How common is actual ’romance’?

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

Like love letters.

Romantic dates - silent walks, fireplace, I don't mean hotel room and a shag.

Just being without pressure to have sex.

Suprise holidays

kind word, not about look, about personality

etc

Cross post, sorry OP. Sounds like you just really need a break and some silent company.

I like this thread.

Romance doesn't exist - not as something that applies to everyone across the board, anyway. Romantic gestures inherently have to be very specific to the individual. To me romance is something that makes me feel cherished as a person - something that takes into account my likes, my dislikes, the things that get me going, not necessarily other women. Basically romance is feeling seen as an individual and loved for that. When DP cooks my favourite meal to cheer me up, for instance.

I think the only traditionally romantic thing we like is dinner at a fancy restaurant.

Not sure whether I'd cringe harder reading or writing a love letter.

No interest in flowers on any level.

Hate surprise parties and holidays, I want advance knowledge of anything that takes up my time thanks and I also want input into planning it.

The only silent walks we've ever been on are because we've had an argument and are Not Talking To Each Other!

Hotel room and a shag sounds excellent though.

But a good partner will pay attention to what YOU like and dislike, not what Hollywood tells him "all women" like.

I think people are getting irked because what you consider romantic in your examples in the op aren't theirs. It's obvious you mean old fashioned romance even though I think a silent walk is triggering because that sounds like being forced to hang out together after fighting in the car or because you're stuck on holiday together and this is the silent treatment.......
I think there are some romantic men but depending on their age and generation, their idea of romance might be different to you. Youngsters would find it romantic to make a tiktok about their love than write a letter and send a dozen of roses, for example.

It's a bit like a sense of humour, it varies greatly so saying you've a sense of humour is... not a guarantee of compatibility because it can mean many things.

I think courting patiently without pressure or expectation of sex will depend on your culture, how you met them and what sort of person they are. I imagine asexual and religious people are more likely to romance without sex.

Ah, I remember you. You want a fairly rigid and stereotyped version of "romantic" activities, but you don't like having sex.

There are lots of couples who have "romance" in all kinds of ways, from the cheesy doing-it-because-it's-in-romcoms horse-and-carriage stuff to the more authentic and lived-in surprise cups of coffee and warming the car up for you. But what you want specifically is pretty... Niche.

(Why do you want a silent walk anyway? What specifically appeals to you about walking with someone else and not talking? Or sitting in front of a fire? Is it just that it's a movie shorthand for This Is Romantic?)

I think this is about your feelings about sex again, and your resentment that most people expect (and want) a romantic relationship to be sexual.

Well without wanting to sound smug… I’d had a difficult day yesterday and was at home cutting the grass. My OH was meant to be going straight from work to see his kids. But he left work early, took a detour, surprised me to come and give me a big hug. Stayed for 5 mi utes then left. For me that is the most romantic thing ever. He doesn’t earn much and can’t buy me things, but this was worth a million dollars.

I think those activities related to romance is weird. Our idea of romance is doing fun things together like camping or going to a festival. Silent walks sound awful

Well I'm only a few months in to my current relationship so maybe he's on his best behaviour but I don't think so. He's bought my flowers 4 times, done jobs around my house, cooked for me, looked after me when i was sick, written songs for me and booked a trip away. Off to a good start anyway. My ex DH bought me flowers once after an argument. I never want to be in a relationship without small acts of kindness and thoughtfulness.

A romantic relationship, as opposed to platonic, is about two people who have sexual desire and passion for each other, that is displayed through "romantic" gestures and shagging. For me the two are interlinked, and I'm a woman who loves sex, and the feeling of being wanted and desired, and desiring my partner.

We have sex twice a day generally, and nice walks, and flowers and sweet messages. To see sex as something women endure is sad

Not wanting to hear someone "yapping on" sounds like you just don't enjoy their company/conversation

I think the term romance makes it sound Mills and Boon but I think this definition sums it up for me

"words and behaviours that represent that they are loved, cherished, valued, respected and desired"

So as to that definition, yes, been married to Dh for almost 25 years, he clears the ice from my windscreen because he knows I am too short to reach the middle of the screen without standing on the door frame of the car, he leaves me post it notes in the fridge, buys me small treat items just because and it shows that he listens to what I like. I also do these types of things in return. It demonstrates you are thinking about them. The way I describe it to my older teen sons is treat someone 10 years in the way you did in the first year, put the phone down and listen to each other.

We can't do surprise holidays as we have children that need us for stuff but Dh will take a morning off work and we will go and have breakfast together. We have however started planning holidays for when Ds2 is at uni next year.

DH and I often walk the dog in companionable silence or we rabbit on about whatever. He does buy me flowers. But also we do have passionate sex. It would be a bit weird to not? Otherwise to be honest he could just be my best friend. My female friends have bought me flowers when I'm down and have booked spa weekends as a surprise on birthdays etc. If you don't want the sex then you just need better friends! My female friends buy way more thoughtful gifts than DH. He's fairly rubbish at it though he does try!

I think a silent walk is triggering because that sounds like being forced to hang out together after fighting in the car or because you're stuck on holiday together and this is the silent treatment.......

Thank you for explaining this, I was wondering why that was the thing people picked and were so againts it.
Didn’t think that for some that’s a thing/ correlation.

It’s just that for me, I want someone to want to be with me, in that moment, not because they just have to talk for sake of talking, going on and on about themselves or whatever. More as in we know each other, it’s safe, don’t have to fill the void, and just want to be there - withous asking (for) anything.

Are you talking about romance, or simply 'a relationship that meets your needs and makes you happy'?

I’d really like if we didn’t turn this into about se, if tou have it, cool, but for this thread you can leave it out, thanks.

There are so many threads (& so much pressure to do it in our society) where it’s just turns into shaming/blaming/feeling sorry for those who can’t have or don’t care about sex.
So, I’d like to keep this about romantic things, please.

I have a romantic relationship. Surprise trips, cosy fire place snuggles in winter, thoughtful gifts and flowers just because, frequently take a bottle of wine to the sunset near us and just enjoy the moment. I will never be moaning on here about a shitty bday, Christmas or v day.

but it comes with a hot sex life. The romance leads to other things, and they can’t exist without the other in a relationship where both people have sexual desire. It’s all courting, peacocking and the romantic life and the sex life are completely linked- even if we have been married for some time.

I know this isn’t AIBU- but it is unreasonable and somewhat fruitless to yearn for this courting without the sex, unless you want to date a man much older than yourself with erectile dysfunction or other sex issues that they have made peace with. And I think men like that who have made peace with the situation are very very rare.

Saturday date day sounds amazing. 😍

I hope you didn’t actually mean to be so cruel on purpose.
I know it’s hard to find, but that was just so uncalled for. For no reason.

I’m very sorry that you are hurting, and it was not attention to appear cruel but I have scoured my posts for any personal attacks and cannot find any?

I think what people find romantic is different for everyone. If you're looking for big Hollywood romance, love letters, dramatic declarations of lov etc, then no, I don't think you'll find a lot of it outside of the movies.

But for most people, romance is about the small things. Yes, I'll buy flowers for DP, but I reckon she finds the fact that I've just gone out of my way to buy her oat milk, because I noticed she'd nearly run out even though she's the only one who drinks it the more romantic thing.

And I do think you'll struggle to find romance where there's no sex, the two things are intrinsically linked. Birds so funny little mating dances and build intricate nests, humans do chocolates and rose petals on the bed. You're best off looking for a partner whos asexual if that's what you want.

Do you think there needs to be a 'personal attack'? It was unpleasant of you to suggest that it is 'unreasonable and fruitless' for OP to want what she wants. It was inaccurate to say that what she wants is 'very very rare'. There are many well populated dating sites for asexual people, now. Have you tried any of them, @IsThereAnEchoInHere ?

If you want some practical advice- then with online dating, craft a lovely profile but make it very obvious that you are NOT looking for a sexual relationship. Like as the introductory comment.

You will still have a flurry of men who will see you as a conquest and try and change your mind so you will need a very, very thick skin. As i aforementioned, you’ll encounter a lot of men who have sex issues- and you’ll be dealing with them feeling emasculated and tantrumming in other ways.

however- there is a chance you will meet an older gentlemen who personally (not for all old people of course) thinks that stage of his life is behind him. Or perhaps a widower who is still sexually ‘faithful’ to his wife. Or a man who has dealt with his ED issues and wants companionship. But as I have said, this is rare and will take persistent dating and some effort.

when dating you will need to look for a man who arranges dates dynamically, doesn’t split the bill in the early days and is absolutely keen as mustard. A man who isn’t pulling his weight early on to impress you, will never pull his weight romantically.

Me and my partner have been together 4 years. We still send love notes. I go to sleep after him and I send one from my phone almost every night. Late last year we went on a surprise trip to Venice, I'd booked it all and arranged it, I even managed to get him on the plane thinking we were visiting a friend and the flights had a detour. He didn't question any of my arrangements as he had been so busy with work so it worked out well! We do long walks. Picnics now the weather is good for it. We go to the pub once a week for a couple of drinks.
He's incredibly respectful and conscientious. He's very gentle and I've never felt pressured to do anything in any situation. He works very hard at his job and built our home himself which is an amazing achievement and took 2 years, he still always had time for me and always prioritises me in every situation. I've never met a man like him and I know I never would again so he's definitely a keeper. He stands up for what he believes, he's a great communicator. He is very affectionate but we are both more reserved when around family and friends as nobody needs to know we still act like lovesick teenagers. It's amazing. I never thought I'd find somebody who understood me. He's encouraging of my hobbies and creative pursuits, he compliments me all the time and he gives honest feedback about outfits I wear or clothes I might buy when we go shopping, which means a lot to me as carting a disinterested man around clothes stores is a total bore.
He looks at me in a way nobody has ever looked at me and makes me feel like a better person than I probably am.

You seem to think you know all about it, @Suprima

You will still have a flurry of men who will see you as a conquest and try and change your mind so you will need a very, very thick skin

OP, you don't need a thick skin, you just need to say no thank you to people who want something different from what you want. And to not take advice from idiots.

So you are saying men who lavish surprise gifts, trips
away and romantic dates AND who have no interest in sex aren’t ‘very rare’?

asexual dating is full of men who aren’t asexual and are there for the conquest. It is not a guaranteed safe dating space.