Ending an affair

[Iamahorriblepersonnow]

I am addicted to another man who is divorced. I am married. I keep walking away but keep going back. On the outside I have a lovely life, husband that would do anything for me, okay job, grown up children, but I am depressed, anxious and unhappy. Other man doesn't particularly treat me well. He did in the beginning and lured me in but I keep craving the excitement of how it was . I deserve it I know, I feel on the edge of losing it all for someone who really isnt worth it so what the hell is wrong with me? Feel free to tell me I am horrible - I deserve it.

Quite honestly I'd make an appointment to see a therapist so you can work through all this (and your need for this validation) in a safe and non-judgemental space.

Block all contact, walk away.

You are not addicted you are just not sticking to your decision.

He’s not treating you well - you are literally getting nothing from this.

Make an appointment with your GP, get help for the depression and anxiety. Once that’s under control decide if you work on your marriage or be on your own.

How could anyone know if you’re horrible or not? You do however have choices and options.

So the grass wasn't greener...

If you were a man, you'd be ripped to shreds. As a woman, you'll probably get a few negative posts, but it's MN, so it'll probably be glossed over with comments like you only live once, cut ties and move on, you deserve to be happy etc etc.

I just think there's a big difference between a drunken kiss and realising that was a huge mistake, and a prolonged affair.

Your husband deserves better.

It sounds like you need to end both relationships and find happiness in yourself.

Neither of these men are right for you and your husband deserves someone who treats him the way he treats you.

It will all end horribly op as I am sure you are well aware. You admit to being anxious, depressed etc so what help have you sought to overcome this? What you are doing is causing you pain but will cause your family much worse pain. Only you have the power to stop it, act like an adult, take ownership and tell your poor husband. Then seek therapy for yourself and see a GP about your struggles - no good will come of this.

@C1N1C You are 100% right. I am a hypocrite. I liked the flattery and became addicted. I have a nice side and this horrible destructive addiction.

@honeyandfizz I take antidepressants but suffer from insomnia - probably because of the guilt

It's not an addiction. That's a way of absolving yourself of responsibility, but you're not a 'victim' of your own feelings. Lots of married people get crushes. You're really not in a 'poor me' situation, here. You've lied repeatedly to your husband, and broken vows you made to him.

You're not a horrible person, but you have ruined your marriage. You have the option of doing the right thing, now, and coming clean. You have the option of taking responsibility, and dealing with the consequences.

Why don't you choose to be that person?

You're using the word 'addicted' to excuse your own choices.

So if you actual think this is an addiction, get yourself off to the GP and start seeking treatment.

@C1N1C is spot on. If you were a man, dozens of posters would be calling you a c*, wanting to rip your balls off and saying your wife should fleece you for everything you own.

Because you're a woman, some posters will be terribly empathic, reassuring you this is just part of your journey in exploring why you're unhappy and unfulfilled and blaming your husband for not providing the excitement you crave.

A sensible response lies somewhere inbetween. There is hope for saving your marriage; maybe counselling, maybe taking steps to revitalise your relationship. But you know what you're doing is wrong, it's deeply unfair to your husband and you need to make - and stick to- a clean break

While it might seem hard to believe, even with the pain that this affair sounds like it's been causing you, you are getting something emotional from it that you crave. I'd definitely recommend therapy.

Yes, it's giving you something you need. Find a therapist and get ready to do some very hard work re-examining everything about yourself and your relationships. At least you've realised that this OM doesn't treat you well, and that leaving your marriage for him would be profoundly stupid. Having said that, you don't say you love your husband, only that he 'would do anything for you'. How is your marriage?

@watermeloncougar I don't want empathy. I want people to tell me how nasty I am - because I am. Affairs are destructive, wrong and disgusting. I don't mind who wants to rip me apart because I can't feel any worse than I do right now.

@Annipeck yes I do love my husband but I think many people would say that I don't because of what I have done. Leaving a marriage for him would be suicide and that's what I don't understand about myself. I must be wired up wrong.

Why do you want people to tell you how nasty you are, if you can't feel worse? What will it do for you?

Lordy, you really want people to rip you apart, tell you how awful you are?

Stop with all the self hatred, yup, you did a shitty thing. And you feel shitty about it. But why? And what changes are you going to make going forward to make better choices? I say this as someone who had an affair and cheated many times on my ex husband

I was in your position many years ago. My self loathing was unbearable and I still get pangs of it many years later. I'm not going to rip you apart.

You can turn this around, if you want to. Throw yourself into loving your husband. Give him the flattery you craved.

My husband (then, just fiance) forgave me years before I could forgive myself - I still haven't entirely. But some things helped, such as confiding in friends. I found out several couples I knew had been through the same. It's much more common than you think.

Another thing that helped was I got married a few years later and it helped a lot to make marriage vows. I take vows really seriously - maybe re-read yours (if you made them).

Stop loathing yourself. It's not helpful. Look outwards. Forget whether or not you deserve your husband: just try to treat him right from now on

@Watchkeys To be told I am horrible because it might shake me out of this pit of depression and realise what a twat I have been.

The anxiety you're feeling isn't (in my opinion) caused by guilt it's caused by fear. Fear that it'll be found out, fear that you are risking everything when you know, if it all blows up, that you'll be left with nothing. Fear that you don't recognise yourself any more.

I assume (correct me if I'm wrong) that you have contact from your AP every day? But you'll have gaps for holidays etc where you go no contact? How do you feel then, still as anxious, or almost relieved?

Another thing that helped was my dh (then fiance) bought a book about recovering a relationship after an affair. (I can't remember what it was called, I couldn't bear to read it myself) but a bit I remember him telling me was that regaining trust is like carrying a bowling ball down the stairs. If I made a slip then it would fall down all the stairs again.

I did lots of subtle things like casually letting him see who I was texting, or sending him selfies of who I was with, or coming home early and spending the evening with him instead of drinks after work on a Friday etc. He didn't ask me to do any of those things, I just did as much as I could to "let him in" to everything I was thinking and doing. Rambling anecdotes of my day (as well as asking him about his, obvs). I prioritised my female friends more. It was all worth it and I couldn't be happier now and I'm so glad I turned that corner.

I hope my story helps. All the best

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth I feel relief when we are not in contact. When we are in contact its constant anxiety. We do not speak everyday.

@Mummy08m Thank you.

Can I ask how long it's been going on for? I'm not judging you and I don't think you're a bad person by the way, life is rarely black and white. Getting into situations is a heck of a lot easier than getting out of them, but you can absolutely do it.

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth On a off a couple of years - lots of time in between with no contact. I havent seen him for a while.

Either see a therapist
or tell your husband who can make a decision for you.