Why is my ex who abused me treating his partner now so much better. Was it really all my fault?

[21seconds12]

It’s been 4 years since I left my ex. To me he was abusive. I have moved on and happy in a relationship. I’ve worked through a lot but I’ve just got this one feeling I can’t shift.

The relationship was awful. I can’t decided what happened really other then he had a view of what he wanted, I wasn’t filling it so he treated me crap, like I wasn’t worth being kind or helping me with anything.

He drank and he was aggressive when drunk, he couldn’t control his temper and he smoked weed and wouldn’t stop. He never helped me at home, cleaning was all my responsibility. He promised so many times but he would always come back and say my behaviour led him to need those things because I didn’t love him enough. It was true because I often resented him. For treating me so badly, shouting at me etc etc. I guess it sounds pretty co-dependant. When I left he begged me not to go, would go to therapy etc etc but he had a decade to do something and he never changed. In the end I just didn’t want to be part of it anymore. I couldn’t work after a couple of years became I was just so anxious all the time. I walked on egg shells, I felt so worthless. He treated me like a second class citizen and said I brought nothing into the relationship. So why didn’t he just leave me? I was the one to leave.

So he has moved on and he has stopped all those things he did. Doesn’t drink or smoke and doesn’t shout and put her down. She works and I suppose contributes more. She fulfils his needs much better then I did. But then he doesn’t treat her like he did me. We share a daughter and she tells me these things. Let’s just say it is true. Why has he stopped for her but didn’t for me? I can’t help but think I was the reason to blame. I made him feel unloved and so he took to other things to numb the feeling. The only thing was he wasn’t nice. He never once considered my feelings. My agenda in life was not soley him and his needs I had my own and my own issues etc. He just seemed to stop seeing any worth in me. Unless I was fulfilling what he wanted.

But then OP, your experience backs up my theory. You didn't work, you were dependent on him. He lacked respect for you. Since you left, you have a job and you were able to buy your own house. Something you said he admires in his new partner.
Some posters on MN claim that they have partners who don't want them to work. In my experience, and I am old, all my friends marriages got a lot better when they went back to work. They were able to outsource cleaning and gardening. Husbands pulled their weight because they had to do so. They became equal. I know a lot of friends whose husbands are genuinely proud of their wives achievements at work. I think the pressure is taken off them and they can play their part in parenting on a more equal footing without Mummy running things.
Just be glad that things are running smoothly for now. Be glad that your daughter has a good relationship with her father. Otherwise it will eat you up and really won't do you any good.

@Comfortablechairs I agree with your theory that not working makes women dependent and men use that power imbalance to their advantage.
Its crap. They shouldn’t do it. But they do!

Also I think that it’s much easier fir women to hold their boundaries and tell a man to get lost when they are financially independent.

Two possibilities or a combination of both. People think weed is harmless but it can cause real personality change. But also at the start of relationships there is a lot of back and forth while we decide how things will be with this new person. If the boundaries set allowed mistreatment, that can spiral into abuse. Not that its a reason to abuse people, but there is definitely a testing phase. If you have not done the Freedom program, it is worth checking out.

@Comfortablechairs perhaps you are right. But he created the reason I couldn’t work. He has met her working already. I was fresh out of studying and had all the possibilities in the world. He couldn’t make up for what he did. We were right the break up as it could never have been fixed.

@Comfortablechairs it always makes me laugh when posters say they're old. Most of them are in their sixties.

Sometimes people don't realise what they have until they lose it. Maybe losing you made him realise he needed to get his shit together.

I think some couples just aren't right for each other and they bring out the worst in each other. Sounds like he, and you, have both moved on and found better fits which bring our the best in you, and him.

I tend to believe that people ONLY change if they Really work at it

so we have two options here

maybe losing you was a wake up call and he truly is working on his issues , which will long term benefit your DD

or it’s a honeymoon period and the shit hasn’t hit the fan yet

either way you two would never be able to reconcile- too much pain and shit and I’d assume impossible to forgive for you ?

you really need to try and make peace and move on . It’s not easy but it’s possible

also minimise any interactions
really less is MORE and that includes minimal discussion with DD about it x

His mask will eventually slip.

I agree that women should never give up their financial independence. Doing so, sometimes puts women in a position where men use this to control them.

op, its finished with him and you are still recovering.
unfortunately you have a dd with him which keeps some sort of communication with him.
try not to discuss such stuff with dd and move on.
its non of your business anymore how well they get on, etc. it didnt work for you and made you ill.

I’m going to differ from the “people don’t change” rhetoric that it aappears posters think will somehow make you feel better, that he’s abusing someone else. Of course it won’t, it’s a sick thought.

people behave according to the circumstances they are in. I’ve had relationships where I have not behaved well. We all have. We all have had relationships where we are wonderful partners. How happy we are can impact that.

the fact he was drinking and smoking weed, being horrible, indicates he was deeply unhappy at that point in his life, with himself, his life, his circumstances, his relationship. Should he have ended it, of course, but sometimes we get in a downward spiral and it takes something like you leaving him for him to pull himself out of the tailspin.

it isn’t about you. And it’s not about you v her. It’s about his life then and now, his relationship then and now, even his substance abuse is about this.

some relationships don’t work and make us unhappy. Many people will trek you they are in unhappy relationships and it can impact their behaviour to a shameful level.

it was a period in his life, he’s moved on. It was never about you personally.

Maybe they're just more compatible.
Maybe he's worked on himself to make positive changes.

Ultimately though, why do you even care? You're in your own new relationship, just focus on that.

It's a very unpopular viewpoint on MN but I do not agree that men don't change - anymore than women don't change. We all change overtime.

I was a weed smoking, coke sniffing party goer in my late teens and twenties who flitted from one relationship to the next. By 30 I had met and married . Calmed down and enjoyed motherhood and full time work for the same employer (now for over 25 years).. my ex and I grew apart after 18 years as we both changed in what we wanted in a partner. I met and married my DH in my late 40s . He has also changed from the person he was in his twenties and had fallen out of love with his ex wife. My ex and his ex are all remarried. We are all content and happy. Our previous relationships were good for then but our current relationships are perfect for now.

Life changes . It's not a reflection on you. It's just that you were not the right one for him at that time and now his partner is the right one for him.

MN always seeks to make women feel better about them selves by denigrating an ex (as though that validates the woman in some way) instead of the simple explanation that you were not right for him . Now someone else is. Just as you have someone else who is right for you. Enjoy it. Comparison is the thief joy. Don't compare.

Also the word abuse is bandied about too much. Shouting at each other and not helping in the house is not 'abuse' is lazy and disrespectful. To call a relationship abusive because it didn't make you happy denigrates the meaning.

He was abusive to some degree in all his relationships before me. When he didn’t feel loved or worshipped enough he turned. When his previous girlfriend left he cut all up his arms. The trouble is life changes and sometimes bad happened but he couldn’t be supportive through those things unless it was about him.

@MIBnightmare he threw stuff at me and laughed when I cried. He backed me up against walls and screamed at me. I’m pretty sure he was abusive even if he said sorry after he still did it again.

There are difficult/unhappy relationships and there are ones where one person is abusive. There is a clear distinction between the two. Abusers do not abuse because of addictions, but addictions make it harder for an abusive individual to stop being abusive.
@21seconds12 , if he was abusive, which it sounds like he may have been, then he will not have changed. There is research on these men and it takes serious interventions of the right kind to enable abusive men to change and it would take a huge effort from him to do so.

Did he ever meet these criteria?
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/

They don't change OP. If everything is as good as you think it is in their relationship, it's either an illusion or he hasn't started on her yet.

He will.

It's heartbreaking you're searching for reasons it must have been your fault. It wasn't. You couldn't have made him "better" - he is who he is, and even if it had started out "perfect" his true colours would have come out eventually.

Absolutely this

Maybe you don't know everything about his new relationship and it's not as rosy as you think. Maybe his true colours will come out a bit later down the line. Maybe you leaving him was the shock he needed to change course and fix his life and flaws. Maybe you two just brought out the worst in each other because of incompatibility, that doesn't mean it's your fault.

It doesn't actually matter which of those is the case though. You'll never know for certain, it's an impossible thing to know. He's your ex and you have to move on - this has to stop mattering for you.

You didn't work, you were dependent on him. He lacked respect for you. Since you left, you have a job and you were able to buy your own house. Something you said he admires in his new partner.

What a load of utter shit.
Normal loving husbands don't abuse their wives, even when they are annoyed they are not contributing.
And a lot of abusers actively seek strong women, and then break them down, so they are a shell of their firmer self, only to blame them for being " weak" .
Nah. He's still him inside. My ex ( unequivocally an abuser) married again, was seemingly calm and happy. He still tried to sleep with me a couple of months after his wedding.
He was a drunk, a liar, a manipulator and a narcissist, in that nothing was ever his fault. I blamed myself at the time precisely because I fought back. He could characterise it as a "stormy" relationship. It wasn't, it was abuse, and it took me years to fully recover. You are well rid OP. It's not you, it's him.

@21seconds12 years ago I was the new woman in this relationship - he was so attentive and loving and I'm sure his ex-wife (she left him) was thinking exactly what you're thinking. But it was love bombing and I didn't see all the other red flags and gradually he became more and more abusive.

No doubt his kids from the first marriage reported back to their mum that he had changed, because I made sure that their visits were great fun, organising stuff, going on holidays (which I paid for) - he will have come across as the father his first wife always wanted him to be. But none of it was him - he can barely be bothered with the kids from our marriage, does the absolute minimum although to hear him talk you'd think he was the World's Best Dad - and I now regret making him look good in front of his friends and family at the time.

I am now his ex-wife (another one), and no doubt he will behave exactly as he did to me with his next woman, and she will be gulled into thinking he's wonderful and believe all the shit he comes out with about his crazy-ex (me), until eventually he does it to her.

It's hard lovely, but get on with living your life and be grateful you're not with your ex any more. He hasn't changed I promise you.

Yeah. I can't believe the amount of people who suggest he has.

This is the key OP. The absolute proof it was not your fault.
Even if he is no longer angry and no longer needs to act out abusively because she is a better fit for him as a partner, none of that excuses his behavior towards you or makes it your fault. If you are unhappy with your partner it is reasonable to leave the relationship. It is never reasonable to abuse your partner and especially ridiculous to prevent/resist a breakup when you’re abusive towards your partner.
Also, you know what he’s like when he’s angry and resentful. Things with his new partner might be ok now, but they may well turn abusive again if she ever changes and becomes different to what he feels he needs - and this could be for totally normal reasons like just getting older, or getting sick, or changing jobs and things needing to work differently. Or something even more ridiculous like him just getting bored of her and fancying someone else. She might know his love/reasonable behavior is dependent on her always remaining the perfect wife in his eyes, which is a horrible way to live. Or she might have no idea and get a horrible surprise if/when the dynamic shifts.

I think the people saying 'they don't change' are wrong, a lot of people don't change but some do.
I was in a toxic relationship with my ex and I drank too much. I'm now 4 years in to a different relationship and much happier and I only drink very occasionally. I don't argue with new partner and nothing toxic or abusive has ever happened between us.

Sometimes I think it's down to the individual dynamic built between 2 people, things rarely go bad all at once, it's slowly over time especially when boundaries are pushed and bad behaviors tolerated or used as crutches.

It could well be that he learnt from you leaving him. That he realised in future he needs to be a better partner or history will repeat itself, I know I certainly learnt from my last relationship and would never want to end up back there. I also don't want to ruin my relationship with my new partner in the same ways, I now know what I could lose etc. It might be that you leaving him was the best thing you could have done for him.