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Original poster

Weightloss. Am I being ridiculous?

52 replies

Toomuchtothinkabouttoday · 09/06/2023 07:36

I've been promising myself I'll lose weight for a while but not quite managed to get myself into the headspace for it! I didn't have a lot to lose - just a stone and a halfish - and just kept putting it off.

Anyway, I've now lost 18lb and I'm 4lb away from my target weight.

I started seeing my boyfriend when I was the heavier weight and, in the time I knew him beforehand when he said he'd had a crush on me, I'd already lost a stone and a half. He said he'd not noticed. He also said that my weight doesn't define me and all that and that he'd love me whether I gained or lost weight.

I gain and lose weight proportionally so I feel that when I look at myself, I can't really see a difference but I've lost 3 inches from both my waist and hips and yesterday wore a dress I haven't fitted into for around 8 years. So, realistically, I must look different.

Anyway, yesterday, he made a few 'appreciative' comments about the weightloss. Just that he could see the difference, that I have an hourglass figure now (I did before - I was just bigger but now there's not so much fat to spread when I lie down!) and, when we got into bed last night, he put his hand on my tummy and noted that there was less of it now. There is. It's true. I still have a small tummy but that's my age and a c section for you!

He hasn't made any comments about preference or fancying me more but it's made me feel really uncomfortable and I don't know why. Like all the stuff before was just him paying lip service to weight not being important/him finding me no more or less attractive because of it? I don't know!

I think if I asked him, he'd probably just say he was being encouraging and supportive. Which I can see. But it's just made me feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchtothinkabouttoday · 09/06/2023 07:39

For clarity, I lost the weight for health reasons and so I could wear clothes I'd long since grown out of, not because I wanted to be 'more attractive'.

OP posts:
Icanbringmyselfflowers · 09/06/2023 07:39

Ok, are you normally very sensitive ? If so why don’t you tell him he shouldn’t comment on your body or your weight? But will you be happy with this, or would you then feel he’s not noticed?

Original poster
Toomuchtothinkabouttoday · 09/06/2023 07:44

Tbh, I nearly typed that I'd almost prefer it if he didn't notice!

He only commented yesterday because he saw me in the dress I hadn't worn for years and he asked if it was new.

I don't think I am particularly sensitive but the man I was with before him was a twat and constantly made comments asking why I wasn't slimmer and there are plenty of women my age and older who are 'tiny' so there's no reason I couldn't be. I just thought he was a twat and paid no attention to it (and dumped him) but I now seem to be projecting some of this stuff onto my boyfriend.

It's just totally come out of nowhere because I've always been reasonably comfortable in my appearance before.

Men have always commented negatively and I've just ignored it.

OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 09/06/2023 07:49

I'm not sure what he's done wrong to be honest.

Original poster
Toomuchtothinkabouttoday · 09/06/2023 07:52

No, me neither.

It's just made me feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 09/06/2023 07:52

Losing weight really messes with your head, it takes a while to get used to it yourself. Cut him some slack, seems he can't do anything right at the minute.

WilkinsonM · 09/06/2023 07:56

YABU!
slimmer, proportionate bodies look objectively better than overweight ones (don't come at me, it's true) so why would it bother you that he's noticed?
I've recently gone from 14.5 stone to 13 and my DP (who definitely fancies me at 14.5 stone!) has said I'm looking good now. It doesn't mean he didn't fancy me before but I know I look better now so what's the issue with him also acknowledging that?
don't be so sensitive. Yes there is a risk that either of us could put the weight back on but he fancied you at the higher weight so don't be silly about it!

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 09/06/2023 07:56

I think I get it.

The ’compliments’ often comes off as NOW you suddenly have more worth as a human being, because your thinner.
It’s crazy how differently people treat you heavier vs. thinner.
MN often gaslight people about this topic, but it’s true.

highlandspooce · 09/06/2023 07:59

I have no idea what you are getting at? Why has he done/not done?

rainyskylight · 09/06/2023 07:59

I also don’t think he’s done anything wrong. Losing weight can be very emotional, with both wanting it to be acknowledged but also in a way that somehow doesn’t imply that in the past they were fat. I think he’s trying to be complimentary in a minefield.

perhaps you could say ask him gently not to say anything in future just because it makes you feel self conscious and you wouldn’t want to risk taking anything the wrong way or any miscommunications.

highlandspooce · 09/06/2023 07:59

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 09/06/2023 07:56

I think I get it.

The ’compliments’ often comes off as NOW you suddenly have more worth as a human being, because your thinner.
It’s crazy how differently people treat you heavier vs. thinner.
MN often gaslight people about this topic, but it’s true.

This is true but OP has lost juts over a stone so hardly likely to be in the same leaguer as people who are obese and then lose weight and suddenly become 'visible'

Letitrow · 09/06/2023 08:01

I feel like it's probably a no win for him. If he doesn't acknowledge it you'll no doubt ponder why he isn't paying attention, and if he does, as he did in a roundabout way then you'll assume he was lying about finding you attractive before. Reality is the fact he's noticed your weight loss doesn't mean he was pretending to find you attractive and sext beforehand; very few people have a set small window of what they find appealing.

I suspect you feel how you do due to your experiences with previous men and the realisation that overall society treats you better when you're slim. If he is otherwise decent and you enjoy being with him I'd prioritise working on my own thoughts towards weight rather than project this onto his comment.

SaveMeFromForearms · 09/06/2023 08:04

Thing is when you lose weight 'you look great' can easily be heard as 'and you used to look shit'.

I've lost a decent amount of weight in the last few years and man in particular has got really flirty since then...and in my sad craven state I like it but also think 'where were you when I was fat then'.

It does fuck with your perception of things I think.

Redhenwattle701 · 09/06/2023 08:07

This merits a conversation with your dh op.

Sit him down in a calm moment and tell him
that his comments made you feel uncomfortable. Tell him you are extra sensitive to comments like that bc of a previous relationship. Give him a chance to explain what he meant. If he is not otherwise a twat then I am sure he was just trying to be complimentary just as you would be if your partner changed his hairstyle or trained in the gym and put on some muscle.

You would still love the unique individual that makes up “them” however much their outer “casing” changed wouldn’t you?

DontGetEvenGetEverything · 09/06/2023 08:11

I agree with PPs, body image and wieght - there's alot of sensitivity and emotion around it for (almost?) all women.
I wonder, if you'd quit smoking and your partner said, "Your skin looks great!" to help encourage you with it, would that bring up the same discomfort? For me it wouldn't, but I can relate, I think my partner mentioning weight would always be a minefield. But I suspect your partner is just trying to be encouraging.

Letitrow · 09/06/2023 08:17

Redhenwattle701 · 09/06/2023 08:07

This merits a conversation with your dh op.

Sit him down in a calm moment and tell him
that his comments made you feel uncomfortable. Tell him you are extra sensitive to comments like that bc of a previous relationship. Give him a chance to explain what he meant. If he is not otherwise a twat then I am sure he was just trying to be complimentary just as you would be if your partner changed his hairstyle or trained in the gym and put on some muscle.

You would still love the unique individual that makes up “them” however much their outer “casing” changed wouldn’t you?

Please don't do this unless you want to ruin your relationship.

Whattodo112222 · 09/06/2023 08:19

Op. This is a non problem. Sorry to he harsh but I'm struggling to see what your bloke has done wrong.

Original poster
Toomuchtothinkabouttoday · 09/06/2023 08:27

I haven't said he's done anything wrong.

I said it made me feel uncomfortable.

I suspect that other posters have hit on it though. A combination of previous experiences amd now feeling that thee is a value added element to now being slimmer.

I'm only 5'3 so 1 and a half stone is quite a lot. I can't see a difference but I got dressed this morning and can see I look better in my clothes. They fit and hang better.

OP posts:
Icanbringmyselfflowers · 09/06/2023 08:32

That’s great you feel you look good.

crossstitchingnana · 09/06/2023 08:38

He sounds wonderful. Loves you the way you are and compliments you on your achievements.

Head wobble time.

WilkinsonM · 09/06/2023 08:40

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 09/06/2023 07:56

I think I get it.

The ’compliments’ often comes off as NOW you suddenly have more worth as a human being, because your thinner.
It’s crazy how differently people treat you heavier vs. thinner.
MN often gaslight people about this topic, but it’s true.

It's not that deep! Nothing to do with 'worth as a human being'. Get that fat liberation nonsense out of your mind or you'll have a needlessly unhappy life. It's aesthetic.

WilkinsonM · 09/06/2023 08:41

SaveMeFromForearms · 09/06/2023 08:04

Thing is when you lose weight 'you look great' can easily be heard as 'and you used to look shit'.

I've lost a decent amount of weight in the last few years and man in particular has got really flirty since then...and in my sad craven state I like it but also think 'where were you when I was fat then'.

It does fuck with your perception of things I think.

He didn't fancy you as much when you were fatter. And so what?

DedicatedFolllowerofFashion · 09/06/2023 08:43

He also said that my weight doesn't define me and all that and that he'd love me whether I gained or lost weight

He hasn't made any comments about preference or fancying me more but it's made me feel really uncomfortable and I don't know why. Like all the stuff before was just him paying lip service to weight not being important/him finding me no more or less attractive because of it? I don't know!

Surely this proves that he was telling the truth as he sees it?

SaveMeFromForearms · 09/06/2023 08:48

What do you mean so what @WilkinsonM

I was empathising with how the OP feels from a place of my own experience 🤷🏻‍♀️

WilkinsonM · 09/06/2023 08:54

SaveMeFromForearms · 09/06/2023 08:48

What do you mean so what @WilkinsonM

I was empathising with how the OP feels from a place of my own experience 🤷🏻‍♀️

So why does it bother you that he fancies you more now you've lose weight? Why are you offended by that?