Why is my ex who abused me treating his partner now so much better. Was it really all my fault?

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It’s been 4 years since I left my ex. To me he was abusive. I have moved on and happy in a relationship. I’ve worked through a lot but I’ve just got this one feeling I can’t shift.

The relationship was awful. I can’t decided what happened really other then he had a view of what he wanted, I wasn’t filling it so he treated me crap, like I wasn’t worth being kind or helping me with anything.

He drank and he was aggressive when drunk, he couldn’t control his temper and he smoked weed and wouldn’t stop. He never helped me at home, cleaning was all my responsibility. He promised so many times but he would always come back and say my behaviour led him to need those things because I didn’t love him enough. It was true because I often resented him. For treating me so badly, shouting at me etc etc. I guess it sounds pretty co-dependant. When I left he begged me not to go, would go to therapy etc etc but he had a decade to do something and he never changed. In the end I just didn’t want to be part of it anymore. I couldn’t work after a couple of years became I was just so anxious all the time. I walked on egg shells, I felt so worthless. He treated me like a second class citizen and said I brought nothing into the relationship. So why didn’t he just leave me? I was the one to leave.

So he has moved on and he has stopped all those things he did. Doesn’t drink or smoke and doesn’t shout and put her down. She works and I suppose contributes more. She fulfils his needs much better then I did. But then he doesn’t treat her like he did me. We share a daughter and she tells me these things. Let’s just say it is true. Why has he stopped for her but didn’t for me? I can’t help but think I was the reason to blame. I made him feel unloved and so he took to other things to numb the feeling. The only thing was he wasn’t nice. He never once considered my feelings. My agenda in life was not soley him and his needs I had my own and my own issues etc. He just seemed to stop seeing any worth in me. Unless I was fulfilling what he wanted.

It's not you at all! If it's true he has quit substances, that could be why... I know not everyone but I can effect peoples personality, make them on edge, paranoid and anxious, so it would be harder for people to manage their behaviour. In quitting being emotionally healthier does enable a person to then work. So one change can effect a lot of areas in a persons life. So rather than blaming yourself you can blame that and think what an idiot he wasted so much of life till he sorted himself out 🥰 also it might be because of you he had the drive to do this and better his life, he didn't want to repeat his mistakes with you!

Also it could all be a front and playing happy on the outside whilst behind closed doors it's nuclear. :) either way you can not control a persons behaviour or decisions, that's on them and if they ever pass the buck and say it's you then shows their true colours and inability to accept responsibility and be an adult xx

@bumblebee2235 oh I don’t know. If that were the case why is he re-writing history. During the whole court proceedings he always had something to blame it on. He is telling our daughter lies so he comes out clean. I’d have so much more respect and belief of he held his hands up and said yeah I did that and I was wrong but I’ve done a lot and changed.

If he's stopped drinking that might explain it.

I know addiction can ruin a persons life. But why re-write history and tell everyone you were the victim and she made me do it. He had an addiction way before me.

But you are now older and wiser.

it was him not you.

it wouldn’t quit or you or for his daughter.

he has a younger woman who is not pregnant or dependent on him - full of confidence.

as soon as she is pregnant he will start again - he needs to balance to be different.

once an abuser always an abuser - the work will turn

how old is your daughter - do you have any evidence from the time?

I was wife number 2. Wife number 1 had an affair and he divorced her - she told me he was abusive I didn’t believe her.
he got me down the aisle as fast as a he could, I was 10 years younger, more attractive and earnt more. We were married a year and I was pregnant - he put his hands around my neck and I left and terminated the pregnancy (very early).
he remarried 12 months on and I looked at Facebook and them playing happy family for 15 years - but they are divorcing now and again she left him. These men can’t keep the mask on - give it time. Meanwhile don’t let him change the narrative -

why on earth do you think he would put his hand up and admit what he did wrong? Abusers don't do that. They deny, lie, gaslight and, often, truly believe that they are the victims.

He's still abusing you and to a lesser extent, your dd. The Disney dad thing is Not the sign of a good dad. it's the sign of a man who has no boundaries, no ability to understand that children need structure and limits and guidance. It's a man who is happy to undermine the person who is doing all the parenting heavy lifting - you.

Honestly OP - he is abusive. of COURSE he hasn't changed and of COURSE he's continuing to lie to everyone.

@TheCheeseTray she had a baby with him after a year.

You know he was abusive. You've listed dozens of examples of him being abusive to you and to other people in your posts.

So you know it wasn't you. And you can't 'make's someone abusive. You can't 'make' someone an addict. Also, you said he was broken before he met you. So you KNOW you didn't 'make him like that'.

He abused you.
He is still trying to control and abuse you, through your daughter.

Which means you KNOW he hasn't changed. He is on good behaviour with is new partner. It won't last because it's an act. An act that you and his other ex's have seen through. His act may already be dropping.... you don't know the ins and outs of their lives. Remember what your daughter tells you is what HE wants you to know. Because he's still abusing you. Your daughter won't know the full truth of their relationship. So at some point, if not already, he'll be mistreating his new partner, but you won't know about it when it happens.

There is a small possibility that he has changed. I doubt it, because as you've said, he's still lying to your daughter, paying minimal maintenance etc etc... so he hasn't suddenly become a good person.

But even IF he had changed, that would be no reflection on you.

It just happens. My FIL was a total bastard to my MIL and his DD (my DW) but from all accounts I hear (FIL and I know people in common) he is seemingly the perfect husband to his second wife (who was the OW).

Why? I have no idea but it does happen.

And this is not just the "honeymoon period" his 2nd marriage has lasted over 15 years now.

Its just this narrative that he’s telling our daughter that’s getting fed back to me. Somehow this other lady was worth the change for because she is not worth loosing. It’s making me feel rubbish. But then I remember he didn’t want me to leave so if he felt I was that bad he could have gone, especially at the end when it was so bloody awful, so much hate. He seems to have it all now. A new partner and baby, our daughter eating out of his hands and believing everything he says because he looks so amazing now. She often asks how could he have been bad to you when he does and buys me everything. He isn’t suffering at all, I am and it isn’t fair.

He's abusive. of course he's not suffering. You are suffering - because you still have this abusive man in your life unfortunately.

As your daughter gets older she will see more of the truth. Becuase he will let her down and be unreliable. he will say things to her or in front of her that aren't okay. And over time, his relationship with her WILL suffer as a result. For now, all you have to do is keep being the responsible, reliable parent.

People grow up. Maybe it's real, maybe it's not.

Does it matter? God no. I think you should seek some therapy or counselling though because this isn't healthy.

My exh was a dick to me and we argued a lot.
Im completely different with my DP now. Sometimes you're just not each others people. Accept that and move on.

Abuse and being a bit of a dick are far from each other. The results are totally different. There was no 2 sided arguments.

saying she “handles” him better is almost the same as saying well if I didn’t do abc then he wouldn’t hit me. It takes the blame off of him for his own actions that you don’t control. So if you got into an argument and he got so angry that he couldn’t control himself and started calling you names is that your fault? Even if you were fighting every day and it was the worst relationship of your life none of the way he reacted was ever your fault. You don’t make a person choose to treat you like crap. They choose that themselves. Even if you didn’t have a good, “dynamic” did that give him the right to not treat you with the dignity and respect that you deserved? Don’t take the blame for anyone’s behavior or blame it on your “dynamic “ I’ve been with people who I wasn’t “compatible” with and they still treated me with respect. Saying he treated you differently because you are you is the reas that he’s abusive and I hope you don’t blame yourself for that ❤

Hey OP, please don't beat yourself up. I agree with other posters that its probably down to kicking his drink and weed habit. One thing that should make you feel better though - if this is his new normal, the way that he now treats his partner, then he definitely knows that he was bad to you. He's not going to admit to you that he was wrong and now regrets it, but he clearly made some big changes after you kicked him into touch.

@Riverlee ·

They’re in the honeymoon period.

Exactly what I thought! He will not be able to keep it up forever!

She has a house and a car, presumably he has neither of these things.

So there is your answer. He darent put a foot wrong otherwise his easy ride will end. He will still be making sure that he gets all that he wants, he just may be doing it in a less overt way. Abusers dont stop abusing, but they do sometimes change the way they abuse.

And giving it headspace now means that you are allowing him to keep abusing you.

As the saying goes, if you meet one arsehole in a day its probably them thats the arsehole, if you keep meeting arseholes all day every day, then it may be you thats the arsehole.

Are you abused by everyone else in your life? No....thought not.

I feel for you. It's very unfair. Maybe losing you was the wake-up call he needed. Far more likely he will eventually return to type . It must be so hard not to feel bitter. Especially as he is doing such a good job turning your dd against you. No words of wisdom I'm afraid. But lots of sympathy

His mask will soon slip. They cannot keep be the pretence firever

Ah hello and thanks for posting some more on my thread. He has indeed started shouting at the new lady. He has also got himself a driving ban so who knows the amount of stress she is going through sadly. It will all be on her to fix. God I’m so glad none of that is my problem.

There you go
whikst we don’t wish Bad on anyone I’d say it’s clear that she will be handling some major crap

and a driving ban ? That’s major

Leopards do not change their spots. It's a matter of when, not if. Be grateful there are no children involved.

These men are crap; but they are very good at telling and showing women want they want to hear, and charm at the outset.

Sorry I see you share a child. Protect her too if you can. These men don't usually care much for the daughters either and he has abused her too.

@bombastix its difficult because his need to come across as the innocent party is much stronger then protecting her mental health. She is struggling with her big emotions atm and the school are getting some help in to assess her for more support. I’ve told him as I have to being the resident parent but he is more concerned with it all being my fault, which is no help to her whatsoever. There is fault on both sides. Although I didn’t know and didn’t purposefully allow it I was the other half of a toxic relationship. Fault doesn’t help her so I try not to dwell but teach her the things I’ve learned. Behaviour is the symptom of something and I know she struggles.