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Original poster

My partners ex is threatening to cut contact with his son if he spends any time with me

60 replies

Lou4545 · 11/06/2023 21:32

I’ve been with my partner for 3 & a half years, we get on really well & I really do love him. I’ve only met his 10 year old son twice during that time as his ex has threatened to cut contact with his son if I’m anywhere near him. His son lives with his ex & my partner has contact a few days a week. He’s still married & hasn’t even started divorce proceedings even though they’ve been separated for around 5yrs. I’ve raised it a few times as I feel that we’re in limbo & can’t move forward in our relationship with the way things are at the moment. My partner said last year he’d start divorce proceedings which hasn’t materialised.

I mentioned it again to my partner this week & said that it might be a good idea for us to have a break to give him the time to figure out what it is he really wants & we've agreed to catch up in a couple of weeks, there’s been no contact at all yet. I’m really struggling as I spoke to him every day until now & will be completely devastated if at the end of the 2wks he ends things as he’s not prepared to jeopardise having a relationship with his son but I also know that if this is the case, it may only have been a matter of time anyway. I just hope I’ve done the right thing & not pushed him away for good.

Why do exes have to use the kids in this way, it happens all the time & it’s so unfair, especially on the kids.

Has anyone else been in a similar position & if so, what was the outcome?

OP posts:
Devonshiregal · 11/06/2023 22:47

I see you love him and hoped the break would be like a final push to try get him moving…but that’s not going to get you what you want. This is YOUR life. So YOU should decide what YOU want. Not send some guy off for two weeks to decide if you’re enough for him (?!)

in my experience if a man wants something, or someone, they’ll do what it takes. He hasn’t. And has actively participated in this break idea.

just call him up and tell him the breaks off and you are too if he doesn’t stop pandering to this bullshit.

the ex won’t be able to stop him seeing his kid. The kid will be walking about town by himself pretty soon - the mum won’t be able to stop them meeting.

honestly this is crazy - why is he making this decision which impacts your life so fundamentally?! And why would he need two weeks?!

Original poster
Lou4545 · 11/06/2023 22:52

@Saschka the only people I’ve met in my partners life are his dad & his son a couple of times.

I have 2 teenage daughters who met my partner after 7mths & he stays here overnight one night every weekend. He’s met all my family & been to a few get togethers with them.

OP posts:
SaulGoodman1 · 11/06/2023 22:58

It sounds like he likes you and likes the status quo but isn’t head over heels in love with you.
he isn’t mad about you.

When people are in love they’ll move mountains and bend over backwards to make it happen.

If you’re entirely honest with yourself, do you like him more than he likes you?

different situation but I dated someone once who I was head over heels for. I knew he really liked me too but if I was honest, deep down I liked him more than he did me. If I was to have issued any ultimate I knew he’d be gone so I never did. It’s not that he didn’t like me because he did, it was that he didn’t like me enough to make any sacrifices. It was miserable tbh.

Is this the case with you?

Original poster
Lou4545 · 11/06/2023 23:01

@SaulGoodman1 honestly I’m not sure, he says he loves me but I need to see that in his actions too. I’m mad about him & have never felt this way about a guy before despite being married for a really long time before meeting my partner.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 11/06/2023 23:08

Lou4545 · 11/06/2023 22:11

Ohh he broke up with his ex, they were separated for a couple of years whilst still living together & he moved out not long before he met me.

Sounds like you were the reason for him leaving his marriage? And has he fed you the story about separating from his wife for two years, but says he still lived with her whilst ‘separated’. Because if you have no evidence that this was the case, then it seems he may have fed you a whole load of bullshit here. Sounds like a complicated situation, and you’re better off out of it.

Channellingsophistication · 11/06/2023 23:09

3.5 years is a long time for a relationship to not move forward…

Original poster
Lou4545 · 11/06/2023 23:10

@Livelovebehappy he moved out of the home he shared with his wife a month before he met me & now lives in a flat on his own.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 11/06/2023 23:11

He keeps you at arm’s length…

2 weeks won’t change a thing even if he say’s different.. He has had plenty chance to. Change the situation

Starseeking · 11/06/2023 23:13

Lou4545 · 11/06/2023 22:21

Hattyhathat, I totally respect that but it can’t be 2 completely separate lives in a relationship. I’ve not even met his mum as my partner says she’s scared too about not having contact with her grandson.

I'd be concerned that he's not actually separated from his wife. His DM may have said she doesn't want to facilitate his affair by not meeting "the other woman".

The whole situation sounds a mess OP. If he wanted to divorce his wife, he would have done. If he wanted guaranteed access to his son, it costs £232 to submit the forms to apply for a child arrangements order at court.

I'd chalk up the 3 and a half years of wasted time, and move on from this situation.

Original poster
Lou4545 · 11/06/2023 23:15

@Starseeking that’s really useful to know about the child arrangement’s order but is that in England? I’m in Scotland & it differs a bit here.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 11/06/2023 23:18

Lou4545 · 11/06/2023 21:57

He’s not attempted any contact, it’s only been 4 days but we used to speak every day before I suggested a break.

If he is so lazy that He hasn't even started divorce proceedings yet are you really expecting him to contact you????

Summerfun54321 · 11/06/2023 23:21

3.5 years and he hasn't even filed for divorce!? Get some self respect OP and ditch him.

Saschka · 11/06/2023 23:21

Lou4545 · 11/06/2023 23:10

@Livelovebehappy he moved out of the home he shared with his wife a month before he met me & now lives in a flat on his own.

I doubt he moved out before he started seeing you. I would need some convincing that he hadn’t just pretended he’d dumped you, in order to get back together with her. Hence keeping you well away from his family and friends so nobody finds out he is still seeing you.

He has been seeing you for 3.5 years, but can only see you on one night of the week, always at your house. I really don’t think he is single, OP. He probably tells her he’s staying at his mum’s, or has taken up cycling or something.

Original poster
Lou4545 · 11/06/2023 23:26

@Livelovebehappy I've stayed at his place too & go over there through the week , my kids live with me so it’s easier for him to stay over here more often as my kids aren’t old enough to be left on their own & his son is only with him some of the time.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 11/06/2023 23:30

The thing about his mother is what makes it all seem particularly fishy

Starseeking · 11/06/2023 23:31

Lou4545 · 11/06/2023 23:15

@Starseeking that’s really useful to know about the child arrangement’s order but is that in England? I’m in Scotland & it differs a bit here.

Apologies for the assumption @Lou4545, CAO court cost I stated was for England.

It may not be a significant amount more than that in Scotland, and at the very least I'd have expected your DP to have looked into it in the 3 and a half years you have been together. The fact that he hasn't should tell you something about how he views the future of your relationship.

catscalledbeanz · 11/06/2023 23:36

I disagree that single mothers do this all the time. I instead think gullible women are taken in by liars. Why are you demonising a woman you've not spoken to/ met/ heard from on the word of a man that openly treats you with disdain? One night a week and kept a secret side piece from family and friends? He's not just "not proactive" he's got his cake and is eating it too. Turn your ire to him. Make the break permanent

raisingthebarbell · 11/06/2023 23:37

We had a friend who worked away from home during the week and had a flat he stayed in Monday - Thursday. Turns out he was having an affair for nearly 2 years - his wife found out and they are now divorced (she's not convinced the ow knew he was married but will never know)

ObviouslyNameChanged99 · 11/06/2023 23:45

He's not that into you!

If you're happy to have a casual relationship (not a bad thing) then go with the flow. If you want something more, get rid of him, he's not going to commit.

MajesticWhine · 11/06/2023 23:46

You did the right thing to call a break. It's time to find out if this is going somewhere. Or if he is using you for a nice uncomplicated relationship with no ties.

lunar1 · 11/06/2023 23:56

His wife's supposed rules seem to suit him quite well don't they.

SaulGoodman1 · 12/06/2023 00:00

Do you honestly believe your average sane mum of a school aged child (not newborn) would say to her ex husband of nearly 4 years ’if you ever introduce our son to a partner, you’ll never see him again’.

use common sense. What sane person says that? Why would she do that? What’s the motive?

It’s not a recent break up where you’re the other woman and she’s speaking in anger.

She’s not with him or actively perusing him so it’s not to rekindle their romance.

Presumably she’s not mentally ill and suffering paranoia.

Why would she say that? Unless she didn’t say that and he’s using this made up reason as an excuse to not progress and easily be able to walk away.

Which scenario seems more likely?

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 12/06/2023 00:02

He sounds like a coaster. Whether or not he is serious about you i don't know, but he sounds flakey and the type who needs a flame up his arse to do anything, and I couldn't be doing with that.

Guavafish1 · 12/06/2023 00:20

I don't think he is that into you, especially if 1) he hasn't contacted you 2) not initiated divorce

He clearly likes the status quo and is great at compartmentalising the women in his life.

Time to move on ... find someone who wants the same things together

Preps · 12/06/2023 07:14

OP what would you be advising your friends?

Would you really be swallowing that they hadn't met his mother or any of his friends in 3.5 years because of a crazy ex?

You've been fed all sorts of ridiculousness here and I agree with PP, they were likely still together when you met.

This isn't a decision for him to be given time to make. He's already made it by not really being "in" your relationship in the first place.