Ending an affair

[Iamahorriblepersonnow]

I am addicted to another man who is divorced. I am married. I keep walking away but keep going back. On the outside I have a lovely life, husband that would do anything for me, okay job, grown up children, but I am depressed, anxious and unhappy. Other man doesn't particularly treat me well. He did in the beginning and lured me in but I keep craving the excitement of how it was . I deserve it I know, I feel on the edge of losing it all for someone who really isnt worth it so what the hell is wrong with me? Feel free to tell me I am horrible - I deserve it.

Stop shagging him and having contact, you're caught in some oxytocin, dopamine thing.

He treats you poorly; get rid.

One further point, you need to ask yourself why you did this. What allowed you to set aside your integrity and morals? Your marriage didn’t cause you to do this. Normally only one party cheats. Something inside you allowed you to do this. It’s not being bored or unloved or lack of sex btw. In my opinion you need to find why you stepped outside your own values to be validated by a man who is happy to be your secret hidden in the shadows.

Cheating and making yourself feel like crap will not help your self esteem. Having smoke blown up your butt by another person may help in the short term but long term it will make you feel shit. Then you need more butt smoke- rinse repeat. But if the OM had your interests at heart then he’d tell you to sort out your shit and return when you are single. Instead he is helping you destroy your integrity and morals - that’s not the sign of a good partner. A good partner enhances your life.

You're not horrible or nasty. You're craving something that is missing in your life. The affair might have made you feel fulfilled for a while. Berating yourself isn't going to help you work through what that missing thing is. I agree that you should try and see a therapist- you need to look inside yourself rather than criticising.

The judgment on here is unreal. There is an can be a sense of addiction and escapism in having an affair. Not in all situations, but in some. In the case of the OP it sounds like the AP was validating something that is missing from her life. As mentioned, therapy will provide a safe, non-judgemental space to work through why you became involved in this.

There are so many keyboard warriors on MN who don't have the education or awareness to do anything other than berate someone from a mistake. The OP came on asking for help, she agrees she has been selfish and hurtful. Turning on her and calling her names is not going to do this. Why are people so spiteful these days? Scroll on if you can't give constructive advice.

Upgrade him for a better affair partner. Plenty out there to choose from online

Tell your husband. That will stop the ‘addiction’ when it’s not an exciting secret, just a sleazy awful thing to do.

Imagine his face, when he finds out. Imagine how he will feel. Imagine the pain realising that is wife decides she was changing the fundamental part of their marriage and took it upon herself to make it an open marriage without telling him.

Sit and imagine, really imagine, what damage this will do your kids. What they will think of you? What will it do to your relationship with them. When they realise how badly, their mother has been treating their father.

Personally, I think affairs are abuse. You are keeping someone in a marriage under false pretences, expending emotional and physical energy on someone else all while using your spouse. You are lying. Often gaslighting. And you don’t even have the basic respect for your spouse to give them enough information to make an informed decision. This is why I never believe people, having affairs who say ‘ it I still love my husband/wife’. How can it be love if you don’t respect them and keep them from making an informed decision about wether they consent to continue the relationship.

You need to learn to be happy on your own and go from there. Please also stop doing this to your husband

Yeah that's right - tell your husband and make him feel utterly shit so you can be punished but feel better about yourself for having "done the right thing".

Your husband can live happily in ignorance or be tortured by the images you put in his head. Your choice.

I’ve just found out recently that my DH was having an affair. It would have been 100% better if he’d called it off. Instead it feels like I’ve done it! Your DH will be distraught and so will your DCs. Stop it now before you cause more hurt. I think you need to call off the affair and give it a couple of months to get your head straight and then tell your DH. I would have had a lot more respect for my DH if he’d confessed and broke it off because then I would have known that it was over. Instead I’m living in some sort of limbo and I don’t know what to do.