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Original poster

Weightloss. Am I being ridiculous?

52 replies

Toomuchtothinkabouttoday · 09/06/2023 07:36

I've been promising myself I'll lose weight for a while but not quite managed to get myself into the headspace for it! I didn't have a lot to lose - just a stone and a halfish - and just kept putting it off.

Anyway, I've now lost 18lb and I'm 4lb away from my target weight.

I started seeing my boyfriend when I was the heavier weight and, in the time I knew him beforehand when he said he'd had a crush on me, I'd already lost a stone and a half. He said he'd not noticed. He also said that my weight doesn't define me and all that and that he'd love me whether I gained or lost weight.

I gain and lose weight proportionally so I feel that when I look at myself, I can't really see a difference but I've lost 3 inches from both my waist and hips and yesterday wore a dress I haven't fitted into for around 8 years. So, realistically, I must look different.

Anyway, yesterday, he made a few 'appreciative' comments about the weightloss. Just that he could see the difference, that I have an hourglass figure now (I did before - I was just bigger but now there's not so much fat to spread when I lie down!) and, when we got into bed last night, he put his hand on my tummy and noted that there was less of it now. There is. It's true. I still have a small tummy but that's my age and a c section for you!

He hasn't made any comments about preference or fancying me more but it's made me feel really uncomfortable and I don't know why. Like all the stuff before was just him paying lip service to weight not being important/him finding me no more or less attractive because of it? I don't know!

I think if I asked him, he'd probably just say he was being encouraging and supportive. Which I can see. But it's just made me feel really uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Pamspeople · 09/06/2023 09:01

I get it, OP, I have struggled in the past with compliments when I've lost weight. For me it's partly political, partly not wanting to be especially "visible" or judged on my appearance, partly I think that makes me feel vulnerable. It's not necessarily rational, but it nevertheless brings up confusing emotions for me! And I hear you that you're not saying you think he's done something wrong, just pondering your emotional response.

TooJoy · 09/06/2023 09:02

crossstitchingnana · 09/06/2023 08:38

He sounds wonderful. Loves you the way you are and compliments you on your achievements.

Head wobble time.

Absolutely this!

You say yourself you look and feel better and so of course he’s going to feel this too.
Some of it will be how you physically look and some of it will be because you’ve grown in confidence which is always sexy.

He found you attractive before and now he is complimenting you and finding you even more attractive.

Stravaig · 09/06/2023 09:12

So you drew his attention to your weight loss, by telling him you had, and he said he hadn't noticed and it didn't affect his feelings.

Now, some time later, he's volunteered some positive remarks - no doubt thinking you'd appreciate it after previously promoting him - and you feel uncomfortable.

You feel the way you feel, but framing it with any reference to your poor boyfriend who simply can't win is very unreasonable! What would have been acceptable for him to say? Nothing? He tried that already 🤷‍♀️.

How you feel about yourself is yours to work on, and a change in your body shape or body image can take some time to adjust to. It sounds like you've learned that you are hyper sensitive, and feel better without any commentary from others. So ask for that, and stick to it, and don't prod for comments.

Can you chat through all this with a trusted friend of counsellor? It might help. It's you who feels there is value is being slimmer, that's why you've done it - it's time to own that!

SaveMeFromForearms · 09/06/2023 09:19

I'm not offended by it, it just is very obviously a reminder that a large part of our value in society is about looks.

StarGuide · 09/06/2023 09:25

I think this is your own insecurities to work on as he hasn't said or done anything objectively offensive to make a person feel insecure. Its like your mind is looking for trouble or a negative narrative because that's what you think should happen.

moose62 · 09/06/2023 09:36

I think you are focusing too much on the past and not on the present. He likes you regardless of your weight but probably felt you looked really good in your dress...which you also thought you did!
I think you are in real danger of over thinking what he said, he is just being nice, and if you mention it he will feel that he is dammed is he does and dammed if he doesn't.....
My DH never comments, fat or thin, so sometimes I wonder if I'm invisible to him!

WilkinsonM · 09/06/2023 09:40

SaveMeFromForearms · 09/06/2023 09:19

I'm not offended by it, it just is very obviously a reminder that a large part of our value in society is about looks.

I mean...when it comes to attracting sexual partners, yes!

ActDottie · 09/06/2023 09:52

MrsPerfect12 · 09/06/2023 07:49

I'm not sure what he's done wrong to be honest.

This! It’s like he can do no right.

rainyskylight · 09/06/2023 09:54

The other thing, OP, is that you’ll have worked hard on this weight loss. Most successful “projects” people work hard on invite and/or deserve our loved ones to recognise this. But it can be hugely sensitive when it’s about losing weight. If you hadn’t been successful, perhaps you’d be craving these sorts of comments.

Try to concentrate on your achievement and feeling good in your body. You deserve this!

Pamspeople · 09/06/2023 10:14

ActDottie · 09/06/2023 09:52

This! It’s like he can do no right.

Show quote history

I don't think OP has said he's done something wrong, she's just trying to work out why she feels uncomfortable

PN54DJS · 09/06/2023 11:07

'I haven't said he's done anything wrong.

I said it made me feel uncomfortable.'

@Toomuchtothinkabouttoday

Sorry OP, but that's a you problem.
The comments he has made are not intended to make you feel uncomfortable, and most people receiving those comments wouldn't feel uncomfortable. You have perceived them in that nature yourself.

He sounds like a good guy and you're not picking a little bit.

CallieQ · 09/06/2023 11:14

Toomuchtothinkabouttoday · 09/06/2023 07:36

I've been promising myself I'll lose weight for a while but not quite managed to get myself into the headspace for it! I didn't have a lot to lose - just a stone and a halfish - and just kept putting it off.

Anyway, I've now lost 18lb and I'm 4lb away from my target weight.

I started seeing my boyfriend when I was the heavier weight and, in the time I knew him beforehand when he said he'd had a crush on me, I'd already lost a stone and a half. He said he'd not noticed. He also said that my weight doesn't define me and all that and that he'd love me whether I gained or lost weight.

I gain and lose weight proportionally so I feel that when I look at myself, I can't really see a difference but I've lost 3 inches from both my waist and hips and yesterday wore a dress I haven't fitted into for around 8 years. So, realistically, I must look different.

Anyway, yesterday, he made a few 'appreciative' comments about the weightloss. Just that he could see the difference, that I have an hourglass figure now (I did before - I was just bigger but now there's not so much fat to spread when I lie down!) and, when we got into bed last night, he put his hand on my tummy and noted that there was less of it now. There is. It's true. I still have a small tummy but that's my age and a c section for you!

He hasn't made any comments about preference or fancying me more but it's made me feel really uncomfortable and I don't know why. Like all the stuff before was just him paying lip service to weight not being important/him finding me no more or less attractive because of it? I don't know!

I think if I asked him, he'd probably just say he was being encouraging and supportive. Which I can see. But it's just made me feel really uncomfortable.

You are way over thinking this , just appreciate what he says

Comedycook · 09/06/2023 11:18

Sounds like he can't win.

ABugWife · 09/06/2023 11:21

If I have worked hard and lost weight I damn well want the compliments on how great I look. I would be disappointed if DP didn't comment.

I don't think your DP has done anything wrong, if he didn't comment you would think he preferred you bigger.

CallieQ · 09/06/2023 11:22

I'm amazed that he sounds like a really nice guy saying all the right things and still OP isn't happy

Original poster
Toomuchtothinkabouttoday · 09/06/2023 13:01

Pamspeople · 09/06/2023 10:14

I don't think OP has said he's done something wrong, she's just trying to work out why she feels uncomfortable

Show quote history

Thank you for actually reading my posts!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toomuchtothinkabouttoday · 09/06/2023 13:05

Thank you to the people who have actually understood what I was saying!

I was clear that I don't think he did anything wrong but I was surprised it had made me feel uncomfortable and was trying to understand why.

I wouldn't necessarily say I feel more confident but it is nice to fit into clothes I didn't fit into a couple of months ago! I did it more for health reasons than anything.

Just got to keep it off now 🤣

OP posts:
Beanscene · 09/06/2023 16:16

He sounds lovely, enjoy the compliments. I wish my DH would pay me compliments/ shows me that he finds me attractive but he just doesn't. And I am 'thin/small' but have never had any compliments on my body and prior to DH I was never approached by men. So weight really isn't an Indicator of attractiveness if that makes sense.

CallieQ · 10/06/2023 01:24

I did read your posts and it all sounds like a huge fuss over nothing

MintyBinty · 10/06/2023 04:09

i understand what you mean OP. If/when I’ve lost weight and people start complimenting me, it makes me feel uncomfortable too. It’s what isn’t being said that is the issue for me. It feels like, by focusing on how much “better” I look now, they are inadvertently telling me that they thought the opposite when I was heavier.

this might not be the case at all, and it may just be me being overly sensitive. But I think that’s why it makes me feel weird. Like I suddenly have more value than I did before.

I just prefer not to receive those kind of compliments now, tbh. Even if they’re well-meaning, I don’t like what they imply about weight loss + a woman’s worth/value.

Beanscene · 10/06/2023 07:44

@MintyBinty I kind get what you and OP mean and women's weight should not be commented on at all..... But imagine honestly how you would feel if you got no compliments at all.

perfectcolourfound · 10/06/2023 08:01

You said that you think you look better now, so it's not a shock that he thinks the same.

If you were less self-confident before (either due to body issues or generally) then you relate 'you look lovely' to ' you didn't look lovely before'. When of course that's not what it means.

I changed my hair colour this week. DH gushed about it when I got home, and that was nice. I didn't assume that meant he hated my old hair colour. We all have things that physically suit us more - it might be hairstyle, body shape, wearing a certain colour. People complement for kind reasons, and it doesn't mean they think we looked rubbish before.

Followill · 10/06/2023 08:18

Beanscene · 10/06/2023 07:44

@MintyBinty I kind get what you and OP mean and women's weight should not be commented on at all..... But imagine honestly how you would feel if you got no compliments at all.

You don't need to say 'Oh wow you look great now you've lost weight'. You could just say 'Oh wow you look great' and leave it as that.

OP, it does feel like you're projecting based on your past relationship. Probably thinking here is another man ready to put me down over my weight. While the two could appear similar, I actually think how your DP reacted is different to your ex. Your ex sounds like he made a lot of negative and unsolicited negative comments. DP sounds like he has responded positively after you've mentioned your weight loss. In his mind he's trying to say the right things to make you feel good. It doesn't sound like he voiced a preference like your EX did, more that he has noticed your hard work and effort.

I've been with DH for a long time. Through thicker and thinner. He told me I was sexy when I was thin, told me I was sexy when I was fat. Tells me I'm sexy now I'm thinner again. He has never voiced a preference for either IYSWIM. He does say he can see a difference when I lose weight. But it's a statement of fact.

johnnydeppsslipper · 10/06/2023 08:27

'
@Toomuchtothinkabouttoday

Well done one getting the weight off you must feel
So much better.

I need to lose three stone for health as well as feeling better about myself so I know how hard it is to stay focused

I also am of the shorter height so it shows more.

Take his compliments as a positive as I'm sure that's what he's doing being supportive and enjoy your clothes again

diamondpony80 · 10/06/2023 09:01

Letitrow · 09/06/2023 08:17

Please don't do this unless you want to ruin your relationship.

Show quote history

Exactly what I thought!