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Original poster

New man I’m dating and weed use

92 replies

Adviceneeded45 · 08/06/2023 19:16

I met a new man online 2 months ago, he admitted he smokes weed every evening. I have made it clear that I am not into any drugs at all. He has said he intends to come off it and it was his plan this year to cut it way back. I’ve called it off because I found myself getting feelings for him.
he has asked me to give him 6 months to come off it, he says he can’t commit to coming off it in a few days time but he will get the wheels in motion to start making changes.
he’s asked that we continue to see eachother and is happy to take things super slow while he makes these changes.
he is a very nice man, professional, kind, caring from what I know so far. He does have anxiety and uses the weed for that, he only started smoking weed in his 30s and said no one would know he even does it.
should I give this a chance?

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 08/06/2023 23:32

That will be the longest six months of your life!

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 08/06/2023 23:33

Generally speaking people only give up stuff/diet/get their act together when the find the motivation from within themselves. He's not given up before. He's not going to give up now. He might have to waste 6 months giving up his habit. You don't.

GentlemanJay · 08/06/2023 23:34

LBFseBrom · 08/06/2023 19:46

I don't see the harm if your guy only smokes it in the evening. Presumably some evenings he is not at home so it's not every night and not when he is with you. He probably has it to wind down before bed. I doubt you'd think anything of it if he had a brandy or two at night.

I do 20 mins Pilates to wind down before bed.

LBFseBrom · 08/06/2023 23:35

GentlemanJay · 08/06/2023 23:34

I do 20 mins Pilates to wind down before bed.

Show quote history

That sounds good! I love pilates.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/06/2023 23:36

Everyone knows he smokes 😂 he is fooling himself otherwise.
No, I wouldn't continue or give him a chance, if you can't control yourself whilst talking with him just block him and move on, he is a waste of your time.

LillieLoo · 08/06/2023 23:38

Did it contribute to the end of his last relationship? If so, if he couldn't give it up for her and/or the children if he has them then unlikely he will give it up for you or at all.

LBFseBrom · 08/06/2023 23:41

I've just re-read the op's first post. She has only been seeing him two months, it might not last anyway for all sorts of reasons. Presumably, he doesn't smoke weed when he's with her and if they enjoy each other's company why not carry on as they are without commitment? I don't know or didn't notice how old they are but if they're fairly young, the chances are he will gradually give up the weed anyway; many people were regular pot smokers who don't do it now. It's a rite of passage for some unless he's a musician or other sort of performing arts person, with them it's part of life.

In Amerstam you can buy it baked into cakes.

intothegreek · 08/06/2023 23:57

KnownByAssociation · 08/06/2023 19:31

After wasting 7 years of my life on a weed addict, trust me... run for the hills 🚩

17 for me, waste of my life. Please run away, fast and far!

Thisisbollocksmark · 09/06/2023 00:44

user1497207191 · 08/06/2023 23:12

I wouldn’t date someone with a drink problem like that either.

Show quote history

I just don't understand why one is socially acceptable and even encouraged and the other is seen as evil. It's no different.

If we're going to look down on people smoking chronically, we should be looking down on people who are drinking alcohol every single day equally.

Isthisreasonable · 09/06/2023 00:57

A professional in his thirties? He must know that it will fuel his anxiety not improve it. Run, don't waste time on him.

conversationsinthedark · 09/06/2023 07:51

Sorry but some of the replies on here are just ignorant! I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years & he told me on our second date that he smoked weed & it was my choice if that was a dealbreaker or not...it had been for previous girlfriends/dates. He smokes most evenings & I really don't see the problem. He is kind, caring, loving, professional ..only his close friends know he smokes it & you'd never guess otherwise. He works long days and just like someone might have a glass of wine at 9pm to relax, he has a joint. Why not?! I'd much rather date a weed smoker than someone who likes a few drinks of an evening.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 09/06/2023 08:19

conversationsinthedark · 09/06/2023 07:51

Sorry but some of the replies on here are just ignorant! I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years & he told me on our second date that he smoked weed & it was my choice if that was a dealbreaker or not...it had been for previous girlfriends/dates. He smokes most evenings & I really don't see the problem. He is kind, caring, loving, professional ..only his close friends know he smokes it & you'd never guess otherwise. He works long days and just like someone might have a glass of wine at 9pm to relax, he has a joint. Why not?! I'd much rather date a weed smoker than someone who likes a few drinks of an evening.

That's your personal choice.

But OP literally says at the start of the thread that she's not into drugs and doesn't want to date someone who smokes weed.

NewUserName2023 · 09/06/2023 08:27

If he needs 6 months to stop, he's addicted. You dont like drug users so why do you feel the need to rescue him?
Move on...

canigetitmyself · 09/06/2023 08:36

I wouldn't date a stoner. Or a fag smoker

Perhaps tell him to give you a call when he's been clear of it for 6 months

LBFseBrom · 09/06/2023 08:44

The six month business is ridiculous, he just doesn't want a committed relationship with someone he's only been going out with for two months and who can blame him? He told her he smokes a bit of weed each evening when he's home alone thus given her a reason to either cool it or exit the relationship if she wants to. They can part by mutual consent, each keeping their dignity, or carry on as they are but not being exclusive. He's likely to give it up sooner or later anyway but is no rush.

DedicatedFolllowerofFashion · 09/06/2023 08:46

No!

TheOtherHotstepper · 09/06/2023 08:50

When I met DH, he was a serious weed user, smoking all day every day but, having decided I was the woman for him, and that it would get in the way of starting a relationship, he stopped using. I was oblivious to all this, but by the time he asked me out nine months later, he had stopped using. He stayed stopped and has remained stopped for the last twenty years.

That's the difference. Don't pursue this relationship. You're coming at it from two completely different directions.

LucasTheSpider · 09/06/2023 09:34

Run! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

About 20 years ago, I dated a cannabis user when I was in my late teens. He lost his job because of his cannabis use. I soon realised he was never going to change his ways and I moved on.
A few years ago, he randomly got in contact via Facebook. Guess what.. 20 years later, he hasn't changed. He's STILL a cannabis user and unemployed. Such a shame because he genuinely was a nice guy.

It's an addiction. Easy for him to say he'll give up in 6 months. People takes years to successfully come off drugs, even cigarettes.

Cannabis does not help anxiety. It makes it worse.
Google "Cannabis induced psychosis".
I've dealt with individuals that suffer from this through my line of work. A lot of them get sectioned under the mental health act.

People think cannabis is harmless. It's not! It's a class B controlled substance for a reason. You're seriously considering a relationship with someone who is committing a criminal offence on a daily basis. If he was using cocaine every evening, would you still be considering a relationship? I doubt it. So why is cannabis OK?

It's antisocial. It's a waste of money. It's so bad for his/your health. It absolutely stinks! Where will you be when he's sat there smoking cannabis in the evenings? Sat with him? Your friends, family and colleagues will smell it on you. What do you do for work? Do they conduct random drug testing?

Thisisbollocksmark · 09/06/2023 12:46

LucasTheSpider · 09/06/2023 09:34

Run! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

About 20 years ago, I dated a cannabis user when I was in my late teens. He lost his job because of his cannabis use. I soon realised he was never going to change his ways and I moved on.
A few years ago, he randomly got in contact via Facebook. Guess what.. 20 years later, he hasn't changed. He's STILL a cannabis user and unemployed. Such a shame because he genuinely was a nice guy.

It's an addiction. Easy for him to say he'll give up in 6 months. People takes years to successfully come off drugs, even cigarettes.

Cannabis does not help anxiety. It makes it worse.
Google "Cannabis induced psychosis".
I've dealt with individuals that suffer from this through my line of work. A lot of them get sectioned under the mental health act.

People think cannabis is harmless. It's not! It's a class B controlled substance for a reason. You're seriously considering a relationship with someone who is committing a criminal offence on a daily basis. If he was using cocaine every evening, would you still be considering a relationship? I doubt it. So why is cannabis OK?

It's antisocial. It's a waste of money. It's so bad for his/your health. It absolutely stinks! Where will you be when he's sat there smoking cannabis in the evenings? Sat with him? Your friends, family and colleagues will smell it on you. What do you do for work? Do they conduct random drug testing?

Cannabis and cocaine are absolutely worlds apart. Cocaine is incredibly addictive, can cause heart attacks, damages the liver, is significantly more expensive, can damage the nasal cavity, it's a class A substance so much more risky legally, it's devastating for your mental health, when combined with alcohol creates an even more lethal substance etc.

They're just not comparable.

TourmalineGiraffe · 09/06/2023 14:24

@conversationsinthedark
Well, I wish you much luck.
I said exactly the same sort of thing two years in, and I believed it too.
Twenty years later things look very different.

I hope I’m wrong but it may be you that finds they were the ignorant/ naive one.

LemonjeIIo · 09/06/2023 17:31

@Adviceneeded45
He is testing your boundaries by telling you who he is. Then he can chuck it back at you when you baulk at it."Oh but I TOLD you I did,"

Letitrow · 09/06/2023 17:33

It'd be a no from me, but I grew up around drugs and my DB was exploited by grown men selling drugs when he was still a child so my stance is a lot firmer than most. The smell of it as well would put me off.

Boomshock · 09/06/2023 19:01

LemonjeIIo · 09/06/2023 17:31

@Adviceneeded45
He is testing your boundaries by telling you who he is. Then he can chuck it back at you when you baulk at it."Oh but I TOLD you I did,"

But she already dated him knowing that he smoked so they were quite clearly not very strong boundaries at all.

She now has feelings and he probably does to,
he wants to keep dating and she's considering it too.

I don't think he's done anything wrong. He's just trying to find a way to make it work, as is she, even though they shouldn't have dated in the first place.

She hasn't been tricked or anything.

barmycatmum · 09/06/2023 19:05

Absolutely not. No. You’ll find someone who isn’t an addict, if you give yourself a chance and stick to your standards

perfectcolourfound · 09/06/2023 19:17

No, don't fall for it. If he was determined to come off it, he'd be happy to agree to stopping seeing each other until he's completely stopped, if he can't stop straight away.

He's trying to get you to stick around while he comes off it.... which means he'll have no incentive to come off it, will likely keep taking it (either openly or behind your back) and will hope you'll stop mentioning it, or that you'll fall for him and be willing to put up with it.

If he's not addicted, then it shouldn't be a problem and he can stop today.
If he's addicted - steer well clear - I would never again be in a relationship with an addict. Their addiction will always mean more to them than you.

Please don't fall for it. You stated a boundary. You valued yourself and ended things. He thinks you should forget your boundaries and put up with his addiction because that would suit him.