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Original poster

Partners friend said he loves me!!

59 replies

BouncyBottie · 11/06/2023 09:14

Need some advice on how to handle this slightly awkward situation and make sense of how I'm feeling... ?

So I'm in a long term, very happy relationship. We have lived together for years and are trying for a baby - we are childhood sweethearts.

I was out with some friends for a drink at the weekend and I bumped into a friend of my partner. We get on well and I have known him for years so we sat with him and his friends for a drink. Everything was fine, until I went up to the bar for a drink and he came with me. He told me that he wanted to talk and went on to say that he knew it was wrong but he was 'absolutely in love with me'. He said how he wished things were different so he had chance with me, that was I beautiful, that he's felt this way for years and had never stopped thinking about me.

I'm a pretty socially awkward person and totally panicked. I kind of laughed it off, said that he must of had too much to drink and that I bet he says that to all the girls when he's drunk....I know. Not ideal. Made my excuses and went home.

But now what? I can't stop thinking about it. I can't lie, it was pretty nice to hear all those words from someone! Do I tell my partner? It is his friend after all? Or does that turn it into a bigger problem than it is and just make him angry/upset for no reason. We will 100% see him again soon, we are all in the same social circle and its only a matter of time....I already feel sick at the thought.

OP posts:
NeverThatSerious · 11/06/2023 17:02

For what it’s worth, I absolutely think the idiot friend is the problem and was, at no point, blaming the OP, surprised I have to clarify that, but there we are. I guess I was taking the stance that it was a stupid fucking thing to say on the part of the friend and to treat it as such, no need to give it any headspace. I have changed my stance a little in terms of telling your partner tho, op, all very well for me to say no need to… but I absolutely would tell my husband, now I’ve thought about it a bit more. As mentioned already, if it gets back to him, it’ll look iffy not to have mentioned it plus I tel DH everything else, why draw the line here?

Didimum · 11/06/2023 18:26

@NeverThatSerious I absolutely do not think you were blaming the OP for the guy’s actions. I just wanted to highlight that people were saying that telling her partner = “making a song and dance about it” or “causing drama” (not just you), when the guy is the one responsible for any repercussions.

Catlord · 12/06/2023 14:42

Didimum · 11/06/2023 14:34

“If he's the type to jump off the deep end or be confrontational, I wouldn't tell him at this stage.”

”telling your partner now would be mainly to fan the flames of potential drama.”

“I wouldn't tell my partner and cause a row”

”no need to make a big song and dance about it. Least said, soonest mended.
I would try to avoid being in one on one situations with him from here on in”

Why are people putting the onus on the woman, who did zero wrong in this situation, to do damage control for a man’s inappropriate actions? If her partner jumps off the deep end, that’s the friend’s fault and her partner is responsible for his own actions. If drama is caused, it’s the friends fault. If a ‘song and dance’ occurs, it’s the friend’s fault. The friend has responsibility for all of these scenarios, the OP has none. She has no responsibility to cover for it.

It's giving the friend the benefit of the doubt- presumably a drink had been taken and he may now be mortified. She doesn't suggest he's been out of line apart from this so why make it a 'thing' unless he persists?

lostinfusion · 12/06/2023 14:52

definitely tell your partner, your going to look very suspect if his friend tells him he said something stupid & you hadn't mentioned it

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2023 14:58

I would definitely tell my husband. I think he has the right to know how disloyal and inappropriate his "friend" is.

Didimum · 12/06/2023 15:01

Catlord · 12/06/2023 14:42

It's giving the friend the benefit of the doubt- presumably a drink had been taken and he may now be mortified. She doesn't suggest he's been out of line apart from this so why make it a 'thing' unless he persists?

Show quote history

I think it completely comes down to whether people think it's a big deal or not or accidental/harmless etc. I can appreciate some people see if differently – I'm not entirely sure how OP feels. For me, the guy has been pretty deliberate about it (from the way it's described) and that's suuuuuuch a shitty thing for him to do to his mate. If a friend of mine came onto my husband, even blind drunk, I would just be like – Nope. Friendship ending move.

What if OP had reciprocated? Full blown cheating territory, and I don't see how that wasn't what the guy was angling to achieve. Surely what he is angling to achieve matters. Is alcohol an excuse? I'd see 'benefit of the doubt' meaning that you weren't entirely sure what was meant, so you decided to give it a pass – I think it's explicit what was meant here.

Again – it's just opinion, isn't it. I'm sure half of people would well and truly brush if off and another half wouldn't.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2023 15:05

If he had something along the lines of, "Fred is such a lucky bloke to have found someone as lovely as you are", I can see where it wouldn't be necessary to tell your husband. However, this guy went WAY over the line. I couldn't overlook that.

WedTheBed · 12/06/2023 15:09

I would do him the courtesy of telling him that you feel like you have to mention it to DP.

if you don’t mention it to DP they may feel let down or left in the dark if they ever find out that you knew all along when it eventually comes out.

if you want an honest relationship then that’s exactly what you need to do. You haven’t done anything wrong and neither had he or your DP, but if you want a relationship that’s not awkward around his friends, and they want a decent friendship then it’s better to just get it all out of the way and talk about it. Relationships are based on trust after all.

Backstreets · 12/06/2023 15:25

I think you handled it well, actually. He put you in an impossible position.

2bazookas · 12/06/2023 15:32

Tell your partner right away that his friend has told you he has a big crush on you. So for everyone's comfort, you hope not to see F at all for a considerble long time.

Catspyjamas17 · 12/06/2023 15:52

BMW6 · 11/06/2023 09:20

Poor bloke. Say nothing to anyone and hope he gets over it and goes on to find happiness and love with someone who is free.

Poor bloke my arse. The OP is not responsible for his feelings and does not owe him anything. Poor OP, and her partner who is supposed to be his mate. You don't allow yourself to fall for partners of friends and if you are stupid enough to, you certainly don't fucking tell them. He sounds like a ridiculous teenager. It's not love if it isn't reciprocated, it's a crush and you can bloody well get over it.

bjrce · 12/06/2023 15:53

Seriously OP,

No disrespect to you, but some guys will say anything if the opportunity arises to get off with someone.

Has he ever shown any sign of interest in you in this way at all? I would suspect not.

He is not a true friend to your DH. I would absolutely let your DH know what he said. I am wondering is he one of those guys who try it on and let on they were absolutely plastered the next day and remember nothing.

I don't know how you even thought of being flattered, he's a creep in my book and not to be trusted.

Can you imagine the mess if you had acted on it. It wouldn't be his shit to clean up! Be very cautious of him.

Catspyjamas17 · 12/06/2023 15:54

And I would certainly tell DH if it were me, straight away.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 12/06/2023 15:57

I would tell dh, the truth 'mostly' manages to fry out and how would your dh feel if he found out via someone else?

It's also incredibly disrespectful towards your dh by his friend.

mewkins · 12/06/2023 15:59

mintbiscuit · 11/06/2023 11:41

Anyone else thinking Love Actually…

Yes 😅. Honestly, I'd just forget about it and not mention it to anyone. I don't see what good could come of telling anyone. He is probably really embarrassed (now sober).

perfectcolourfound · 12/06/2023 15:59

I'm shocked that a few posters are suggesting keeping this from your partner.

I'm firmly in the camp of telling your partner, for several reasons:

  1. Trust is central in any relationship (that reason is enough on its own).
  2. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your DP didn't tell you?
  3. If your DP later finds out, how will he feel knowing you kept this from him?
  4. Your DP deserves to know that his 'friend' has made a move on his partner. It could be just because he was drunk but that doesn't mean he didn't mean it, doesn't mean it won't happen again. I'd want to know if my friend made a move on my OH.
  5. If you don't want to tell your DP, you have to ask yourself why.... is it because you're frightened of his response? Do you think he'll blame you in some way? Is it because you're a bit flattered and kind of enjoying the secret / potential for more complements? None of these are good reasons.
  6. Yes it might hurt him, but I'd rather be hurt knowing my friend had made a move on my OH, than be hurt by my OH keeping secrets from me that they share with my friend.
  7. If your DP knows, he can be aware and help you avoid one on one situations with his friend in future / it will explain to him if you're avoiding him.
mewkins · 12/06/2023 16:07

Does that count as a 'move'? I'd class it as a pissed man being a bit emotional after a few drinks. Op may not feel like she needs her dp to step in on her behalf. She is a grown up and respond in the way that she sees fit.

SnapPop · 12/06/2023 16:08

This (my boyfriend's best friend telling me he loved me) happened to me years ago. I just said "sorry, I don't think of you in that way" and yes I did mention it to my boyfriend at the time but without making a big deal of it.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/06/2023 16:30

Id do and say nothing whatsoever

when in doubt —- do nowt

GreyCarpet · 12/06/2023 16:45

I'm amazed by the number of people saying keep quiet! It wouldn't occur to me to say nothing because then I'd be complicit.

If one of your friends said similar to your partner/husband would you want to know or would you want them to keep quiet too?

(Purely curious!)

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 12/06/2023 16:48

Bollocks to saying nothing. He put you in an impossible position. Who knows why he decided to tell you that but it wasn't for your benefit.

Tell your partner the bare bones, the exact words that he used and that you won't be comfortable socialising with him again, that you feel he put you in an impossible position of causing a fuss whether you speak up about it or are 'found out' to have kept quiet about it.

Your partner can choose what he does with the information. What he does NOT get to do is blame you in any way.

blackbeardsballsack · 12/06/2023 17:04

If one of my best friends made such a blatant play for my DH and he didn't tell me, allowing me to carry on merrily hanging out with her, I would be fucking apoplectic

GreyCarpet · 12/06/2023 17:11

blackbeardsballsack · 12/06/2023 17:04

If one of my best friends made such a blatant play for my DH and he didn't tell me, allowing me to carry on merrily hanging out with her, I would be fucking apoplectic

Likewise...

1kis · 12/06/2023 17:17

I just think how I would feel if that was my husband I would want to know my friend said that to him, drunk or not.
It's about openness and honesty between you and your husband.

Pyaar · 12/06/2023 18:47

If you dont tell your partner this time and it happens again then you'll have to explain to him why you kept it to yourself the first time. I'd tell him and emphasise he was drunk and you laughed it off, which gives the "friend" an out if confronted. But keeping it to yourself could become a dangerous secret imo.

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