Why is my ex who abused me treating his partner now so much better. Was it really all my fault?

[21seconds12]

It’s been 4 years since I left my ex. To me he was abusive. I have moved on and happy in a relationship. I’ve worked through a lot but I’ve just got this one feeling I can’t shift.

The relationship was awful. I can’t decided what happened really other then he had a view of what he wanted, I wasn’t filling it so he treated me crap, like I wasn’t worth being kind or helping me with anything.

He drank and he was aggressive when drunk, he couldn’t control his temper and he smoked weed and wouldn’t stop. He never helped me at home, cleaning was all my responsibility. He promised so many times but he would always come back and say my behaviour led him to need those things because I didn’t love him enough. It was true because I often resented him. For treating me so badly, shouting at me etc etc. I guess it sounds pretty co-dependant. When I left he begged me not to go, would go to therapy etc etc but he had a decade to do something and he never changed. In the end I just didn’t want to be part of it anymore. I couldn’t work after a couple of years became I was just so anxious all the time. I walked on egg shells, I felt so worthless. He treated me like a second class citizen and said I brought nothing into the relationship. So why didn’t he just leave me? I was the one to leave.

So he has moved on and he has stopped all those things he did. Doesn’t drink or smoke and doesn’t shout and put her down. She works and I suppose contributes more. She fulfils his needs much better then I did. But then he doesn’t treat her like he did me. We share a daughter and she tells me these things. Let’s just say it is true. Why has he stopped for her but didn’t for me? I can’t help but think I was the reason to blame. I made him feel unloved and so he took to other things to numb the feeling. The only thing was he wasn’t nice. He never once considered my feelings. My agenda in life was not soley him and his needs I had my own and my own issues etc. He just seemed to stop seeing any worth in me. Unless I was fulfilling what he wanted.

Because he was an abuser and was getting something out of abusing you

Men like this don't change.

However, at present in this relationship, he may be getting what he wants, with no challenge from his current partner.

He may have no 'opportunity' to be an abuser. Abusive men find their opportunities & victims with ease and ability.

His behaviour will manifest somewhere - it could be ongoing mistreatment of you or your child, or the new partner, in time, or within other relationships.

Abusive men are selfish men who want their own needs met & will make that happen however they need to.

I understand your questioning. But hold fast to you having escaped, with a future ahead of you

I used to feel like this about an ex partner who was really jealous, abusive and controlling, however wasn't with his next partner. I would ask myself why he was like that with me and not with her. I think sometimes it's true that things are happening behind closed doors that you don't realise but I don't think that this is always the case. Sometimes people grow up or something makes them change, for example alcohol and drugs can massively affect a person's behaviour, even when sober, so if they manage to give them up they might become a different person to be with.

I also sometimes think of the Carl Jung quote: "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed"
I think different people can affect each other in different ways and I know that looking back, the way I was and the way I lived my life made my partner feel very insecure and so jealous and controlling. That doesn't make it my fault or the things that he did to me okay, but we weren't compatible and brought out the worst traits in each other.

My ex was awful. Very similar story to yours, and I'm sure he hated me and resented me in the end , but somehow I was still the one to end it because he was cheating. He went on to marry the other woman and was just as horrible to her, even tried to cheat on her with me several times.

Now he is in a normal, stable relationship (after a string of similar ones) in part because he finally grew up, in part because his bullshit doesn't work anymore now he's in his 40's , in part because he sorted out some of his issues.

It's not a matter of his current parent being better than me or any of his exes, it's a matter of timing.

Maybe you leaving him showed him how bad his behaviour was, and he made an effort and changed? It totally wasn’t your fault how he treated you.

It’s literally like he had a personality change. When I questions the weed smoking and the alcohol, all I got was well you met me like this so that’s that.

He was angry at everyone, lost jobs over intimidating female members of staff. Suddenly he is mr perfect and she has accepted someone like this. He was even denied contact for a number of years via a judge and still he met her and she didn’t thing that was a red flag. He must be coming across as an angel or something. Or maybe being 12 years younger she doesn’t understand and is easy to fool.

@Notamum12345577 perhaps it was. But he isn’t really made a huge effort. Pays absolute minimum maintenance and doesn’t declare work he does cash in hand. If he was sorry he’d go above and beyond wouldn’t he. He is also not telling our daughter the truth. He is making out like he was innocent. If he was sorry he would tell her the truth in an age appropriate way. Instead of making out he did nothing and he’s amazing.

Hey OP, don't torture yourself thinking like this - Why has he stopped for her but didn’t for me? -

For all you know, you leaving him might have been the wakeup call then meant he did something about his lifestyle.

And that's it - he'd continuing to exert control over you & DC in this way.

He doesn't then 'need' to do it to his current partner, at least not now, until he stops getting what he wants.

If abusive men were that way to everyone, they'd be seen & found out. Almost all abusers are chameleon like - wonderful in some contexts & believed to be lovely, while to vulnerable, dependent connections (like their wives or children) they are entirely different

He hasn't changed. And it's not you. 💐

I’ve seen this it’s not working and instead of separating they plod on it turns toxic and brings the worst out in people out of frustration and unhappiness

Remember that if things are working like this, then surely, this is all down to him, seeing that you are now in a really nice relationship. You don’t provoque anger and alcohol plus drug dependency in your DH.

So all his awful behaviour and the issues have to be down to him, right?

And if you dint feel this us the case, then you need to look at why you feel so strongly about everything being your fault because he now has a good relationship but the opposite can’t be true.

I suspect it’s the lack of alcohol and weed which has allowed him to change his behaviour. Whether this is what has happened or perhaps he still or will go on to behave abusively or not doesn’t make a difference but either way it’s his fault not yours.

There could be a change due to maturity or how she handles him. My XH was controlling but doesn't seem to treat his partner in the same way. He did have therapy after we split though, so that probably helped. We had relationship counselling for one session and they said they could help him for future relationships but not for ours. If we had ever got back together, the pattern would have reverted back to the familiar control/ abuse dynamic.
So it could simply be a different dynamic coupled with maturity. Or he hasn't changed and you can't see it. You won't ever really know.

Fwiw I think the issue here is the lying and his CURRENT behaviour.

One where he still can’t acknowledge his behaviour was wrong. One where he thinks it’s ok to tell lies to his dd to make him look good.

And it must grate.

But you can handle things your way. Teach your dd about boundaries and good relationships. Teach her about valuing herself. Show her.
And IF your dd has questions about the marriage or comes back with gems fed by your ex, just explain in a child way. She’ll learn who he is as a person in her way.

I havent read any replies but just wanted to comment and say I totally understand. I left my exH 3 years ago, ended up in a refuge...he was horrible! He put me down, wore away my self esteem, controlled me, was nasty Infront of people, ruined family and friend holidays..has left so much mental baggage for me. I'm now in a very happy and loving relationship so 90% of me doesn't even care what he's doing with his life....but sometimes it really stings that he treats his new partner better than me. What does she do/does she have that I didn't/don't? I know we don't see behind closed doors - but my children tell me they're very happy together. Why didnt I get treated the way she does, was it me? Did I drive him to treat me like he did? So many questions.

Maybe you leaving him was a reality check and is did prompt him to give up his vices. He's probably happier and healthier because of that, that's why he's able to give more to new relationship,

You need to stop obsessing. Concentrate on your own love life not his, go to counseling and put boundaries in place with your daughter when she starts to tell you about them 'that's not mummy's business. Your well-being and looking after you is all I need to know about what happens at daddy's house'

How often does he see dd? It's very possible that he's on his best behaviour when she visits but the man you knew what dd doesn't.

How new is the relationship ? If it's new he might realise that he can't let his mask slip yet because it's easier to leave a new relationship than an established one where there's more attachment.

My ex was a heavy drinker when we were together but didn't drink on days that our kids visited him. They saw him EOW so 24 hours is not long to go without drinking.

You didn't work for all the time you were with him? Work gives you a sense of confidence and security. He may have resented being the breadwinner and you depending on him for everything.
A lot of men really like independent women. They treat them with respect and it is liberating for a man who has always had to provide. He probably didn't like you and at the same time felt responsible for you.
Be glad that he has changed and that he has provided a secure home for your shared daughter. Don't brood on it. It will just make you unhappy.

@21seconds12 are you saying he had been smoking weed since the age of eight?
If he's managed to kick that habit I think he will definitely be a different person.
That doesn't mean you caused his cruelty while he was using and you absolutely didn't desrve it.

This.

@Comfortablechairs i had just finished a masters when I met him. Something happened early on that left me quite traumatised (by him) I never really recovered mentally. I did work on and off. I’ve worked ever since leaving. I own my own home.

If the weed and the drink was the cause and he no longer indulges in them, that would explain the change of behaviour. But as he says, he did those things before you met him, so in you he already had someone tolerant of that behaviour, until a time you didnt, and you were not the cause of it.
But, you could well be the cause of his changes. Had you stayed, he most likely would not have changed, so you did him and yourself a favour by leaving him.
You enacted the change by leaving, if he has indeed changed. Give yourself a pat on the back for improving the lives of the people around him.

Give it time.

After all, you'd never have got together with him in the first place if he'd been abusive towards you from the outset. He won't be able to keep up the nicey-nicey act forever.

He’s definitely got that if you cross me you’ll know it personality regardless. I do suspect the weed made him paranoid. He didn’t like it when I spoke to men. He didn’t like sarcastic jokes or anything aimed at him. He felt everything was a dig when it wasn’t. His behaviour made me unwell mentally and physically and I am deeply sad I put up with it for so long.

I wonder has he had addiction treatment and that would explain his changed behaviour. His weed and alcohol problem would have made him a very difficult partner but if he seriously engaged with addiction counselling he may be a better person.
But none of that was your fault. Leaving him may have been the catalyst he needed to seek help . Let it go. Move on with your new relationship and maybe don't engage in too much discussion with your dc on her dad's lifestyle as its too triggering for you. Let him off to live his life and hopefully it means he will be a somewhat better father to your child.