Partners friend said he loves me!!

[BouncyBottie]

Need some advice on how to handle this slightly awkward situation and make sense of how I'm feeling... ?

So I'm in a long term, very happy relationship. We have lived together for years and are trying for a baby - we are childhood sweethearts.

I was out with some friends for a drink at the weekend and I bumped into a friend of my partner. We get on well and I have known him for years so we sat with him and his friends for a drink. Everything was fine, until I went up to the bar for a drink and he came with me. He told me that he wanted to talk and went on to say that he knew it was wrong but he was 'absolutely in love with me'. He said how he wished things were different so he had chance with me, that was I beautiful, that he's felt this way for years and had never stopped thinking about me.

I'm a pretty socially awkward person and totally panicked. I kind of laughed it off, said that he must of had too much to drink and that I bet he says that to all the girls when he's drunk....I know. Not ideal. Made my excuses and went home.

But now what? I can't stop thinking about it. I can't lie, it was pretty nice to hear all those words from someone! Do I tell my partner? It is his friend after all? Or does that turn it into a bigger problem than it is and just make him angry/upset for no reason. We will 100% see him again soon, we are all in the same social circle and its only a matter of time....I already feel sick at the thought.

Poor bloke. Say nothing to anyone and hope he gets over it and goes on to find happiness and love with someone who is free.

Was he drunk? I'd ignore this time but if he brings it up again make politely clear that whilst you're happy to see him socially, you don't feel the same and are happy with your husband therefore you don't want to have this conversation again. If he does it again let your DH know. Make clear you don't want any trouble but won't have secrets.

Don't let flattery sway you into having regular 'chats' with him etc. As you say, he could be saying this to all the women. Is there something missing with DH that makes this sort of talk feel so welcome?

Personally I would tell my partner.

I don’t know why you wouldn’t.

I think you did the right thing playing it off that he was drunk.

I would tell my partner, but that would depend on what personality he has. If he's the type to jump off the deep end or be confrontational, I wouldn't tell him at this stage.

@Catlord Flattery is all it is. I think anyone would like to hear those words no matter how happy they are in their relationship. But it also gets me thinking it would be nice to hear a few more compliments and declarations of love from my partner....a common issue in a long term relationship I guess 😂

I think you gave the perfect response. Now forget about it.
Try not to be alone with him.
If he says it again then tell your partner.

(Remember - of course he thinks he's in love with you because you are amazing!! He won't be the only one, he's just the one who had the balls to tell you. Hold that feeling for when you are having a bad day!!! Lol.)

Just drunk talk, ignore. I'm sure he is mortified this morning.

If he was absolutely in love with you he wouldn't be waiting to bump into you by chance.

Well, was he drunk? I’d probably tactfully forget about it, if you will all see one another regularly, and he’s never said anything about it before. Either it’s true, and he’s just going to have to live with the feelings till they fade, or it isn’t true, it was one of those drunken moments of madness where you decide to move to Tokyo or to buy a horse box converted to a coffee stall at 3am, and he barely remembers he said it. Either way, continue to be civil and don’t bring it up.

This guy is no good friend to your partner. Would you actively go after one of your friend’s partners? I’m assuming you wouldn’t, because it would make you a pretty shitty friend.

My husband would 100% want to know if one of his friends had hit on me and would be upset if I kept it from him and vice versa.

I completely understand how awkward it is for you and how you don’t want to blow up a friendship, but this isn’t your fault - it’s the friend’s fault.

I don't think you should tell your partner. Write it off as an uncomfortable social faux pass and move on. If he brings it up again in any other context than to apologise then I can see how you'd need to tell your partner but if what you said happened is the long and short of it telling your partner now would be mainly to fan the flames of potential drama.

You haven’t really said how you feel about him? Is it making you question how your LTR is going?

A drunk mouth speaks sober thoughts! He definitely means it but probably only told you because he has had to much to drink. I wouldn't tell my partner and cause a row this time but i most definitely would if he did it again. I would just carry on like it never happened.

I think anyone would like to hear those words no matter how happy they are in their relationship

No. I've had this twice in the past few years but with friends' husbands.

It's not flattering. It's disrespectful.

With one of those, the wife worked it out and confronted him It was very awkward for a while but we are still friends. With the other, I know she wouldn't believe me and I couldn't continue the friendship so I walked away from both of them. Very sad as we'd been more like family and very close for over 10 years.

I would tell my partner of any of his friends said something similar to me.

Bust forget it and move on.
I don’t think there is any reason to tell your bf.
Men say silly things that they don’t mean all the time.
I wouldn’t believe a second that he ’loves’ you, I doubt there was anything meaningful behind it.
Maybe he tried to see if he could get a shag out of you, who knows, but don’t take it seriously.

I think you actually handled it very well, no need to make a big song and dance about it. Least said, soonest mended.
I would try to avoid being in one on one situations with him from here on in bjt I don’t think it’s really worth mentioning to your partner. If he tries to initiate any private contact (messaging etc) or repeats what he said, I would broach it with my partner.

Well some women would be flattered (op is).
I wouldn’t.
I think this friend knows op is bit of a desperado, and though he would get a free and quick shag after a little ’love confession’.
Men are weird and say all kind of lines they think women want to hear.

Anyone else thinking Love Actually…

“If he's the type to jump off the deep end or be confrontational, I wouldn't tell him at this stage.”

”telling your partner now would be mainly to fan the flames of potential drama.”

“I wouldn't tell my partner and cause a row”

”no need to make a big song and dance about it. Least said, soonest mended.
I would try to avoid being in one on one situations with him from here on in”

Why are people putting the onus on the woman, who did zero wrong in this situation, to do damage control for a man’s inappropriate actions? If her partner jumps off the deep end, that’s the friend’s fault and her partner is responsible for his own actions. If drama is caused, it’s the friends fault. If a ‘song and dance’ occurs, it’s the friend’s fault. The friend has responsibility for all of these scenarios, the OP has none. She has no responsibility to cover for it.

@Didimum Not telling her partner does not therefore equate to putting the onus or responsibility on the OP. Everyone agrees the man was in the wrong and some of the posters you've quoted have even said the OP dealt with it at the time in the best way possible considering it seemingly came out of nowhere. However, what the OP subsequently does is her choice. If like a PP suggested her partner hits the roof then perhaps the OP would do well to make another thread about him after dealing with this situation but the point is more that the OP can choose to move on or make a bigger deal of a situation. Some people thrive on this sort of drama, others don't. If the situation happened exactly as OP describes then I can't see what there really is to make a song and dance about. In a different context then there would absolutely be reason to take more action, so to speak.

Because the guy has caused the ‘song and dance’ irrespective of what the OP chooses to do. He has also led her to feel awkward and in a dilemma - why should she feel this way because of what he has done? Why should she be covering for him? In fear of souring his friendship with her partner? In fear of causing a riff in the friendship group? Why should she fear these things if the ‘friend’ has caused it all?

It’s not ‘thriving on drama’ to want to call out your partner’s friend hitting on you - a shitty thing to do no matter how you play it, even if it happened once, drunk or not. If he shouldn’t hit on his friends’ partners (something we can all agree he shouldn’t do) - then any repercussions are his fault if he does. If a ‘song and dance’ is made about it, then it’s also his fault. It shouldn’t be suggested that the OP (or anyone in her position) is creating the drama or the song and dance by speaking up.

I won't lie, I'd have to tell my DP. I couldn't keep that from him regardless if he was drunk or not when he said it. That's huge.

Imagine it comes out later down the line that you've kept it from him? He'd no doubt be devastated.

And also imagine if it was your friend declaring their love for your DP? You'd be heartbroken and feel so betrayed.

Remember - you haven't done anything wrong. Do not feel guilty.

I personally would tell my husband, we have that kind of marriage and I'd rather share something like that.

Tbh in your shoes I think I would tell your partner because you seemed to have liked it. That shit, when kept a secret can create sparks and tension and onwards if left unchecked. Being told something like that would make me uncomfortable because all my needs are met in my relationship. Might be worth looking at why you enjoyed it

Absolutely agree with this!

If a friend of mine hit on my partner, I'd see them as the problem not my partner.

In fact, I did have a similar situation with my partner. A mutual friend had always assumed he fancied her. When we got together, she frequently made a play for him to prove to herself that he did actually fancy her afterall. Neither of us speak to or see her anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tbf, I agree with you.

I was thinking more that the OP might have been flattered by it but, objectively, it's an incredibly disrespectful thing for someone to do. IMO.

I'm a pretty socially awkward person and totally panicked. I kind of laughed it off, said that he must of had too much to drink and that I bet he says that to all the girls when he's drunk....

Perfect response to deflect and distract at the first move.

If he does it again you need to be more assertive and make it explicitly and (probably literally, if in public) loud and clear that you're not interested.

He has behaved very inappropriately (who the he'll does that?!) and tbh I'd be wary around him in future. For that reason I'd be telling my partner because his mate has extremely dodgy boundaries. And, assuming a healthy relationship, now you've got to thinking about it enough to make a MN post you probably ought to mention it. You're obviously mulling things over and it's unsettled (flattered?) you which might lead to a noticeable change in behaviour on your part.

If you are interested in him, then you're probably going to cause hurt and drama, but it's ok; just be as honest and speedy and kind as possible. We've all been there when we're suddenly "awakened" to someone by them flirting or similar.