Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it down to her or my fault for being the way I am?

61 replies

RykerRider · 10/06/2023 18:12

Hi everyone, I'm new here, so please forgive me if I make any mistakes. I'm a guy who turned 60 yesterday and it was this that triggered my decision to make my first post.

Please read this paragraph first.

(One thing you must know, I've never liked either occasion and I don't know why, even as a kid, I hated both and my presents were regularly left unopened for months, some never got opened at all. I wasn't a horrible brat or anything, it's just I didn't like the celebration, simple as that. My mother had me at the doctors several times as a child as she thought there was something wrong with me, each time the doctor told her that I was fine and said, "he might grow out of it or he may not, you can't make him like Christmas or his birthdays, it's his choice, the celebrations of the world are not for everyone and we don't live in a "one size fits all society". From my 12th Christmas onwards I very high on the Autistic spectrum and this it would seem was the reason for my behaviour and likes/dislikes).

To my story. I've been seeing a 55 year old woman for almost a month and everything had been going along fine until yesterday. A couple of weeks ago, she said, "where would you like to go for your birthday"? I replied, "don't worry about it, you know I don't like birthdays or Christmas or the fuss that comes with it.

She insisted she wanted to treat me for my birthday and went and on about it, I grew tired of her relentless nagging, so agreed and asked her to arranged something, but not tell me where we were going until the day. Yesterday, I picked her up from home, but she seemed in an odd mood, I tried to jolly along the conversation, I asked her if she was looking forward to us spending the day together, I got, "I suppose so", I pulled to the side of the road and asked her if there was a problem, something was up, if someone had upset her or if she didn't want to go anymore, she shook her head and just gave me directions. I got out the car, went to the other side and opened the passenger door for her, she got out with her nose in the air and I got to thinking that I was going to get the Dear John treatment or something else.

We were shown to our table and the conversation was strained, I thought a couple of drinks might help, so we had some before our meal, but for some reason, it was like she was in a different world. When I get stressed, I lose my appetite, so I had a starter and nothing else, because I felt ill and uneasy.
Her reply to this was me being reprimanded for spoiling her meal by only having a starter, I again explained why I wasn't hungry and she just shook her head.
Then out of the blue, she said, "would you like to go for a another drink or two somewhere else"? It was early and I was infuriated to the point were I wanted to know what she was playing at, I replied, "why not", "OK" she said, "you pay the bill while I go to the loo". She turned on her heels and swanned off to the ladies while I sat and wondered what I'd just heard.

When she came back she said, "have you paid"? I shook my head, she piped up, "if you don't hurry up and pay the bill, we'll never get into the pub for last orders". I asked her to sit down and very nicely said, "you arranged this treat, therefore I'm not expecting to pay", there was a silence that could have been an hour long and I could see her expression change, her face got bright red and her eyes bored into me like she was cutting glass with a laser beam. I waited for a reply and after what must have been a minute, she said, "you are joking", then threw her head back and gave a very over the top and embarrassed laugh. My expression didn't change. Another silence followed, then she said, "well if I'm having to pay, you'll have to loan me the money and I've give it to you back", I shook my head and said, "they take cash or card here, it's your choice". The next words from her mouth was, "You are such a fcking arsehole and the most humiliating cnt I've ever met", there was a sharp intake of breath from the remaining customers who numbered around 40. I rose from my seat, said, "thank you", headed towards the exit and didn't stop.

I suffer from very high blood pressure and stress from my job and had no intention of letting her behaviour drag me down a road I'd been along before, so I got in my car and drove home, she only lives a few hundred yards from the restaurant, so she could walk or get a taxi.

When I got home, I poured myself a large drink and mulled over the events the date/debacle, eventually falling asleep on the settee.

Just after 5am this morning, my mobile started pinging, thinking it was an emergency, I picked it up to find messages and stories from her, questions from my friends, asking if I was OK and notifications from FB. It seems the entire night had been turned into a completely different version of events and I was made out to be the guilty party who had left her in an unsafe situation, insulted and stranded 30 miles from home without any money or means for her to get home.

All of the above is 100% true and anyone who knows anything about Autism will know why. I'm not a liar, as lying only fools one person, the one telling the tale.

OP posts:
Puddington · 10/06/2023 18:32

Anyone who is making you feel ill and having huge blow-out arguments with you when you haven't even been dating for a MONTH isn't the one for you OP. The details are irrelevant really, block her and forget about it.

woodhill · 10/06/2023 18:34

She sounds awful OP

Yanbu

LittleRobin01 · 10/06/2023 18:34

Oh dear.

HarrietJet · 10/06/2023 18:35

You barely know this woman, how does she have the means to contact all your friends?

INeedAnotherName · 10/06/2023 18:38

Well, you don't seem to like her much so maybe it's for the best this relationship is over.

PS. Anybody who says this isn't a very nice person, but maybe that's just me.
I grew tired of her relentless nagging

ditalini · 10/06/2023 19:04

When someone says that they don't like celebrating their birthday so could you just not, the only suitable response is "Ok".

Telling lies about you is awful, but otherwise probably best that it's ended.

ditalini · 10/06/2023 19:05

INeedAnotherName · 10/06/2023 18:38

Well, you don't seem to like her much so maybe it's for the best this relationship is over.

PS. Anybody who says this isn't a very nice person, but maybe that's just me.
I grew tired of her relentless nagging

What language do you prefer for when people don't listen to your needs and preferences and try to make you do things you don't like?

Badger? Bully? Cajole?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2023 19:08

INeedAnotherName · 10/06/2023 18:38

Well, you don't seem to like her much so maybe it's for the best this relationship is over.

PS. Anybody who says this isn't a very nice person, but maybe that's just me.
I grew tired of her relentless nagging

Anybody who doesn't fucking listen and refuses to take no for an answer isn't a very nice person.

I fixed it for you.

RC1234 · 10/06/2023 19:18

You are not unreasonable. She sounds very cheeky. If I took my DH out to a birthday meal I would be expecting to pay for him. And if it was my birthday then I would be expecting he paid for me. Normal meals are paid for jointly. This is something we have always done. I know some women expect to always be paid for, but I am pretty sure that doesn't apply on the persons birthday as you are supposed to be treating them. If I couldn't afford it to treat someone to a meal out, I would say so and plan something else within my budget.

As she lived close to restaurant I don't think that she needed to be escorted home and in fact you were right to walk away following the public arguement.

She sounds very manipulative and I believe is taking advantage of your vulnerability. Lying about being left 30 mins from home when you only live round the corner is rotten behaviour. If someone accused me of half of that I would be arguing back hard. But arguements don't faze me. Tell your close friends what happened, block her and move on. You owe her nothing. There are better people out there.

Frogger8395 · 10/06/2023 19:33

She insisted she wanted to treat me for my birthday and went and on about it, I grew tired of her relentless nagging, so agreed and asked her to arranged something

You shouldn’t have asked her to arrange something if you didn’t want to. You say you were infuriated but yet agreed to go on somewhere else. people aren’t mind readers. Why didn’t you just say no?

XVII · 10/06/2023 19:38

What a great way to celebrate your 60th.
dreadful human. You’re well rid

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 10/06/2023 19:44

Horrible for you. Be glad it’s all over and you know what she’s like

Saschka · 10/06/2023 19:48

She sounds horrible, it doesn’t sound like you like her at all anyway, and you’d been going out for a month. Blocker her on everything, and move on.

This isn’t a NT think you are not understanding, she just sounds awful.

Mumofnarnia · 11/06/2023 09:08

She is abusive! Emotionally abusive! Calling you names because of the way SHE treated YOU and then playing the victim doesn’t sit right with me! OP get rid, she will always be like this. She was fine in the beginning because she was wearing a mask. Now the mask has slipped off and you have seen her for who she really is! And this is it now, once she’s got away with bullying you, she will carry on doing it, hence why you need to get rid and block her! I’m sure she will play the victim once she’s blocked but just ignore her, don’t try to argue with her or try to convince other people that you are not the guilty one. They will see for themselves eventually

Followill · 11/06/2023 09:20

Who actually paid for the meal in the end? Cos it sounds like you did actually walk out without paying?

ChristmasFluff · 11/06/2023 09:33

A lot happened i that few hundred yards drive from her house to the restaurant.

Lissadell · 11/06/2023 09:42

ChristmasFluff · 11/06/2023 09:33

A lot happened i that few hundred yards drive from her house to the restaurant.

Indeed. And a lot of drinking for a man who is driving.

Seaoftroubles · 11/06/2023 09:52

An unpleasant experience for you OP. She obviously doesn't understand about Autism and how it affects you, even though you tried to explain. Its a pity you gave in to her pressuring you to celebrate your birthday but in a way its clarified who she is; a horrible abusive bully. Just try to rise above it, block her and move on.

PrincessofWellies · 11/06/2023 09:58

Be interesting to hear the other person's perspective.

Nanny0gg · 11/06/2023 14:09

Do you think she might have arranged a 'surprise' at the pub??

Theunamedcat · 11/06/2023 14:14

Autistic people can lie what a strange comment to make

Maddy70 · 11/06/2023 14:20

Tbh of I took anyone out for their birthday I would pay. However. Just to have a starter and demean the gesture is rude and dismissive. You threw that back in her face

WestHamAreMassive · 11/06/2023 14:21

I think you're lying

FrankieStar · 11/06/2023 14:25

She sounds incredibly difficult - I also am not a fan of people who head straight to social media to share this sort of information for everyone to read - I find it attention seeking and childish; she sounds unhinged and as though she can't live without a lot of drama - she's in her 50's for gods sake, what is she playing at!?

INeedAnotherName · 11/06/2023 15:26

I've come back here because so much doesn't make sense.

If you hate your birthday so much how did she find out the date after only a month of dating?

Why did you ask her to organise something instead of just saying no, or even say the relationship isn't working for me, its over.
Why were you drinking and driving?

And yes...funny how the word nagging is only aimed at women, never men. Thats why I (and many others) hate it.