My partners ex is threatening to cut contact with his son if he spends any time with me

[Lou4545]

I’ve been with my partner for 3 & a half years, we get on really well & I really do love him. I’ve only met his 10 year old son twice during that time as his ex has threatened to cut contact with his son if I’m anywhere near him. His son lives with his ex & my partner has contact a few days a week. He’s still married & hasn’t even started divorce proceedings even though they’ve been separated for around 5yrs. I’ve raised it a few times as I feel that we’re in limbo & can’t move forward in our relationship with the way things are at the moment. My partner said last year he’d start divorce proceedings which hasn’t materialised.

I mentioned it again to my partner this week & said that it might be a good idea for us to have a break to give him the time to figure out what it is he really wants & we've agreed to catch up in a couple of weeks, there’s been no contact at all yet. I’m really struggling as I spoke to him every day until now & will be completely devastated if at the end of the 2wks he ends things as he’s not prepared to jeopardise having a relationship with his son but I also know that if this is the case, it may only have been a matter of time anyway. I just hope I’ve done the right thing & not pushed him away for good.

Why do exes have to use the kids in this way, it happens all the time & it’s so unfair, especially on the kids.

Has anyone else been in a similar position & if so, what was the outcome?

He's married so he will have equal rights and parental responsibility she will not be able to cut off contact- he should document everything she says to him (eg follow up email 'tonight you said...' ) so that this can be used in court if necessary. They should go to a mediator to Discuss this. He should be able to say that he's his father and will decide who he spends time with when it's his time to parent tbh

Well obviously he needs mediation and if necessary court. And to file for divorce.. Not sure how you have put up with this shit for so long.

Does he not have court ordered contact?

The failure to start divorce proceedings seems a bit of a red flag to me. Surely doing that and also getting a court order for contact would help? Is he actually being proactive in sorting the situation with his ex manipulating him by treating no child contact?

My main concern is that he said he'd start divorce proceedings but hasn't yet? What on earth is the hold up!

Weal, he’s no court order as he’s never contacted a solicitor & has never been proactive in trying to sort things out. 😔

Seems a bit weird he hasn't even started the divorce process and is happy to go 2 weeks with no contact with you.
She cannot stop him seeing his kid just because he has a new girlfriend, she knows that and he knows that.

Out of interest, who broke up with who?

Sorry soo! PSeems like the ex isn’t the issue then. If he’s not attempted any contact in the last few weeks either….is that sending a pretty big message?

I’d move on. Find someone better, someone who deserves you. Someone without the difficult ex.

The break was suggested by me & he’s agreed to go along with it, I did say if he wanted to talk sooner that I was here but haven’t had any contact to date. 😢

Imo he is happy ex calls the shots then ultimately his dc is never really his responsibility..
And he may actually like having 2 women in his life...
Throw him back op.

He’s not attempted any contact, it’s only been 4 days but we used to speak every day before I suggested a break.

I meant who broke up with who, him or his ex? Because if it was his ex I would worry he wasn't over her

I can guess where he is op...

Ohh he broke up with his ex, they were separated for a couple of years whilst still living together & he moved out not long before he met me.

You suggested a break though so he's doing that. Don't play silly games expecting him to call you when you've suggested a break.

I'd end it tbh. He's not ready

He needs some decent time on his own being a single father

He hasn't really left her, emotionally. You are/were sleeping with a married man. If he wanted this situation resolved, it would be

Yeah I get that hattyhathat, I’m not expecting him to call, it’s just hard being in a waiting game. I’ve not contacted him for the very same reason - I suggested a break to give him time to figure out what he wants & am giving him the space to do that.

I agree. There is absolutely no reason he couldn't have sorted this

Hattyhathat, I totally respect that but it can’t be 2 completely separate lives in a relationship. I’ve not even met his mum as my partner says she’s scared too about not having contact with her grandson.

@Lou4545
Maybe , he is finding that he is better suited with being both separated from his wife@Lou4545

Hmm. Do you not think that smells a bit? 3.5 years? Why would ex even know you'd met his mum?

@Preps I’ve brought it up a few times with my partner, I’ve met his dad who lives miles away but never his mum, she reckons she doesn’t want to be put in that position as my exes partner has already grilled his mum about me a few times.

OK, but are you definitely sure mum (or ex) know you exist or do you hear all of this from him?

Either way, why on earth have you put up with this for three and a half years?

@Preps I’ve overheard conversations with his mum (she speaks really loudly on the phone sometimes) where she’s mentioned me, just asking if I was there, I’ve no way of knowing if his ex definitely knows about me, I’ve only heard this from my partner.

I’ve put up with it so long as I really do love him & hoped that things would change but I guess I’ll know one way or another soon enough and I’m not prepared to just accept his word about starting divorce proceedings, mediation or whatever, I want some hard evidence.

Hmm. Not sure I’d swallow that OP. He is keeping you at arm’s length.

Do you meet up with his friends as a couple? Or is there some reason that can’t happen either?