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Original poster

Been together nearly five years - I want to get married, he doesn't...

75 replies

S2P78 · 08/06/2023 12:00

Hello,
Please be gentle with me as I'm feeling very fragile.
I've been with my lovely partner for nearly five years. We've had ups and downs, but we have a happy and good relationship - most of the time.
I knew he didn't want children, and as I was 40 when we met (I'm now nearly 45) I was ok with this. But now I think I know that he doesn't want to get married either, and this is really hurting me.
In the past two years the topic has come up (mainly on holiday as this is when we tend to have relationship/future chats - started by me) every four months or so. At first he said he was worried he couldn't meet my needs (he has a touch of ASD and I am quite an emotional person) but we worked through this and now he says he doesn't feel that way. Now he says he doesn't see why we need to change anything, he's fearful it would end things as so many people get married then seem to split soon after as it changes things, he feels pressured and would 'lose control' if he proposed (as he doesn't want a wedding, etc, although I've never wanted this either - just to have a husband and the full commitment as I don't have family otherwise).
Anyway, I feel really, deeply sad about this as I completely love him, and i don't doubt he loves me. But my body is really reacting to his downbeat talk and I'm feeling rejected or not wanted enough or something.
We live together in my house and he's fine talking about future travel together/our lives together etc but the marriage thing is a major sticking point as I feel sad he doesn't want that.
This conversation has gone round in circles and it's around his fears, basically, but the downbeat tone of these chats grinds me down.
What to do? We have a therapy session booked in but I feel this isn't going away and only makes me feel worse as time goes on.
He says I'm not hearing him fully and he is two feet in committed.
I also feel silly wanting marriage - but I just do. Or not even the marriage - just for him to want me as his wife rather than a partner he lives with indefinitely.

OP posts:
Original poster
S2P78 · 08/06/2023 12:02

I should add that he's just turned 49 and never been married. Keeps saying it's not as if he's ever proposed to anyone else. I think if I stayed long-term he might eventually marry me. But my body is reacting to this in quite a hugely emotional way and I'm really struggling. Despite all this, we we're good, we're great. He is a good, honest man but I have asked for more clarity on what he's so afraid of when it comes to marriage.

OP posts:
Leo227 · 08/06/2023 12:04

If you have no children and he lives in your house, I'm not sure marriage actually sounds like the best idea for you in reality. unless he's a significantly higher earner than you ?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 08/06/2023 12:06

If you own the house and you are not having children then staying unmarried is in your best interests.

AssertiveGertrude · 08/06/2023 12:06

This is really hard op

I empathise because I went out with a man for 7 years who seemed to love me and spend all his time with me but used to express feel that I would fall pregnant and never discussed the future. I ended it and when I met my now Dh (who was a friend for years) I didn’t give too much of myself at the start eg he didn’t move in

your man has it all - living with you & has your full attention and love and yet not committing. I would ask him for a break and ask him to move out to he honest.

AssertiveGertrude · 08/06/2023 12:06

Fear (not feel)

Seas164 · 08/06/2023 12:07

This is six and two threes, you want to be married, he doesn't. Neither of you are wrong, but he is telling you very clearly that he does not want to marry you and I have to agree in that you're not hearing him if you continue to push for it. It's not on the table.

You can either spend the rest of the relationship in this anguish, or decide that this is a dealbreaker for you and leave, or accept that your relationship with him is more important than the legal contract. I can't think of anything less attractive then a groom with one arm up his back waiting at the end of the aisle.

Unbridezilla · 08/06/2023 12:07

For a start, you are not silly for wanting what you want. I hate when men pull that crap as it completely diminishes your feelings and elevates theirs.

I left my ex because he didn't want to get married. But really, that was just the straw that broke the camels back. In reality, he just never wanted anything to change (house, marriage, jobs, lifestyle), even though in hypothetical conversations he was on board. As soon as I started moving on the direction I thought we both agreed on, he shut down. Eventually, I started doubting how he even said he felt about me, and couldn't trust the things he said about the future.

I felt that there was so much I wanted to do am accomplish, but pushing against him constantly was exhausting and I wasn't living how I wanted.

I don't regret my decision.

LavenderHazy · 08/06/2023 12:09

What difference would being married make to you day to day? If it's about the legal protection would he agree to a no frills registry office thing (ours took 10 mins and we went home after). As someone who cohabited for 20 years then got married for the legalities I would say it makes no difference at all day to day until one of you dies or you split up. I'm also ND, and I'm definitely not saying I speak for all ND people, but if he is too he might also see it in these very practical terms.

Original poster
S2P78 · 08/06/2023 12:13

Thanks all. I know it's not financially in my best interests to get married. But for me it's not about that - it's about the feeling fully committed as next of kin, etc, and really feeling secure to build life together. If I spend time talking to myself rationally I can just about get on board with him not wanting to get married, but then I wobble every so often and feel so emotional and sad about it (it feels deep-rooted in not having a family as I lost my mum and my dad has alzheimer's so I want that, even if sometimes I don't think it is rational) I don't know. I never thought it would bother me so much, but his fear is really putting me off feeling secure, even without the marriage.

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 08/06/2023 12:15

I honestly don't think you can "talk" him into a marriage. I think deep down the commitment you have together isn't enough. From my experience I tend to ask less of partners when I feel they are absolutely committed to me and the relationship is rock solid. You may well be different.
The point is I suppose whether you really want to get marriage because he's a great guy and the relationship is great but there's something amiss and you think he's not as into the relationship as you are.
I would weigh up whether you can continue in the relationship or you would rather be single, knowing you may or may not meet someone else.

Original poster
S2P78 · 08/06/2023 12:16

@LavenderHazy Yes, I can see if I put all the practical reasons to him he'll maybe get it and I'd be fine with a registery office. Or just the two of us wherever! But I also can't help wanting a bit of the emotion of him actually wanting it you see...but he's just not going to, is he. I can't work out if this is a deal breaker. Right now it's hard to think rationally so perhaps therapy will help to see his side more clearly and understand his fears.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 08/06/2023 12:17

I've been married OP and I can report that it's not necessarily the panacea you might be expecting. Sorry to hear that you have lost your mum and you feel you you don't have a family, but an unwilling husband isn't going to fix that for you, and could potentially make you feel more lonely within a marriage than out of one.

I'd focus your energy on dealing with the loss you feel with a therapist and you might find that signing over half your house to him won't feel so tempting after all.

Original poster
S2P78 · 08/06/2023 12:18

@Livelifelaughter yes, that's it. Thanks. I know i need to do that - just hard. I said to him last night that when I think about it rationally and clearly I want to be in the relationship, but emotionally I'm struggling with his fears as it makes me wobble - deep down it makes me question the relationship.

OP posts:
ODFODPurlease · 08/06/2023 12:24

Leo227 · 08/06/2023 12:04

If you have no children and he lives in your house, I'm not sure marriage actually sounds like the best idea for you in reality. unless he's a significantly higher earner than you ?

Came here to say this.

I do get it OP, but not sure you can force him to want it. If you want it so much, you may have to accept its a fundamental incompatibility and move on. x

Redhenwattle701 · 08/06/2023 12:39

Don’t feel silly for wanting what you want. If marriage is important to you, then you are entitled to feel very upset that he doesn’t feel the same way. You have certain expectations and that’s ok.

From what you have said, he feels very much committed to you without being married but if you need more commitment than that then bluntly I think you need to ask him to leave so you can have a relationship with someone who feels the same way as you. I know it’s easy to say when it’s so painful, but that’s what it boils down to; whether you are willing to accept being unmarried or not.

What you can’t do is impose your decision on him. You can’t force him to change his mind (and who would want to do that anyway) so give him space!

One last thing (sorry to be harsh as this is obviously heartbreaking for you) are you sure this relationship is right for you aside from the marriage issue? You say you have had ups and downs in your first five years together despite not having dc (which are normally the cause of marriage tumult in the early years). The first five years should normally be pretty easy if you are with the right person. Maybe this disagreement over marriage is symptomatic of other issues in your relationship?

Original poster
S2P78 · 08/06/2023 12:49

@Redhenwattle701 thank you. Your last question is one I need to think about. I suppose I haven't always had the affection and engagement that I've needed, but we worked through that and things are good. He says all his previous relationships ended because he struggles to be open, and i'm the only person who has pushed him to talk about relationship stuff. Day to day we are great, but it's the 'future planning' and feeling stuff that has been difficult sometimes. He puts that down to be differently wired (touch of ASD). He is a maths/IT guy after all and I'm a writer so we do work differently! When I feel positive this is a good thing, but I guess it does cause some issues. He's practically amazing - and I'm not though - so you need a balance. He is absolutely lovely, and gives me the security I need a lot of the time - it's just I guess I feel that final full commitment isn't there so I question if he really 'feels' it.

OP posts:
Original poster
S2P78 · 08/06/2023 12:52

@Redhenwattle701 when we moved in together he said he'd do it 'but wasn't sure it'd work'. He now says he thinks it does work. But it's the negative approach to it that gets me down.

OP posts:
Original poster
S2P78 · 08/06/2023 12:53

Ultimately I think if I end it I'd regret it though. I get through these emotional wobbles about full commitment and come out the other side ready to carry on and not worry about it - then it comes up again months later and feels the same...I wish I wasn't so emotional :(

OP posts:
Redhenwattle701 · 08/06/2023 12:56

I think you both need to feel it to embark on marriage tbh.

One thing about ASD as someone whose dd is going through assessment atm; you can’t have a touch of it - if he has been diagnosed then he is autistic and although he appears to be high-functioning he may have struggles (and he may have special skills too) in more areas that is evident on the outside as autism can cause one to struggle internally.

Original poster
S2P78 · 08/06/2023 13:01

@Redhenwattle701 That's interesting. I massively supported him last year when he said he felt 'wired differently' and he hasn't been formally diagnosed (as long wait for this) and he said he has some internal struggles. He said it was a relief to be open about this. We did some online assessments and he scored highly. I told him it makes him special, and it doesn't change how I feel about him. But no, he doesn't feel the marriage thing and i definitely don't want to 'force' that. It just feels that'll inevitably end things and it's a huge emotional struggle for me to accept he just doesn't want it/me like that and really hard not to take personally. I get that part of his make up might just not be liking change, though.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 08/06/2023 13:25

There's no such thing as 'a touch of ASD' - that's like saying you're 'a little bit pregnant'. You either are, or you aren't. His ASD is a red herring, anyway, not relevant to your situation.

You've been with this man five years and he has made it quite clear he doesn't want to marry you - if he had wanted that, you'd have been married by now. You say if you hang on long term he might... nonsense. He won't marry you until it's in his interests to do so. To gain rights over your property, earnings, or pension for example.

Decide - are you ready to put up with this for life, possibly losing half your assets on the way? Or are you willing to break free of the man you persuaded to move in with you (he wasn't sure it would work yet you persisted) and start building a life where you feel secure and happy? That might be a life alone, or you might meet someone new. It's a risk. But so is hanging on to a man who wasn't sure, and still isn't sure.

So many women in your position find that suddenly he 'meets someone' and she gets the wedding and the babies. That happens even when you've recently separated - he doesn't want to let the next one get away so uses every ploy to keep her. You need to be clear about the choices you are making by staying with him.

Original poster
S2P78 · 08/06/2023 13:31

@StopStartStop Totally hear you, and I might say the same to a friend. But he says he is sure and fully committed - just isn't interested in getting married. As I said to him, it's fine not to want to get married (ever). It's just that is something I would like to cement the relationship. I would be VERY surprised if we split and he met and married/had babies. I'd feel completely lied to, in all honest. But who knows what'll happen if we did.

OP posts:
Original poster
S2P78 · 08/06/2023 13:32

I also know it sounds like he's stringing me along, but I really don't think he is. He just doesn't want to get married.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 08/06/2023 13:36

Your life, your choice. Good luck.

ontheplayground · 08/06/2023 14:16

It sounds as though you are doing all the emotional work in this relationship and have to "push" him to open up or talk about relationship stuff.

He doesn't seem to want or need to emote very much (whether that's because of ASD or maybe just the way he is). You seem to want somebody who will emote a lot more.

Family ties and similar bonds seem to be important to you, but not to him.

You may be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole here.

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