Ending an affair

[Iamahorriblepersonnow]

I am addicted to another man who is divorced. I am married. I keep walking away but keep going back. On the outside I have a lovely life, husband that would do anything for me, okay job, grown up children, but I am depressed, anxious and unhappy. Other man doesn't particularly treat me well. He did in the beginning and lured me in but I keep craving the excitement of how it was . I deserve it I know, I feel on the edge of losing it all for someone who really isnt worth it so what the hell is wrong with me? Feel free to tell me I am horrible - I deserve it.

The addiction and self flagellation stuff is very self indulgent. Ditch the other man and ask your husband for a divorce. Neither is making you happy and your marriage is over anyway.

@AnneLovesGilbert If I came on here singing and dancing about it I would be wrong as well? I won't post again. I don't want to be told I am self-indulgent because I am not. I've fucked up and admitted it.

@Iamahorriblepersonnow Well, you did say you came here for a pasting. And - be honest with yourself, you haven't admitted it to the person that counts in all this right? You've admitted it to yourself and a handful of internet strangers. You obviously know this isn't right, you obviously know it's not serving you - therapy as others have suggested. Before you tank your life for no good reason

But you've fucked up and made excuses and keep continuing with it.

Cut all contact. Block him. If you haven't seen him in a long time just stop communicating with him.

In that case OP I wonder if it's tangled up with a friendship that you'll miss too?

I know you keep going back, but you also are finding the strength to get away. Time to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you want your old self back. Take a huge deep breath and then press block on everything. Then keep busy. Plan things, tidy things, phone out of your hand as much as possible - you get the idea.

Only you can do this, it's going to be hard at first, but living with a lie and anxiety is ten times harder, and you've been doing that for a long time now. You're going to be sad, but that's OK, because you know deep down anything is better than how you're feeling now.

Your self esteem is battered. It will have been low in the first place for you to have got involved with someone else, but it'll be much lower now. Let me guess.....One minute you're being charmed and he's lovely/caring/interested/ you feel alive -then you're unimportant, trying to work out what you've done wrong. Then just when you think you're strong enough to get out there's just a scrap of charm that makes you think he does care after all? You start feeling even more worthless and so it continues......

Take the power back OP, right now whilst you have this thread for support. I wish you well.

You are not a "horrible person" just a human who likes being flattered and noticed! Do you think there is a future for you and DP? or with OM.You need to decide and act upon it.Has your marriage gone a little stale .Maybe.Think about what you want. Your DH probably has vibes anyway.Your DC are grown up but will still feel upset if you were to part.

Hi OP. I have been in your shoes. Here are my tips for successfully ending it:

1. Slow fade. If your affair partner (AP) gets in touch and wants to meet, invent life reasons to be extremely busy (caring for a relative, or similar). With my AP, whenever I was honest and said I wanted to end it, he would respond by acting "hurt" and guilt me into continuing the affair. Now that I have just been saying that there are too many life demands for a meet up to be feasible, he is gradually losing interest, and I am better able to stick to my guns, in terms of never seeing him again.

2. Recognise the trade off. Meeting with your AP is probably a few hours, at best, of a dopamine rush and feeling great followed by days/months of self loathing and guilt. Think about how crap you will feel afterwards, and for how long this lasts, rather than the immediate short term "hit" you get from seeing him.

3. Realise that the affair is only exciting because by its very nature, it keeps a relationship in a perpetual "honeymoon" stage. It's not reality, because you never progress to the type of stresses of a normal relationship. It's like a carefree first date over and over again. If you were to have a real relationship with your AP, the excitement and dopamine rush would fade after a few months, as happens once relationships become long-term, and you would be in a similar situation to your marriage, just with a different partner, and probably someone who you have less in common with than your DH.

4. Work out what made you vulnerable to the affair. E.g. any ongoing mental health issues with made the dopamine rush of the affair all that more attractive as a temporary distraction or coping mechanism. Do what you can to sort these out.

5. People on here will tell you that you need to confess all to your spouse, but in my opinion, it's incredibly selfish and only serves to reduce your own guilt while hurting your spouse in the process. I reduce my guilt by trying to be a better partner and focusing on how well I am doing by not getting dragged back into the affair.

Best of luck, and I hope that the other posters aren't too brutal, as this type of post can bring out the vipers.

People on here will tell you that you need to confess all to your spouse, but in my opinion, it's incredibly selfish and only serves to reduce your own guilt while hurting your spouse in the process

I agree with this and all of @AbcAnon 's sound advice. I wasn't strong enough to keep it a secret from my dh but if I had been stronger, it would have been the right thing to do.

You need to end it but you also need to tell your husband. He needs to be able to make an informed choice about whether he stays married to someone who’s doing what you’re doing.

This is the kind of thing someone who can’t deal with the turmoil and hurt they’ve caused someone would say. Lack of accountability for your actions. If you cared at all about how it would impact the other person you wouldn’t have done it. It’s quite simple.

I have been on both sides I hated myself during the affair, but then when it happened to me I really hated myself.
I don't think you can understand the pain unless it happens to you
I used to think people do worse than affairs but when it happens to you it shreds you of all self worth & I haven't experienced anything worse.

Why did you feel the need to say this? So that op and I can say, "well done for being better than us"?

Here it is: well done for being better than us.

@Mummy08m it's not about anyone being better than anybody else.

Yes it would be painful to know you have been cheated on but if it was me I'd rather know than find out 10 years down the line and not be given the opportunity to make my own decision as to how I dealt with knowing someone I love and trust isn't who I thought they were

I'm not sure whether or not you've been in this position. I also don't think you've read my comments. My husband knew all along.

I'm not the one here saying what somebody should or shouldn't have done or accusing someone of not caring about their husband. That does read quite a lot like implying they think they're a better person/wife than me. Which no doubt, they probably are. I'm not trying to defend my actions. I'm trying to give the op the benefit of my story.

Agree with those who are telling you to get therapy.

And, since you asked people to give it to you straight: how can any of us know if you're a horrible person. That ramps up the stakes straightaway. It's not about being horrible.
What you are doing is weak and selfish and self-indulgent. It's time to put your husband first. Only you can know whether he's the sort of person who would want to know what you've done or would be happier not knowing. But put him first - he deserves that at least.

@Mummy08m I was responding to your response to that poster specifically, about them claiming to be a better person than you, which they're not.

You said if you were stronger you'd have kept it a secret - but that wouldn't be better for the person being cheated on - it would only be better for you because you wouldn't have to repair their trust in you.

I agree, I think maybe a drunken fumble /one night stand could be forgiven by a spouse but an affair is a completely different kettle of fish.
All performed stone cold sober and on a continuous basis, undertaken entirely for ones own benefit, be it an attractive affair partner, an ego boost or a form of one upmanship in the marriage.

It's not love to execute an affair, it's continuous lying, backstabbing and taking the person you bonded with as a mug, it is the height of disrespect, disloyalty and cruelty.

So on that note to continue to then take away someones choices as to whether they wish to remain with someone so lacking in values is abhorant.

Op, it sounds to me as though you are missing your fix, and for whatever reason I don't believe you have a choice in who you wish to be with, I agree with a pp that your feelings are not guilt, it is fear, fear of losing the back up of a loyal husband and the fear that you are unable to dictate who you can actually be with.

Coming to terms with your limitations is hard but very predictable, it's usually the case that many who innitiate affairs end up being futher damaged by their own inadequacies.

You have asked what is wrong with you in your OP and you have been told but you don't like the responses.

You need to end your marriage, very unfair on your husband.

Read ‘how to help you spouse heal from an affair’
Go into the surviving infidelity website.
Read ‘not just friends’ by Shirley glass.
Read The body keeps the score.

Being cheated on causes PISD (similar to post traumatic stress disorder’). Read the books understand the impact of what you are doing to your family. The family you chose to have presumably.

Then water your own lawn. Anyone who sneaks around with a married woman, happy to be a dirty secret isn’t worth having.

I am depressed, anxious and unhappy.

I’d feel the same if I was degrading myself by letting a man who isn’t my husband fuck me behind his back.

@Iamahorriblepersonnow Affairs aren’t black and white. It isn’t as simple as a bad person who can’t help themselves. If it were that simple, they wouldn’t be so very very common.

Instead of beating yourself up, and inviting a pile on, my advice would be try to think about why you did this. There’ll be some unmet need somewhere- excitement, a need to be seen as new, a need to reinvent yourself, a need to break a narrative about the role you play in your marriage. If you want to have a hope of moving on, either in or out of your marriage, please try to understand why you did this. Saying it’s because you’re bad is a cop out.

Does this other man know your husband?

I would definitely block him, even change your number or destroy your phone and make sure he's definitely deleted so there's no way he can contact you or you to contact him.

You have acted terribly, OP. You need some professional help but think about how miserable you are now, you'll be a shell of yourself if you lose it all.

I knew someone who was having an on/off affair. After a while, their constant rumination on it, peppered with guilt and self-hatred, started sounding like a self-indulgent habit and an avoidance strategy to actually do something about it.
I suggest: blocking contact, starting therapy, working on your marriage. That’s really all there is to it. Do it today. Good luck OP.

Good god, the double standards on here is astounding. No judgement from me on your affair but the difference in responses to your thread compared to similar threads posted by a man is mind blowing. Why does a woman receive the softly softly response, but a man is ripped to shreds? What's the difference? None that I can see!

If you're leaving it up to other people to make you feel responsible for yourself, you haven't grown up yet.

Now's the time. Posting here is just another procrastination method.

What actions do you need to take to start moving in the right direction? Tell your partner? End the relationship? Apologise? Tell other people you care about how they feel?

'Realising you have been a twat' is no use to anybody, really, is it? Actually taking steps is what is needed. The longer you put off taking those steps, the longer you put off sorting anything out.

Do you want to sort it out, or do you want to procrastinate? It's your choice. You're in charge. You are responsible. You are an adult.