My partners ex is threatening to cut contact with his son if he spends any time with me

[Lou4545]

I’ve been with my partner for 3 & a half years, we get on really well & I really do love him. I’ve only met his 10 year old son twice during that time as his ex has threatened to cut contact with his son if I’m anywhere near him. His son lives with his ex & my partner has contact a few days a week. He’s still married & hasn’t even started divorce proceedings even though they’ve been separated for around 5yrs. I’ve raised it a few times as I feel that we’re in limbo & can’t move forward in our relationship with the way things are at the moment. My partner said last year he’d start divorce proceedings which hasn’t materialised.

I mentioned it again to my partner this week & said that it might be a good idea for us to have a break to give him the time to figure out what it is he really wants & we've agreed to catch up in a couple of weeks, there’s been no contact at all yet. I’m really struggling as I spoke to him every day until now & will be completely devastated if at the end of the 2wks he ends things as he’s not prepared to jeopardise having a relationship with his son but I also know that if this is the case, it may only have been a matter of time anyway. I just hope I’ve done the right thing & not pushed him away for good.

Why do exes have to use the kids in this way, it happens all the time & it’s so unfair, especially on the kids.

Has anyone else been in a similar position & if so, what was the outcome?

Thanks for all the replies everyone. It’s actually helped a lot & certainly made things a lot clearer for me.

I’ll leave things for a few days and then make arrangements to meet my partner if I haven’t heard anything from him by then.

I wasn’t in a great place emotionally after initiating the break & with some personal stuff I have going on but now feel a lot stronger about having this out with him properly. Either there will be some drastic changes going forward or I’ll be a single woman again but at least I’ll know once & for all where I stand.

I think there is some information in this scenario that you don't have OP. All sounds very fishy to me.

How much time do you spend together outside the night he stays over with you?

@strawberrywhisk usually I only spend one or 2 weeknights with him plus one night/day at the weekend & the rest of the time my partner is either working or has his son staying with him.

As far as I'm concerned, men or women that are separated but still living together aren't really separated at all. Most normal people will leave after a relationship breakdown not continue to live with the person for a number of years. I call bullshit. He's stringing you along whilst trying to keep you both happy at the same time. He maybe unhappy in that relationship but doesn't have big enough balls to leave. Fuck him off till he's got his shit together or for good, go on dates with other people and maybe you will meet someone that's willing to give you the world not just part of it. Sounds like you are being played.

He's a waste of space. Get rid.

That's a good idea to stay single for a while OP. It sounds like he really wasn't all that into you. In future, don't be so quick to believe a man when he claims his ex is possessive, insane etc. I very much doubt the ex said what he claimed she did. I suspect he doesn't want his son to form an attachment because he doesn't see a future with you.

Blended families are hard work, really hard work. The way they work is for both partners to agree on a way forward and supporting each other in that. Difficult exes, parents, children can all be solved but if you aren't working together it's doomed to fail.

He needs to work with you not against you, and that may mean at times where the child is completely forefront of most decisions- but his ex should never be in that position. If he's put her there and she is calling the shots, then it's game over.

This is all hearsay. It’s what he is telling you about your ex. You haven’t even met his mother so that could all be lies too. leave. This guy is drama.

@Bluebellsbells thanks for the good advice. 😊