge fuss about it that I actually didn’t attend the course the past few days and have mentally given up from his negative comments as they have put me off.

this evening he has come back home and I feel frustrated as I have been inside all day long. I live in a small place and there’s only so much cleaning, cooking etc I can do. The kids were not well so we have been up since 4am and I’m just constantly by myself. I tried to communicate with him and tell him how I feel. That I’d just like to be able to go outside and get fresh air for 5 minutes, or have some sort of adult human interaction.

he just can’t seem to understand how I feel (probably as he lives a different lifestyle. He gets to go work with a career he enjoys, colleagues, clients and friends to see and talk to everyday, a car he can drive in and do anything he wants even just going to the shop etc). I can’t even pop to the shop by myself unless I wait until school time.

he started to tell me how I’m prioritising the wrong thing, I should ‘reskill and do a course’. I instantly got annoyed at this point as I was confused considering I just started a course and he had a problem with it? I’ve just given up on a course because of his negativity and now he’s telling me to do a course again?? Also, I don’t think it’s unfair or too much for me to ask for the bare necessities such as stepping outside for 5 minutes of fresh air.

at this stage I feel like he doesn’t truly care for me. I want my partner to come home occasionally and say ‘go take a 5 minute walk outside and clear your head’. That would mean so much to me and help me so much. I’m not asking to go out for hours! I just don’t know how to communicate my feelings with him anymore and it upsets me that he doesn’t try to help understand my feelings or help support me mentally

How old are your children?

Any reason you can't say "no, wash your own dishes you lazy arsehole" ?

Do you think he would shout, smash a dish, hit you?

Or would he realise he's been a complete arsehole and apologise? And wash the dishes?

He's not the boss of you, stop treating him like he's some sort of king or superior being. You're the boss of you. Stand up for yourself.

OP your husband sounds a very controlling man. You mentioned you were doing a course in a sector he suggested,is that a sector you want to work in? You are not a house maid. He does not have the right to tell u to be kn the house cleaning etc. If he has so much money and values you he should use some of it to get sime domestic support for you,e.g a cleaner and someone yo take the load of washing. It sounds like he thinks he is superior. He is treating you like some little woman. Are you in the UK,have you been here all your adult life? I wonder if bot,if you were led to believe life would be better here and now that you should be grateful? If I totally off track here please ignore this. Absolutely no malice intended,I am just trying to get my head around how he seems to think you are beholden to him. Hand hold.

She’s bringing up his triplets, enabling him to do zero parenting, and does everything around the house.

What more practical support are you looking for, from the OP?

Why can’t she do much when they are at school

sahm for 6 years so I know that whilst the school days are not long… you can get a fair bit done in 6 hours

He sounds like an arsehole

He also sounds under a lot of financial pressure.
question

always an arsehole?
or as a result of stress?

What happens if you say no? If he just sulks I would stop doing anything for him. Focus on yourself and the kids. Don't wash or cook for him, make him aware of how much you do. I think he is unlikely to change but appreciate that leaving when you have 3 kids is a much longer term issue. (Although one I think you should aim for, once you've got the course under you belt). He sounds so unpleasant. If you're on top of it then housework isn't more than an hour or so a day, I'd be leaving the house a lot more, maybe find a charity shop to volunteer at once a week to get yourself out. Ignore him.........he is being controlling.
If not doing what he demands puts you in physical danger or under extreme emotional stress (ie he is verbally abusive) then plan to leave with the kids asap. Good luck.

She’s talking specifically about getting fresh air, when she made that comment, you do realise?

And @Fiddlechops82 - you have experience of rearing triplets single-handedly, do you?

I don't understand thst he thinks she should be at hime all day - cleaning etc simply because the kids are in school. Everyone is entitled to some time to themselves. Buying another car without discussion is the privilege someone single. He an ass

Oh OP, this is an absolutely horrendous way to live and he is a horrendous, controlling, lazy pig of a man.

I feel as angry reading this as I do with the physical abuse threads.

He's your Jailer.
Pure and simple.

It sounds like you have lost your confidence and he is directing your life (not very well by the sounds of it). Do you like the course and are you looking forward to working in tech? It sounds worryingly like a practical wfh solution that will leave you dealing with the children and doing the housework and earning money.

Work out what job you would really like to do. Personally, I would get a job out of the home and hire in some help with the house and children, even if that means you won’t be bring in much money at first. Your DP will also be forced to step up a bit more, which will be good for his development. You may have to put as much pressure on him to shift his role, as he is putting on you.

This.

Wtf. Why are you allowing this arrogant, obnoxious creature to control your life??

You only get one short life, you know.

did you talk to him that you need his support? Satm need rest too.
you do need time time to learn and relax. I do not understand why you are able to clealry write down what is the pronlem but cannot communicate it with your husband

OP I've read all of your updates, it's clear you're being abused. Please call/contact Women's Aid and Rights of Women. You need someone to talk to about all of this.

No half decent man would ever expect you to be practically chained to the kitchen sink. You're not allowed out apart from the school run and your exercise class (which I bet you had to beg/plead with him to do), you're being undermined and belittled. He's putting you down. Telling you to do a course and then when you do it, he's criticising you for trying to improve your life. You're not even allowed to pop out to go food shopping? And he's bought a brand new car but no car at all for you? I bet you're not allowed friends either? Your life sounds utterly miserable.

He's treating you like a slave, your post sounds like bloody human trafficking (obviously it's not but your situation really is awful).

Please continue your courses, do as many courses as you can. Maybe see if you can volunteer on a charity webchat thing from home for a few hours per week, you could do it 10-1 or something when the kids are at school. It would give you a proper reference for future job applications. Obviously don't tell him ecause he won't be happy but it's something you could easily hide from him.

Ah yes I agree…people who already have a 20k car and are going to buy another one while their wife gets the bus do sound like they are under a lot of financial pressure….🙌🙌

as I told him I wanted to try and communicate with him and was trying to tell him how I feel he started talking over me telling me how he’s going to buy himself a new car. A bigger car. Going to buy it next week. Baring in mind he already has a brand new £20,000 car, I have had my license for 6 years and yet I have to take the bus every day with our kids.

He is abusive. Controlling. Cruel. Determined to undermine you. Treats you like a house servant. Doesn't parent his own children. Lazy. Selfish. The list goes on.

You deserve better, and so do your children.

Please keep talking here, and seek some support IRL. PLease conisder taking steps to leave him. This man doesn't respect you, doesn't even seem to like you. Certainly doesn't treat you with love and care. Better to be a single parent than to be in a relationshop that undermines you and leaves you sad and resentful. Your children will benefit if you are able to be yourself.

He may be stepping up his controlling behaviour because you are getting to the point where you want to become more independent since raising the kids, and that is a threat to him. From what you describe, he is undermining you and keeping you in a position where you cannot progress.

Please call Women's Aid when you have some time on your own, and describe what is going on. And by the way, you sound so strong and capable, doing all you have alone, without support. I've no doubt you would successfully make a life on your own if you need to. But please keep posting and get support in real life as he does not have your interests at heart.

Wow. What is wrong with you? Seriously. This man just bought himself a car. While his wife was telling him how she felt, he TALKED OVER HER to tell her how he's going to get HIMSELF another car. Meanwhile she has to take the freaking bus. He has packages being delivered that require her to be indoors all day, doesn't even bother to ask her if that's an ok day for a package to be delivered. Just enforces it on her as if she's his slave. Criticises her for doing exercise because it takes her outside of the house. Complains that something is wrong with her when she wants just five minutes of fresh air. Her posts are just filled with red flag things this man is doing. And you think HE's under a shit load of pressure and SHE should do more? Just wow. Have a word with yourself.

Thank you everyone, I have read all of the replies.

today was Father’s Day, he was at work but I decided to surprise him with a takeaway when he came home. We don’t get them often unless he buys them. Even this was an issue. He told me a few weeks ago ‘I have never come home and had you surprise me with a takeaway’. So I have done just that this evening and he couldn’t even bring himself to say thank you.

instead, he proceeded to go mad and tell me how stupid I am for spending £45 on a kebab (yes I agree it was expensive but the delivery fee and service charge added an extra £7 on and it was more convenient to have it delivered). I really thought I was doing something he liked, he suggested it to me recently complaining and now he’s mad and telling me he didn’t even like it, he didn’t want kebab, we could have gone to Nando’s for that price etc etc.

he’s told me I am the most stupid and dumb person he has ever known and it’s a shame he’s had kids with me. It’s 9pm and he’s told me to deep clean the bathroom and wash all of the floor before I come to bed….

in the midst of being rude to me and calling me dumb he also said ‘tomorrow you’re probably going to go to your workout class (then mimicked me doing exercise in a patronising way) and then you’re probably going to do your course and try to act professional and dress professional’. I then asked him ‘what would you like me to do tomorrow?’ His reply was ‘reskill and get a career!’. I’m genuinely confused, I tried to tell him that’s exactly what the course is for but he just carried on being rude and telling me I should go back to the job I was doing before I had kids (which he has been telling me for years will never get me anywhere and I should reskill). He’s told me again that this course will not get me anywhere and when it’s finished I will go back to being ‘a bum’.

I had planned to continue with the course tomorrow when the kids are at school, now I’m feeling negative and unmotivated about it again. He’s stormed off into the bedroom and once again I’m just alone

he’s told me I am the most stupid and dumb person he has ever known and it’s a shame he’s had kids with me. It’s 9pm and he’s told me to deep clean the bathroom and wash all of the floor before I come to bed….

Who does he think you are, Cinderella and he's your evil stepmother?

OP listen. He's a cunt. He's a nasty piece of work. A bully. He treats you with contempt. He doesn't respect you.

He says you are stupid and that he wishes he hadn't had kids with you.

Take him at his word. He's telling you he doesn't like you, doesn't love you, thinks you're stupid, thinks you should do as you're told.

You wouldn't ever have agreed to be in a relationship with someone like that, would you?

Of course not.

The fact you now have kids together doesn't change the fact that it's still completely unacceptable to treat someone the way he treats you. To speak to someone the way he speaks to you.

If you stay in a relationship with this man, you're going to teach your children that this is what a normal relationship looks like.

If you don't leave for your sake, leave for theirs.

I’m so sorry 😞 I believe he is threatened by the prospect of you becoming independent, coming into your own power.

Please continue with your course. You are doing so well. Also, start thinking seriously about your future happiness and that of your children

What he's saying to you will never make sense because it's designed to confuse you, it doesn't make any sense. Stop trying to get it right, and be good so he will be reasonable. He never will. He will keep moving the goalposts until you have literally lost your mind.

Do you have any family OP?

And what do you think about all of this? Do you want to stay with him long-term? Or are you planning to leave after the course?

This isn't normal, he's treating you like a servant. I honestly couldn't stay with someone like that. Why the fuck can't he wash his own dishes?