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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it down to her or my fault for being the way I am?

61 replies

RykerRider · 10/06/2023 18:12

Hi everyone, I'm new here, so please forgive me if I make any mistakes. I'm a guy who turned 60 yesterday and it was this that triggered my decision to make my first post.

Please read this paragraph first.

(One thing you must know, I've never liked either occasion and I don't know why, even as a kid, I hated both and my presents were regularly left unopened for months, some never got opened at all. I wasn't a horrible brat or anything, it's just I didn't like the celebration, simple as that. My mother had me at the doctors several times as a child as she thought there was something wrong with me, each time the doctor told her that I was fine and said, "he might grow out of it or he may not, you can't make him like Christmas or his birthdays, it's his choice, the celebrations of the world are not for everyone and we don't live in a "one size fits all society". From my 12th Christmas onwards I very high on the Autistic spectrum and this it would seem was the reason for my behaviour and likes/dislikes).

To my story. I've been seeing a 55 year old woman for almost a month and everything had been going along fine until yesterday. A couple of weeks ago, she said, "where would you like to go for your birthday"? I replied, "don't worry about it, you know I don't like birthdays or Christmas or the fuss that comes with it.

She insisted she wanted to treat me for my birthday and went and on about it, I grew tired of her relentless nagging, so agreed and asked her to arranged something, but not tell me where we were going until the day. Yesterday, I picked her up from home, but she seemed in an odd mood, I tried to jolly along the conversation, I asked her if she was looking forward to us spending the day together, I got, "I suppose so", I pulled to the side of the road and asked her if there was a problem, something was up, if someone had upset her or if she didn't want to go anymore, she shook her head and just gave me directions. I got out the car, went to the other side and opened the passenger door for her, she got out with her nose in the air and I got to thinking that I was going to get the Dear John treatment or something else.

We were shown to our table and the conversation was strained, I thought a couple of drinks might help, so we had some before our meal, but for some reason, it was like she was in a different world. When I get stressed, I lose my appetite, so I had a starter and nothing else, because I felt ill and uneasy.
Her reply to this was me being reprimanded for spoiling her meal by only having a starter, I again explained why I wasn't hungry and she just shook her head.
Then out of the blue, she said, "would you like to go for a another drink or two somewhere else"? It was early and I was infuriated to the point were I wanted to know what she was playing at, I replied, "why not", "OK" she said, "you pay the bill while I go to the loo". She turned on her heels and swanned off to the ladies while I sat and wondered what I'd just heard.

When she came back she said, "have you paid"? I shook my head, she piped up, "if you don't hurry up and pay the bill, we'll never get into the pub for last orders". I asked her to sit down and very nicely said, "you arranged this treat, therefore I'm not expecting to pay", there was a silence that could have been an hour long and I could see her expression change, her face got bright red and her eyes bored into me like she was cutting glass with a laser beam. I waited for a reply and after what must have been a minute, she said, "you are joking", then threw her head back and gave a very over the top and embarrassed laugh. My expression didn't change. Another silence followed, then she said, "well if I'm having to pay, you'll have to loan me the money and I've give it to you back", I shook my head and said, "they take cash or card here, it's your choice". The next words from her mouth was, "You are such a fcking arsehole and the most humiliating cnt I've ever met", there was a sharp intake of breath from the remaining customers who numbered around 40. I rose from my seat, said, "thank you", headed towards the exit and didn't stop.

I suffer from very high blood pressure and stress from my job and had no intention of letting her behaviour drag me down a road I'd been along before, so I got in my car and drove home, she only lives a few hundred yards from the restaurant, so she could walk or get a taxi.

When I got home, I poured myself a large drink and mulled over the events the date/debacle, eventually falling asleep on the settee.

Just after 5am this morning, my mobile started pinging, thinking it was an emergency, I picked it up to find messages and stories from her, questions from my friends, asking if I was OK and notifications from FB. It seems the entire night had been turned into a completely different version of events and I was made out to be the guilty party who had left her in an unsafe situation, insulted and stranded 30 miles from home without any money or means for her to get home.

All of the above is 100% true and anyone who knows anything about Autism will know why. I'm not a liar, as lying only fools one person, the one telling the tale.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 11/06/2023 20:14

I asked her to sit down and very nicely said, "you arranged this treat, therefore I'm not expecting to pay",

Fair enough, but I would have paid rather than look mean. Also, why wind her up even more, when she was obviously upset that you weren’t enjoying her intended treat? It just seems unnecessarily confrontational.

Mumofnarnia · 11/06/2023 20:46

Ofcourseshecan · 11/06/2023 20:14

I asked her to sit down and very nicely said, "you arranged this treat, therefore I'm not expecting to pay",

Fair enough, but I would have paid rather than look mean. Also, why wind her up even more, when she was obviously upset that you weren’t enjoying her intended treat? It just seems unnecessarily confrontational.

In all fairness, she was being rude to him all night and wouldn’t tell him why. If op’s story is the truthful version then I wouldn’t have wanted to pay either However I guess there are 2 sides to the story and we don’t know what happened in the days leading up to this night out to be able to establish why she might have been off with op.

However to call him names when he refused to pay, sounds like she’s someone to avoid anyway and is just happy to have someone else paying for all their food and drink. I’d be hurt if someone wanted to give me a birthday treat and then insisted I paid for it after being rude to me all night. She does sound a bit of a bully but like I said, we don’t know the full story.

gotthevibe · 12/06/2023 08:52

RykerRider · 10/06/2023 18:12

Hi everyone, I'm new here, so please forgive me if I make any mistakes. I'm a guy who turned 60 yesterday and it was this that triggered my decision to make my first post.

Please read this paragraph first.

(One thing you must know, I've never liked either occasion and I don't know why, even as a kid, I hated both and my presents were regularly left unopened for months, some never got opened at all. I wasn't a horrible brat or anything, it's just I didn't like the celebration, simple as that. My mother had me at the doctors several times as a child as she thought there was something wrong with me, each time the doctor told her that I was fine and said, "he might grow out of it or he may not, you can't make him like Christmas or his birthdays, it's his choice, the celebrations of the world are not for everyone and we don't live in a "one size fits all society". From my 12th Christmas onwards I very high on the Autistic spectrum and this it would seem was the reason for my behaviour and likes/dislikes).

To my story. I've been seeing a 55 year old woman for almost a month and everything had been going along fine until yesterday. A couple of weeks ago, she said, "where would you like to go for your birthday"? I replied, "don't worry about it, you know I don't like birthdays or Christmas or the fuss that comes with it.

She insisted she wanted to treat me for my birthday and went and on about it, I grew tired of her relentless nagging, so agreed and asked her to arranged something, but not tell me where we were going until the day. Yesterday, I picked her up from home, but she seemed in an odd mood, I tried to jolly along the conversation, I asked her if she was looking forward to us spending the day together, I got, "I suppose so", I pulled to the side of the road and asked her if there was a problem, something was up, if someone had upset her or if she didn't want to go anymore, she shook her head and just gave me directions. I got out the car, went to the other side and opened the passenger door for her, she got out with her nose in the air and I got to thinking that I was going to get the Dear John treatment or something else.

We were shown to our table and the conversation was strained, I thought a couple of drinks might help, so we had some before our meal, but for some reason, it was like she was in a different world. When I get stressed, I lose my appetite, so I had a starter and nothing else, because I felt ill and uneasy.
Her reply to this was me being reprimanded for spoiling her meal by only having a starter, I again explained why I wasn't hungry and she just shook her head.
Then out of the blue, she said, "would you like to go for a another drink or two somewhere else"? It was early and I was infuriated to the point were I wanted to know what she was playing at, I replied, "why not", "OK" she said, "you pay the bill while I go to the loo". She turned on her heels and swanned off to the ladies while I sat and wondered what I'd just heard.

When she came back she said, "have you paid"? I shook my head, she piped up, "if you don't hurry up and pay the bill, we'll never get into the pub for last orders". I asked her to sit down and very nicely said, "you arranged this treat, therefore I'm not expecting to pay", there was a silence that could have been an hour long and I could see her expression change, her face got bright red and her eyes bored into me like she was cutting glass with a laser beam. I waited for a reply and after what must have been a minute, she said, "you are joking", then threw her head back and gave a very over the top and embarrassed laugh. My expression didn't change. Another silence followed, then she said, "well if I'm having to pay, you'll have to loan me the money and I've give it to you back", I shook my head and said, "they take cash or card here, it's your choice". The next words from her mouth was, "You are such a fcking arsehole and the most humiliating cnt I've ever met", there was a sharp intake of breath from the remaining customers who numbered around 40. I rose from my seat, said, "thank you", headed towards the exit and didn't stop.

I suffer from very high blood pressure and stress from my job and had no intention of letting her behaviour drag me down a road I'd been along before, so I got in my car and drove home, she only lives a few hundred yards from the restaurant, so she could walk or get a taxi.

When I got home, I poured myself a large drink and mulled over the events the date/debacle, eventually falling asleep on the settee.

Just after 5am this morning, my mobile started pinging, thinking it was an emergency, I picked it up to find messages and stories from her, questions from my friends, asking if I was OK and notifications from FB. It seems the entire night had been turned into a completely different version of events and I was made out to be the guilty party who had left her in an unsafe situation, insulted and stranded 30 miles from home without any money or means for her to get home.

All of the above is 100% true and anyone who knows anything about Autism will know why. I'm not a liar, as lying only fools one person, the one telling the tale.

Don't see her again.
She was awful to you.
She has issues.

Newcareer2023 · 12/06/2023 08:57

Lucky escape look on the bright side.

gotthevibe · 12/06/2023 08:58

Maddy70 · 11/06/2023 14:20

Tbh of I took anyone out for their birthday I would pay. However. Just to have a starter and demean the gesture is rude and dismissive. You threw that back in her face

Thinking about the situation again I agree with this comment despite my previous comments.
After rethinking this I don't think the night was all her fault.
She was trying to arrange something nice and I get the feeling you weren't that enthusiastic and she was flustrated as who wants to eat with someone who just wants a starter. It all sounds horrible and then you aren't clicking with each other. Move on.

Pansypotter123 · 12/06/2023 09:04

I hope today is better for you and you can celebrate your birthday in your own way.

SixOClock · 12/06/2023 09:04

Lissadell · 11/06/2023 09:42

Indeed. And a lot of drinking for a man who is driving.

Both true.

VaddaABeetch · 12/06/2023 09:07

So you picked her up to drive a few hundred yards?

You drank alcohol even though you were driving?

Why put up with ‘relentless nagging’ from somebody you barely know?

I’m with @ChristmasFluff & @Lissadell.

Beluowens · 12/06/2023 09:13

She sounds absolutely awful and created an atmosphere right from the start.
I couldn't have sat and eaten much either OP in that kind of stressful environment .
I think her true colours showed when she made that nasty comment at the end.
Get rid and find the someone you deserve to be with.
Sorry this happened OP.

Katiesaidthat · 12/06/2023 09:18

Ofcourseshecan · 11/06/2023 20:14

I asked her to sit down and very nicely said, "you arranged this treat, therefore I'm not expecting to pay",

Fair enough, but I would have paid rather than look mean. Also, why wind her up even more, when she was obviously upset that you weren’t enjoying her intended treat? It just seems unnecessarily confrontational.

If he is paying it isn´t a treat, is it? I admire he had the balls to stand his ground.

Valour · 12/06/2023 09:32

I'd like to hear her side of the story.

Above all your petty dating dramas is the simple fact- Don't drink and drive. Don't do it. No matter what the circumstances.

Whenwillitallmakesense · 12/06/2023 09:35

I automatically question who has to say 'this is 100% the truth, I don't lie' at the end of their post.
If you don't like people 'nagging' you about celebrating occasions, you should have decided there and then that this woman was not for you, specialluif you think the 'nagging' would continue snd extend to every occasion. You should not have told her to arrange something if you were going to sit there with a starter just to prove you didn't want to celebrate your birthday.
I dont care how awful she might have behaved, she clearly said she didn't have the money to pay. If you had the means, you could have paid the bill and then stormed off to drink drive yourself home. Added to this, why did you need to pick her up if she lived so close by? Why take the car at all if you knew you were going to be drinking?
You were both at fault (if the story really is 100% true) and you're both best out of it.

safetyfreak · 12/06/2023 09:38

Good story bro

Mumofnarnia · 12/06/2023 09:43

gotthevibe · 12/06/2023 08:58

Thinking about the situation again I agree with this comment despite my previous comments.
After rethinking this I don't think the night was all her fault.
She was trying to arrange something nice and I get the feeling you weren't that enthusiastic and she was flustrated as who wants to eat with someone who just wants a starter. It all sounds horrible and then you aren't clicking with each other. Move on.

I agree with your comment, however, it sounds like the woman was being rude well before the meal. OP already said he can’t eat much when stressed and so only ordered a starter. I suppose I can see both sides but I would agree with this if she hadn’t been rude from the very start when he picked her up.

Mumofnarnia · 12/06/2023 09:48

Whenwillitallmakesense · 12/06/2023 09:35

I automatically question who has to say 'this is 100% the truth, I don't lie' at the end of their post.
If you don't like people 'nagging' you about celebrating occasions, you should have decided there and then that this woman was not for you, specialluif you think the 'nagging' would continue snd extend to every occasion. You should not have told her to arrange something if you were going to sit there with a starter just to prove you didn't want to celebrate your birthday.
I dont care how awful she might have behaved, she clearly said she didn't have the money to pay. If you had the means, you could have paid the bill and then stormed off to drink drive yourself home. Added to this, why did you need to pick her up if she lived so close by? Why take the car at all if you knew you were going to be drinking?
You were both at fault (if the story really is 100% true) and you're both best out of it.

But if she was doing it for him as a birthday treat then why didn’t she have the money to pay? Why would op pay for his own birthday ‘treat’ that someone else insisted on arranging for him. Yes I agree he should have stood his ground and told her he didn’t want to do anything for his birthday but why on earth would you offer to ‘treat’ someone on their birthday and not bring any money with you. If she simply couldn’t afford it she shouldn’t have insisted on organising it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/06/2023 09:48

On the face of it your account makes her sound like a horrendous villain. And you are far better off not being in touch with her.

However it would be interesting to learn her side of the story too.

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/06/2023 09:54

I don't suppose her initials are SB are they?

My only question is why were you drink-driving? And why did you drink more when you got home when you know you have high blood pressure?

Redebs · 12/06/2023 09:54

safetyfreak · 12/06/2023 09:38

Good story bro

👍

Whenwillitallmakesense · 12/06/2023 10:22

@Mumofnarnia I wasn't suggesting that she should have said it was her treat and then expected OP to pay. I'm saying, in that moment, once he found out she couldn't pay, to just pay the bill, if he could. Saying they take cash and cards is all well and good but it doesn't mean she had money in the bank and not everyone has credit cards. I'm not defending her actions, just saying, in my opinion, he shouldn't have left the restaurant staff with possibly no payment at all. As I said, just my opinion.
But I also don't think this is the whole story snd question the veracity of the '100%' truthfulness of it.

Letsbepractical · 12/06/2023 10:39

You are not compatible and this relationship has no future. Her abusive language that you quoted is not acceptable. Ideally, her emotional reaction should have been managed better by herself.

However. You may have different recollection and different understanding what happened because you are neurodivergent. It’s not about assigning blame, it’s about realising that the interpretation of self, others and the world is different for people with neurodivergency and for neurotypicals.

Mumofnarnia · 12/06/2023 10:40

Whenwillitallmakesense · 12/06/2023 10:22

@Mumofnarnia I wasn't suggesting that she should have said it was her treat and then expected OP to pay. I'm saying, in that moment, once he found out she couldn't pay, to just pay the bill, if he could. Saying they take cash and cards is all well and good but it doesn't mean she had money in the bank and not everyone has credit cards. I'm not defending her actions, just saying, in my opinion, he shouldn't have left the restaurant staff with possibly no payment at all. As I said, just my opinion.
But I also don't think this is the whole story snd question the veracity of the '100%' truthfulness of it.

I completely agree with you that the meal shouldn’t have been left unpaid for. But this woman does sound vindictive if she wanted to treat op for his birthday and then turned up with no way of paying for it. Hence I can see the op’s frustrations however like you say, we only know one side of the story and I’d like to know what happened in the days leading up to that day

Tidsleytiddy · 12/06/2023 10:42

Why was the OP infuriated when the woman suggested going on for a drink elsewhere? I don’t get that bit

RykerRider · 10/07/2023 09:22

Good morning everyone, I have to apologise for my lack of replies on my post, there is a very valid reason that I will explain shortly. Just to clarify, I wasn't drinking and driving, I was on soft drinks and the following day, I called the restaurant, asked if the bill had been paid, it turned out it hadn't, so I explained what had happened, this was understood and I was allowed to pay the bill and I left a good tip out of courtesy.

However, in late evening that day, I started to feel rather unwell, I thought it was the stress of the previous day and left it at that, I must have managed to fall asleep, but woke up in great pain, so I called an ambulance and was whisked off to hospital. I have no recall of this, but apparently I was unconscious for 10 days and doctors found out I had Sepsis. I don't know the full extent of treatment I've had, but I do know I was on life support for several days, was given several forms of medication, had to have injections into the spine and half of my left kidney removed. According to the surgeon, all the infection has been removed and with luck, I shouldn't have anymore issues. I only came out of hospital last Friday, so I've been in almost a month and not for the first time, I have to thank the wonderful NHS for saving my life again. The daughter of my cousin is a nurse in the ward I was on and she told me I was close to the point of no return a few times, so although I had no idea, thinking about it, leaves me scared.

Understandably, I'm not feeling my best at the moment and feel rather well beaten up/tired/sore/vague/weak and weary, I will respond to all your replies when I'm feeling more cognitive.

X.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/07/2023 09:37

Gosh, that sounds really dramatic!

Ellie1015 · 10/07/2023 09:44

That sounds awful, hope you are feeling much better soon.

As for original post, you were not unreasonable and i wouldn't try to salvage any kind of relationship with her.

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