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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it down to her or my fault for being the way I am?

61 replies

RykerRider · 10/06/2023 18:12

Hi everyone, I'm new here, so please forgive me if I make any mistakes. I'm a guy who turned 60 yesterday and it was this that triggered my decision to make my first post.

Please read this paragraph first.

(One thing you must know, I've never liked either occasion and I don't know why, even as a kid, I hated both and my presents were regularly left unopened for months, some never got opened at all. I wasn't a horrible brat or anything, it's just I didn't like the celebration, simple as that. My mother had me at the doctors several times as a child as she thought there was something wrong with me, each time the doctor told her that I was fine and said, "he might grow out of it or he may not, you can't make him like Christmas or his birthdays, it's his choice, the celebrations of the world are not for everyone and we don't live in a "one size fits all society". From my 12th Christmas onwards I very high on the Autistic spectrum and this it would seem was the reason for my behaviour and likes/dislikes).

To my story. I've been seeing a 55 year old woman for almost a month and everything had been going along fine until yesterday. A couple of weeks ago, she said, "where would you like to go for your birthday"? I replied, "don't worry about it, you know I don't like birthdays or Christmas or the fuss that comes with it.

She insisted she wanted to treat me for my birthday and went and on about it, I grew tired of her relentless nagging, so agreed and asked her to arranged something, but not tell me where we were going until the day. Yesterday, I picked her up from home, but she seemed in an odd mood, I tried to jolly along the conversation, I asked her if she was looking forward to us spending the day together, I got, "I suppose so", I pulled to the side of the road and asked her if there was a problem, something was up, if someone had upset her or if she didn't want to go anymore, she shook her head and just gave me directions. I got out the car, went to the other side and opened the passenger door for her, she got out with her nose in the air and I got to thinking that I was going to get the Dear John treatment or something else.

We were shown to our table and the conversation was strained, I thought a couple of drinks might help, so we had some before our meal, but for some reason, it was like she was in a different world. When I get stressed, I lose my appetite, so I had a starter and nothing else, because I felt ill and uneasy.
Her reply to this was me being reprimanded for spoiling her meal by only having a starter, I again explained why I wasn't hungry and she just shook her head.
Then out of the blue, she said, "would you like to go for a another drink or two somewhere else"? It was early and I was infuriated to the point were I wanted to know what she was playing at, I replied, "why not", "OK" she said, "you pay the bill while I go to the loo". She turned on her heels and swanned off to the ladies while I sat and wondered what I'd just heard.

When she came back she said, "have you paid"? I shook my head, she piped up, "if you don't hurry up and pay the bill, we'll never get into the pub for last orders". I asked her to sit down and very nicely said, "you arranged this treat, therefore I'm not expecting to pay", there was a silence that could have been an hour long and I could see her expression change, her face got bright red and her eyes bored into me like she was cutting glass with a laser beam. I waited for a reply and after what must have been a minute, she said, "you are joking", then threw her head back and gave a very over the top and embarrassed laugh. My expression didn't change. Another silence followed, then she said, "well if I'm having to pay, you'll have to loan me the money and I've give it to you back", I shook my head and said, "they take cash or card here, it's your choice". The next words from her mouth was, "You are such a fcking arsehole and the most humiliating cnt I've ever met", there was a sharp intake of breath from the remaining customers who numbered around 40. I rose from my seat, said, "thank you", headed towards the exit and didn't stop.

I suffer from very high blood pressure and stress from my job and had no intention of letting her behaviour drag me down a road I'd been along before, so I got in my car and drove home, she only lives a few hundred yards from the restaurant, so she could walk or get a taxi.

When I got home, I poured myself a large drink and mulled over the events the date/debacle, eventually falling asleep on the settee.

Just after 5am this morning, my mobile started pinging, thinking it was an emergency, I picked it up to find messages and stories from her, questions from my friends, asking if I was OK and notifications from FB. It seems the entire night had been turned into a completely different version of events and I was made out to be the guilty party who had left her in an unsafe situation, insulted and stranded 30 miles from home without any money or means for her to get home.

All of the above is 100% true and anyone who knows anything about Autism will know why. I'm not a liar, as lying only fools one person, the one telling the tale.

OP posts:
DamaskRosie · 10/07/2023 09:48

Another one here wondering what the other side of the story is.

But honestly, you barely know her. You've been seeing each other for a month. It all sounds like a lot of drama and I'd just end it and move on.

CatsSnore · 10/07/2023 09:52

OP If everything you say is true then she's not a very nice person and I am wondering if she was taking advantage of you. If you want a more balanced view maybe take it to Reddit on the am I the asshole sub.

I think It's good that you came home, I don't think it would be a good idea to see her again.

I would say a great lesson to learn here is to state your needs in the beginning. You can't blame her for wanting to celebrate your birthday and to not understand why you don't like it. Going forward when you meet someone again make it clear that you don't do birthdays or Christmas at all. Sometimes people say they don't like birthdays but still want a fuss over them, make sure someone knows exactly where you stand on it.

Fraaahnces · 10/07/2023 09:54

Well that doesn’t sound like an experience that is likely to make you enjoy birthdays any more! I’m glad you made it. You’re bound to be quite sore after this and your body has been through so much with the surgery and infection. Please rest and look after yourself. I would give your lady friend a swerve, tbh. I wonder if she genuinely doesn’t understand your autism or is taking advantage of it. Either way, you need someone who believes what you say about birthdays, etc, and doesn’t turn it into an opportunity for their own benefit.

Horsedoglover59 · 10/07/2023 10:09

I definitely think avoid this woman in the future, she sounds not at all nice. I'm glad to hear you have recovered from what sounds like a very nasty bout of sepsis, and encourage you to be good to yourself and take life easy whilst you continue your recovery at home.

Dullardmullard · 10/07/2023 10:28

You said Yesterday and now 10 days in hospital eh did I read that right.

more holes than a tetley tea bag.

baileys6904 · 10/07/2023 10:36

Dullardmullard · 10/07/2023 10:28

You said Yesterday and now 10 days in hospital eh did I read that right.

more holes than a tetley tea bag.

You're aware the OP was posted 10th June aren't you, cos nobody would dismiss someone so easily with double checking the dates...

Dullardmullard · 10/07/2023 10:41

baileys6904 · 10/07/2023 10:36

You're aware the OP was posted 10th June aren't you, cos nobody would dismiss someone so easily with double checking the dates...

I didn’t check the date apologies as I assumed it was a new thread

baileys6904 · 10/07/2023 11:29

Dullardmullard · 10/07/2023 10:41

I didn’t check the date apologies as I assumed it was a new thread

Fair play for replying, and no probs, easy done 😁

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 10/07/2023 14:39

@Dullardmullard now now! We're not allowed to point this sort of thing out! Grin

LadyJ2023 · 10/07/2023 14:52

I hate celebrations also and luckily my partner is great about it. Fancy arranging a treat and wanting you to pay rude and ludicrous. Your seriously better off alone and to talk to you like that don't get involved with her. Have a think, block her and her friends tho I'm not sure why there messaging you as your barely into a relationship and move on

RykerRider · 11/07/2023 01:40

Morning all, God I feel ill, I've not had any sleep, I feel worried, scared and daren't go to sleep in case I don't wake up. I'm shaking like a leaf and cannot stop, I think I'd better go to hospital or call 999.

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