How common is actual ’romance’?

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

Like love letters.

Romantic dates - silent walks, fireplace, I don't mean hotel room and a shag.

Just being without pressure to have sex.

Suprise holidays

kind word, not about look, about personality

etc

Prob rare I would guess

Thoughtful gifts with meaning behid it….

How did you answer so fast!?
In literal second! 😱😆

Dunno I just did

I’ve been with my DH almost 20 years and I would say he is still quite “romantic”.
A couple of times a year, he books us surprise trips away, just for a night or two. No expectation of sex etc, but just because like everyone, we are busy and it’s nice to get away and just be. He also occasionally will declare a Saturday a “date day” where I don’t have to do anything. He does all the jobs and cooks a 3 course lunch, sets the table properly, opens the good wine. We usually end up chatting shite for hours then dancing around the kitchen 🤣🤣 He also tells me I’m the nicest person he’s ever met - I’m definitely, definitely not, but he really seems to think so!!

I don't know.

My partner and I do all of those things (except love letters) without expectation of sex. He often compliments me on things that aren't looks related.

Some of your examples sound a bit like a formulaic template of what the movies say that romance is supposed to look like; but in terms of planning surprise trips or events for each other, finding random gifts just because, dates or outings planned to weird places we know the other would like, quality time just bimbling somewhere, encouraging words for each other etc - DH and I do all of those things for each other. I wouldn’t call it romance though, just being in a healthy relationship where you enjoy making each other happy. All of my relationships have been like it, I’d say, to some extent or another.

Is it very specifically the log cabins and open fires and love letters with a dozen red roses sort of “romance” you want? Have you never done any of the above in my list for a partner and they you? But just haven’t thought them romantic gestures because they aren’t what you specifically think of as romantic, maybe?

Extremely rare I would say, and non existent after the honeymoon period.

I'd never want a surprise holiday though, sounds stressful!

And in terms of whether it’s common, I’d say the majority of our friends in relationships do the things I’ve mentioned for each other. But I doubt they’d think they were being specifically romantic either, though.

Been together 20 years and yes husband books random trips to the spa for us, suites in castles and lovely restaurants. He's always done this. He randomly buys me flowers and small gifts too. He is very thoughtful.

My DP will bring me fresh flowers in every 2 weeks.

My DP. We are both like this with each other. Always have been.

He leaves posit notes most mornings and I now have a full jar of cute notes. Can't wait to show our DDs when they're old enough.

He made me a beautiful memory book when I had our first DD.

He books us nights away.

He buys me my favourite deodorants, body wash and body sprays, dove moisturiser tan in bulk🤣

The list is endless tbh. I never thought I'd meet anyone like him. At first I thought he was doing it to impress me, but years later and 2 DC later he still does it. It will be lovely for the kids to see how they should be treat and not to settle, like I used too.

I count my blessings every single day (as does he 😉)

I consider DH and I not to be romantic. We don’t make a bit fuss on Valentine’s Day etc. But I’d consider it normal to have nice dates, meals outs, walks (not silent!), going to gigs or galleries. Evenings spent together.

Being thoughtful and picking me up my favourite chocolates. Offering to help me with stuff (and vice versa).

Is it very specifically the log cabins and open fires and love letters with a dozen red roses sort of “romance” you want?

Yes. And to me that us romance, without the ’’

And no, I’ve never experienced any of it.

Also, if that’s bit romance, then what is.
We’re all different of course, but to me that’s exacactly what romance is and the big part of why borher even being in a relationship. Everything else I can do and deal myself, except romancing myself!

DP does most of those things, except for the surprise holidays- and that's because he know show much I love researching/planning holidays. He does come up with ideas for days out though, which I would never have thought of. But he also does a lot of things that many people wouldn't necessarily call romantic- acts of service, as it's been called, which make me feel cherished. We've been together for 7 years.

But- I've been married twice before. Neither of my husbands ever organised even a day or meal out during our marriages- although XH#2 did organise a couple of things once I'd told him I wanted a divorce (far too little far too late of course). So based on that, I'd say it wasn't rare, but not exactly common either. 1 in 3, if you like 😁

I think (and obviously I'm generalising massively here based on personal experience) that some men just 'give up' once they know they've 'hooked' you- indeed, my first husband used to say "I married you didn't I"? like it was some kind of massive favour to me and therefore absolved him of any responsibility to make any further effort. Some men, of course, don't put any effort in to start with, whether it's because of laziness, or feeling entitled, or clueless, or fearing it may make them look less 'manly', or whatever. And yet they still manage to attract partners- so why would they change?

Aaahh!
Flowers!
I’d love that so much 😫😭

Maybe its because we have spent long periods of our relationship apart, but I've definitely had "romance" from DH.

During the initial few months of his Arny training for example, he was expected to write letters. So I have the love letters he wrote to me.

We try to have an adults only couple of days around our anniversary each year.

He will buy one bunch of my wedding flowers each summer as well.

I think it depends how you define 'romance'. DH and I have been together over 30 years and he does thoughtful things for me all the time - but he is not remotely 'romantic'. But finding your car has been scraped and warmed up for you on a cold winter morning, coming back tired to a nice home made meal, getting a lift back from a night out so you don't have to wait for a bus. Just the little things that show everyday kindness matter more to me than red roses. Love is a doing word.

So a partner could plan e.g. a tickets to a concert, or a trip to a city, or buy you new sunglasses because they knew your favourite pair were scratched; but you wouldn’t consider these things romance, because what you wanted was a walk in the woods, or a weekend in cosy log cabin, or a bunch of roses?

If so, perhaps this is about setting and communicating expectations in a relationship. You have an expectation of specific things to demonstrate romance, but this isn’t being conveyed, so you’re ending up frustrated that you aren’t getting the idea you had in your head, but somebody else’s idea of romance.

Tbh I'd find someone like that quite damp.

I'd rather passion than romance.

Some of what's romance I find cringy.

Kindness is expected.

My DH has never ever bought me flowers ( not even when i was very ill) but he has written a poem for me. He will do anything i ask but would never think to put the kettle on. He would never organise a break away( he wouldn't know where to start) but id more than happy for me to go away with friends. He is not romantic in a Hollywood way but in his own way. It is not all about flowers and log cabins.

"Romance" is one of those words that has been hijacked by Hollywood. Being romantic is nothing to do with being in a relationship - think of the Romantic poets - it is more about someone's world view, having an idealised view of reality.
So, once the early days of a relationship are past, I would view the cliched "romantic" gestures with some suspicion, tbh. If a partner is respectful and supportive - and gives you space to be yourself/do your own thing - I'd say you're onto a winner.

I think everyone has a different view of romance.

DH and I do typical romantic things for each other quite a bit, we'll take it in turns to book a restaurant for a date, or a spa or a night away.

I'll go get him a Starbucks coffee he said he liked when he's having a stressful day at work

He'll find and order me leggings with pockets in.

I'll rub his feet as we watch t.v.

He'll give me a full body exfoliation.

But on a smaller level we continuously say positive things to each other, I'm going through a really rough time at the moment and every day he tells me how proud he is of how I'm dealing with it, and picks something he's specifically seen/heard/noticed.

We never go a day without saying we love each other.

And "expectation of sex" I hate this idea. I hate the "expectation" that sex is something men want and women do under duress almost.

I actively want, and seek out sex with DH because I fancie him, I love him, I feel more connected after sex. It's not a "gift" I give him. It's something we share, exclusively with each other.

Also a silent walk? That would be awful.

Huh?

I said no such thing.
Although, personally, in my case they would know not to book concert tickets, because they’d know I hate concerts 😉

Anyway, things along these lines would be the small thoughtfull gifts I mentioned….

@JustFrustrated Thank you (and others) for listing some things.
Helped me to really see what everyone sees romantic, or nice etc thing to do.
And I see that the point is more what everyone appreciate.

Also a silent walk? That would be awful.
😇 Yes, sounds amazing to me, I’m tired of people just yapping on and on.
But it’s cool it’s not for you, I felt the exactly thw same while reading of spa and full body exfoliation 😁

Yeah, I really don’t care about nor want sex, that’s why singled it out, I didn’t want buch of people come and say they have romance because thwy have sex.
There’s always veen massive oressure to have it, sadly.

I think I have a romantic relationship (together 8 years). He doesn’t buy my flowers, but he does listen to me and for birthdays and Christmas he gives me things that I’ve mentioned in passing I like, or shown I like. Last year, for example, he noticed I was listening a particular album a lot, so he bought us tickets/flights/hotel to go overseas to see them. He rubs my back in bed, he laughs at my terrible jokes, he does his fair share in the house. We go out for dinner 3-4 times a month. He holds my hand in public and is proud to be with me. He tells me I’m beautiful all the time (I’m in my 50s and quite fat). That said, we do have an enthusiastic and passionate relationship, and I think I would find it difficult to be romantic if physical intimacy wasn’t part of the overall package.